FRONTIER  HUMOR 


IN 


VERSE,  PROSE   AND   PICTURE. 


BY 


PALMER  COX, 

AUTHOR   OF   "QUEER   PEOPLE,"   "THE  BROWNIES,"    ETC.,  HTCi 


ILLUSTRATED. 


EDGEWOOD  PUBLISHING  COMPANY. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1 889,  by 

HUBBARD  BROS., 

In  the   Office   of  the    Librarian   of  Congress   at   Washington,  D.  C. 


mW'/MN    O  !  "vv-r* 


PUBLISHERS'    PREFACE. 


Not  only  is  truth  stranger  than  fiction,  but  it  is 
funnier  abo.  Just  as  some  men  have  no  eye  for 
colors,  but  are  color  blind ;  so  some  men  have  no  eye 
for  fun,  but  are  fun  blind.  Happy  is  the  man  who 
can  s'^'^  the  humor  which  bubbles  up  in  daily  life ; 
doubly  happy  he  who,  having  seen,  can  tell  the  fun 
to  others  and  so  spread  the  glad  contagion  of  a 
laugh  ;  but  thrice  happy  is  the  man  who,  having  seen, 
can  tell  the  fun;  and  having  told,  can  picture  it  for 
others'  eyes  and  so  roll  on  the  rollicking  humor,  for 
the  brightening  of  a  world  already  far  too  sad. 

Palmer  Cox  is  one  who  sees,  and  tells,  and  pictures 
all  the  fun  within  his  reach,  as  this  volume  of  Frontier 
Humor  will  certainly  attest. 


470 


TABLE   OF   CONTENTS. 


PAGE 

Ah  Tie— That  Deadly  Pik, *7 

New  Year's  Callers, 

Scenes  on  the  Sidewalk, 


Sam  Patterson's  Balloon, 3' 

My  Canine, 


Jim  Dudley's  Flight, 

Trials  of  the  Farmer, 

T^  ...  69 

A  Cunning  Dodge, 

73 


A  Terrible  Take  in, 

85 


The  Rod  of  Correction, 

^  89 

Gone  from  his  Gaze, •        •        •        • 

St.  Patrick's  Day, 


The  Contented  Frog, 


97 

All  Fools'  Day, 

Finding  a  Horseshoe, 

An  Evening  with  Scientists, ^^'^ 

Our  Table  Girl, 

An  Old  Woman  in  Peril, 

For  Better  or  for  Worse, 

Ode  on  a  Bumble-bee, 

Dudley  and  the  Greased  Pig, ^^5 

.  156 
Cora  Lee,     

A  Brilliant  Forensic  Effort,       .     , 

•     169 

Visiting  a  School, 

171 
The  Rejected  Suitor, 

175 
A  Night  of  Terror, 

My  Drive  to  the  Cliff, 

.  184 
Second  Sight, 

.  187 
The  Thief, 

vii 


VIU  TABLE   OF   CONTENTS. 

PAGE 

A  Startling  Catastrophe, 194 

A  Trip  to  the  Mountains, 196 

An  Impatient  Undertaker,     .        .        .        , 209 

Sermon  on  a  Pin, 218 

Dudley's  Fight  with  the  Texan, 221 

Roller  Skating, 242 

A  Terrible  Nose, 243 

A  Masked  Battery, 249 

The  Prize  I   Didn't  Win, 257 

The  Countryman's  Tooth, 260 

Mining  Stocks, 262 

Ode  on  a  Flea, 265 

Fighting  it  Out  on  that  Line, 268 

Dudley's  Fight  with  Dr.  Tweezer, 271 

My  Neighbor  Worsted, 285 

The  Breathing  Spell, 289 

A  Visit  to  Benicia, 290 

Too  Much  of  Indian, 297 

Going  Up  the  Spout, 299 

The  Glorious  Fourth, 309 

Jim  Dudley's  Sermon, 313 

The  Poisoned  Pet, 337 

Seeking  for  a  Wife, 340 

David  Goyle,  the  Miller  Man, 349 

Heels  Up  and  Heads  Down, 360 

The  Bitter  End, 362 

A  Trip  to  the  Interior, 367 

Hunting  with  a  Vengeance, 385 

The  Art  Gallery,     .        - 391 

A  Rolling  Stone, 396 

Riding  in  the  Street  Cars, 399 

Simon  Rand, 408 

The  Value  of  a  Collar, 420 

Quaint  Epitaphs, 425 

Mistaken  Identity, 43° 

Flirting,  and  What  Came  op  It, .        .  435 

The  Champion  Mean  Man, 43^ 

In  a  Thousand  Years, 452 

The  Cobbler's  End, 454 


TABLE   OF   CONTENTS.  Ix 


PAGE 

The  Last  of  his  Race, ^60 

Jim  Dudley's  Race, .52 


Oleomargarine, 


481 


Dining  Under  Difficulties, ^83 

Answers  to  Correspondents, 486 


Court-room  Scenes, 


489 


The  Mason's  Ride, .go 

J"^^' 497 

The  Anniversary 500 

A  Country  Town, 503 

A  Trip  Across  the  Bay, ,        ,  507 

Christmas  Eve, -i. 


LIST  OF  ILLUSTRATIONS. 


PACK 

Pictorial  Title, 3 

A  Tight  Place, ' '9 

Starting  Out, ^3 

A  Little  Mixed, ^* 

The  Ex-veteran  of  Waterloo, ^7 

A  Miner  who  will  soon  be  Minus, ^° 

May  and  December, 3° 

Sam  Patterson, 3^ 

Premature  Ascent, 37 

Attempted  Abduction  of  Sam's  Wife, •        ...  39 

"  Let  Me  Git  Out," '♦^ 

"Go  in.  Cripple," '^9 

A  Right-angled  Try-ankle, 5i 

A  Prey  to  Disease, ^* 

Bob  Browser, ^^ 

Old  Hurley  Welcomes  Jim, ^^ 

Old  Hurley  on  the  War  Path, ^5 

A  Happy  Thought *^ 

Advance  of  the  Cripple  Brigade, 7' 

*' Pay  in  Advance,  Sir," 75 

Emperor  Nelson,  of  San  Francisco, 77 

Stranger  Who  Went  Not  In, 79 

The  Stranger  Who  Went  In, ^3 

A  Rear  Attack, ^7 

Little  Dog's  Leather  Collar, 9° 

In  the  Morning, 93 

In  the  Evening, ,         .        .        •        •  94 

In  Meditation, 9 

Bob's  Attack '°' 

Alas  !  Poor  Frog, 

xi 


XU  LIST   OF    ILLUSTRATIONS. 

PAGB 

April, 103 

Sold, 104 

The  Horse-shoe  Charm, 109 

Repairs  Needed, 113 

The  President  of  the  Academy, 119 

The  Old  Lady's  Ascent, 124 

The  Trying  Moment, 129 

Judge  Perkins, 140 

Bad  for  the  Fruit  Business, 143 

Bow-legged  Spinny, 146 

Nip  and  Tuck, 151 

More  Light  on  the  Subject, iS4 

The  Chief, 158 

Behind  the  Bars, 161 

The  Advocate, 163 

Bill  of  Divorce, 167 

Head  of  his  Class, - 169 

Foot  of  her  Class, 170 

A  Suitor  Nonsuited, 172 

A  Rousing  Event, 176 

Slightly  Embarrassing, i8r 

Badly  Mixed, 182 

The  Economist  Seeing  Double, 186 

Richard  Roe,  the  Sardine  Thief, 189 

The  Judge, 191 

Neck  to  Neck, 199 

Steam  let  On, 203 

Blow  me  Up  ! 207 

Business  is  Business, 213 

Bill  After  his  Glass  Eye, 223 

The  Ministerial  Looking  Man, 227 

Startling  Disclosures, 234 

Busting  his  Bugle, 244 

The  One-eyed  Swede,    .    • 250 

Needed  Air, 254 

The  Best  Shot,       .        .        .        .        ' 258 

The  Ascent, 263 

The  Descent, 264 

Going  for  the  Doctor,    . 274 


LIST   OF    ILLUSTRATIONS.  XIU 


PAGE 

Hands  Up  and  Heads  Down, 279 

Alas  !  Poor  Doctor, 281 

One  of  Heenan's  Mementoes, 292 

A  Scientific  Opening, 294 

All  Object  of  Suspicion, 300 


On  a  Raid, 


304 


The  Glorious  Fourth, .  309 

Arousing  the  Dog, 311 

The  Final  Explosion, 312 

Something  New,     . 314 

The  Doctor's  Scourge,  ,        .        • 318 

Joe  Grimsby, 322 

Truth  is  Powerful, 328 

Mr  Spudd, 331 

The  Old  Interrogator, 332 

Having  a  Quiet  Time,  . ■     .         .  339 

The  Crone, 341 

Attending  to  Business, 345 

Partner  Wanted, 347 

The  New  Acquaintance, 353 

A  One-sided  Operation, 357 

Lively  Work,          . 364 

A  Mosquito  on  the  Scent, 368 

To  the  Hilt  in  Blood, 371 

The  Orchestra, 374 

Macbeth,         .         .         .         • 378 

Othello, 379 

A  Startling  Apparition, ,         .  383 

Advance  of  the  Expedition, .  386 

Boggs  Retrieving  his  Game, 390 

From  a  Painting  by  an  Old  Master,      • 392 

Love's  Young  Dream, 394 

A  Through  Passenger, 397 

The  Signal  Station, 400 

Rather  "  Slorappy," 403 

Sniffing  the  Battle  from  Afar, 404 

Alighting  Gracefully, 407 

Revenge  is  Sweet, .411 

The  Exploring  Party, 413 


XIV  LIST   OF    ILLUSTRATIONS. 

PAGB 

"  Up  he  Comes," 4^^ 

Unpromising  Outlook, 4^8 

No  Collar,  No  Crumbs,          . 422 

The  Sexton, 429 

The  Clergyman  in  Limbo, '       .  43^ 

Sleepy  Doby 44o 

Opening  his  Heart, 444 

Swearing  to  Get  Even, ;  449 

A  Moving  Scene, 457 

Slipping  Off  the  Mortal  Coil, 458 

The  Last  of  his  Race, 460 

Abe  Drake, 464 

Kate  Rykert, 466 

Mrs.  O'Laughlan, 47^ 

Just  as  it  Was, 473 

Curing  People's  Corns, 47^ 

Bummers  on  the  Raid, 4^4 

A  Drowsy  Jury,     . 49° 

The  Rocky  Road  to  Masonry, 495 

June, 497 

The  Fire  Department, 506 

Peering  into  the  Depths, 508 

Good-Bye, 509 

Sketching  from  Nature, S^° 

So  Sick ! 5" 

At  the  Rail, 512 


AH  TIE. 


THAT  DEADLY  PIE. 


SING    the    woe    and    over- 
throw 
Of  one  debased  and  sly, 
Who  entered  soft  a  baker's 
shop, 
And  stole  a  currant  pie. 


And  not  a  soul  about  the  place, 
And  no  one  passing  by. 

Chanced  to  detect  him  in  the  act, 
Or  dreamed  that  he  was  nigh. 

The  moon  alone  with  lustre  shone, 
And  viewed  him  from  the  sky. 

And  broadly  smiled,  as  musing  on 
The  sequel  by  and  by. 


Ah  Tie  began,  while  fast  he  ran, 
To  gobble  down  the  pie. 

Determined  that,  if  caught  at  last, 
No  proof  should  meet  the  eye. 


17 


X8  THE    BITER    BIT. 

For  not  the  fox,  for  cunning  famed, 
The  crow,  or  weasel,  sly, 

Could  with  that  erring  man  compare — - 
The  heathen  thief,  Ah  Tie. 


But,  blessings  on  the  pastry  man ! 

Oh  !  blessings,  rich  and  high, 
Upon  the  cook  who  cooked  a  rag 

Within  that  currant  pie  ! 


Dim  was  the  light,  and  large  the  bite 

The  thief  to  bolt  did  try. 
And  in  his  haste,  along  with  paste, 

He  gulped  the  wiper  dry. 


So  thus  it  proves  that  slight  affairs 

Do  oft,  as  none  deny. 
For  good  or  evil,  unawares, 

Be  waiting  with  reply. 


The  influence  of  every  plot. 

Or  action  bold  or  sly, 
Or  good  or  bad,  mistake  or  not. 

Will  speak,  we  may  rely. 

He  strove  in  vain,  with  cough  and  strain, 
And  finger  swallowed  nigh. 

Or  in,  or  out,  to  force  the  clout, 
Or  turn  the  thing  awry. 


DEATH    IN    THE    PIE. 

But  tight  as  wadding  in  a  gun, 

Or  cork  in  jug  of  rye, 
The  choking  gag,  but  half-way  down, 

Fast  in  his  throat  did  lie. 


19 


iM^ 


A  TIGHT   PLACE. 


Not  finger  point,  or  second  joint. 

Or  heaving  cough,  or  pry, 
Did  seem  to  change  its  posture  strange, 

Or  work  a  passage  by. 


The  Lord  was  there,  as  everywhere — 
His  ways  who  can  descry  ? 


20  DEATH    IN    THE    PIE. 

He  turned  to  use  the  rag  that  missed 
The  cook's  incautious  eye. 

The  race  was  short,  as  it  must  be 
When  lungs  get  no  supply 

Of  ever  needful  oxygen, 
The  blood  to  purify. 

It  matters  not  how  large  or  small 

The  man,  or  beast,  or  fly, 
A  little  air  must  be  their  share, 

Or  else  to  life  "  good  bye." 

Slow  grew  his  pace,  and  black  his  face, 
And  blood-shot  rolled  his  eye; 

And  from  his  nerveless  fingers  fell 
The  fragments  of  the  pie. 

The  broken  crust  rolled  in  the  dust, 
While  scattered  currants  fly ; 

But  ah,  the  fatal  part  had  gone 
Upon  its  mission  high. 

Then  down  he  dropped,  a  strangled  man. 
Without  a  witness  nigh — 

And  Death,  the  grim  old  boatman,  ran 
His  noiseless  shallop  by. 


NEW  YEAR'S  CALLERS. 


TJEIGH  HO,  the  New  Year  Is  again  upon 
^  -^  us  with  Its  open  houses,  Its  "hope  you're 
wells,"  and  Its  "bye  bye's." 

Let  what  will  grow  dull  or  rusty,  the  sweep- 
ing scythe  of  old  Time  Is  ever  sharp  and  busy. 
How  tempered  must  be  that  blade  which  nothing 
can  dull  or  turn  aside. 

Now  as  I  sit  by  my  window  and  look  pen- 
sively out  upon  the  streets  I  see  them  crowded 
with  callers,  all  anxious  to  Increase  the  number 
of  their  acquaintances.  They  ring,  scrape,  and 
wait.  The  door  opens  and  they  disappear  from 
my  view,  but  fancy  pictures  them  out  as  they 
doubdess  appear  inside,  embarrassed  because 
of  a  painful  dearth  of  words.  The  weather, 
fortunately,  Is  a  standing  theme  of  conversation. 
It  will  always  bear  comment,  and  but  for  this 
how  many  callers — who  perhaps  can  hardly 
come  under  the  head  of  acquaintances — would 


21 


22  KING   FASHION. 

wish  themselves  well  out  upon  the  street  again, 
even  before  sampling  the  customary  wine  and 
cake. 

But  Fashion  is  King,  and  when  he  nods,  his 
satellites  and  minions  must  obey  or  perish. 
But  I,  who  come  not  under  the  awe  of  his  scep- 
ter, have  few  calls  to  make.  With  a  leaking 
roof  and  no  bolt  to  my  door  I  can  keep  "open 
house  "  without  going  to  the  expense  of  pro- 
curing cake  or  wine,  and  for  this  left-handed 
blessing  may  the  Lord  make  me  truly  thankful. 

I  have  been  sitting  by  my  window  most  of  the 
day,  watching  gentlemen — who  were  not  so  for- 
tunate as  myself.  And  I  notice  with  consider- 
able pain — for  as  reader  and  writer  cannot 
understand  each  other  too  soon,  I  may  as 
well  inform  you  at  once  that  I  am  a  philan- 
thropist— that  some  of  these  callers  present 
an  aspect  in  the  evening  quite  different  from 
their  festive  morning  appearance.  Here,  for 
instance,  is  a  sketch  of  an  exquisite  as  he 
appears  when  starting  to  make  his  numerous 
calls.  Mark  what  grace  is  in  every  move- 
ment as  he  struts  the  pavement  with  military 
precision,  adjusting   his    lavender-colored   kids 


MORNING. 


23 


as  he  goes.  There  is  something  in  the  airy 
set  of  his  styHsh  new  stove-pipe,  in  the  very 
easy  elegance  of  manner  with  which  he  holds 


STARTING  oxrr. 


the  crystal  orb  over  his  left  optic,  that 
bespeaks  the  born  gentleman.  Not  to  a  rise 
in  stocks,  he  would  tell  you,  or  a  lucky  lottery 


24 


EVENING. 


ticket,  does  he  owe  his  carriage,  but  to  a 
line  of  ancestors  which  he  can  trace  back, 
perhaps,  to  the  very  loins  of  William  the 
Conqueror. 


A  LITTLE   MIXED. 


Look  now  upon  this  picture.  The  unprac- 
ticed  eye  could  hardly  recognize  the  gentle- 
man,  and    yet    this    is    the    same   sociable   but 


EVERY    CALL   COUNTS.  25 

absent-minded  individual,  as  he  appeared  in  the 
evening  frogging  up  the  steps  of  the  dweUing 
opposite,  to  make  his  third  call  upon  the  same 
family.     He  is  evidently  "turned  around,"  poor 
fellow.     Ah,  this  mixing  of  coffee,  tea,  and  wine, 
not  to  mention  stronger  potations,  will  play  the 
mischief  with  a  man,  and  no  mistake  about  it. 
The  young  ladies,  with  mouths  ajar  and  dilated 
eyes,    look    out   upon    him    through    partially 
closed    blinds.      But  he   recks  not  of   it  as  he 
leans  backward,  pulling  and  jerking  at  the  bell 
knob  as  though  he  was  drawing  on  a  tight  boot. 
The  bell-hanger  will   doubdess  have  a  job  in 
that  house  to-morrow.     The  question  naturally 
arises,  will  they  chalk  the  genrieman  down  as  a 
caller  each  time  he  favors  them  with  his  pres- 
ence?    Now  that  I  think  of  it,  they  might  do  so 
with  an  easy  conscience,  for  he  is  certainly  not 
the  man  he  was  when  he  first  offered  the  com- 
pliments of  the  day. 


SCENES  ON  THE  SIDEWALK. 


T  SIT  at  my  window  to  view  the  odd  sights, 
^     And  whatever  to  study  or  action  invites 
Upon  the  white  paper  before  me  I  spread, 
By  aid  of  my  constant  companion,  the  Lead. 

A  lady  of  Fashion  sails  by  like  a  queen. 
With  ruffles  and  lace,  and  lier  s^rti/i  de  chine; 

26 


THE    ENFEEBLED    VETERAN. 

Her  shimmering  train  as  it  now  sweeps  the  street, 

Is  sadly  ensnaring  a  gentleman's  feet. 

It  is  painfully  plain  an  apology's  due  ; 

But  which  should  apologize  first  of  the  two  ? 

And  next,  an  old  man  full  of  years  shuffles  by, 
His  nose  to  the  dust,  and  his  back  to  the  sky ; 


27 


THE    EX-VETERAN    OF    WATERLOO. 


The  few  snowy  hairs  that  still  cling  to  his  head 
Far  down  o'er  his  collar  untidily  spread. 
And  who  now  would  think  that  the  feeble,  dry  hand 
That  hardly  can  free  the  rude  cane  from  the  sand, 
Once  swung  a  long  saber,  that  cut  its  way  through 
The  cuirassiers'  helmets  at  famed  Waterloo  ? 


28 


THE   DIAMOND    SEEKER. 


Old  Time  warps  the  figure  firm-knitted  and  square, 
He  sharpens  the  feature,  he  blanches  the  hair. 
And  bows  the  proud  head,  be  it  ever  so  high ; 
This  much  hath  he  done  for  the  man  passing  by. 


A    MINER    WHO    WILL   SOON    BE    MINUS. 


Away,  to  the  fields  of  the  diamond  and  ruby. 
The  miner  sets  out,  like  a  consummate  booby; 
What  loads  the  poor  fellow  proposes  to  pack : 
His  rifle,  his  shovel,  his  grub,  and  his  sack ; 
His  rifle  to  guard  against  numerous  ills, 
His  shovel  to  shovel  his  way  to  the  hills. 


A    WEDDING    PARTY.  29 

The  long  leather  sack  he  bears  in  his  hand, 
To  hold  the  bright  gems  he  may  pick  from  the  sand ; 
In  fancy  I  see  him  ascend  the  steep  hill, 
Or  traverse  the  plain  with  his  sack  empty  still ; 
While  down  on  his  head  ever  scorching-hot  rays 
Descend  from  th'  unclouded  sun  like  a  blaze, — 
Too  far  from  his  friends,  and  too  nigh  to  his  foes, 
Who  welcome  the  stranger  with  arrows  and  bows. 
And  rifles,  and  war-clubs,  and  hatchets  of  stone, 
And  weapons  for  scalping,  and  lances  of  bone. 
Trudge  on  to  your  treasure  (?),  poor  dupe  of  the  knave 
And  prey  of  the  savage — pass  on  to  your  grave. 

Now  stepping  as  one,  see  the  new-married  pair 
Emerge  from  the  church.     What  a  contrast  is  there ! 
Come  haste  to  the  window  and  gaze  out  with  me — 
Ere  they  enter  their  carriage  the  pair  you  may  see. 
Oh,  May  and  December !  extremes  of  the  year, 
When  linked  thus  together,  how  odd  they  appear; 
The  bride  in  her  teens,  with  a  mind  as  unstable 
As  ladders  of  fame,  or  a  medium's  table ; 
With  a  riotous  pulse,  and  her  blood  all  aglow 
With  the  fervor  of  passion,  of  pleasure,  and  show. 
The  bridegroom  is  pussy,  rheumatic  and  old, 
His  teeth  are  in  rubber,  his  blood  thin  and  cold ; 
His  nose  tells  a  tale  of  inordinate  drams. 
The  gout  has  laid  hold  of  his  corn-laden  yams ; 
The  hairs  on  his  cranium  scattering  stand, 
Like  ill-nourished  blades  on  a  desert  of  sand. 

I  muse  as  I  gaze  on  their  arms  softly  twined ; 

How  soon  some  young  maidens  can  alter  their  mind ! 


30 


MARRIED,  BUT   NOT    MATED. 


'Tis  scarcely  three  weeks  since  I  heard  her  declare, 
When    speaking    of    him    who     now    walks    by   hef 

there, 
In  marriage  she  never  would  give  him  her  hand 
Though  rolling  in  gems,  like  a  horse  in  the  sand. 
But  she  clings  to  him  now,  as  a  green,  sappy  vine 


MAY   AND    DECEMBER. 


Embraces  the  trunk  of  a  time-honored  pine ; 
While   her   looks  and  her   manner  would   seem 

imply 
That  she  never  before  on  a  man  cast  an  eye ; 
But  I,  delving  back  through  the  layers  of  Time, 
Exhume  the  pale  ghost  of  a  youth  in  his  prime, 


to 


SAM  Patterson's  balloon.  31 

Whose    feelings    were    tortured,    whose    reason    was 

muddied, 
Whose  pistol  was  emptied,  whose  temple  was  ruddied; 
Because  of  coquetry  so  heartless  and  strange, 
Her  passion  for  diamonds,  her  longing  for  change. 

Pass  on,  happy  bride,  with  your  beaming  young  face; 
May  happiness  still  with  your  moments  keep  pace, 
And  never  mistrust  pierce  the  groom  at  your  side 
That  wealth,  and  not  virtues,  have  won  him  his  bride. 


SAM  PATTERSON'S  BALLOON. 


LAST  night  while  a  party  of  us  were  sitting 
around  the  table  in  the  cabin  of  the  New 
Wo7dd,  talking  about  the  "  Avitor  "  and  aerial 
sailing  generally,  our  conversation  was  inter- 
rupted by  a  dark,  raw-boned  Hoosier  who  had 
entered  the  cabin  shortly  after  the  steamer  left 
her  wharf  He  kept  squirming  on  his  chair  for 
some  time,  and  was  evidently  anxious  to  take 
part  in  the  conversation.    ''  I  say,  boys,  I'm  Sam 


32  SAM  S    INTRODUCTION. 

Patterson,"  he  commenced  at  last,  "and  if  this 
yer  dish  is  free  and  no  one  han't  no  objections, 
I'd  like  mi'ty  well  to  dip  my  spoon  in." 

All  turned  to  look  at  the  speaker.     Even  the 


SAM   PATTERSON. 


fat  old  gentleman  who  during  our  conversation 
had  not  taken  his  eyes  from  the  Christian 
Guardian  he  was  reading,  stretched  up  and 
peered  over  the  top  of  the  paper  at  Sam.    Before 


SAMS   OPINION    OF   BALLOONS.  33 

any  one  could  reply  the  Hoosier  gave  his  chair 
a  hitch  niofher  the  table  and  went  on: 

"I  say,  boss,"  he  continued,  addressing  his 
conversation  to  me,  perhaps  because  I  had  just 
been  expressing  my  opinion,  ''I  don't  go  a 
picayune  on  navlgatin'  the  air.  They  ain't  no 
need  of  talkin'  and  gassin'  about  crossin'  the 
'tlantlc  or  any  of  them  foolish  ventur's.  I  happen 
to  know  somethin'  about  balloonin',  and  under- 
stand pooty  near  what  you  com  do  and  what  you 
can't  do  with  one  of  them  fellers.  I'd  a  plag'y 
sight  ruther  undertake  to  cross  the  ocean  In  a 
dug-out,  than  ventur  in  one  of  them  tricky  cob- 
webs;  you  can't  depend  on  'em.  Thar  like 
a  flea — when  a  man  thinks  he's  got  'em  he 
hain't." 

"Perhaps  you  are  misled  by  prejudice?"  I 
ventured  to  remark. 

*'  No,  I  ain't  nuther,"  answered  the  Hoosier, 
*'  I  speak  from  experience.     I've  bin  than" 

''  Oh !  you  have  given  the  aeronautic  science 
some  attention  then  ?  "  I  said.  "  An  inventor, 
I  presume  ? " 

"Wal,  no.  I  don't  exactly  claim  to  be  an 
inventor,"  he  replied;  "I  reckon  I  foller'd  on 
3 


34  HE   SPEAKS    FROM    EXPERIENCE. 

the  old  plan,  exceptin'  in  the  material  used  in 
constructin'." 

**  Did  you  ever  make  an  ascension  ?  "  I  asked. 

"Wal,  yes,  I've  bin  up  some,''  he  answered 
dryly. 

"Have  you  ever  been  very  high?  "  inquired 
the  fat  old  gendeman,  who  seemed  to  grow 
interested. 

"Perhaps  not  so  high  as  eagles  or  turkey- 
buzzards  fly,  but  a  mi'ty  sight  higher  than  barn- 
yard fowls  ventur',"  answered  the  Hoosier. 
"You  see,"  he  continued,  "I  was  stayin'  down 
to  Orleans  once  for  about  a  week,  and  thar  was 
a  professor  had  a  balloon  in  the  park  hitched  to 
a  stake,  and  he  was  histin'  people  up  the  length 
of  the  rope  for  two  bits  a  head.  I  stepped  into 
the  cradle  that  was  a  hangin'  to  It,  and  went  up 
the  length  of  the  rope,  and  liked  it  pooty  well. 
I  went  up  three  or  four  times  and  made  consid- 
erable inquiries  about  the  manner  of  construcdn' 
and  infladn',  as  I  was  cal'latin  to  rig  up  one  when 
I  got  hum  to  Tuckersville. 

''When  I  got  back  I  telled  Sal  what  I  was 
bent  on  doin'.  She  tried  pooty  hard  to  git  the 
notion  out  of  my  head,  but  t'was  stuck  thar,  like 


MAKING    OF    THE    BALLOON.  35 

a  bur  to  a  cow's  tall.  I  telled  her  it  mout  be  the 
makin'  of  us,  so  arter  a  while  she  gin  in,  and  as 
silk  was  too  alfired  expensive  Sal  gin  me  a  lot 
of  bed  sheets  and  helped  me  sew  'em  together 
down  in  the  cellar.  We  put  it  together  down 
thar  'cause  I  didn't  want  any  of  the  neighbors  to 
know  what  was  up,  until  I  could  astonish  'em 
some  fine  mornin'  by  risin'  above  the  hull 
caboodle,  and  for  wunst  lookin'  down  on  some 
on  'em  that  was  snuffin'  around  and  tryin'  to 
look  down  on  me  mi'ty  bad. 

"  I  used  a  rousin'  great  corn  basket  for  the 
cradle,  and  arter  she  was  all  ready  for  infiatin' 
I  had  my  Hfe  insured,  'cause  I  didn't  want  Sal 
to  suffer  by  any  of  my  ventur's.  Then  I  went 
to  Sol  Spence,  the  lawyer,  and  had  him  draw 
up  the  writin's  of  a  will,  and  while  he  was  doin' 
it  he  worked  the  balloon  secret  out  of  me,  and 
wanted  me  to  take  him  along.  I  telled  him 
'twas  pooty  risky  business,  and  that  he'd  hev  to 
run  some  chances,  as  I  was  cal'latin'  on  seein' 
what  clouds  war  made  of  before  I  came  down. 
He  said  them  war  his  sentiments  exactly;  that  he 
allers  had  a  great  hankerin'  to  git  up  thar  and 
see  what  sort  of  a  spongy  thing  they  war,  anyhow. 


^6  INFLATING    IT. 

"  I  didn't  object  much ;  I  reckoned  the  sheets 
war  good  for  it,  though  he  went  over  two  hun- 
dred, but  I  cal'lated  he'd  do  instead  of  ballast, 
and  be  company  besides.  So  I  took  some  bed 
cord  and  slung  another  corn  basket  below  the 
one  I  was  gwine  in,  and  after  dark  we  hauled 
the  great  floppy  thing  out  into  the  back  yard, 
and  arter  we  got  it  histed  up  on  stakes  we 
commenced  buildin'  fires  under  her  to  git  the 
gas  up  and  gittin'  things  ready  ginnerally. 
About  sun-up  we  had  her  all  ready  to  step  into. 
Spence  had  his  sketch  book  along,  cal'latin'  on 
taking  some  bird's-eye  views,  and  I  had  a  bottle 
of  tea,  cal'latin'  to  empty  it  gwine  up,  and  fill 
it  with  rain  water  while  up  thar.  The  thing 
was  a-wallopin'  and  rollin'  around  the  yard 
mi'ty  impatient  to  git  ofi".  I  hitched  her  first  to 
the  grindstone  frame,  but  she  was  snakin'  that 
around  the  yard,  and  the  dogs  commenced 
sech  an  all-fired  yelpin'  and  scuddin'  round 
and  watchin'  of  it  through  the  fence,  that  we 
were  obliged  to  put  'em  in  the  cellar,  'cause  we 
didn't  want  the  hull  neighborhood  attractid  by 
ther  barkin'.  Then  we  fastened  the  balloon  to 
the  shed  post,  and  left  Sal  to  watch  her  while 


;^S  THE    WOOD-SHED    SUCCUMBS. 

we  war  eatin'  a  snack  of  breakfast.  Pooty 
soon  arter  we  heard  Sal  a-shoutin'  that  she 
was  a-gwine  off  with  the  wood-shed.  So  we 
ran  out  mi'ty  lively,  and  had  no  time  to  spare, 
nuther.  I  jumped  up  and  caught  one  rope, 
and  Spence  got  hold  of  another.  We  couldn't 
fetch  it  down  till  Sal  caught  hold  of  my  leg, 
and  between  us  three  we  pulled  it  back  agin. 

"She  gin  a  sort  of  puff  and  come  down 
pooty  sudden  when  near  the  ground,  and  one 
of  the  posts  of  the  shed  came  fair  onto  the 
back  of  a  leetle  pet  hog  that  was  rootin'  round 
the  yard,  and  knuckled  his  back  down  Into  the 
chips,  leavin'  his  head  and  hinder  parts  stickin' 
up.  He  commenced  sich  an  uproarious 
squealin'  you  could  hear  him  more'n  two 
miles.  While  Spence  and  I  were  fussin'  at  the 
ropes  to  unloose  her  from  the  shed,  she  took 
another  sudden  start  up  agin  and  shot  away 
from  us  quicker  than  scat.  Sal  happened  to 
have  hold  of  a  rope  at  the  time,  and  up  she 
went  into  the  air,  scootin'  like  a  rocket.  Sal 
was  a  plucky  critter.  Shoot  me,  if  she  wasn't 
as  full  of  grit  as  a  sandstone.  She  could  have 
let  go  that  rope,  but  she  wouldn't;  she  wanted 


SAL   IN   PERIL.  39 

to  fetch  the  consarn  down  agin,  and  was  bound 


ATTEMPTED    ABDUCTION   OF   SAM  S   WIFE. 


to   ding  to  her  until  she  did.     Blow  me,  if  I 
didn't  think  for  a  while  I  was  goin'  to  lose  the 


40  ''  UP   IN    A    BALLOON,  BOYS/' 

old  woman.  Thar  she  was  a-hano^in'  on  to  the 
end  of  the  rope,  hollerin'  like  a  hull  regiment 
chargin'  a  battery,  and  trailin'  and  swingin' 
about  without  any  notion  of  lettin*  go. 

"We  had  a  lively  time  of  it  gettin'  her  down 
agin  too,  now  I  can  tell  you.  I  jumped  over  a 
fence  into  the  garden,  and  snatchin'  up  a  rake 
commenced  to  scrape  at  her,  and  finally  the 
teeth  caught  in  her  dress,  and  then  I  had  a 
pooty  good  hold  so  long  as  Sal  was  good  for  it. 
Spence  got  hold  of  another  rope  that  was  dang- 
lin'  around,  so  between  us  we  got  her  down  the 
second  time.  Then  I  sung  out  to  Spence, 
*Spence,'  ses  I,  'climb  into  yer  basket  and  let's 
be  off,  or  the  hull  town  will  be  here  and  stop  us 
gwine.'  So  we  dim'  into  our  baskets  and  flung 
out  Sal's  flatirons,  that  we  had  for  ballast,  and 
up  we  shot  like  a  spark  up  a  chimney.  I  hol- 
lered back  to  Sal  to  put  the  hog  out  of  pain 
and  stop  the  squeakin',  and  the  last  I  seed  of 
her  as  we  went  round  the  gable,  she  was  a 
whackin'  him  over  the  head  with  the  back  of  an 
ax,  and  he  was  a  hollerin'  wuss  and  wuss. 

''The  wind  took  the  balloon  over  a  swamp 
back  of  the  village,  where  no  person  seemed  to 


LET   ME    GIT   OUT. 


41 


see  us,  and  then  the  world  began  to  drop  away 
pooty  nicely.  Twant  long  till  I  heered  Spence 
callln'  out,  mi'ty  skeered  like  : — 


"  LET   ME   GIT  OUT  !  " 


42  SOL    SPENCE    GETS   NERVOUS. 

"'I  guess,  Sam,  you  mout  as  well  land  her 
and  let  me  git  out' 

'*  'Are  you  afeered,  Spence?'  ses  I,  jest  that 
way. 

"'No,'  he  answered.  'I  arn't  afeered,  but  I 
reckon  my  fam'ly  would  be  mi'ty  uneasy  about 
this  time  if  they  knowed  whar  I  was,  and  I  be- 
gin to  feel  pooty  sowlicitous  about  'em.' 

*'  'This  yer  thing  is  somethin'  like  law,'  I  ses, 
'when  yer'  into  her  you've  got  to  keep  goin'  till 
somethin'  gins  out.  She  hasn't  got  a  rope  a 
holdin'  of  her  down  now,  Spence,  and  as  for 
yer'  fam'ly,  I  reckon  the're  a  mi'ty  sight  safer 
than  you  be,  so  If  you  have  any  spare  sowlici- 
tude,  you  had  better  be  a  tuckin'  it  onto  your- 
self. 'Sides,'  I  contin'ed,  'I  hain't  studied  Into 
the  lettin'  down  part  of  it  half  so  much  as  Into 
the  rlzin'.' 

"'Jerusalem!'  he  shouted.  'I  thought  you 
war  famil'ar  with  the  hull  thing  or  I'd  have  as 
soon  thought  of  gwine  up  in  a  whirlwind.' 

"  'I  fancy  I  do  know  considerable  about  it,' 
I  ses. 

"'Then  why  can't  you  stop  her  right  here?' 
he  hollered,  lookin'  up,  pooty  pale. 


"SOMETHIN     GINNIN     OUT.  43 

"'I  cal'late  we've  got  to  keep  ascendin'  while 
the  gas  holds  out,'  I  answered. 

"'Thunder  and  llghtnin'!'  he  hollered,  jest 
that  way,  *and  what  are  you  agwine  to  do  arter 
the  gas  gins  out  ?  * 

"*I  reckon,'  ses  I,  'we'll  come  down  agin.' 

"'A  fiukin'?'  he  asked. 

'''Perhaps  so,'  ses  I.  'I  cal'late  we'll  come 
down  faster  than  we're  gwine  up,  but  I'm  hopin' 
to  catch  an  undercurrent  of  a'r  that  will  sweep 
us  along,  and  let  us  down  sort  of  gently.' 

'*Just  as  we  war  talkin'  somethin'  gin  a 
whoppin'  crack  overhead,  and  she  began  to 
drop  down  by  the  run  pooty  lively. 

"'What's  that?'  shouted  Spence.  'I  think 
I  hear  a  sort  of  tearin'  noise  up  thar ;  ain't 
somethin'  ginnin'  out  ?' 

"  *  I  reckon  the  old  woman's  sheets  have  com- 
menced to  gin  out,'  I  said,  kind  of  careless  like, 
though  beginnin'  to  feel  mi'ty  narvous  all  to 
wunst.  On  lookin'  down,  I  seed  Spence  was  a 
cranin'  out  of  the  basket  and  lookin'  down,  jest 
as  pale  as  could  be. 

"  '  Sufferin'  pilgrims  !'  he  shouted.  '  Can't 
you  throw  out  somethin',  Sam,  and  lighten  her 


44  COMING   DOWN. 

a  leetle  ?  She's  droppin'  straight  down,  like  an 
aeroHte.' 

"  '  I  hain't  got  anythin'  to  throw  out  exceptin' 
the  tea  bottle,  and  that  ar'  is  e'enmost  empty,' 
I  ses.  *  I  cal'late  we've  got  to  take  our  chances  ; 
if  you  hain't  forgot  yer  childhood  prayers,  you 
mout  as  well  be  a  runnin'  of  'em  over,  for 
things  are  beginnin'  to  look  mi'ty  skeery  jest 
now,  I  can  tell  ye.' 

"  Pooty  soon  I  heer'd  him  a  mumblin'  to  him- 
self, and  I  allers  allowed  he  was  prayln.' 

"We  war  now  about  steeple  high,  and  as  I 
had  expected,  the  wind  caught  us  and  began  to 
sweep  us  around  pooty  loose.  As  we  went 
wallopin'  over  St.  Patrick's  church,  Spence's 
basket  struck  the  spire  and  was  a  spillin'  of 
him  out  like  a  lobster  out  of  a  market  basket. 
I  peered  over  and  seed  he  was  e'enmost  gone, 
so  I  hollered,  '  Go  for  the  spire,  Spence,  it's 
your  only  chance.'  He  seemed  to  be  of  the 
same  mind,  for  as  I  spoke  he  was  a  grabbin'  for 
it  and  managed  to  git  hold  of  one  end  of  the 
weather-vane.  I  reckon  if  he  had  got  hold  on 
both  ends  he'd  ha'  bin  all  right ;  but  things 
war  gettin'  desperate  and  he  had  to  take  what 


ROUGH    ON   THE    PRIEST.  45 

come.  The  balloon  riz  some  when  he  fell  out, 
and  as  it  was  a  movin*  off  I  looked  back  to  see 
how  he  was  a  makin'  it.  He  was  a  hangin  thar 
like  a  gymnast,  a  kickin'  and  a  wormin'  and  the 
steeple  a  rockin'.  But  he  was  too  awful  heavy ; 
he  couldn't  draw  himself  up  nohow.  Pooty 
soon  the  tail  of  the  fish  gin  out,  and  down  he 
slid  along  the  steeple  like  a  shot  coon  down  a 
'simmon  tree. 

^'  Fortunately  he  struck  the  roof  and  over  it 
he  rolled,  clawin'  and  a  scratchin'  the  shingles 
as  he  went.  But  it  was  'all  go  and  no  whoa,' 
as  the  boy  said  when  he  was  a  slidin'  the 
greased  banister.  Old  Father  McGillop  was 
just  comin'  out  of  the  vestry  door  after  matins 
as  Spence  come  a  scootin'  over  the  eaves  and 
down  kerfiumix  right  on  top  of  him.  This,  ye 
see,  sort  of  broke  the  fall  for  Spence,  but  it 
spread  the  distress.  He  was  so  heavy  and 
come  v/ith  such  force  he  disjinted  the  neck  of 
his  Riverence,  and  shoved  it  so  far  down  into 
the  body  that  his  ears  were  restin'  on  the  shoul- 
ders. They  had  to  git  a  shovel  to  dig  him  out 
of  the  ground,  and  Doc  Willoughby  was  a 
fussin'  over  him  more  than  five  hours,  a  yankin' 


46  WIDDER    0*D0NNELL'S    SHOCK. 

his  neck  out  of  his  body,  and  pressin'  his  ears 
into  shape,  and  " 

"  Stop  now,"  said  the  fat  old  chap,  who  was 
worked  up  to  the  top  notch  of  attention,  "  do 
you  mean  to  say  he  lived  after  his  neck  was  dis- 
located ?" 

*'  Wal,  I  reckon,  boss,"  said  the  narrator, 
as  he  took  a  fresh  quid  of  tobacco,  "I  hain't 
made  no  sech  unreasonable  assertion.  I  was 
sayin'  they  hauled  his  neck  back,  and  put  his 
ears  in  place  agin  (or  ruther  one  of  'em,  for  the 
butcher's  door  eat  t'other  one  before  the  old 
sexton  could  git  to  it),  so  that  he  mout  make 
somethin'  like  a  decent  appearance  in  the  coffin. 

"  Soon  as  Spence  went  over  the  eave  I  lost 
sight  of  him,  for  I  was  drivin'  pooty  briskly 
over  Kent's  corn  patch,  and  as  I  came  sweepin' 
down  by  the  widder  O'Donnell's  she  was  in  the 
yard  gittin'  an  apron  full  of  chips.  I  reckon 
she  heer'd  a  burrin'  sound  overhead,  'cause  she 
looked  up,  and  when  she  seed  the  balloon  she 
gin  a  squall  and  cried  out  somethin'  about  pro- 
tection. I  reckoned  she  was  callin'  on  the 
saints,  but  had  no  time  just  then  to  listen. 
Before  she  had  gone  many  steps  she  dropped, 


AN    ANIMATED    SCENE.  47 

and  I  allowed  she  had  gone  down  In  a  faintin' 
fit. 

"  I  was  a  drivin'  and  a  driftin'  over  the  villao-e 
like  a  thisde  down,  for  more  than  two  hours, 
and  the  dogs  war  a  barkin'  and  the  men  and 
wimmin  a  hollerin'  and  a  runnin'  arter  it  wherever 
It  drifted.     The  barn-yard  fowls  war  a  cacklin' 
and  a  screamin'.     Jewllllkens  !  didn't  I  make  a 
rumption   among  them   though!     You'd  think 
thar  war  forty  thousand  hawks  and  turkey-buz- 
zards a  hoverin'  over  the  village,   by  the  way 
they  scattered,  aginst  the  winders,  ahind  stun 
walls,  into  the  wells,  under  lumber  piles  and 
curnnt  bushes ;  such  a  scrougin'  and  squattin' 
and  scootin'  I  never  did  see.    Parson  Jones  had 
thirteen  lights  of  glass  smashed  by  fowls  bat- 
term'  aginst    the  winders  tryin'  to  git  in,  and 
Dud  Davis,  the  blacksmith,  fished  seven  dead 
hens,  two  turkeys,  a  guinea  fowl,  and  two  small 
pigs  out  of  his  well  next  day,  whar  they  sought 
refuge  and  war  drown'd.    Dad  Kent  gin  me  six 
traces  of  good  seed  corn  next  fall.     He  said 
barrin'  the  killin'  of  Priest  McGillop,  it  was  the 
best  thing  that  ever  happened  in  Tuckersville. 
He  said  I  did  more  for  his  crop  than  if  he  had 


48  TO    SEE    THE    BALLOON. 

a  scarecrow  standin'  astride  every  hill.  Thar 
wasn't  a  crow  flew  within  two  miles  of  the  village 
for  mor'n  a  fortnight,  and  by  that  time  the  corn 
was  grown  so  they  couldn't  pull  it  up. 

"  Pooty  soon  the  balloon  come  down  about 
house  high  and  druv  over  toward  the  dee-pot. 
I  was  a  hopin'  she'd  catch  on  the  telegraph  wire, 
but  she  skimm'd  over,  like  a  swallow  over  a 
fence,  and  immediately  riz  up  tree  high  agin, 
where  scrape,  slap,  slash,  she  went  into  an  ole 
pine  that  stood  out  alone  in  the  field.  I  was 
scratched  pooty  bad,  but  hung  on  to  the  limbs, 
and  arter  a  while  slid  down  the  tree  leavln'  the 
balloon  hangin'  in  the  tree-top.  Great  turnips  ! 
If  all  Tuckersville  wasn't  down  thar  in  five  min- 
utes. Thar  war  young  'uns  runnin'  around  half- 
dressed,  with  corn-dodgers  in  their  hands,  and 
wimmin  with  babies  in  their  arms.  It  was  like 
a  dog  fight,  only,  as  the  feller  said  when  describin' 
the  nigger  by  the  mulatter.  It  was  more  so. 

"The  train  was  delayed  half  an  hour  that 
mornin',  'cause  the  engineer,  conductor  and  all 
hands  jumped  off  the  cars  and  ran  down  to  the 
balloon.  Peg-leg  Dibbly,  the  Mexican  war 
veteran,  was  thar,  hobblin'  around  among  the 


ONLY   ONE    FOOT    IN    THE    MUD.  49 

rest.  He  was  In  such  a  hurry  to  git  down  to 
the  tree  he  wouldn't  go  around  by  the  road, 
but  started  in  to  take  a  short  cut  across  the 
marsh  with  the  crowd.     And  he  had  a  sweet, 


GO   IN,    CRIPPLE. 


sweatin'  time  of  it  too,  now  I  can  assure  you. 
First  his  cane  would  stick,  and  just  about  the 
time  he  would  git  that  out,  down  would  slide  his 
iron-shod  leg  fully  a  foot  into  the  mud,  and  stake 

4 


50  PEG-LEG    DIBBLY  S    EXPLOITS. 

him  thar  like  a  scarecrow.  Then  he  would  look 
down  to  where  the  people  were  standin',  and 
jerk  and  swear  until  the  want  of  breath  only 
would  make  him  let  up.  He  got  down  thar 
after  a  while  though,  but  he  had  to  crawl  con- 
siderable before  he  could  do  it;  and  arter  he  got 
thar  he  was  bobbin'  here  and  bobbin'  thar,  tryin' 
to  git  a  better  look  up  into  the  tree,  until  at  last 
he  stumbled  and  fell  across  one  of  Dud  Davis' 
young  'uns,  and  gin  her  left  leg  a  compound 
fractur'.  She  set  up  a  screamin',  and  he  was  so 
weak  and  frightened  he  couldn't  git  up  agin  no 
how,  but  lay  thar  gruntin',  and  sprawlin',  and 
kickin'  his  one  leg  around.  The  blacksmith  was 
thar  himself,  and  when  he  seed  his  young  'uri 
down  in  the  mud  with  her  leg  broke,  you  never 
seed  a  man  so  mad  in  all  your  born  days.  He 
jest  ran  and  grabbed  the  old  pensioner  by  the 
coat  collar,  and  slung  him  morn  fifteen  feet, 
landin'  him  slidin'  on  his  back  in  the  mud,  like  a 
crawfish. 

"  About  the  same  time  Tubbs,  the  cooper,  was 
a  lookin'  up,  and  he  seed  a  bough  springin'  up, 
and  he  allowed  the  balloon  was  comin'  down  ; 
so  he  started  to  run,  and  stepped  on  the  foot  of 


JUST    A    MOUTHFUL. 


51 


Kent's  snappin'  bull-dog,  that  was  a  settin'  thar 
lookin*  up  the  tree,  thinkin'  thar  must  be  a  coon 
up  It.  The  cur  whirled  round  mad,  and  set  his 
teeth  into  the  nighest  thing  to  him,  which  hap- 


A   RIGHT  ANGLED    TRY-ANKLK. 


pened  to  be  old  Polly  Allen's  ankle.  But  he  got 
more  than  he  bargained  for,  though,  for  she  was 
so  tuff  that  his  teeth  stuck  thar,  and  she  was  a 
screamin'  and  a  runnin'  hum,  draggin'  him  arter 
her  mor'n  half  the  way.    I  never  did  see  sich  an 


52  A    SERMON    ON    BALLOONS. 

excitin'  time.  School  was  dismissed,  and  there 
wasn't  a  Hck  of  work  done  in  Tuckersville  the 
hul  day.  The  hul  talk  was  'Sam  Patterson's 
balloon,  Sam  Patterson's  balloon.'  I  didn't  have 
to  pay  a  picayune  for  anything  for  mor'n  three 
weeks.  Parson  Jones  preached  a  tellin'  sermon 
about  the  balloon,  and  thar  wasn't  standin'  room 
In  the  church ;  they  had  to  keep  the  windows 
open  and  let  people  standin'  on  the  outside  stick 
their  heads  in  and  listen.  He  likened  it  first  to 
youth,  when  it  was  a  rollin'  around  in  the  back 
yard,  whar  nobody  seed  it,  impatient  and  ambi- 
tious to  rise.  Then  like  unto  manhood,  when  It 
was  up,  a  bustin'  and  droppin'  down  agin.  Next 
he  said  it  resembled  old  age,  when  It  was  in  rags 
a  floppin'  around  in  the  tree,  more  for  observa- 
tion than  use.  Thar  wasn't  hardly  a  dry  eye  In 
the  hul  meetin'  house.  Hard-hearted  old  sin- 
ners cried  like  teethin'  babies. 

''The  balloon  hung  In  the  tree  all  summer, 
and  every  day  thar'd  be  a  crowd  of  people 
starin'  at  it,  like  cats  at  a  bird  cage.  A  phoo- 
tographer  came  the  hul  way  from  town,  and 
took  lots  of  views  of  the  remains  ;  and  one  of 
Frank  Leslie's  special  artists  come  rattlin'  down 


MY    LIITLE    ROVER.  53 

thar,  and  sot  on  a  stun  wall  for  two  days  draw- 
in'  sketches  of  It.  He  said  It  was  the  most 
spirited  subject  he  had  sot  eyes  on  since  he 
sketched  the  hoop-skirt  Jeff  Davis  was  cap- 
tured in.  But  I'm  gettin'  ruther  dry.  Ain't 
some  of  you  fellers  agwine  to  call  on  the  stlml- 
lints?" 


MY  CANINE. 


"  If  you  have  tears,  prepare  to  shed  them  now." 

Shakespeare. 


OOME  fond  poets  sing  of  their  lady-love's  eyes, 
^     Or  lovers  who  sail  the  seas  over ; 
But  poet-like  I  shall  gaze  up  at  the  skies, 
And  muse  of  my  little  dog  Rover. 


The  canine  I  sing,  to  disease  is  a  prey ; 

The  mange,  the  distemper,  and  flea, 
Have  all  had  their  turn,  and  have  worn  him  away ; 

His  shadow  you  scarcely  can  see. 


54 


A   SORROWFUL   STORY. 


From  earliest  light,  until  late  in  the  night, 

He's  dodging  hot  water  and  sticks ; 
I'm  shamed  to  confess  it,  but  truth  I  must  write, 

He's  a  foot-ball  that  every  one  kicks. 

I  hear  his  thin  cry,  and  his  frightened  "  ki-yi," 

Almost  any  hour  of  the  day ; 
And   Bridget's    "Bad  'cess  to   the  likes   of  your 
Skye, 

Sure  he's  here,  and  he's  there  like  a  flay." 


Upon  his  poor  body  the  hair  has  all  died, 
'Tis  smooth  and  as  bare  as  your  hand ; 

I  vow  I  believe  there's  no  life  in  his  hide, 
It  looks  just  as  if  it  were  tanned. 


His  blood  is  so  thin  that  he  never  is  warm, 
And  keenly  he  feels  the  cold  weather ; 

He  shivering  stands  with  tail  end  to  the  storm, 
And  his  four  feet  all  huddled  together. 


A  Sorrowful  story.  55 

He  suffers  sad  woe,  as  his  body  doth  show, 
His  face  bears  a  hopeless  expression ; 

He  seems  to  be  wondering  why  he's  a  foe, 
Who  never  commits  a  transgression. 


He's  only  a  dog  in  the  dark  to  be  sure, 
But  I  who  am  mourning  his  plight, 

Know  accident  often  exalts  the  low  boor. 
And  crowds  merit  down  out  of  sight. 

How  oft  do  we  see  the  chief  dunce  of  the  town, 

With  head  like  a  turnip  or  melon, 
Advanced  to  the  Bench,  or  clergyman's  gown, 

Though  thought  to  be  born  for  a  felon. 

Dost  laugh  at  my  song  ?     Well  I  care  not  a  pin, 

My  notion  I  never  shall  lose ; 
I  know  that  my  dog  hath  a  spirit  within, 

That  cannot  be  crushed  by  abuse. 


JIM    DUDLEY'S   FLIGHT. 


T^HAT  blabbing  Hoosier,  Bob  Browser,  has 
^  found  me  out,  and  paid  me  a  call,  boring 
me  with  his  confounded  stories.  Even  as  a 
hungry  parrot  when  crackers  are  in  view,  or 
as  a  miller's  hopper  when  water  is  high  and  the 
farmer's  meal  bags  low,  he  rattles  right  along 
with  copious  discourse. 

"What's  that  you  say!  Did  you  know  Jim 
Dudley  ?  What !  him  as  the  boys  in  Gosport 
used  to  call  Carrot  Top  Jim  ?  Wal,  I'll  be  rat- 
tled if  that  ain't  queer.  Wasn't  he  the  all- 
firedest  shirk  you  ever  did  see  ?  Prehaps  you 
remember  how  sudden  he  left  Gosport  jest  be- 
fore the  war?  Oh,  that's  so,  sure  enough,  you 
went  north  sometime  afore  that. 

"Wal,  that  chap  was  etarnally  gettin'  in  some 

scrape  or  another ;  I  do  jest  think  I've  helped 

that  Jim  out  of  more  close  corners  than  there 

are  buildin's  in  this  yer  town.    Yer  see  him  and 

56 


THE   BUTCHER^S    DAUGHTER. 


57 


me  was  great  chums,  and  roomed  at  the  same 
house  on  York  Street.  Jim  was  a  courtin*  a 
butcher's  darter  that  lived  out  near  the  cem't'ry 


BOB    BROWSER. 


for  'bout  a  year  afore  he  left,  leastwise  he  was 
a  totin'  of  her  around  considerable,  takin'  her 
to  picnics,  circuses,  hoss  races,  and  the  like.     I 


58  IN    HASTE   TO   GO. 

kind  of  had  my  doubts  about  him  gettin'  mar- 
ried, 'cause  he  was  a  pooty  sot  ole  batch',  and 
sometimes  I'd  ask  him  when  the  nuptils  were 
a  comin'  off;  but  he'd  allers  shuffle  out  of  it  by 
sayin'  when  they  did  come  I'd  git  an  invite,  and 
kind  of  larf  it  off  jest  that  way. 

"  One  night  pooty  soon  arter  I  had  got  into  bed 
I  heered  some  one  thumpin'  at  my  door,  and  afore 
I  had  time  to  say  anythin'  Jim  Dudley  was  plum 
across  the  room  and  standin'  by  the  bedside. 

"'Bob,'  ses  he,  jest  that  way,  'we've  got  to 
part  agin'  and  I've  come  to  gin  your  paw  a 
shake  afore  I  leave.' 

"'What's  up  now,  Jim?'  ses  I,  pooty  sur- 
prised and  settin'  up  amazin'  fast  in  bed  to  strike 
a  light,  'cause  I  allers  liked  Jim.  Drat  my  pic- 
tur,  if  I  didn't.  He  stuck  to  me  like  a  hoss- 
leech  when  I  was  down  with  the  yaller  fever.  I 
was  peeled  down  so  mi'ty  thin  that  I  didn't  make 
a  shadder  only  arter  I'd  been  eatin'  corn  dodg- 
ers or  somethin'  that  wasn't  transparent.  Soon 
as  I  got  a  light  I  seed  his  face  was  tombstun 
white  exceptin'  some  long  red  scratches  onto  it, 
that  made  me  think  thar  had  been  cats  a-clawin' 
of  him. 


A   RECONNOITRE.  59 

"  *I  haint  time  to  gin  perticulars  now,  but 
water's  gettin'  too  plaguey  shaller  for  me  in 
Gosport,'  ses  he,  jest  that  way.  'And  I'm  gwine 
to  pull  out  for  deeper  soundin's.  I  want  to 
head  off  the  night  express,  and  as  I've  got  only 
fifteen  minutes  to  do  it  in,  must  be  a  movin'/ 
and  givin'  my  hand  a  rattlin'  shake  he  turned, 
and  before  I  could  say  'scat,'  he  was  goin'  down 
the  stairs  like  a  bucket  fallin'  down  a  well,  and  I 
thought  he  hadn't  more  than  got  to  the  middle  of 
the  flight  when  I  heer'd  the  door  slam  behind  him. 

"I  lay  awake  thar  for  hours  thinkin'  and  won- 
derin'  what  on  airth  could  have  turned  up  to 
make  Jim  dust  out  of  town  so  all-fired  sudden, 
bein'  as  how  he  was  doin'  pooty  well  pecu- 
n'ar'ly — that  is,  for  him. 

"I  kind  of  mistrusted  somethin'  had  gone 
wrong  with  him  out  to  old  Hurley's — the  butch- 
er's. So  the  next  day,  bein'  kind  of  curious,  I 
took  a  stroll  out  that  way,  to  look  around  a 
leetle  and  see  what  was  goin'  on.  I  seed  a 
giaz'er  a  fussin'  round  a  winder,  and  old  Hurley 
sittin'  on  the  steps  lookin'  mi'ty  solemn  at  a  hat 
— which  I  knowed  was  Jim's — that  was  a-hangin' 
on  a  bush  in  the  garden. 


6o  JIM  Dudley's  story. 

"Some  months  arter  this  the  war  was  a  bIHn' 
and  I  jined  a  company  and  went  down  to  Cairo 
to  go  into  camp.  By  jingo !  would  you  believe 
it?  almost  the  first  man  I  ran  ag'in'  was  Jim 
Dudley !  He'd  enlisted  in  a  hoss  regiment  up 
to  St.  Louis,  and  come  down  to  camp  a  few 
days  afore  me.  We  were  both  mi'ty  tickled  to 
meet  one  another  right  thar,  so  we  p'inted  for  a 
place  where  we  could  have  a  straight-out  chat, 
and  while  we  were  sittin'  thar,  talkin'  about  old 
times,  ses  I  to  him : — 

"'Jim,  now  we're  a  gwine  down  into  this 
blamed  muss,  and  the  chances  are  pooty  good 
for  us  to  git  chawed  up  down  thar,  and  nothin' 
more  to  be  heer'd  about  us — now  s'posin'  you 
tell  a  feller  what  made  you  pull  up  stakes  and 
dust  from  Gosport  so  amazin'  fast,  last  Fall.' 

"'Wal,  Bob,'  ses  he,  *seein'  we've  met  agin, 
I  don't  mind  if  I  do  'lighten  you  a  leetle  in  re- 
gard to  my  leavin'  so  sudden.  You  remember 
I'd  bin  over  to  Franklin  some  time  afore  I  left, 
and  jest  got  back  to  Gosport  that  day,  and  in 
the  evenin'  I  started  out  to  see  Magf.  I  was  a 
hopin'  the  old  man  wouldn't  be  to  hum — he  gin- 
e rally  was  away  Saturday  nights. 


AN    UNEXPECTED    MEETING.  6 1 

"''Twas  dark  afore  I  got  there,  leastwise  the 
bats  were  a  flitterln'  aroun'  the  gables  and 
apple  trees,  a-lookin'  for  thar  suppers.  I  gin  the 
bell-knob  a  jerk  anyhow,  and  pooty  soon   old 


OLD   HURLEY  WELCOMES  JIM. 


Hurley  hisself  came  to  the  door,  with  a  candle 
In  his  hand.  He  was  in  his  shirt-sleeves,  and 
I  reckon  he  had  jest  come  hum  from  work.  He 
kind  of  gin  a  start,  as  though  he  was  surprised 
to  see  me ;  and  I  gin  a  start,  too,  and  jumped 


62  THE    BUTCHER    WELCOMES    HIM. 

back  from  the  door  pooty  quick,  for  I  thought  I 
heer'd  him  grit  his  teeth  a  leede — somethin'  like 
a  sheep  arter  she's  bin  eatin'  beans — but  I 
was'nt  sartain. 

"'Come  in,  M-i-s-t-e-r  Dudley,'  ses  he,  kind 
of  low  and  coaxin'  like.  'I  hope  you've  bin 
enjoyin'  good  health.  I  hope  you've  come  pre- 
pared to  stop  with  us  awhile.' 

"Thankin'  him  for  his  kind  wishes,  I  follered 
him  along,  wonderin'  what  in  time  made  him  so 
amazin'  solicitous  for  my  health  all  to  wunst, 
'cause  I  knowed  the  old  man  hated  me  worse 
than  a  rat  does  pizen. 

"He  didn't  stop  in  the  parlor  where  some 
folks  were  sittin',  but  kept  on  into  a  small  room, 
beck'nin'  me  to  foller,  which  I  did,  though  I  was 
beginnin'  to -feel  pooty  suspicious  about  the  old 
feller's  movements. 

"'Stay  here  a  minute,  Mr.  Dudley,' ses  he, 
arter  I  had  sot  down.  'Make  yourself  com- 
fortable until  I  come  back  agin,'  he  continued, 
jest  that  way,  and  then  he  stepped  out. 

"  I  tell  you,  I  begun  to  feel  wonderful  fidgity 
and  kind  of  prickly  down  along  the  spine  ;  and 
when  I  heer'd  the  old  man   comin'  back,  and 


THE    BUTCHER    MEANS    BUSINESS.  6^ 

heer  d  his  feet  slappin'  down  heavier  and  faster 
than  when   he  went  out,  then    I  knowed  thar 
was  trouble  ahead.     I  could  feel  a  distressin' 
presentiment  jest  a-bubblin'  through  my  veins, 
and  limberln'  up  all  my  jints. 

*'Pooty  soon  the  old  man  came  in,  a-holdin' 
his  left  hand  in  front  of  him  doubled  up  tight 
as  though  for  boxin',  and  keepin'  his  right  hand 
ahind  him,  kind  of  careless  like,  as  though  'twas 
there  by  accident.  I  knowed  'twas  no  nat'ral 
position,  and  kept  peerin'  round,  for  I  'spected 
he  had  a  cow-hide,  and  was  calculatin'  to  gin 
me  a  sound  tannin'  ;  but  when  he  went  to  shet 
the  door  ahind  him,  I  got  a  glimpse  of  the 
alfiredest  great  butcher's  cleaver  you  ever  yet 
sot  eyes  on,  a-shinin'  jest  as  bright  as  could  be. 
Jerusalem  !  if  that  bone-splitter  didn't  make 
me  begin  to  feel  tarnation  uneasy,  then  thar's 
no  use  sayin'  It.  My  heart  flopped  up  so  far 
Into  my  throat  it  actewelly  seemed  as  though  I 
could  taste  It. 

'' '  I've  got  very  pressin'  business  down  town, 
and  guess  I'd  better  be  a-movin,*  ses  I,  rizin'  up. 

'''S-I-t  d-o-w-n,'  ses    he,   easy,  that  way,  as 
though  he  wasn't  disturbed  any,  though  I  seed 


64  A    BREAK. 

he  was  awful  pale.  '  Don't  be  in  a  hurry/  he 
went  on,  keepin'  his  back  flat  against  the  door 
the  whole  time.  '  YouVe  been  pokin'  around 
here  'bout  long  enuff,'  said  he,  '  and  I  think  it 
time  you  'tended  to  bisness. 

"  '  I've  sent  for  Father  Ouinn,'  he  contin'ed, 
*  cal'latin'  to  hev  you  jined  to  the  family  rite  off, 
afore  you  leave  the  house,'  and  he  gin  the 
cleaver  a  sweepin'  flourish ;  but  while  he  was 
a-doin'  it  he  sort  of  took  his  eyes  away  from  me, 
and  before  he  could  say  '  scat,'  I  jest  shet  my 
eyes  tight,  and  made  one  detarmined  lunge  for 
the  winder,  head  fust,  like  a  sheep  through  a 
clump  of  briars,  and  went  a-crashin'  plum  out 
on  all  fours  into  the  gardin,  takin'  the  hull 
lower  sash  along  with  me. 

''The  old  man  gin  one  rattlin'  shout  like  a 
wounded  gorrillar,  when  he  seed  me  go.  I 
knowed  he'd  be  arter  me  mi'ty  quick,  so  I  broke 
through  the  gardin  for  the  toll-road,  the  blarsted 
ole  sash  a-hangin'  around  my  neck  like  a  hog- 
yoke,  catchin'  on  everythin'  as  I  ran.  I  hadn't 
more'n  struck  the  road  and  begun  to  dust  along 
it,  when  I  heered  the  old  man  comin',  a-snortin' 
an'  a  spatterin',  down  the  turnpike  ahind  me. 


A   CLOSE    SHAVE. 


65 


I  'lowed  he'd  overhaul  me  if  I  kept  right  on, 
'cause  I  hadn't  got  the  sash  off  yet,  and  the 
blamed  thing  was  jest  ginnin'  my  neck  jess  ; 
so    flouncin'    aside    pooty    sudden,    I    flopped 


SM. 

fe^^Efe^ 

m^^^ma^Bj^tBB^^     "^^^B^^                    "^ 

[Si' ' 

fSK^^wBmKKnr^^^^^i  lid     b"  - 

p«i|p| 

g^- 

■■fcMiW 

^^i 

^  -  .^^^^- 

- 

OLD    HURLEY  ON  THE   WAR    PATH. 


down  ahind  a  sassafras  bush,  and  I  hadn't 
more'n  got  thar  nuther  when  old  Hurley  went 
a-rackin'  and  a  rearln'  past,  the  bloodthirsty 
great  meat-ax  a-gleamin'  in  his  hand.  He 
reckoned  I  was  still  ahead,  so  he  went  a-flukin' 
5 


66  CIRCUMVENTED. 

down  the  road,  clearin'  the  toll-bar  at  one 
bounce,  without  so  much  as  dustin'  it,  and 
keepin'  right  on  for  Gosport.  Thunder!  didn't 
I  tear  off  the  ruins  of  that  winder  mity  fast, 
though?  Then  I  dim'  the  fence,  and  took 
across  lots  through  Hiram  Nye's  corn  patch, 
and  down  by  Blake's  orchard,  comin'  into  town 
by  the  lower  road.  I  think  more'n  likely  old 
Hurley  kept  a-goin'  it  plum  to  Gosport  before 
he  mistrusted  that  I  dodged  him  ;  and  I  do  jest 
think  if  he  had  got  hold  on  me — a-bilin'  as  he 
was — he  wouldn't  have  left  a  piece  of  me  to- 
gether large  enough  to  bait  a  mink  trap. 
Wasn't  that  an  all-fired  close  dodge,  though? 
I  reckon  you'll  not  see  me  in  Gosport  agin, 
leastways  not  while  old  Hurley's  a-livin'.  I've 
no  notion  o'  gettin'  married  in  no  such  haste  as 
that.  Thar's  the  bugle  callin'  to  muster — let's 
hurry  up  and  go." 


'*->^'#d^^-'^ 


TRIALS  OF  THE  FARMER. 


T  WANT  to  be  a  farmer 
^     And  with  the  farmers  stand — 
A  whetstone  in  my  pocket, 
A  bHster  on  my  hand. 

I  sing  to  be  a  farmer, 

Without  the  right  of  way 

Across  my  neighbor's  lot  to  drive 
My  ox-cart  or  my  sleigh. 

I  long  to  be  a  farmer 

And  own  a  breachy  mare, 


67 


6^ 


THE    FARMER  S    SONG. 


That  oft  will  leap  the  bound'ry  line, 
And  make  my  neighbors  swear. 

I  pine  to  be  a  farmer 

And  own  a  kicking  steer, 

That  I  may  feel  his  horny  heel 
Whenever  I  draw  near. 

I  sigh  to  be  a  farmer 

And  plant  my  field  of  corn, 
That  crows  may  flock  and  pull  it  up 

Before  the  streak  of  morn. 

I  shout  to  be  a  farmer : 
How  much  I  would  adore 

To  drive  a  big  and  stubborn  pig 
Some  five  miles  or  more. 


A  CUNNING  DODGE. 


nPHERE  was  a  certain  citizen  of  this  place,  a 
butcher  by  occupation,  who,  deeming  the 
remuneration  he  received  small  in  comparison 
to  the  amount  of  service  done,  resolved  to  dis- 
continue butchering  cattle  and  become  a  butcher 
of  men,  or  in  other  words  to  assume  the  respon- 
sibilities of  a  practicing  physician  and  surgeon. 
It  seems  in  his  travels  he  had  collected  quite  a 
number  of  receipts  and  prescriptions  from  old 
almanacs  and  doctors'  books. 

With  this  limited  stock  of  medical  knowledge, 
and  an  unusually  large  amount  of  "cheek,"  he 
thought  to  work  himself  into  a  lucrative  busi- 
ness. As  an  invoice  of  smallpox  was  expected 
by  every  steamer,  he  imagined  he  might  pass 
among  other  professionals  as  though  his  scien- 
tific acquirements  were  excelled  by  none,  and 
his  vocabulary  of  Latin  names  surpassed  "  Doc- 
tor Hornbook's." 

69 


Jo  WAITING    FOR    VICTIMS. 

Hiring  an  office  In  a  central  locality,  he 
hoisted  a  board  reaching-  nearly  across  the 
building,  on  which  his  name  and  calling  were 
made  known  In  large  characters.  Then  sitting 
down  amidst  a  ''beggarly  account  of  empty  bot- 
tles," he  patiently  awaited  the  result.  Whether 
the  city  had  suddenly  become  remarkably 
healthy  through  the  sanitary  exertions  of  the 
health  commissioners,  or  he  had  not  his  pro- 
portionate share  of  the  medical  practice  In 
requisition,  he  knew  not,  but  certain  It  was,  that 
from  morn  to  noon,  from  noon  to  dewy  eve  he 
sat  in  his  room — 

"  As  idle  as  a  painted  ship 
Upon  a  painted  ocean." 

One  day,  however,  while  straying  along  North 
Beach,  musing  on  the  strange  vicissitudes  In 
human  affairs,  and  thinking  how  "weary,  stale, 
flat  and  unprofitable"  were  all  the  uses  of  this 
world,  a  happy  Idea  presented  Itself  In  the 
vicinity  of  the  County  Hospital  he  had  noticed 
the  Invalids  coming  out  to  sun  themselves,  like 
seals,  along  the  Beach.  What  a  glorious  attrac- 
tion   to    custom    they   would    be,    congregated 


THE    CRIPPLE    BRIGADE. 


7i 


around  his  door !  Entering  into  conversation 
with  some  of  them,  he  soon  struck  a  bargain 
with  thirty  or  more.  They  were  to  visit  his 
office  once  a  day,  those  who  could  walk  there 
without  much  trouble  or  pain    receiving   fifty 


ADVANCE   OF  THE    CRIPPLE   BRIGADE. 


cents  per  day,  while  those  who  traveled  under 
greater  difficulties  were  to  be  paid  accordingly. 
So,  every  morning,  after  breakfast,  they  took  up 
their  line  of  march  in  twos  and  threes  along  the 
street  toward  the  charlatan's  place  of  business. 
They  were  indeed  a  motley  crowd — that  cripple 


72  LOUD    PRAISES. 

brigade — as  they  hobbled  through  the  tho- 
roughfare. 

There  came  the  maimed,  the  halt,  the  with- 
ered, and  the  blind,  shuffling  into  his  ofhce 
thicker  than  diseased  Jews  to  the  troubled  pool 
of  Bethesda.  If  any  stranger  chanced  to  drop 
in  for  medical  treatment,  the  crowd  of  hired 
specimens  began  at  once  to  converse  among 
themselves  of  the  wonderful  skill  of  the  phy- 
sician. One  remarked  how  his  sight  had  im- 
proved under  treatment,  how  he  could  see  two 
objects  now  where  he  used  to  see  but  one. 
Another  related  in  glowing  terms  the  ravenous 
appetite  the  doctor's  bitters  had  awakened  in 
his  system ;  through  all  the  hours  of  the  day  he 
was  now  as  hungry  as  a  whirlpool.  A  third 
would  eulogize  his  method  of  treating  conta- 
gious diseases  in  general. 

In  this  way  the  real  patient,  though  receiving 
no  actual  benefit  from  the  watery  potions  ad- 
ministered, was  retained  in  hopes  of  an  ultimate 
cure.  At  length  the  curiosity  of  the  resident 
physician  of  the  Hospital  was  aroused.  He 
couldn't  imagine  where  his  patients  filed  away 
to  every  morning,  as  regularly  as  liberated  geese 


A   TERRIBLE   TAKE    IN.  73 

to  some  well-known  pond.  Following  up  the 
bandaged  crew  and  investigating  the  matter,  he 
soon  learned  the  state  of  affairs,  and  forbade 
their  leaving  the  Hospital  yard  without  a  permit. 
This  sudden  falling  off  in  the  would-be-doctor's 
patients  made  a  material  change  in  the  appear- 
ance of  his  office.  In  short,  it  leveled  his  busi- 
ness and  his  hopes,  and  again  the  quack  sank 
into  that  obscurity  from  which  he  so  energet- 
ically struggled  to  emerge. 


A  TERRIBLE  TAKE  IN. 


T 


O-DAY,  while  taking  dinner  in  an  eating- 
house  in  a  Western  town,  I  witnessed  an 
amusing  incident.  It  appears  the  proprietor 
had  often  been  imposed  upon  by  bummers  who 
would  walk  boldly  into  the  dining-room,  and 
after  stowing  away  a  supply  of  victuals  that 
would  fill  an  ordinary  carpet  sack,  would  shuffle 


74  HIGH    EXPECTATIONS. 

Up  to  the  counter,  and  in  an  undertone  of  voice 
inform  the  person  there  officiating  that  they 
were  unfortunately  "dead  broke."  Of  course 
the  law  doesn't  allow  any  ripping  to  be  done  on 
such  occasions,  other  than  swearing.  Then  the 
well-filled  rascals  would  walk  off  picking  their 
teeth  with  the  utmost  composure  ;  except  in 
extreme  cases  when  the  out-going  party  would 
be  assisted  over  the  threshold  by  an  uprising 
boot.  But  even  kicks  would  not  bring  the  coin 
into  the  till,  or  bring  back  upon  the  table  the 
vanished  edibles,  so  this  treatment  was  seldom 
resorted  to.  Finally,  the  proprietor  bought  a 
large  syringe,  and  placing  it  in  a  drawer  in  the 
dining-room,  bided  his  time. 

It  happened  while  I  was  sitting  at  the  table 
an  individual,  whose  cheek  the  proprietor  had 
reason  to  believe  far  exceeded  his  checks, 
entered  the  room  and  sat  down  directly  in  front 
of  me.  A  plate  of  hot  bean  soup  sat  invitingly 
before  him,  from  which  the  savory  steam  rose 
up  in  clouds,  and  not  only  filled  the  nostrils  of 
the  hungry  man  widi  delicious  and  enticing 
odors,  but  served  to  whet  the  hungry  edge  of 
appetite. 


**  THERE  S    MANY   A   SLIP       ETC. 


75 


Lifting  a  large  pewter  spoon  that  lay  beside 
the  plate,  he  was  about  to  introduce  it  to  the 
hot  decoction  before  him.  Already  the  limber 
hinges  of  his  jaw  began  to  relax,  preparatory  to 


PAY  IN  ADVANCE,  SIR. 


admitting  the  well-filled  spoon.  His  attention 
was  suddenly  arrested  by  the  proprietor,  who, 
with  one  hand  behind  him  and  the  other  laid 
upon  the  spoon-arm  of  the  would-be  eater, 
demanded  the  price  of  the  dinner  before  he 


76  REPLEVYING  THE   SOUP. 

went  any  further.  The  man,  it  seems,  was  not 
a  member  of  that  class  of  individuals  which  the 
hotel  keeper  thought  him.  He  was  justly  in- 
dignant, therefore,  at  the  demand,  and  sharply 
informed  mine  host  that  "  he  guessed  after  he 
had  eaten  his  dinner  would  be  time  enough  to 
pay  for  it."  But  the  oft-swindled  proprietor 
thought  differently.  The  man  had  scarcely  got 
the  words  out  of  his  mouth  before  ''mine  host" 
produced  a  syringe,  large  as  the  trunk  of  a 
small-sized  elephant,  and  slapping  the  nozzle  of 
it  into  the  soup,  ran  it  circling  around  the  plate, 
and  with  one  long,  slobbering  draught,  like  that 
of  a  horse  drinking  through  his  bits,  the  soup 
plate  was  left  lying  before  the  hungry  man,  as 
empty  as  his  own  stomach. 

The  astonished  individual  looked  first  at  his 
plate,  on  which  not  even  a  bean  was  left,  then 
at  the  dripping,  steaming  muzzle  of  the  syringe, 
and  lastly  at  the  landlord,  who  stood  with  a 
look  of  triumph  spreading  over  his  face,  silently 
waiting  for  the  man  to  either  come  down  with 
the  coin  or  leave  the  table. 

Though  not  liking  that  summary  way  of 
treating  a  person,  the  man  was  either  too  hun- 


all's  well  that  ends  well.' 


n 


gry  or  too  limited  in  time  to  go  further  for  a 
meal,  so  he  fished  out  of  his  pocket  the  change 
and  handed  it  to  the  proprietor.  The  latter 
thereupon  discharged  the  contents  of  the 
syringe  into  the  soup  plate  again,  and  walked 
away,  leaving  the  customer  to  proceed  with  his 
dinner. 


A  FAMILY  JAR. 


o 


NE  night,  while  passing  through  the  street, 

A  stranger  paused  to  hear 
The  tumult  from  a  cottage  nigh, 

That  stunned  the  listening  ear. 
And  as  he  stood  without  the  door 

The  sound  of  war  arose, 
As  when  Boroo  the  Irish  king 

Engaged  his  stubborn  foes. 

So  drawing  nigh  the  window-sill 

He  studied  matters  fair. 
And  lo,  the  husband  and  the  wife 

Engaged  in  battle  there : 
The  former  with  his  doubled  fists 

The  battle  sought  to  win ; 
While  to  his  head  the  wife  applied 

The  heavy  rolling-pin. 


And  as  the  stranger  stood  without 
He  thus  communed  with  care, — 
For  he  was  shrewd  and  thought  it  best 
To  weigh  the  danger  there, — 
"  This  is  some  family  affair  : 
Some  question  I  opine 
78 


A   WISE    DECISION. 

That  I  should  not  discuss  with  them, 
Nor  make  the  quarrel  mine ; 

For  I  am  newly  risen  up 
From  off  the  bed  of  pain, 

And  they  perchance  will  turn  on  me, 
And  send  me  there  again." 


79 


STRANGER    WHO    WENT    NOT   IN. 


So  turning  from  the  window-sill 
He  journeyed  on  his  way, 

And  went  not  in,  but  left  the  pair 
Engaged  in  doubtful  fray ; 


8o  "THE  COMBAT  DEEPENS.'* 

And  when  he  was  a  great  way  ofif 
The  stranger  paused  once  more, 

And  lo !  the  noise  of  battle  fell 
Still  louder  than  before. 

Then  he  remarked,  "  This  is  indeed 

A  battle  fierce  and  great ; 
I  now  repent  me  that  I  went 

Not  in,  to  remonstrate." 
Then  taking  to  his  road  again. 

He  moved,  repenting  still, 
And  turned  not  back  to  enter  in. 

But  slowly  climbed  the  hill. 

Not  many  minutes  later  on. 

Behold,  another  man 
Was  passing  by,  and  heard  the  war 

That  through  the  building  ran  ; 
And  lo  !  the  tumult  that  arose 

Was  like  the  clamor  high 
When  Michael's  host  and  Satan's  horde 

Did  mingle  in  the  sky. 

And  while  he  paused,  he  heard  the  stroke 

The  active  husband  sped  ; 
And  heard  the  fall  of  rolling-pin 

Upon  the  husband's  head. 
And  he  communed  thus  with  himself, — 

For  he  loved  ways  of  peace, 
Delighting  not  in  heavy  strokes. 

But  thinking  war  should  cease: 


TO    THE    RESCUE.  51 

Said  he,  "  A  family  jar,  no  doubt, 

Now  falls  upon  mine  ear ; 
And  I  should  promptly  enter  in 

The  house,  to  interfere ; 
Or  soon,  perchance,  a  murder  will 

Be  done  beneath  this  roof; 
And  I  appear  like  one  to  blame, 

Because  I  stood  aloof. 
Or  passed  along  upon  my  way 

And  took  no  noble  stand, 
Nor  raised  my  voice  the  war  to  stay, 

Nor  caught  a  lifted  hand." 

So  then  the  traveler  left  the  street 

And  bravely  entered  in, 
Through  porch  and  hall,  and  gained  the  room 

Where  rose  the  fearful  din ; 
And  on  the  husband  laying  hold. 

He  cried,  ''  Why  do  ye  go 
Beyond  the  brute  that  roots  the  sod 

In  this  contention  low, 
And  neither  spare  the  sex,  nor  kin, 

Which  you  are  bound  to  do  ? 
Now  use  no  more  your  ready  hand 

Or  you  the  act  may  rue  ! " 

Then  said  the  husband,  turning  round, 

''  Why,  is  she  not  mine  own  ? 
My  flesh  of  flesh,  as  we  are  told, 

And  also  bone  of  bone  ? 
And  who  are  you  that  here  comes  in 

At  me  to  rail  and  scout, 
6 


82  TWO   TO    ONE. 

When  I,  by  neither  word  nor  line, 

Sent  invitation  out  ? 
Do  I  not  answer  for  the  rent  ? 

And  all  the  taxes  pay  ? 
And  say  to  whom  I  will,  '  Come  in,* 

Or,  'Stand  without,'  I  pray?" 


Then  also  did  that  warring  wife 

Now  rest  her  rolling-pin. 
And  thus  addressed  the  stranger  too, 

*'  Aye  !  wherefore  came  ye  in  ? 
Come,  let  us  beat  him  soundly  here. 

And  throw  him  down  the  stairs, 
And  teach  him  not  to  interfere 

With  other  folks'  affairs." 


So  hands  they  laid  upon  the  wretch 

While  edging  for  the  door, 
And  beat  him  freely  out  of  shape,- 

And  dragged  him  round  the  floor. 
The  wife  would  hold  him  down  awhile 

The  husband's  blows  to  bide  ; 
And  then  the  husband  held  him  till 

The  wife  her  weapon  plied. 


They  rent  the  garments  from  his  back. 
And  from  his  scalp  the  hair ; 

And  from  his  face  in  handfuls  plucked 
The  whiskers  long  and  fair  ; 


RETREATING    IN    DISORDER.  S^ 

And  there,  contrary  to  the  laws, 

And  to  his  wish  to  boot, 
He  swallowed  teeth  that  in  his  jaws 

In  youth  had  taken  root. 


At  last,  uniting  at  the  task, 
They  hauled  him  to  the  door 

And  sent  him  howling  home  in  pain ; 
A  man  both  lame  and  sore. 


THE   STRANGER    WHO    WENT    IN. 


Who  showed  the  greatest  wisdom  here, 
The  one  who  heard  the  fray 

And  went  not  in,  but  later  stood 
Repenting  in  the  way  ? 


84  MIND    YOUR    OWN    BUSINESS. 

Or  he,  who  turning  from  his  path 
Went  in  to  stay  the  rout, 

And  after  wished,  with  all  his  heart, 
That  he  had  stayed  without  ? 


The  observations  of  a  life 

Prove,  eight  times  out  of  nine, 

They  best  can  meddle  with  a  strife 
Who  bear  official  sign. 

But  notwithstanding  all  the  facts 

This  lesson  has  laid  bare ; 
Of  reaping  good  for  noble  acts 

We  never  should  despair. 
Not  here  below  reward  we'll  know, 

But  virtue  still  prevails  ; 
And  valor,  love,  and  rightful  deeds, 

Will  count  upon  the  scales. 


THE  ROD  OF  CORRECTION. 


TT  Is  not  often  that  a  poor  fellow  like  myself 
can  have  a  good  laugh  at  the  expense  of  a 
high  dignitary.  To-day,  however,  an  opportu- 
nity presented  itself,  and  happily  I  was  in  the 
right  humor  to  appreciate  it.  Passing  along  a 
narrow  street  I  saw  an  old  Irish  woman  unmer- 
cifully beating  her  boy  with  a  rod,  which,  if 
it  had  not  been  divested  of  twigs  and  leaves, 
would  have  served  as  a  Christmas  tree  for  a 
good-sized  family.  This  of  itself  was  nothing  to 
make  one  smile,  and  perhaps  no  person  would 
more  readily  endorse  such  a  sentiment  than  the 
boy  himself.     But  the  end  was  not  yet. 

It  appears  that  while  on  his  way  from  the 
grocery,  with  a  pitcher  of  beer  for  his  mother, 
the  little  fellow  tripped- up  and  spilled  nearly  the 
whole  contents  in  the  street.  This  was  some- 
thing that  Temperance  folk  might  well  rejoice 
over,  but  it  was  a  serious  matter  for  the  boy. 

8s 


S6  AN    UNFORTUNATE    BOY. 

The  old  woman,  with  parched  lips  was  standing 
at  the  gate,  impatiently  awaiting  her  youngster's 
return.  She  saw  him  emerge  from  the  store, 
pitcher  in  hand.  Her  quick  eye  caught  sight  of 
the  light  foam  rising  in  airy  bubbles  above  the 
brim,  and  she  knew  the  grocer  had  sent  her  no 
stinted  measure.  In  fancy  she  was  already 
quenching  her  thirst  with  copious  draughts  of 
the  cooling  drink — when  she  saw  the  boy  mea- 
suring his  length  upon  the  planks.  Worst,  and 
most  lamentable  of  all,  she  saw  the  delectable 
beverage  coursing  down  the  sidewalk  in  a  dozen 
foaming  streams.  Her  rage  knew  no  bounds. 
The  moment  the  boy  put  his  foot  inside  the  gate, 
she  seized  him  with  the  grip  of  a  virago,  and 
belabored  him  with  the  cudgel  till  he  roared.  So 
great  was  the  outcry  that  every  window  in  the 
vicinity  was  immediately  crammed  with  heads. 
Taught  by  the  lessons  of  my  youth  that  he  who 
meddles  in  other  people's  affairs  often  treads 
upon  his  own  corns,  I  maintained  a  wise  silence ; 
but  I  mentally  prayed  that  the  wrath  of  the  old 
fury  would  be  appeased,  for  the  cries  and  wild 
antics  of  the  little  wretch  began  to  grow  monoto- 
nous. 


ILL-TIMED    COUNSEL. 


87 


There  chanced  at  that  moment  to  be  passing 
an  eminent  minister  who  weekly  fills  his  fash- 
ionable, spacious  church  with  a  glittering  con- 
gregation. He  saw  the  woman  was  in  a 
towering  passion,  and  he  ventured  to  remark : 


A   REAR    ATTACK. 


"  My  good  woman,  the  rod  of  correction  should 
never  become  the  weapon  of  passion."  The 
remark,  which  seemed  good  and  to  the  point, 
caused  her  temporarily  to  suspend  hostilities ; 
but  she  still  retained  her  hold  on  the  collar,  as 
she   turned   around    sharply   to    ascertain   who 


SS  WOMANLY    INDIGNATION. 

dared  criticise  her  method  of  training  up  a 
child  in  the  way  he  should  go. 

For  a  minute  she  glared  upon  the  clergyman 
wath  flashing  eyes,  as  if  astonished  at  his  inter- 
ference. Surveying  him  from  the  soles  of  his 
boots  to  the  very  crown  swirl  of  his  silk  hat, 
she  drew  herself  up  to  her  full  height,  and,  in 
the  most  indignant  voice,  shouted  :  "  Away  wid 
yer  cotations,  you  ould  sermon  thief!  It's  not 
from  the  likes  of  yees  I  learn  me  juty  !  " 

The  clergyman  was  nonplussed  ;  he  quailed 
before  the  fiery  eyes  and  sarcastic  tongue  of 
the  old  vixen ;  and  I  fancied  his  face  lit  up  with 
joy  when  he  discovered  that  he  was  nigh  a 
corner,  around  which  he  quickly  disappeared. 


GONE  FROM  HIS  GAZE. 


J. 


HERE  was  a  little  man, 
And  he  had  a  little  dog ; 
And  he  said :  "  Little  dog,  you  must  stay,  stay,  stay, 
Playing  here  by  the  house, 
As  peaceful  as  a  mouse. 
And  never  hoist  your  tail  and  away,  'way,  'way — 
And  never  hoist  your  tail  and  away." 

Then  said  this  little  pup. 

At  its  master  looking  up  : 
"  I  know,  little  master,  you  are  cute,  cute,  cute; 

But  if  you  will  allow 

Such  a  question,  tell  me,  now, 
What  the  dickens  do  you  want  with  a  brute,  brute,  brute  ? 
What  the  dickens  do ^ou  want  with  a  brute?" 

Then  the  little  man  did  stare. 

And  up  rose  his  little  hair ; 
And  his  cheeks  with  fear  grew  pale,  pale,  pale, 

As  he  said  :  "  I  do  propose, 

Soon  as  you  have  found  your  nose, 
To  kill  by  the  dozen  little  quail,  quail,  quail — 
To  kill  by  the  dozen  little  quail." 

At  this  the  puppy  grinned, 
Like  a  mischief-making  fiend, 
As  he  whined  :  "You  cannot  come  it  upon  me,  me,  me. 

89 


90 


DISOBEDIENCE    PUNISHED. 


You  would  have  me  lie  around 
In  a  back-yard,  like  a  hound, 

And  become  a  paradise  for  the  flea,  flea,  flea — 

And  become  a  paradise  for  the  flea." 

When  the  toil  of  day  had  flown, 

Little  man,  with  little  bone, 
Went  out  where  the  little  dog  ought  to  be,  be,  be; 

He  whistled,  and  he  called. 

He  patted,  and  he  bawled. 
But  nary  little  dog  could  he  see,  see,  see — 
But  nary  little  dog  could  he  see. 

Next  day  he  chanced  to  stop 

By  a  sausage  maker's  shop. 
And  something  that  he  saw  made  him  holler,  holler, 
holler ; 

For  there  in  the  street, 

All  bloody,  at  his  feet, 
Lay  his  poor  little  dog's  leather  collar,  collar,  collar- 
Lay  his  poor  little  dog's  leather  collar. 


ST.  PATRICK'S  DAY. 


PRIN  go  bragh  !    St.  Patrick's   day  is  upon 

^      us,    and    the    city    seems    wrapped    in    a 

''mantle  of  green,"  so  numerous  are  the  Irish 

flags  flying  in  the  breeze. 

From  hovel  roof,  and  church  of  size 
Alike,  the  harp  and  sun-burst  flies ! 

The  ear  of  morn  is  stunned  with  the  bray  of 
at  least  a  dozen  blatant  bands,  as  they  discourse 
Old  Erin's  soul-stirring  airs.  It  is  an  easy  matter 
for  a  person  to  imagine  himself  sitting  by  some 
sheeling  door  in  "County  Kerry"  instead  of 
this  great  American  city  by  the  sea.  The 
Ancient  Order  of  Hibernians  and  the  Fenians 
are  out  in  full  force,  with  clean-boiled  shirts 
and  soap-washed  faces.  Marshals  charge 
around  upon  their  caparisoned  steeds  like  real 
heroes,  and  sitting  gracefully  as  a  sack  of 
potatoes  upon  the  back  of  a  spavined  mule 
trotting  over  a  corduroy  road.     Evidently  some 

91 


92  KEEPING    ST.    PATRICKS    DAY. 

of  them  have  never  before  bent  over  ahything 

that  came  nigher  to  an  equine  than  a  saw  horse. 

It  is  plain 

Those  who  always  rode,  now  ride  the  more, 
And  those  now  ride  who  never  rode  before. 

Well,  they  love  the  country  that  gave  them 
birth,  and  that  is  a  virtue  that  is  certainly  com- 
mendable,— a  natural  excellence  often  wanting 
in  other  nationalities.  Besides,  celebrating  the 
old  gentleman's  birthday  makes  business  lively 
with  the  stable  men  and  the  shoemakers,  and 
that  of  itself  is  a  good  reason  why  the  demon- 
stration should  be  encouraged.  It  is  hardly 
probable  that  any  of  the  great  powers  will  be 
materially  weakened  by  these  loyal  manifesta- 
tions. 

Here  is  a  sketch  of  a  spirited  member  of  the 
**  Ancient  Order  of  Hibernians,"  as  he  appeared 
passing  my  window  in  the  morning,  full  of  life 
and  loyalty,  tripping  the  asphaltum  pavement 
lightly  as  though  traversing  the  springy  surface 
of  his  native  bogs.  And  following  is  another 
sketch  of  the  same  individual  in  the  evening, 
when  full  of  oaths  and  whiskey,  lying  in  the 
gutter  with  all  that  ease  and  abandon  which 


A    PART   OF   THE   CELEBRATION.  93 

characterizes    the    Celtic    race,   wherever   dis- 
persed, In  every  land  and  In  every  age. 

The  different  races  of  men  have  their  different 
weaknesses.     It  may  seem  an  extravagant  state- 


IN  THE   MORNING. 


ment,  but  I  venture  to  say  If  there  had  been  no 
rice  plant  In  the  world,  the  Chinese  would  not 
have  cared  to  live.  I  will  even  go  further  and 
say  perhaps  there  would  have  been  no  Mon- 
golian race.     And  now  the  thought  occurs  to 


94 


THE    END    OF   THE    CELEBRATION. 


me,  this  deficiency  in  the  human  family  would 
not  have  been  such  a  terrible  thing  after  all. 
True,  we  should  have  been  obliged  to  get 
along  with  catnip  tea  instead  of  Souchong, 
which  would  have  been  pretty  heavy  on  old 
women.  We  also  would  have  been  obliged  to 
worry  through   without   old    Confucius,  which 


IN  THE   EVENING. 


might  have  made  some  confusion  in  meta- 
physics or  political  morality.  But  as  the  latter 
could  hardly  be  worse  than  it  is  at  present  with 
all  his  teachings,  we  possibly  might  have  man- 
aged to  exist  very  well  without  the  moon-eyed 
philosopher. 


A    SPY-GLASS   WITHOUT   THE    GLASS.  95 

The  Teuton  dotes  on  his  well-seasoned 
bologna.  The  grizzly  Emperor  William  I, 
standing  upon  an  eminence  near  Rezonville, 
overlooking  the  battle-field,  with  a  spy-glass  in 
one  hand  and  a  large  bologna  sausage  in  the 
other,  furnished  indeed  a  striking  sketch  for  the 
special  artist  of  the  occasion.  The  humor  of 
the  situation  came  in  when  the  Emperor,  for- 
getting himself  in  the  excitement  of  the  moment, 
raised  the  sausage  to  his  eye  instead  of  the 
spy-glass,  and  because  he  failed  to  see  the 
squadron  of  Uhlans — that  a  moment  before 
were  charging  upon  a  battery — concluded  they 
were  blown  to  smithereens,  and  losing  his 
usual  equanimity,  commenced  to  swear  fear- 
fully, and  order  up  another  division  to  take 
their  place.  There  was  a  broad  and  sarcastic 
humor  couched  in  the  remark  of  the  officer  at 
his  side,  who  observed  the  mistake,  and  ventured 
the  suggestion,  "If  your  Majesty  will  take 
another  bite  from  the  sausage,  perhaps  you 
will  be  able  to  see  through  it." 

And  then,  there  is  the  jovial,  careless,  free- 
hearted, yet  quarrelsome  Irishman,  who  thinks 
a  new  Jerusalem  without  a  litde  whiskey  still  in 


96  A   SPECIMEN    HIBERNIAN. 

one  corner  of  it, — "  over  beyant  the  throne,  and 
forninst  the  back  dure,"  for  instance — would  be 
just  no  Paradise  at  all.  I  believe  there  is  not  a 
race  of  men  on  the  face  of  the  earth — from 
Behring  Straits  to  Terra  del  Fuego,  round  and 
about,  over  and  under,  or  down  either  quarter 
— that  can  extract  the  same  genuine  soul-satis- 
fying bliss  from  a  flattened  nose  or  swelled  lip, 
that  a  real,  Irrepressible,  County  Kerry  Irishman 
can.  Let  him  have  that,  and  a  good  stiff  horn 
of  whiskey  to  keep  the  blood  running  freely,  and 
my  advice  to  you  is,  keep  upon  the  other  side 
of  the  street,  if  you  intend  to  sit  for  your  picture 
that  afternoon,  or  visit  your  sweetheart  that 
evening,  or  expect  to  take  up  the  collection 
during  divine  worship  the  next  Sunday.  At 
such  a  time  he  is  no  respecter  of  persons,  this 
set-up  Irishman. 

You  may  be  the  Rector  of  the  finest  cathedral 
in  the  place,  the  mayor  of  the  city,  the  judge  of 
the  supreme  court,  or  even  the  governor  of  the 
state,  and  should  your  hat  chance  to  blow  off 
and  roll  In  front  of  him, — though  it  should  cost 
him  a  fall  upon  the  pavement, — that  man  will 
kick  It.     I  tell  you  he  will  kick  it,  and  soundly 


CONTENTMENT    IN    LOW    LIFE.  97 

too.  He  will  make  no  mincing  about  it,  but  go 
for  it,  as  he  would  for  his  neighbor's  pig,  should 
he  find  it  in  his  garden  of  cabbages.  At  such 
he  IS  full  of  words  also,  and  can  bestow  upon 
the  stone  that  trips  him  up  the  same  flow  of 
abuse  that  he  can  shower  upon  the  man  who 
assists  him  to  his  feet. 


THE  CONTENTED  FROG. 


The  frog  that  once  in  Selby's  dam 

Its  weird  music  shed, 
Now  lies  as  mute  as  stranded  clam — 

Because  that  frog  is  dead. 
So  sleeps  the  plague  of  former  days, 

So  noisy  nights  are  o'er, 
And  he  now  on  the  pond  decays 

Who  long  cried,  "  Sleep  no  more  !" 

A  frog  upon  a  log  one  day 

In  meditation  sat, 
And  gazed  upon  his  pond,  that  lay 

Still  as  a  tanner's  vat. 

7 


o8  IN    MEDITATIVE    MOOD. 

No  fish  swam  in  his  fetid  lake, 

No  current  seaward  run  ; 
But  hemmed  by  grasses,  weed,  and  brake, 

It  mantled  in  the  sun. 


IN    MEDITATION. 


At  length  from  revery  he  woke. 
And  thus  to  free  his  mind. 

He  in  the  gutt'ral  jargon  spoke 
Peculiar  to  his  kind : — 


NO    PLACE    LIKE    HOME.  99 

"  Give  me  my  slimy  pool,"  quoth  he, 
"  Before  a  river  wide, 
Where  cranes  are  found,  still  wading  round. 
And  hungry  fishes  glide. 

'"  Here  light  first  dawn'd,  here  was  I  spawn'd. 
And  here  I  make  my  home — 
Those  longest  live  who're  not  inclined 
In  foreign  parts  to  roam. 

"  Upon  this  log,  or  stone,  I  sit. 
The  water-fly  to  view. 
Or  watch  the  glossy  whirligig 
Describe  his  circles  true. 

*'  How  foolish  are  some  pollywogs ; 
Before  they've  lost  their  tails 
They  often  class  themselves  with  frogs. 
And  leave  their  native  swales  ; 

"  And  while  exploring  down  some  ditch. 
Beneath  a  scorching  ray, 
Upon  a  sandy  bar  they  hitch. 
And  bake  as  dry  as  hay. 

"  Had  they  but  waited  till  the  tail 
Had  from  their  body  dropp'd — 
And  in  its  stead  four  legs  shot  forth — 
Away  they  might  have  hopp'd." 

Thus  while  he  sat  above  the  pool, 
Commenting  on  his  lot, 


too  A    HIDING    PLACE. 

He  heard  a  truant  boy  from  school 
Come  whistling  to  the  spot. 

*'  Ah  ha !  "  quoth  he,  "  I  hear,  I  see 
An  ancient  foe  of  mine ; 
He  stones  will  throw,  that  well  I  know^ 
And  straight  ones  I  divine. 

*'  The  sparrow  on  the  picket  fence. 
The  squirrel  on  the  limb. 
The  swallow  flying  overhead. 
Alike  look  out  for  him. 

*'  There  are  some  hands  I  scarcely  fear. 
So  ill  a  stone  they  guide ; 
But  when  Bob  Stevenson  is  near 
'Tis  meet  that  I  should  hide." 

So,  prompted  by  the  fearful  thought, 

He  leaped  in  with  a  thud. 
And  diving  to  the  bottom,  sought 

Concealment  in  the  mud. 

Now  burrow,  burrow,  little  frog, 

As  you  will  trouble  find ; 
Think  not  because  your  eyes  are  shut 

That  every  one  is  blind. 

Then  burrow  deeper,  deeper  far, 
Leave  not  one  claw  in  view ; 

Or,  swifter  than  a  falling  star, 
A  stone  will  cleave  you  through. 


DANGER   THREATENED. 


lOI 


"  While  here,"  said  he,  "  I'm  safe  enough, 
And  here  I'll  peaceful  lie 
Until  that  little  whistling  rough 
Has  passed  the  water  by." 


BOB  S   ATTACK. 


But,  ah  !  while  he  did  reckon  that 
The  host  was  not  around, — 

The  youngster  saw  him  quit  the  log, 
And  soon  a  stone  was  found. 

He  stood  beside  the  circling  pond. 
And  gazed  a  while  below — 

The  tell-tale  mud  the  frog  disturbed 
Rose  from  the  bottom  slow. 


I02 


ALAS  !    POOR   FROG. 


But,  ah  !  for  childhood's  searching  eyes  ! 

What  can  escape  their  darts  ? 
Projecting  from  the  mud  he  spies 

The  croaker's  hinder  parts. 

"  Ho  !  ho  !  "  then  laughed  this  cruel  boy, 

As  downward  he  did  stare, 
"  If  you  from  trouble  would  be  free 

Of  every  part  take  care." 

Then  down  he  sent  the  ready  stone, 
Nor  went  it  down  in  vain — 

Dead  as  the  missile  that  was  thrown, 
The  frog  came  up  again. 

Along  the  river's  ferny  banks 
The  frogs  still  chant  their  lays 

While  floating  on  his  native  pool 
That  stone-killed  frog  decays. 


ALL  FOOLS'    DAY. 


THIS  Is  ''all  fools'  day,"  and  judging  by  the 
number  of  people  who  are  passing  along 
the  sidewalk  with  strings  and  rags  dangling 
from  their  coat  tails,  the  custom  of  making 
people  appear  ridiculous  is  not  obsolete.  What 
delight  the  youngsters  take  in  covering  a  few 
bricks  with  an  old  hat,  and  leaving  It  tempt- 
ingly upon  the  sidewalk,  while  they  w-Ithdraw 
into  some  nook  to  watch  the  bait  and  halloo  at 


103 


I04 


COSTLY    KICKS. 


the  person  who  is  thoughtless  enough  to  kick 
it. 

Though  the  custom  has  age  to  sanction  it,  I 
am    decidedly    opposed    to    making    people — 


either* on  the  first  of  April  or  upon  any  other 
day — appear  ridiculous  in  their  own  eyes  as 
well  as  in  the  eyes  of  every  person  with  whom 
they  come  in  contact.     People  will  make  fools 


BARRIERS  TO  SUCCESS.  I05 

of  themselves  often  enough,  without  the  assist- 
ance of  others.  I  wonder  why  men  are  not 
more  upon  their  guard  upon  this  day.  Just 
now  I  saw  a  newspaper  reporter,  who  certainly 
should  have  known  better,  kick  an  old  hat  from 
his  way,  and  go  limping  to  the  office,  denounc- 
ing everybody  in  general,  but  children  in  par- 
ticular. Speaking  of  reporters  calls  to  mind 
something  that  I  have  often  thought.  I  believe 
if  I  had  been  endowed  with  more  cheek  and 
less  scruples  about  over-stepping  the  line  of 
veracity,  I  long  before  this  would  have  made 
my  mark  in  the  world  as  a  newspaper  scribbler. 
My  unconquerable  modesty  always  rose  up 
like  a  barrier  between  me  and  reportorial  fame. 
It  would  never  allow  me  to  dip  into  trivial, 
baseless  rumors,  and  magnify  them  into  scan- 
dalous reports.  My  pride,  too,  was  a  clog  that 
blocked  the  wheel  of  progress.  I  could  never 
throw  it  aside  long  enough  to  intrude  myself 
uninvited  at  select  gatherings,  or  creep  and 
crouch  under  a  window  sill  or  behind  a  door, 
like  a  base  eavesdropper,  to  hear  words  that 
were  not  intended  for  the  public  ear,  in  order 
to  work  up  a  stirring   article.     But  for   these 


Io6  A    STARTLING   STORY. 

drawbacks,  I  cannot  help  thinking  I  would  have 
done  well  at  the  business,  because,  by  a  singu- 
lar decree  of  fate,  I  am  generally  present  when- 
ever any  strange  or  amusing  incident  transpires, 
or  even  when  scenes  of  a  serious  nature  furnish 
work  for  the  pen,  and  many  a  time,  too,  when 
I  could  well  wish  myself  suddenly  removed  far 
enough  from  the  distressing  scene  before  me. 

This  afternoon,  for  example,  a  terrible  assault 
was  perpetrated  in  the  back  yard  of  the  house 
adjoining  the  one  in  which  I  reside. 

There  is  no  use  talking,  I  will  have  to  get  up 
and  bundle  out  of  this  locality,  before  long.  It 
is  becoming  too  rough  a  quarter  for  me.  Its 
poisonous  air  would  tarnish  the  brightest  repu- 
tation that  ever  shone  upon  a  forehead. 

-  With  my  usual  luck,  I  happened  to  witness 
the  affair.  Thus  far  I  have  kept  it  to  myself,  as 
I  have  no  desire  to  figure  in  a  court  of  justice 
in  any  such  scrape.  Some  people,  perhaps, 
would  rush  forward  and  volunteer  their  testi- 
mony, but  I  am  not  of  that  turn  of  mind,  and 
calculate  to  keep  my  mouth  shut  until  it  is  pried 
open  by  a  legal  bar.  I  have  been  looking  over 
the  evening  papers,  but  they  make  no  mention 


LUCK   IN    A    HORSE-SHOE.  IO7 

of  the  case,  so  perhaps  the  authorities  are  keep^ 
ing  the  matter  quiet,  fearing  that  by  giving  it 
publicity  they  would  defeat  the  ends  of  justice. 
With  this  thought  in  mind,  and  to  help  them 
along  in  their  efforts,  it  being  "  all  fools'  day," 
also,  I  will  say  no  more  about  it. 


FINDING  A  HORSE-SHOE. 


T  TPON  this  day,  and  at  this  time,  while  the 
^^  fire  burneth  in  the  grate  and  the  warm 
drink  steameth  in  the  bowl,  I  speak  as  with  the 
tongue  of  a  scribe  of  the  olden  time,  and  this 
is  the  burden  of  my  speech  : — 

A  certain  man,  a  citizen  of  this  place,  as  he 
journeyed  to  his  home,  that  looketh  toward  the 
mountain  which  is  called  Lone — and  at  the  base 
of  which  the  dead  are  entombed — found  an 
horse-shoe  in  the  way.  And  he  was  exceeding 
pleased  because  of  his  luck,  insomuch  that  he 


Io8  A    PARLOR    ORNAMENT. 

rubbed  his  hands  together  joyfully,  and  said 
within  himself:  ''How  blessed  am  I  in  finding 
this  shoe  in  the  way.  This  bodeth  good  to  me 
and  mine  household,  because  it  pointeth  in  the 
way  that  I  am  going,  and  it  would  show  a  lack 
of  understanding  in  me  should  I  not  pick  it  up." 
So  he  placed  it  carefully  in  the  pouch  that  was 
sewed  in  the  hind  part  of  his  garment,  which  is 
called  the  tail,  and  hastened  on  towards  his 
home  ;  and  as  he  went  his  countenance  was 
bright  to  look  upon.  And  it  came  to  pass  when 
he  had  arrived  at  his  house,  and  was  entered  in 
at  the  door,  he  said  unto  himself — for  he  was 
an  eccentric  man,  and  his  ways  were  not  as  the 
ways  of  sensible  people — "  Now  will  I  make  all 
haste  and  fasten  this  shoe  above  my  parlor 
door,  that  it  may  continually  bring  good  towards 
my  house,  for  my  grandmother  hath  often  said 
there  lieth  a  charm  for  eood  in  the  horse-shoe 
that  is  picked  up  by  the  way."  So  reaching 
forth  his  hand,  he  took  a  hammer  and  a  nail — 
such  a  nail  as  builders  use  when  they  would 
have  their  work  outlast  themselves — and  step- 
ping upon  a  chair,  essayed  to  transfix  the  shoe 
to  the  casing  above  the  door. 


AN    INOPPORTUNE    INTERRUPTION.  IO9 

Now  It  chanced  that  this  man  had  a  wife,  a 


THE    HORSE-SHDE    CHARM. 


woman  who  was  not  eccentric,  neither  had  she 


no  THE   WIFE    OBJECTS. 

patience  to  spare  on  those  people  who  had  ec- 
centric ways  ;  and  as  she  was  at  work  In  the 
kitchen — for  upon  the  whole  sea-coast  there 
was  not  found  a  more  industrious  or  tidy  woman 
— she  heard  the  sound  of  the  hammer  proceed- 
ing from  the  room  which  was  her  pride  ;  and 
she  made  haste  and  dropped  the  dough  that  she 
was  kneading  for  the  oven,  and  looking  out  into 
the  apartment,  she  beheld  her  husband  standing 
upon  the  chair  attempting  to  transfix  the  horse- 
shoe above  the  door.  And  she  was  exceeding 
displeased  because  of  his  action,  and  of  his  pro- 
voking eccentricity,  and  she  remonstrated  with 
him  mildly,  saying : 

'*  Souls  of  the  Innocents  !  is  this  a  barn  ?  or  a 
blacksmith's  shop  ?  or  are  ye  gone  stark,  star- 
ing mad  ?  or  has  old  age  benumbed  your  senses 
beyond  all  hope  ?  that  thus  you  would  establish 
the  unsightly  object  above  the  door,  to  be  a  jest 
for  visitors  and  a  shame  unto  us  ?" 

But  the  good  man  of  the  house,  looking 
down  reprovingly  from  the  eminence  upon 
which  he  was  ivow  set  up — beingf  nettled  be- 
cause she  had   likened  him    to    a   man    stark, 


WHAT    A    FALL    WAS    THERE."  I  I  I 


Staring  mad  —  answered  the  woman  sharply, 
after  this  manner,  saying  : — 

"  Go  delve  Into  thy  dough,  o/d  woman  !  Did 
ye  never  have  a  grandmother?  or  Is  thy  memory 
as  short  as  thy  wind  ?  Know  ye  not  I  fix  It 
here  that  It  may  bring  good  unto  our  house,  as 
hath  been  said  of  It  In  the  olden  time  ?  "  So 
he  left  off  speaking  with  his  wife,  but  turned 
him  about  and  once  more  essayed  to  establish 
the  shoe  above  the  door.  For  his  mind  was 
firm  on  that  point,  that  he  would  nail  It  there, 
that  It  might  bring  good  unto  his  house. 

Then  waxed  the  woman  exceedingly  wroth 
— for  she  was  of  the  house  of  O'Donohue, 
whose  temper  caused  him  to  be  cast  Into  prison, 
because  he  smote  the  anointed  priest  within  the 
chapel — and  bending  her  body,  she  laid  hold  of 
the  rounds  of  the  chair  upon  which  her  husband 
was  bullded  up,  and  pulled  It  suddenly  from 
beneath  him  while  he  did  reach  to  drive  the 
spike,  and  behold,  he  came  down  quickly,  and 
lay  along  the  floor  like  a  cedar  felled. 

And  It  so  happened,  as  the  woman  attempted 
to  pass  out  by  the  door  which  led  out  Into  the 


112  A    SURGEON    WANTED. 

kitchen,  lo !  a  hammer  followed  after,  and  over- 
took the  woman,  and  lodged  upon  her  back, 
even  between  the  two  shoulder  blades,  and 
caused  her  to  cry  out  with  a  marvelous  loud 
cry ;  but  turning  herself  around  while  yet  the 
cry  was  proceeding  from  her  mouth,  she  lifted 
the  hammer  from  the  floor  and  cast  it  from  her, 
even  at  the  countenance  of  her  rising  husband. 
Now  it  came  to  pass  when  the  good  man  of  the 
house  looked  upon  the  weapon  as  it  left  the 
hand  of  his  wife,  and  saw  that  it  was  drawing 
nigh  unto  his  head,  swift  as  a  javelin  hurled 
from  a  Trojan's  arm,  he  said  within  himself, 
"As  my  name  is  Bartholomew,  my  hour  is 
come."  And  as  he  spoke  he  dived  to  the  floor, 
that  it  might  pass  over  and  work  him  no  harm. 
But  even  while  he  stooped,  the  weapon  caught 
upon  his  scalp  and  peeled  it  backward  to  the 
very  nape. 

Then  went  the  woman  out  into  the  kitchen, 
and  when  her  husband  was  risen  from  the  floor, 
he  ran  out  into  the  streets  seeking  where  he 
might  find  a  surgeon ;  and  as  he  ran  the  people 
stood  and  looked  after,  and  communed  one 
with  another,   saying :    "  Surely  this   man  hath 


MODOC    MANNERS. 


113 


escaped  from  the  Modocs ! "  But  he  was 
sorely  troubled  because  of  his  scalp,  so  he 
heeded  not  the  people,  neither  loitered  he  by 


REPAIRS    NEEDED. 


the    way    to    enlighten    them    concerning    the 
wound ;  but  when  he  had  entered  In  at  a  sur- 
geon's door  he  entreated  him  to  make  all  haste 
8 


114  ^    SORE-HEADED    HUSBAND. 

and  bind  up  his  wounds,  that  he  might  become 
whole  again. 

And  when  the  surgeon  drew  nigh  and  looked 
upon  the  wound  he  was  exceedingly  aston- 
ished, and  he  cried,  "  Of  what  tribe  was  the 
savage  that  hath  done  this?" 

But  the  injured  man  answered  him  sorrow- 
fully, saying,  "  Nay,  but  my  wife  hath  done  this 
thing!"  and  bowing  his  head  between  his  knees 
he  wept  bitterly,  even  as  David  wept  when  he 
learned  that  Absalom  had  perished  in  the 
boughs  of  the  great  oak.  And  when  the  sur- 
geon had  poured  oil  upon  the  wound,  and 
sewed  it  together — even  as  a  housewife  seweth 
the  rent  in  a  garment — and  spread  plasters 
upon  his  head  in  divers  ways,  he  arose  and 
journeyed  to  the  Hall  of  Justice,  which  is  by 
the  Plaza,  and  entered  a  complaint  against  the 
woman. 

And  it  came  to  pass  when  the  magistrates 
and  the  wise  men  of  the  place  heard  his  com- 
plaint, they  looked  upon  him  as  a  person 
altogether  given  over  to  falsehoods,  and  they 
questioned  him,  saying:  *' How  may  we  know 
if  ye  indeed  speak  the  truth  in  our  ears."    And 


ORDER    FOR   ARREST  I  I  5 

removing  the  bandage  from  his  head,  with  which 
the  surgeon  had  wrapped  it  round,  he  answered 
and  spake  unto  them,  saying :  "  Ye  ask  for 
proof,  and  behold  !  I  give  it  you  !  "  And  when 
they  drew  nigh  and  looked  upon  his  head  they 
saw  that  it  was  covered  over  with  plasters,  inso- 
much that  it  resembled  a  bolt  of  linen  fresh 
from  the  loom,  and  they  were  sore  displeased 
because  of  the  assault.  So  they  called  together 
four  men,  the  chosen  officers  of  the  force,  and 
commanded  them  to  arrest  the  woman,  saying: 
*'Take  ye  the  woman  into  custody,  and  lodge 
her  in  prison,  that  on  the  morrow  we  may  sit 
in  judgment  over  her." 

So  these  four  officers,  named  Murry,  the 
brave;  and  Flynn,  styled  the  ''blinker,"  and 
Curran,  and  Flaherty, — surnamed  the  ''beat" 
— armed  themselves  with  pistols,  and  clubs,  and 
knives,  and  went  forth  to  arrest  the  woman. 
And  a  great  crowd  followed  after,  for  they  said 
among  themselves,  "  Surely  some  murder  hath 
been  done."  So  when  they  had  come  nigh  to 
the  house  they  laid  plans  how  they  might  sur- 
round it ;  and  this  was  the  manner  of  their 
approach    toward   the    house.      Murry  on    the 


Il6  THE    OFFICERS   OUTWITTED. 

east  side;  and  Flynn,  styled  the  "blinker,"  on 
the  west  side  ;  and  Curran  on  the  north  side  ; 
and  Flaherty,  surnamed  the  "beat"  on  the 
south  side.  So  they  did  compass  the  house 
about  and  enter  it ;  and  this  was  the  manner 
of  their  entrance.  One  by  the  front  door,  and 
one  by  the  back  door,  and  one  by  the  window 
that  looked  out  at  the  west  side  of  the  house, 
and  one  by  the  window  that  looked  out  at  the 
east  side  of  the  house ;  and  they  did  converge 
and  meet  in  the  centre.  And  they  found  the 
hammer  and  the  blood  thereon ;  and  the  horse- 
shoe and  the  nail  sticking  therein ;  but  they 
found  not  the  woman.  And  they  searched  the 
house,  beginning  at  the  cellar,  and  ascending 
even  up  to  the  loft,  but  be  it  known  unto  you, 
the  woman  had  fled,  and  her  whereabouts 
remaineth  a  secret  to  this  day. 


AN  EVENING  WITH  SCIENTISTS. 


HTHIS  evening  I  accepted  an  Invitation  from 
a  member  of  the  Academy  of  Science  to 
attend  a  regular  meeting.  I  started  out  almost 
under  protest,  thinking  It  would  prove  a  very 
dry  entertainment.  It  had  been  said  that  at 
their  meetings  they  conversed  only  about  fossils 
or  strata,  or  grew  warm  while  arguing  some 
point  about  the  Azoic  or  Silurian  age,  that 
period  before  the  DInotherlum  or  even  the 
Mastodon  ran  bellowing  across  the  flinty  earth. 
I  was  agreeably  disappointed,  however.  For 
I  found  It  not  only  instructive,  but  amusing 
to  others  than  scientists.  The  President  an- 
nounced to  the  Academy  that  a  feathered 
mouse  had  been  sent  by  an  unknown  friend 
from  a  distant  town.  A  vote  of  thanks  was 
then  tendered  the  donor.  The  feathered  mouse, 
however,  proved  to  be  a  cruel  fraud,  for  a  sub- 
sequent examination  revealed  the  painful  fact 

117 


Il8  A    REMARKABLE    HOG. 

that  the  feathers  were  stuck  to  the  skin  by  some 
adhesive  substance.  The  vote  of  thanks  was 
then  rescinded,  and  the  feathered  mouse  was 
informally  introduced  to  the  office  cat. 

A  communication  was  then  read  from  a  man  in 
the  interior.  He  informed  the  Academy  that  he 
had  in  his  possession  a  large  sow,  which,  when 
quite  a  small  pig,  had  been  severely  bitten  by  a 
black  dog,  which  made  a  lasting  impression  upon 
her.  In  after  years  if  any  of  her  litter  were  black 
she  singled  them  out,  and  devoured  them  with 
as  little  remorse  as  an  old  woman  would  a  dish 
of  stir-about.  The  sow  had  that  day  died  from 
the  effects  of  eating  a  tarantula,  and  he  offered 
to  donate  her  to  the  Academy,  providing  they 
would  bear  the  cost  of  transporting  her  to  the 
city.  By  a  unanimous  vote  the  communication 
was  laid  under  the  table. 

Quite  a  discussion  then  took  place  as  to 
whether  pigs  really  do  see  the  wind,  and  if  so, 
why? 

A  member  then  presented  the  Academy  with 
a  new  species  of  snail,  or  slug,  which  he  found 
in  the  mountains,  and  which  had  but  one  horn. 
He  proposed  having  it  called  a  ''  unicorn  snail." 


THE    ADMIRING    PRESIDENT. 


119 


Quite  a  controversy  followed.  Several  mem- 
bers maintained  that  the  snail  imprudendy  left 
its  horns  out  over  night,  and  one,  getting  nipped 
by    the    frost,    dropped    off.     This    proposidon 


THE  PRESIDENT   OF  THE   ACADEMY. 


angered  the  generous  donor,  and  reaching  forth 
a  hand  trembling  with  emodon,  he  lifted  the 
snail  from  the  palm  of  the  admiring  President, 
and  laid  it  down  gently  upon  the  floor — as  a 
mother  might  deposit  an  infant  in  the  cradle — 


I20  SAD    FATE    OF   A    SNAIL. 

and  while  the  Academy  stood  spell-bound,  before 
a  tongue  could  be  loosened  from  the  roof  of  a 
mouth,  or  a  hand  stretched  to  save,  he  planted 
the  sole  of  a  number  eleven  boot  upon  the 
crowning  back  of  the  little  gasteropod,  and 
when  he  lifted  his  foot  again,  all  that  was  visible 
of  the  one-horned  snail  was  a  little  grease  spot 
upon  the  floor,  the  size  of  an  average  rain  drop. 
This  inhuman  act  seemed  to  throw  a  gloom  over 
the  Academy. 

No  further  business  appearing,  the  meeting 
adjourned. 


OUR  TABLE  GIRL. 


"  O,  those  girls  ! 
Naughty,  laughing,  beautiful  girls." — Old  Song. 

T  COMMENCED  boarding  in  a  new  place 
A  to-day,  and  am  completely  smitten  by  the 
charming  table  girl — 

Oh,  she  is  young  and  bright  and  fair. 
With  midnight  eyes  and  inky  hair, 


APPEASING    HUNGER.  121 

Which  unconfined,  without  a  check, 
Falls  round  a  plump  and  snowy  neck. 
Oh,  sweet  she  bends  above  my  chair 
Like  Juno,  when  old  Jove's  her  care, 
And  as  she  stoops  to  hear  me  speak. 
Soft  falls  her  breath  upon  my  cheek, 
And  I  forget  (true  as  I  live) 
The  order  that  I  fain  would  give. 
Before  her  dark  and  earnest  eyes 
My  appetite  distracted  flies, 
And  though  I  hungry  sit  me  down, 
I  rise  full  as  a  country  clown 
Who  by  a  picnic  table  stands, 
And  shovels  in  with  both  his  hands. 
'Tis  true,  at  times  the  humble  board 
Does  but  a  scant  repast  afford  ; 
At  times  we  grumble  at  the  bread. 
Or  at  the  butter  shake  the  head ; 
And  oft  the  whisper  circles  round 
About  the  mystery  profound. 
That  may  within  the  hash  repose. 
And  any  fateful  stir  disclose. 
But  still  we  linger,  still  we  stay. 
And  hope  for  better  things  each  day ; 
Thus  proving  that  one  winning  face 
Can  keep  from  bankruptcy  the  place. 


AN  OLD  WOMAN  IN  PERIL. 


YESTERDAY,  while  in  the  back  country,  I 
saw  an  old  woman  in  what  would  have 
been  a  very  laughable  predicament,  had  it  not 
been  a  very  pitiable  one. 

An  unusually  large  vulture  had  for  some 
time  been  soaring  in  the  neighborhood,  occa- 
sionally scraping  acquaintance  with  one  of  the 
fat  ewes  grazing  in  the  valley.  Several  of  the 
farmers  had  felt  the  vexation  of  seeing  him 
perched  upon  a  lofty  eminence  and  making  the 
wool  fly  from  some  favorite  Cotswold.  They 
were  justly  enraged,  and  resolved  to  put  a  stop 
to  his  depredations. 

They  accordingly  posted  themselves  nigh 
their  flocks,  and  with  guns  heavily  charged, 
awaited  the  advent  of  the  rapacious  bird.  But 
he  was  no  booby,  and  though  his  gizzard  could 
diofest  a  o^ood-sized  rib  or  hoof  with  all  the  ease 
of  a  Ballyshannon  woman  making  away  with  a 


PICKING   UP   A    LIVING.  I23 

mealy  potato,  yet  he  hadn't  the  least  inclination 
to  test  its  grinding  power  upon  a  charge  of 
slugs  or  buckshot. 

For  several  days  thereafter  he  was  known 
in  the  neighborhood  as  a  *'high  flier."  With  a 
pining  maw  he  would  sit  upon  some  heaven- 
kissing  crag,  and  with  drooping  head  watch  the 
fleecy  flocks  grazing  in  the  green  valley  below. 
He  found  it  difficult,  however,  to  cloy  the  hungry 
edge  of  appetite  by  bare  imagination  of  a  feast, 
and,  emboldened  by  want,  began  to  drop  to  a 
lower  level  when  flying  across  the  fields. 

Yesterday,  as  mutton  was  out  of  the  ques- 
tion, he  resolved  to  try  his  beak  upon  some 
tougher  viand,  and  while  in  the  vicinity  of  the 
village,  he  swooped  down  upon  a  little  old 
woman  who  was  gathering  chips  in  front  of 
her  cottage. 

The  poor  old  body  had  not  the  least  warning 
of  the  vulture's  approach.  As  she  stooped  in 
the  act  of  picking  fuel  enough  to  cook  her 
evening  meal  he  dropped  upon  her  like  an 
arrow. 

Fastening  his  powerful  talons  in  the  strong 
material  of  her  loose-fitting  garments,  he  spread 


124  AN   OLD    LADY   ELEVATED. 

abroad  his  mighty  wings  and  began  to  haul  her 


THE   OLD    lady's    ASCENT. 


heavenward.     The   astonishment,  anxiety  and 


MYSTERIOUS    FLIGHT.  I  25 

Indescribable  antics  of  the  poor  old  lady  when 
she  found  herself  slowly  but  surely  leaving 
terra  fir  ma  by  an  unknown  agency  were  Indeed 
terrible  to  witness. 

She  knew  not  whether  it  was  a  gold-tinseled 
angel,  or  an  Iron-rusted  demon,  that  was  thus, 
In  open  day,  and  while  she  was  yet  in  the  flesh, 
unceremoniously  translating  her  to  some  re- 
mote planet ;  she  had  no  means  of  discover- 
ing; she  was  only  certain  she  was  going — 
that  her  direction  was  onward  and  upward. 
Her  favorite  hollyhock  tickled  her  nose  as  she 
swept  over  her  little  garden,  and  the  clothes- 
line, that  for  a  moment  seemed  to  baffle  the 
vulture's  flight,  was  now  stretching  beneath. 

She  deployed  her  feet,  regardless  of  appear- 
ances, first  to  the  right,  then  to  the  left,  above 
and  below,  vainly  endeavoring  to  come  In  con- 
tact with  something  that  would  give  her  an  ink- 
ling of  what  was  responsible  for  this  mysterious 
movement.  There  was  a  vague  uncertainty 
about  the  whole  proceeding  well  calculated  to 
alarm  her.  Even  though  she  succeeded  in 
shaking  herself  loose,  her  fall  would  now  be 
fearful,  and  each   moment  was  adding    to    the 


126  OBSTINACY    OF   THE   VULTURE. 

danger.  What  could  I  do  ?  I  was  powerless  to 
save.  I  had  no  gun,  and  even  if  I  had  there 
would  have  been  some  grave  doubts  In  my 
mind  as  to  the  propriety  of  firing,  as  I  generally 
shoot  low,  and  such  an  error  in  my  aim  could 
hardly  have  proved  otherwise  than  disastrous. 

There  was  no  use  striving  to  make  the  bird 
loosen  his  hold  by  hooting.  If  there  had  been 
any  virtue  in  that  sort  of  demonstration  the  old 
woman  would  hardly  have  been  raised  above 
the  eaves  of  her  shanty,  for  she  was  screaming 
in  a  manner  that  would  have  made  a  Modoc 
blush.  The  only  thing  that  suggested  itself, 
and  that  rather  hurriedly,  was  to  get  out  my 
pencil  and  paper  and  take  a  sketch  as  she  ap- 
peared passing  over  her  cottage  in  the  vulture's 
talons. 

The  blood,  which  at  first  forsook  her  cheeks 
through  fear,  was  almost  instantly  forced  back 
into  her  visage  again  by  the  pendant  position  of 
her  head. 

She  beat  the  empty  tin  pan  which  she  still 
retained  in  her  hand,  but  the  voracious  and 
hunger-pinched  vulture  had  no  notion  of  relin- 
quishing his  hold  on  account  of  noise.     On  the 


A    LUCKY    ACCIDENT.  1 27 

contrary,  he  seemed  to  enjoy  it,  and  with  many 
a  sturdy  twitch  and  flap,  and  many  an  airy 
wheel,  he  still  held  his  way  toward  a  rugged 
promontory  situated  at  the  head  of  the  valley. 
Fortunately,  when  he  was  twenty  feet  from  the 
ground  and  about  eighty  rods  from  the  cottage, 
the  calico  dress  and  undergarments  in  which 
mainly  his  talons  were  fastened,  gave  out,  and 
the  liberated  woman  dropped  on  hands  and 
knees  in  the  muddy  bed  of  the  creek,  over  which 
the  bird  was  passing  at  the  time. 

While  hovering  over  her,  about  to  pounce 
down  upon  her  and  try  the  elevating  business 
again,  a  sheep-herder  who  had  seen  the  bird  ap- 
proaching the  cottage,  gave  him  a  dose  of  buck- 
shot, which  broke  one  wing  and  left  him  at  the 
mercy  of  his  captor. 


FOR  BETTER  OR  FOR  WORSE. 


Jonathan. — "  I  hain't  got  no  tongue  for  soapin'  of  ye,  Susan 
Jane.     I  mean  business,  I  do.     Will  ye  hev  me  ?" 

Susan  Jane. — "  I  don't  know  much  about  ye,  Jonathan  Junkit, 
but  I'm  willin'  to  risk  it,  anyhow.    Yer's  my  hand.  I'm  yourn." 

Old  Volume. 

nPHIS  afternoon  I  attended  a  private  wedding 
on  Howard  Street.  I  may  safely  term  it 
"marriage  in  high  Hfe,"  as  the  combined  height 
of  the  couple  was  something  over  twelve  feet. 

The  groom  was  a  bachelor,  who  for  many  a 
year  had  stood  around  the  fire  like  the  half  of 
a  tongs,  very  good  as  a  poker,  but  not  worth 
standing  room  as  a  picker  up. 

He  looked  as  though  it  wouldn't  require 
much  advice  to  make  him — even  at  the  eleventh 
hour — prove  recreant  to  his  vows,  and  back  out 
from  under  the  yoke  the  reverend  gentleman 
was  about  to  place  upon  his  neck. 

His  companion,  however,  was  no  novice  in 
the  business  in  which   she  was  engaged.     She 

128 


UNITED    THEY    STAND. 


129 


was  fearlessly  putting  forth  upon  that  sea  on 
which  she  had  twice  been  wrecked,  but  she  was 
nothing  loth  to  try  it  again.  Were  she  only 
skilled  in  navigation  as  well  as  in  embarkation, 


THE    TRYING    MOMENT. 


she  would  have  been  the  one  to  send  on  expe- 
ditions to  either  the  North  or  South  Pole,  as  the 
case  might  be. 

It  was  truly  encouraging  to  the  timorous  and 

9 


130  A   BEAMING    BRIDE. 

uninitiated,  to  see  with  what  a  broad  smile  she 
regarded  her  husband  that  was  to  be  ;  and  with 
what  a  readiness  she  responded  to  the  momen- 
tous question  propounded  by  the  minister. 
And  when  they  stood  as  husband  and  wife,  her 
Milesian  face  lighted  up  with  irrepressible  joy, 
until  it  beamed  like  a  Chinese  lantern. 

Her  emotions  went  far  to  convince  me  that 
there  is  in  those  matrimonial  fields  a  balm  for 
every  ill  ;  a  perfect  bliss  worthy  the  seeking, 
even  at  the  risk  of  receiving  the  bruised  spirit, 
if  not  the  brilised  head. 


^->^^|^^-x 


ODE  ON  A  BUMBLE-BEE. 


>  H,  busy,  breezy- 
bumble-bee, 

A  fitting  theme 
in  you  I  see  ! 

At  once   you 
backward 
turn  my  gaze 
To  orchard,  mead,  and  pasture  days. 
To  watch  your  movements  to  and  fro 
With  wondering  eyes,  as  years  ago. 
Come,  let  me  set  my  mark  on  thee. 
As  thou  hast  oft  remembered  me, 
When  with  a  seeming  special  zeal 
You  hastened  to  affix  your  seal. 
I've  heard  your  gruff  good-morrow  ring 
When  meeting  kinsfolk  on  the  wing ; 
Now  coming  zig-zag,  light  and  airy, 
Now  going  laden,  straight  and  wary  ; 
Still  mindful  of  the  spider's  snare 
And  kingbird,  pirate  of  the  air. 


131 


132 


INCIDENTS   OF    BEE    LIFE. 


I've  seen  you  upward  turn  your  eye, 
When  clouds  began  to  fleck  the  sky, 
The  winds  to  chafe  the  village  pond, 
And  thunder  rumble  far  beyond 
And  threaten  storm,  ere  you  could  fill 
Your  honey  sack,  so  empty  still. 
I've  heard  you  whining  forth  your  grief 
When  rain  commenced  to  pelt  the  leaf. 


And  made  you  take  the  shortest  road 

That  brought  you  to  your  dark  abode. 

I've  marked  your  grumbling  when  you  found 

The  working  bee  had  been  around ; 

Had  left  his  bed  and  waxen  door 

And  reached  the  field  an  hour  before  ; 


BATTLING    BEES.  I33 

For  still,  with  early  bird,  or  bee, 
Or  man,  the  maxim  does  agree 
They  all  must  be  content  to  find 
What  early  risers  leave  behind. 
Against  the  bell  I've  heard  you  storm. 
Because  it  kept  your  burly  form 
From  passing  in  the  honeyed  way, 
That  open  to  the  emmet  lay. 
Thus  human  folk  are  oft  denied 
What,  in  their  judgment,  or  their  pride. 
They  should  enjoy,  though  kept  instead 
For  meaner  things  that  creep  ahead. 
I  know  how  apt  you  are  to  cling 
To  locks  of  hair,  to  hide  and  sing. 
And  keep  the  victim  still  in  doubt 
Just  where  the  mischief  will  break  out; 
I  know  full  well  your  angry  tone. 
And  how  you  stab  to  find  the  bone ; 
With  what  a  brave,  heroic  breast 
Ye  strike  for  queen  and  treasure  chest, 
Like  Sparta's  sons,  at  duty's  call, 
Compelled  to  win,  or  fighting  fall ; 
Not  fearing  odds,  nor  counting  twice, 
Ye  fix  your  bayonet  in  a  trice. 
And  charge  upon  the  nearest  foe. 
And  break  the  ranks  where'er  you  go. 
For  not  the  stroke  of  halberdier 
Nor  thrust  of  Macedonian  spear 
Can  check  your  onset  when  you  fly 
With  full  intent  to  do  or  die  ! 
Beneath  your  straight  and  rapid  dart 
The  foe  will  tumble,  turn,  depart. 


134  BOYS   AND    BEES. 

And  leave  you  victor,  to  report 

Your  doings  at  the  Queen  Bee's  court. 

And  proudly  may  you  bare  your  brow, 

In  presence  of  your  sovereign  bow, 

And  tell  her  why  you  came  so  late, 

Thus  panting,  to  the  palace  gate ; 

And  show  your  limbs  of  wax  bereft. 

Your  right  arm  crushed,  and  sprained  the  left, 

Your  twisted  horn,  exhausted  sting, 

Your  wounded  scalp  and  tattered  wing. 

But  how,  in  spite  of  every  ill. 

You  struck  for  independence  still, 

Until  the  acre  lot  was  free 

Of  all  that  would  molest  the  bee. 


'Tis  said  that  youngsters  have  a  knack 
To  take  you  prisoner  by  the  back; 
To  catch  you  by  the  wings,  in  haste, 
A  piece  above  the  belted  waist. 
And  hold  you  thus,  to  struggle  there, 
And  use  your  sting  on  empty  air. 
But  once  I  tried,  and  once  I  missed. 
For  you're  a  great  contortionist, 
And  somehow  turn,  and  manage  still 
To  plant  your  poison  where  you  will. 
Ah,  they  are  wise,  who  meddling  cease, 
And  let  you  go  your  way  in  peace ! 


Though  many  things  may  slip  my  mind 
Before  the  narrow  bed  I  find. 


ANOTHER    FROM    DUDLEY. 

In  fancy's  field  I'd  often  see 
The  busy,  burly  bumble-bee. 


13-5 


DUDLEY  AND  THE  GREASED  PIG. 


D  OIL-STRICKEN  Job  had  his  comforters, 
^^  who,  despite  his  timely  injunction,  ''  Oh, 
lay  your  hands  upon  youf  mouths,  and  thereby 
show  your  wisdom,"  would  still  drum  in  his  ear, 
"  Hear  us,  for  we  will  speak."  Poor  old  Fal- 
staff  had  his  evil  genius  in  Bardolph,  his  impe- 
cunious follower,  with  his  *'  Lend  me  a  shilling." 


136  JIM    GETS    INTERESTED. 

And  I  have  my  burdensome  "  Jim  Dudley," 
with  his  "  Let  me  tell  you  a  story."  I  was  kept 
awake  last  night  listening  to  his  crazy  yarn 
about  the  "  greased  pig,"  as  if  I  cared  anything 
about  his  villainous  adventures. 

"  Oh,  yes,  that  scrape  with  the  greased  pig  ? 
I  never  told  you  about  it,  eh  ?  It's  worth  heerin', 
for  that  was  a  tearin'  old  race,  and  I  came  mi'ty 
nigh  gettin'  shoved  out  of  the  village  on  account 
of  it,  too,  now,  I  can  tell  ye.  Down  on  me? 
Wall,  I  reckon  you'd  think  so  if  you  heered  the 
hollerin'  that  was  orwine  on  for  awhile  arter  that 
race,  some  cryin'  one  thin'  and  some  another. 
'  Tar  and  feather  the  cheat,'  one  would  holler. 

'' '  Lynch  the  blamed  humbug  !'  another  would 
shout. 

"  '  Put  him  in  a  sack  and  h'ist  him  over  the 
bridge  !'  would  come  from  another  quarter. 

*'A  doctor  was  never  so  down  on  a  patent 
medicine  as  they  were  on  me  arter  that  race, 
especially  Parson  Coolridge,  who  was  one  of 
the  principal  sufferers,  yer  see. 

"  It  was  May  Day  amongst  'em,  and  the  hull 
village  seemed  to  be  out  thar  enjoyin'  'em- 
selves.     They  had  sack  races  and  wheelbarrow 


A  GREASED  POLE  AND  A  GREASED  PIG.   1 37 

races.  That  was  the  day  blindfold  Tom  Moody 
ran  the  wheelbarrow  through  the  grocer's  win- 
dow, and  Old  Shulkin  knocked  him  down  with 
a  ham,  and  a  dog  ran  away  with  it.  He  charged 
Tom  with  the  ham  in  the  bill,  along  with  the 
broken  winder. 

"  They  had  a  greased  pole  standin'  thar  with 
a  ten-dollar  greenback  tacked  on  top  of  it,  but 
no  person  could  get  within  ten  feet  of  the  bill. 
The  hungry  crowds  were  standin'  around  all 
day  gazin'  longin'ly  up  at  the  flutterin'  green- 
back, like  dogs  at  a  coon  in  a  tree  top. 

''  I  didn't  try  the  pole,  but  when  they  brought 
out  the  greased  pig — a  great,  slab-sided  critter, 
jest  in  good  condition  for  racin', — I  got  sort  o' 
interested  in  the  performance.  His  tail  was 
more'n  a  foot  long,  and  it  was  greased  until  it 
would  slip  through  a  feller's  fingers  like  a  newly 
caught  eel. 

*'  Several  of  the  boys  started  arter  him,  but 
they'd  jest  make  one  catch,  and  before  they 
were  certain  whether  they  had  hold  of  it,  they 
would  go  one  way  and  the  hog  would  go  an- 
other.    And  then  the  crowd  would  holler. 

"  I  was  standin'  thar  a  leanin'  over  the  fence 


13^  THINKS    he'll   try    A    CATCH. 

watchin'  of  'em  for  some  time,  and  I  see  the  pig 
was  in  the  habit  of  formin'  a  sort  of  ring  with 
his  tail ;  leastwise  he'd  lap  it  over  so  that  it 
e'enmost  formed  a  knot — all  it  lacked  was  the 
end  wanted  drawin'  through.  I  cal'lated  that  a 
feller  with  pooty  nimble  fingers  could  make  a 
tie  by  jest  slippin'  his  fingers  through  the  ring 
and  haulin'  the  end  of  the  tail  through.  That 
would  make  a  plaguey  good  knot,  and  prevent 
his  hand  from  slippin'  off  Arter  thinkin'  over 
it  for  some  time  I  concluded  if  I  could  git  up  a 
bet  that  would  pay  for  the  hardships  that  a  feller 
would  be  likely  to  experience,  I  would  try  a 
catch  anyhow. 

"So  I  ses  to  Jake  Swasey,  who  stood  along- 
side of  me,  '  Jake,  I  believe  that  I  kin  hold  that 
pig  until  he  gins  out' 

'*'Hold?'  he  ses,  surprised  like  and  raisin' 
his  eyebrows  just  that  way  ;  '  what's  the  matter 
of  ye?  hain't  ye  slept  well?  Ye  mout  as  well 
try  to  hold  old  Nick  by  the  tail  as  that  big, 
slab-sided  critter.' 

"  '  Wal,  now,  jest  wait  a  bit,'  ses  I ;  so  I  went 
on  and  told  him  what  I  cal'lated  to  do,  and  arter 
he  looked  awhile,  he  ses,  '  Wal,  go  ahead,  Jim, 


THE    MONEY    GOING    UP.  1^9 

ril  back  ye.  I  reckon  we  can  git  any  amount 
of  odds  so  long  as  we  keep  the  knot  bus'ness 
to  ourselves.' 

''  So  pullin'  off  my  coat  I  gin  it  to  Jake  to 
hold,  and  jumpin'  on  the  fence,  I  hollered,  '  I'll 
bet  ten  to  twenty  that  I  kin  freeze  to  the  pig's 
tail  till  he  gins  out  !' 

"  Great  fish-hooks  !  you  ought  to  have  seen 
'em  a-rustlin'  towards  me.  I  couldn't  see  any- 
thin'  but  hands  for  five  minutes,  as  they  were 
holdin'  of  'em  up,  and  signalin',  an'  a-hollerin', 
*  I'll  take  that  bet,  Dudley,  I'll  take  that  bet ! ' 
I  got  rid  of  what  money  I  had  about  me  pooty 
soon,  and  Jake  Swasey  was  jest  a-spreadin'  out 
his  greenbacks  like  a  paymaster,  and  arter  he 
exhausted  his  treasury  he  started  arter  his 
sister  to  git  what  money  she  had.  I  hollered 
to  him  to  come  back — I  was  fearin'  he'd  tell 
her  about  the  knot  bus'ness  ;  but  he  wasn't  no 
fool  and  knowed  too  well  what  o-als  are  to  trust 
her  with  any  payin'  secret. 

"  Old  Judge  Perkins  was  thar,  jolly  as  a  boy 
on  the  last  day  of  school.  Wal,  he  was  holdin' 
of  the  stakes,  and  his  pockets  were  crammed 
chockfull    of    greenbacks.      He   was   a   pooty 


140 


SLIPPERY    FOUNDATIONS. 


good  friend  of  mine,  and  couldn't  conceive 
how  in  thunder  I  was  a-gwine  to  get  my 
money  back. 

"  Beckonin'  of  me  one  side — '  Dudley,'  ses 
he,  kind  of  low  that  way,  and  confidentially  like, 
*I  know  you're  as  hard  to  catch  as  an  old  trout 


JUDGK   PERKINS. 


with  three  broken  hooks  in  its  gill  ;  but  1  t;an't 
help  thinkin'  a  greased  pig's-tail  is  a  mi'ty 
slippery  foundation  to  build  hopes  on.' 


THE    MYSTIC    TIE.  I41 

"  *  Never  mind,  Judge/  ses  I,  winkin',  '  I  can 
see  my  way  through.' 

"  'Yes,  Dudley,'  he  ses,  a-shakin'  of  his  head 
dubious  like,  '  that's  what  the  fly  ses  when  he's 
a-buttin'  his  head  against  the  winder.' 

'^'Wal,'  ses  I,  'without  the  tail  pulls  out,  I 
cal'late  to  travel  mi'ty  close  in  the  wake  of  that 
swine  for  the  next  half-hour ; '  and  with  that  I 
moved  off  to  where  the  pig  was  standin'  and 
listenin'  to  all  that  was  gwine  on. 

''  I  fooled  round  him  a  little  until  I  got  be- 
twixt him  and  the  crowd,  and  when  he  flopped 
his  tail  over  as  I  was  tellin'  ye,  I  made  one 
desperate  lunge,  and  made  a  go  of  it  the  fust 
time.  I  jest  hauled  the  end  through  while  he 
was  turnin'  round,  and  grabbin'  hold  above  my 
hand,  rolled  it  down  into  the  tightest  knot  you 
ever  sot  eyes  on.  It  was  about  two  inches 
from  the  end  of  the  tail,  and  he  scolloped 
around  so  amazin'  lively  nobody  could  see  it. 
The  crowd  allowed  I  was  hangin'  on  the  straight 
tail,  and  they  didn't  know  what  to  make  of  the 
performance  anyhow. 

'' '  Go  it,  piggy,'  I  ses  to  myself,  just  that 
way,  '  I  guess  it's  only  a  question  of  endurance 


142  THE    hog's    stratagem. 

now,    as    the   gal    said  when    she   had   the   flea 
under  the  hot  flatiron.' 

"The  gate  was  open,  and  arter  a  few  circles 
around  the  lot,  the  hog  p'inted  for  it,  and  away 
he  went,  pig  fust  and  I  arter.  He  ran  helter- 
skelter  under  old  Mother  Sheehan,  the  fruit 
woman,  jest  as  she  was  comin'  through  the 
gateway  with  a  big  basket  of  apples  on  each 
arm.  1  did  hate  like  snakes  to  hoist  the  old 
lady,  bounce  me  if  I  didn't!  I  would  ruther 
have  run  around  a  mountain  than  do  it,  'cause 
you  see  she  had  jest  been  gittin'  off  a  bed  of 
sickness  that  came  nigh  shroudin'  her,  and  she 
wasn't  prepared  for  a  panic,  by  any  means.  I 
did  my  best  to  swing  the  critter  around  and  git 
him  off  the  notion  of  goin'  through,  but  his 
mind  was  made  up.  Thar  was  plenty  of  room 
outside  for  him  to  pass  along  without  disturbin' 
the  old  lady,  but  a  hog  is  a  hog,  you  know — 
contrary  the  world  over.  Besides,  he  allowed 
he  could  brush  me  off  by  the  operation,  but  I 
wasn't  so  easily  got  rid  of  The  money  was 
up,  you  see,  and  I  had  no  choice  but  to  follow 
where  he  led  and  stick  to  the  rooter  till  he  gin 
out.      'Where   thou    goest,  I  will   go,'   I    ses   to 


THE    OLD    WOMAN    PANIC    STRICKEN.  1 43 

myself,  rememberln'  the  passage  in  the  Scrip- 
tures, and   duckin'  my  head   to   follow  him.     I 


BAD    FOR   THE    FRUIT    BUSINESS. 


scrouched  down  as  low  as  I  could  and  keep  on 
my  feet ;  for  I  cal'lated,  do  my  best,  the  old 
woman  would  git  elevated  pooty  lively. 


144  THE    SUDDEN    CATASTROPHE. 

''  She  hollered  as  though  a  whole  menagerie 
— elephants,  kangaroos,  snakes  and  all — had 
broke  loose.  Her  sight  wasn't  any  too  clear, 
and  the  whole  proceedin's  had  come  upon  her 
so  sudden  that  she  didn't  exactly  know  what 
sort  of  an  animal  was  than  She  would  have 
been  satisfied  it  was  a  hog  if  it  hadn't  taken  so 
long  to  git  through.  I  followed  so  close  to  his 
hams  that  she  reckoned  we  both  made  one 
animal.  The  hog  gin  a  snort  when  he  started 
in  to  run  the  blockade,  and  she  ses  to  herself, 
'  Thar  goes  a  big  hog,'  but  about  the  time  she 
reckoned  he  had  orot  out  on  the  other  side,  I 
come  a  humpin'  and  a  boomin'  along  in  my 
shirt  sleeves,  and  gin  her  a  second  boost, 
throwin'  the  old  woman  completely  off  her 
pins  and  out  of  her  calculations  at  once. 

''She  did  holler  good,  thar's  no  mistake 
about  that. 

''The  crowd  hoorayed  and  applauded.  The 
older  ones  of  course  sympathized  with  the  poor 
old  woman  ;  but  they  could  do  nothin'  more, 
'cause  the  whole  catastrophe  come  as  sudden 
as  an  earthquake  and  nobody  seemed  to  be  to 
blame.     I  wasn't,  and    they  all  could  see  that 


PROSPECTS    GOOD.  1 45 

plain  enough.  The  young  uns  went  for 
the  scattered  apples,  but  the  pig  and  I  kept 
right  on  attendin'  to  business.  Now  and  agin 
he'd  double  back  towards  the  crowd,  and 
they'd  commence  scatterin'  every  which  way, 
trampin'  on  each  other's  feet.  Si  Grope,  the 
cashiered  man-of-wars-man,  stepped  on  Pat 
Cronin's  bunion,  and  he  responded  by  fetchin' 
the  old  salt  a  welt  in  the  burr  of  the  ear,  and  at 
it  they  went,  tooth  and  nail,  right  than  A  few 
stopped  to  see  fair  play,  but  the  heft  of  the 
crowd,  about  three  hundred,  kept  right  on 
arter  me  and  the  hog. 

**Jake  Swasey  managed  to  git  up  pooty  nigh 
to  us  once  and  hollered,  '  How  are  you  makin 
it,  Jim  ?' 

"  '  Fustrate,'  I  answered  ;  *  I  cal'late  to  stick 
to  this  swine  through  bush  and  bramble  till  I 
tire  him  out. ' 

*"  That's  the  feelin','  he  shouted,  and  with 
that  we  left  him  behind.  The  old  judge  was  a 
puffin  and  a  blowin',  strivin'  his  best  to  keep 
up,  and  for  some  time  he  actewally  led  the 
crowd,  but  he  didn't  hold  out  very  long,  but 
gradewelly  sank  to  the  rear. 

lO 


146 


BITING    THE    DIRT. 


"Rod  Munnion,  the  tanner,  stumbled  and 
fell  while  crossin'  the  street.  His  false  teeth 
dropped  out  into  the  dirt,  and  while  he  was 
scramblin'  on  all  fours  to  git  'em  ag'in,  a  feller 
named  Welsh,  who  was  clatterin'  past,  slapped 


BOW-LEGGED    SPINNY. 


his  foot  down  and  bent  the  plate  out  of  all 
shape.  Munnion  snatched  'em  up  agin  as 
quick  as  the  foot  riz,  and  wipin'  'em  on  his 
overalls  as  he  ran,  chucked  'em  back  into  his 
mouth  ag'in,  all  twisted  as  they  were.     They  did 


THE   TAILOR    "  WE TS  "    A    NEW   SUIT.  1 47 

look  awful  though,  stickin'  straight  out  from  his 
mouth,  and  pressin'  his  Hp  chock  up  ag'inst  his 
nose.  You  couldn't  understand  what  he  was 
sayin'  any  more  than  if  he  was  Chinnook. 

''Bow-legged  Spinny,  the  cabbagin'  tailor, 
was  than  He  met  the  crowd  while  carryin' 
home  Squire  Lockwood's  new  suit,  and  catchin' 
the  excitement  of  the  moment,  tossed  the 
package  into  Slawson's  yard,  and  it  bounded 
into  the  well  quicker  than  '  scat.'  He  didn't 
know  it  though,  but  hollered  to  the  old  woman, 
as  he  ran  past  the  window,  to  look  arter  the 
package  until  he  got  back.  Not  seein'  any 
package  she  allowed  he  was  crazy  as  a  cow 
with  her  head  stuck  In  a  barrel,  and  flew  to 
boltin'  of  her  doors  pooty  lively.  He  had  been 
once  to  the  Lunatic  Asylum,  you  see,  and  they 
were  still  suspicious  of  him. 

''The  crowd  thought  to  head  us  off  by  takin' 
down  a  narrow  lane,  and  it  was  while  they  were 
in  that,  that  they  began  to  surge  ahead  of  Judge 
Perkins.  He  was  awful  quick  tempered,  and 
pooty  conceited,  and  when  bow-legged  Spinny 
was  elbowin'  past  him  he  got  mad.  Catching 
the  poor  stitcher  by  the  coat  tail,  he  hollered : 


148  SPINNY    GOES    TO    GRASS. 

*  What !  a  miserable  thread-needle  machine 
claimin'  precedence?'  and  with  that  he  slung 
him  more'n  ten  feet,  landin'  him  on  his  back  in 
a  nook  of  the  fence. 

"That  was  the  day  they  buried  old  Mrs. 
Redpath,  that  the  doctors  disagreed  over.  Dr. 
Looty  had  been  doctorin'  her  for  some  time  for 
bone  disease.  He  said  her  back-bone  war 
decayin'.  He  didn't  make  much  out  of  it 
though,  and  they  got  another  doctor.  The  new 
feller  said  he  understood  the  case  thoroughly ; 
he  ridiculed  the  idea  of  bone  disease,  and  went 
to  work  doctorin'  for  the  liver  complaint.  He 
said  it  had  stopped  workin'  and  he  was  agwine 
to  git  it  started  ag'in.  I  reckon  he'd  have 
accomplished  somethin'  if  she  had  lived  long 
enough,  but  she  died  in  the  meantime.  When 
they  held  a  post-mortem,  they  found  out  the  old 
woman,  some  time  in  her  life,  had  swallered  a 
fish-bone  which  never  passed  her  stomach,  and 
eventually  it  killed  her. 

"'Thar,'  ses  Dr.  Looty,  'what  did  I  tell  ye? 
You'll  admit,  I  reckon,  my  diagnosis  of  the 
disease  was  right  arter  all,  only  I  made  a  slight 
error  in  locatin'  the  bone  ! ' 


A    CASE    OF    MALPRACTICE.  I49 

"  '  Bone  be  splintered  ! '  ses  the  other  feller, 
'hain't  I  bin  workin'  nigher  the  ailin'  part  than 
you  ?  *  So  they  went  on  quackin'  thar  and  dis- 
agreein'  over  her  until  old  Redpath  got  mad  and 
hollered,  'You  old  melonheads,  Isn't  it  enough 
that  I'm  a  widderer  by  your  fumblin'  malpractice, 
without  havin'  ye  wranglin'  over  the  old 
woman  !'  So  he  put  'em  both  out,  and  chucked 
their  knives  and  saws  arter  'em. 

"  But  as  I  was  sayin',  that  was  the  day  of  the 
funeral,  and  while  it  was  proceedin'  from  the 
church  to  the  buryin'  ground  with  Parson  Cool- 
ridge  at  the  head,  with  his  long  white  gown  on, 
we  hove  in  sight  comin'  tearin'  down  to'ards 
the  parsonage.  The  minister  was  a  feller  that 
actewelly  doted  on  flowers.  When  he  wasn't 
copyin'  his  sermons'  he  was  fussin'  around 
among  the  posies.  He  had  his  gardin  chock 
full  of  all  kinds  of  plants  and  shrubs.  Thar 
you  could  see  the  snapdragon  from  Ireland,  the 
fu-chu  from  China,  the  snow-ball  from  Canada, 
the  bachelor's  button  from  Californy,  and  every 
kind  you  could  mention. 

''  He  had  noticed  the  gardin  gate  was  open 
when   the  funeral  passed,   and  it  worried   him 


150         THE    PARSON    BECOMES    INTERESTED. 

considerable.  So  when  he  heered  the  hootin' 
and  hollerin',  and  got  sight  of  the  crowd  surgin' 
down  the  street,  and  see  the  pig  and  I  pointin' 
in  the  direction  of  the  house,  he  couldn't  go 
ahead  nohow. 

"Turnin'  around  to  the  pall  bearers  who  were 
puffing  along  behind  him,  he  ses,  'Ease  your 
hands  a  minit,  boys,  and  let  the  old  woman  rest 
'till  I  run  back  and  see  if  that  Dudley  is  agwine 
to  drive  that  hog  into  my  gardin.  Confound 
him!'  he  contin'ed,  'he's  wuss  to  have  around 
the  neighborhood  than  the  measles.'  With  that 
he  started  back  on  the  run,  his  long,  white  gown 
a-flyin'  away  out  behind,  the  most  comical  lookin' 
thing  you  ever  see.  And  he  could  run,  that 
Parson  Coolridge,  in  a  way  that  was  astonishin'. 
I  reckon  he  hadn't  stirred  out  of  a  walk  before 
for  thirty  years,  and  yit  he  streaked  it  over  the 
ground  as  though  it  was  an  every-day  occurrence. 

"His  j'ints  cracked  and  snapped  with  the 
unusual  motion,  like  an  old  stairs  in  frosty 
weather,  but  he  didn't  mind  that  so  long  as  he 
could  git  over  the  ground.  He  was  thinkin'  of 
his  favorite  plants  and  the  prospect  of  their  git- 
tin'  stirred  up  and  transplanted  in  a  manner  he 


COOLRIDGE    VOWS    VENGEANCE. 


151 


wasn't  prepared  to  approve.  He  did  jerk  back 
his  elbows  pooty  spiteful,  now  I  can  tell  you. 
He  tried  to  make  the  gate- way  fust,  and  put  in 


NIP  AND    TUCK. 


his  best  strides.  But  when  he  saw  he  couldn't, 
he  hollered,  *  Keep  that  hog-  out  of  my  gardin, 
Dudley,  or  I'll  take  the  law  of  ye.' 


152  THE    DEAD     ABANDONED. 

"'Don't  git  wrathy,  Parson  Coolridge,'  I 
shouted.  'I  can't  prevent  the  pig  from  gwine 
in.  I  have  hold  of  the  rudder,  but  I'll  be  boosted 
if  I  can  steer  the  ship.'  With  that,  through  the 
openin'  we  went,  pig  fust  and  me  arter,  and  the 
hul  crowd  a  clatterin'  behind  us.  The  judge 
was  amongst  'em,  but  got  left  in  the  hind  end 
of  it,  where  the  women  were  a-trottin'.  The 
Parson's  flowers  went  down  with  broken  necks 
quicker  than  lightnin'.  It  wasn't  more'n  ten 
seconds  until  they  were  six  inches  under  ground, 
for  the  hog  kept  a  circlin'  around  and  the  hoo- 
rayin'  crowd  follerin'  arter,  payin'  no  more 
attention  to  the  Parson  than  if  he  had  been  a 
young  'un  a-runnin'  around.  When  they  saw 
the  crowd,  the  pall  bearers  and  most  of  the 
people  who  were  jest  follerin'  the  remains 
through  sympathy,  turned  back  on  the  run  and 
left  the  mourners  standin'  thar  by  the  coffin. 

"Oh!  it  was  the  most  excitin'  time  the  village 
ever  seed.  The  ground  was  too  soft  in  the 
gardin  for  the  pig  to  git  around  well,  and  pooty 
soon  he  gin  out.  I  was  awful  tired,  too,  and 
was  hangin'  a  dead  weight  on  him  for  the  last 
ten  minutes. 


THE    PIGS    TAIL    AS    EVIDENCE.  1 53 

"When  the  boys  see  the  knot  on  the  tail  you 
ought  to  hear  'em  a-hollerin',  'Bets  off!  bets 
off!'  They  were  set  on  claimin'  a  foul,  and  sur- 
rounded the  old  judge  demandin'  thar  money. 

"But,  as  the  crowd  was  increasin'  and  the 
Parson  was  e'enmost  crazy,  the  judge  told  'em 
to  come  with  him  to  the  Court-house — he 
wouldn't  decide  nothin'  in  the  gardin.  As  the 
hog  couldn't  walk,  the  judge  took  his  tobacco 
knife  and  cut  the  tail  off  and  took  it  along  with 
him  to  introduce  as  proof.  He  decided  in  my 
favor.  He  said  that  I  had  held  on  to  the  tail 
and  touched  nothin'  else,  and  if  I  managed  to 
tie  a  knot  while  runnin'  I  had  performed  a  feat 
never  before  heard  of  in  the  country,  so  he  paid 
over  the  money. 

"  But  Parson  Coolridge  was  the  most  worked 
up  of  any  of  'em.  He  had  legal  advice  on  the 
matter,  but  the  lawyer  told  him  to  gin  it  up,  for 
the  judge  was  on  my  side.  Besides,  he  shouldn't 
have  left  the  gate  open,  if  he  didn't  want  the 
pig  to  go  in  thar.  Arter  a  while  he  gin  up  the 
nodon  of  suin'  me,  but  while  he  stopped  in  the 
village  he  never  got  over  it. 

"  The  boys  had  pictures   chalked  up   on   the 


154  PICTURING    THE    PARSON. 

fences  and  shop  doors,  so  that  wherever  you'd 
look  you'd  see  sketches  of  the  Parson  runnin' 
back  from  the  funeral,  and  me  a  holdin'  on  to 
the  pig's  tail.      He  paid  out  more'n   ten  dollars 


MORK    LIGHT    ON    THE    SUBJECT, 


in  small  sums  to  one  boy,  hirin'  him  to  go  round 
and  rub  out  the  pictures  wherever  he'd  happen 
to  see  'em.  But  every  time  the  Parson  would 
start  out  through  the  village,  thar  on  some  fence 


JUVENILE    DEPRAVITY.  155 

or  door,  or  side  of  a  bulldin',  would  be  die  same 
strlkin'  picture  of  him,  a  streakin'  it  to  head  off 
the  hog,  so  he  would  start  the  rubbin'-out  boy 
arter  that  one. 

"  One  evenin'  he  happened  to  ketch  that  self- 
same little  rascal  hard  at  work  chalkin'  out  the 
identical  sketch  on  the  cooper's  shop  door,  and 
the  Parson  was  so  bilin'  mad  he  chased  him  all 
over  the  village.  The  young  speculator  had 
bin  carryin'  on  a  lively  business,  but  arter  that 
discovery  thar  was  a  sudden  fallin'  away  in  his 
income.  I  tell  ye  it  made  a  plag'y  stir  thar  for 
awhile,  and  I  reckon  if  Judge  Perkins  hadn't 
been  on  my  side  I'd  have  been  obliged  to  git 
out  of  the  place." 


CORA  LEE. 


\1 70ULD  you  hear  the  story  told 
^^       Of  the  controversy  bold, 
That  this  day  I  did  behold, 

In  a  court  of  low  degree, 
Where  his  Honor  sat  like  fate, 
To  decide  betwixt  the  state 
And  a  wanton  villain's  mate. 
Named  Cora  Lee  ? 

The  bold  chief  of  stars  was  near, 
As  a  witness  to  appear. 
(By  his  order,  Cora  dear 

Was  languishing  below.) 
And  for  counsel  she  had  got 
A  descendant  of  old  Wat — 
Noted  for  his  daring  plot, 

Some  years  ago. 

It  was  he  commenced  the  fuss, 
"  For,"  said  he,  "  by  this  and  thus, 
Here  I  smell  an  animus  * 

As  strong  as  musk  of  yore ; 

*  Private  enmity  towards  the  prisoner. 
156 


**AN    ANIMUS.  157 

And  it's  my  condensed  belief, 
That  in  language  terse  and  brief, 
I  can  trace  it  to  the  chief, 
E'en  to  his  door." 

Then  to  all  it  did  appear 

That  the  chief  was  seized  with  fear ; 

To  the  lawyer  he  drew  near, 

And  to  him  muttered  low  : 
I  could  never  think  that  ye 
Would  be  quite  so  hard  with  me ; 
You  had  better  let  me  be, 

And  travel  slow." 

Then  the  lawyer  quit  his  chair 
As  if  wasps  were  buzzing  there, 
And  with  quite  a  tragic  air, 

Addressed  his  Honor  thus — 
'  At  your  hands  I  claim  protection. 
Keep  your  eyes  in  this  direction, 
Take  cognizance  of  his  action, 

This  aiiimiis  !  " 

Then  arose  the  chief  of  stars, 
And  his  visage  shone  like  Mars, 
When  he  recks  not  battle  scars, 

But  charges  to  the  fray. 
And  his  hand  began  to  glide 
To  his  pocket  deep  and  wide, 
Where  a  weapon  well  supplied 

In  waiting  lay. 


158  THE    BELLIGERENT    CHIEF. 

"  Ho  !"  he  cried,  "  you  shyster  hound, 
If  you  go  on  nosing  round 
Till  an  animus  you've  found, 
My  dear  sir,  hearken  you  : 


^^^^■^ 


THE   CHIEF. 


I  will  open,  by  my  soul ! 
In  your  carcass  such  a  hole, 
You  will  think  a  wagon  pole 
Has  run  you  through. 


COURT    ADJOURNED.  I  59 

'Vou  would  prate  about  the  law? 
You  would  magnify  a  flaw  ? 
Vo7c  would  touch  me  on  the  raw  ? 

So  now,  sir,  say  no  more ! 
Keep  a  padlock  on  your  jaw. 
Not  a  sentence,  or  I'll  draw. 
And  I'll  scatter  you  like  straw 

Around  the  floor  ! " 

Now  the  Judge's  face  grew  red 
As  a  turkey  gobbler's  head 
When  a  scarlet  robe  is  spread 

On  the  lawn  or  fence. 
*I  adjourn  the  court,"  he  cried, 
*  'Till  that  animus  has  died. 
And  is  buried  head  and  hide 

Far  from  hence." 

Then  the  rush  was  for  the  door; 
From  the  corridors  they  pour, — 
Three  old  women  were  run  o'er 

Within  the  justice  hall; 
And  above  the  tramp  and  patter, 
And  the  cursing  and  the  chatter, 
And  the  awful  din  and  clatter. 

Rose  their  squall. 

When  the  open  air  was  gained. 
Then  the  epithets  were  rained. 
And  the  passer's  ear  was  pained 
With  profanity  flung  loose. 


l60  *'THE    COMBAT    DEEPENS." 

Back  and  forth  the  wordy  pair, 
Shameless  swapped  opinions  there ; 
'Till  all  parties  got  their  share 
Of  vile  abuse. 

When  the  man  of  "  briefs  "  would  flee, 
Chieftain  followed  like  a  bee, 
Or  a  shark  a  ship  at  sea 

When  hunger  presses  sore ; 
'Till,  enraged,  the  lawyer,  he 
Cried,  "  If  fight  you  want  of  me. 
Wait  with  patience  minutes  three, 

Not  any  more ; 

"  'Till  I  hasten  up  the  stair 
To  my  office,  and  prepare, 
Like  yourself  for  rip  and  tear, 

And  piling  bodies  dead. 
Then,  if  you  can  blaze  it  faster, 
Carve  designs  for  probe  or  plaster, 
Quicker  work  a  soul's  disaster. 

Just  waltz  ahead." 

But  alas  !  his  hasty  tongue. 
Vulgar  name  or  sentence  flung. 
And  the  chieftain's  pride  was  stung 

Down  to  the  marrow  bone. 
Now  upon  him,  head  and  tail. 
Pitched  policemen,  tooth  and  nail, 
Hot  as  bees  when  they  assail 

A  lazy  drone. 


BEHIND    THE    BARS. 


I6l 


And  upon  the  evening  breeze 
Rose  the  "begorras  "  and  the  ''yees 
Of  a  dozen  Mulroonees, 

As  they  roughly  hale 
The  poor  lawyer  through  the  street, 
Sometimes  lifted  from  his  feet, 
Sometimes  o'er  the  noddle  beat, 

Toward  the  jail. 

Now  upon  a  truss  of  straw. 
Lies  the  counsellor-at-law. 
Wishing  Satan  had  his  paw 

On  wily  Cora  Lee. 
For  himself  to  grief  is  brought. 
While  the  aniimis  he  sought 
Running  is,  as  free  as  thought. 

Or  like  his  fee. 


II 


A  BRILLIANT  FORENSIC  EFFORT. 


TTAVING  learned  that  a  highly-educated  and 
respectable  lady  of  this  city  had  insti- 
tuted a  suit  in  one  of  our  courts  for  the  pur- 
pose of  obtaining  a  divorce  from  her  husband, 
I  stepped  into  the  hall  of  justice  to  learn  how 
the  case  progressed.  The  fact  of  a  young 
wife  demanding  a  separation  in  a  country  like 
this,  which  is  proverbial  for  its  separations,  is 
nothing  to  be  wondered  at,  and  I  was  consider- 
erably  surprised,  on  reaching  the  court  room, 
to  find  it  so  full  of  people  that  I  could  hardly 
gain  admittance.  I  was  not  so  much  astonished 
at  the  great  rush,  however,  when  informed  by 
the  bailiff  that  the  ground  on  which  the  lady 
rested  her  case  was  that  her  husband  snored. 
As  I  entered,  the  plaintiff's  lawyer  commenced 
addressing  the  court.  He  entered  into  the  case 
with  the  spirit  and  fire  of  a  Clay  or  a  Webster. 

After  reviewing  and  commenting  largely  upon 

162 


THE    PERORATION.  1 63 

the  testimony  given  in  the  case,  he  ended  his 

argument  in  the  following  words  : 

''  Now,  sir,  whatever  other  people  may  think 


THE   ADVOCATE. 


164  A    BOLD    ADVOCATE. 

of  this  application,  I  take  a  bold  stand,  regard- 
less whose  corns  or  bunions  I  tread  upon,  so 
long  as  I  put  my  foot  down  where  it  belongs. 
We  have  too  many  snorers  among  us.  They 
are  in  our  places  of  amusement,  introducing 
o-roans  and  thunder  where  none  were  intended 
in  the  play.  We  find  them  in  our  places  of 
worship,  breaking  forth  in  the  midst  of  the 
pastor's  prayer,  or  while  he  is  picturing  to  the 
congregation  the  wreck  of  ages  and  the  crash 
of  worlds.  I  maintain  that  this  application  is  a 
righteous  one  ;  that  it  is  a  shot  in  the  right 
direction,  which  will  in  all  likelihood  eventually 
bring  down  the  game  ;  and  were  I  a  judge 
invested  with  power  to  decide  a  peculiar  case 
of  this  kind,  I  would  show  no  hesitation,  but 
grant  the  plaintiff  her  natural  and  very  reason- 
able request  more  readily  than  if  the  grounds 
on  which  she  sued  for  a  separation  were  drunk- 
enness or  desertion. 

"  The  absurdity  of  an  irascible  wife  seeking 
a  divorce  from  a  husband  because  he  indulges 
too  freely  in  the  flowing  bowl  must  be  apparent 
to  all.  She  rushes  into  the  crowded  court 
room,   and,   figuratively  speaking,  catches    the 


TRIFLING    MATTERS    FOR    DIVORCES.  1 65 

astonished  justice  by  the  ear,  as  Joab  in  the 
extremity  of  his  distress  laid  hold  upon  the 
horns  of  the  altar,  and  requests  him  to  sever 
the  chafing  bonds  with  his  legal  shears.  Again : 
what  a  pitiable  lack  of  discretion  that  woman 
exhibits  who  appeals  to  the  court  merely  be- 
cause her  husband  deserts  her,  leaving  her  to 
pursue  the  even  tenor  of  her  way.  Why,  In 
nine  cases  out  of  ten  this  is  a  '  consummation 
devoutly  to  be  wished ; '  she  is  left  untram- 
meled,  and  has  no  husband  to  support. 

"  I  will  not  allude  to  the  many  other  fallings 
which  wreck  the  home  and  put  out  the  cheerful 
light  of  many  a  hearthstone. 

*'  But,  sir.  It  is  with  no  ordinary  thrill  of  pride 
that  I  espouse  the  cause  of  the  woman  who 
seeks  a  divorce  from  a  snoring  husband.  I  say, 
and  I  may  remark  that  I  say  it  boldly,  that  I 
rejoice  It  was  reserved  for  me  to  raise  my  voice 
in  her  defence.  I  hold  that  a  man  who  with 
malice  aforethought  takes  from  her  peaceful 
home  a  tender  and  confidlnor  maiden  without 
first  informing  her  of  his  trouble,  commits  a 
grave  and  unpardonable  crime.  The  dogs  of 
justice  should  be  loosened  at  his  heels  to  hound 


1 66  DEATH    TO    THE    SNORER. 

him  from  Puget's  Sound  to  Passamaquoddy  Bay. 
He  should  be  made  to  repent  his  villainous  act. 
Think  how  the  tender  nerves  of  a  sensitive 
creature  must  be  shocked  on  being  awakened 
by  such  an  outburst.  Picture  to  yourself  her 
husband,  not  breathing  her  name  in  words  of 
love,  but  lying  flat  on  his  back,  and  snoring  with 
the  vehemence  of  a  stranded  porpoise. 

"  Now,  sir,  I  ask  what  mercy  should  be  shown 
the  monster  who  has  himself  shown  none  ?  He 
has  doomed  a  fair  representative  of  that  sex 
whose  presence  civilizes  ours,  to  an  ever  new 
affliction  and  a  life  of  perpetual  wakefulness. 
What  course  can  she  pursue?  There  are  but 
two  roads.  Which  shall  she  take?  One  leads 
to  the  court  room  and  the  other  leads  to  the 
cemetery.  She  must  either  be  freed  from  her 
husband  or  go  down  to  an  untimely  grave,  per- 
haps to  have  her  place  quickly  filled  by  another 
unsuspecting  victim.  No,  your  Honor  ;  this  man, 
and  I  regret  to  say  It,  this  husband  and  father, 
should  not  be  permitted  to  destroy  the  peace 
and  bright  prospects  of  more  than  one  female. 
Let  it  be  known  to  the  world  that  he  has  ruined 
the  hopes  of  a  loving  wife,  let  it  be  blazoned 


THE    SUFFERER    RELIEVED. 


167 


upon  the  housetops  and  upon  the  fences  that 
he  snores  ;  then  let  him  get  another  mate,  If  he 
can. 

"The  wife  should   not  only  have  a  divorce 
from  the  deceptive  monster,  but  she  should  have 


the  custody  of  the  children.  She  deserves  them 
by  virtue  of  her  long  suffering  and  patience, 
while  he  who  has  so  heartlessly  deceived  her 
cannot  be  competent  to  guide  their  little  feet 
aright  In  the  dangerous  walks  of  life.  On  behalf 
of  this  sorrowing  wife,  all  other  wives,  and  of 


1 68  THE    PRAYER    GRANTED. 

the  wives  yet  to  be,  who  are  ripening  into 
womanhood  around  our  hearths,  I  cry  separa- 
tion !  In  the  name  of  confidence  betrayed,  of 
hopes  blasted,  and  of  a  Hfe  aged  before  its  time, 
I  repeat,  separation  !  separation  !  " 

He  sank  into  his  seat,  and  despite  the  order 
of  the  bailiff  for  "  silence  In  court,"  generous 
applause  swept  throughout  the  room.  The 
judge  took  occasion  to  compliment  the  lawyer 
for  his  able  argument,  and  said  it  was  the 
greatest  forensic  effort  he  had  listened  to  since 
he  assumed  the  responsibilities  of  his  office. 
The  prayer  was  granted  and  the  children 
awarded  to  the  plaintiff. 


VISITING  A  SCHOOL. 


A  CCEPTING  an  invitation  extended  by  the 
^^  principal  of  an  uptown  school,  I  visited 
that  Institution  to-day.  The  masses  of  young 
humanity  a  person  finds  in  these  temples  of  in- 


HEAD    OF    HIS   CLASS. 


structlon  is  something  amazingly  impressive. 
Eight  or  nine  hundred  scholars  are  attending 
the  one  school  on  which  I  bestowed  my  atten- 
tions to-day. 

169 


i7o 


HEAD    AND    TAIL. 


This  article  must  be  embellished  with  a  faith- 
ful sketch  of  the  boy  who  stood  at  the  head  of 
his  class.  How  he  felt  at  that  moment,  I 
couldn't  say,  never  having  any  experience  in 
the  position  myself.  He  looked  happy  and  con- 
fident, however,  and  snapped  eagerly  at  the 
words  as  they  fell  from  the  teacher's  lips,  much 


FOOT  OF   HER   CLASS, 


as  a  hungry  dog  does  at  the  crumbs  falling  from 
a  table.  But  my  sympathies  were  decidedly 
with  the  little  contortionist  who  stood  mourn- 
fully at  the  foot  of  her  class.  I  knew  how  that 
was  myself.  I  had  been  ''  yar,"  and  I  regretted 
I  wasn't  a  ventriloquist,  that  I  might  from  afar 
whisper  in  her  ear,  and  assist  her  over  some 


WOULD  CHOOSE  HER  GAME.        1 71 

clogging  syllables.  If  she  could  have  gone  into 
the  yard,  where  I  noticed  a  scholar  of  the  senior 
class  throwing  herself  in  a  delirium  of  joy, 
brought  about  by  a  skipping-rope,  she  would 
probably  have  acquitted  herself  in  a  creditable 
manner,  and  won  the  praise  of  all,  for  however 
inferior  a  person  may  be  to  another  in  some 
matters,  when  they  can  choose  their  game  they 
often  reverse  the  order,  and  perad venture  the 
poor  stammering  scholar  could  have  skipped 
the  skirts  off  those  jogging  ahead  of  her  in  the 
common  speller. 


THE  REJECTED  SUITOR. 


TVIOT  often  does  a  sadder  sight 

Wake  sympathetic  strain, 
Than  glimpse  of  some  rejected  wight 

Whose  suit  has  proved  in  vain ; 
Who  often  pinched  necessities 

For  bouquets,  sweet  and  rare, 
For  tickets  to  the  carnivai, 

The  opera,  or  fair ; 


172 


ALL    IN    VAIN. 


Whose  pocket  oft  was  visited 

The  candy  box  to  fill ; 
The  dollar  spent  that  should  have  gone 

To  pay  his  laundry  bill. 


A   SUITOR    NON-SUITED. 


Especially  the  case  is  sad, 

If  he  who  seeks  a  wife 
Mas,  step  by  step,  encroached  upon 

The  shady  side  of  life. 


TUMBLING    CASTLES.  I  73 

The  fly  no  darker  prospect  views 

That  in  the  inkstand  peers, 
Than  he,  whose  unrequited  love 

Must  leak  away  in  tears. 
At  such  a  time  how  ill  the  smile 

Becomes  the  rival  face  ; 
The  "ha,  ha,  ha's !"  the  winks  and  nods, 

Seem  sadly  out  of  place. 

And  then  comparisons  are  drawn 

At  the  expense,  no  doubt, 
Of  him  whose  overflowing  cup 

Seems  full  enough  without. 
While  he  who  moves  away,  alas ! 

Of  every  grace  so  free. 
To  criticism  opens  wide 

The  door,  as  all  may  see. 

His  mind  is  not  reflecting  now 

On  fashions,  style,  or  art. 
On  proper  pace,  or  rules  of  grace  ; 

But  on  his  slighted  heart. 
He  now  but  sees  his  promised  joys 

All  foundering  in  his  view, 
His  castles  tumbling  down,  that  high 

In  brighter  moments  grew. 

To  know  that  now  those  ruby  lips 

Another's  mouth  will  press, 
And  now  that  soft  and  soothing  hand 

Another's  brow  caress. — 


174  IS    LIFE   WORTH    LIVING? 

Oh,  dark  before,  and  dark  behind, 
And  full  of  woe  and  pain 

Is  life  to  him,  whose  heavy  loss 
Makes  up  a  rival's  gain. 

The  gravel-walk  beneath  his  feet 

Cannot  too  sudden  ope', 
To  gather  in  the  wretch,  who  mourns 

The  death  of  every  hope. 
The  swallows,  whispering  in  a  row, 

Seem  mocking  at  his  tear. 
And  in  the  cawing  of  the  crow 

He  seems  to  catch  a  sneer  ; 
The  cattle  grazing  in  the  field 

Awhile  their  lunch  delay, 
To  gaze  at  him,  who  moves  along 

In  such  a  listless  way. 

Perhaps  he'll  know  a  thousand  griefs 

Ere  death  has  laid  him  low. 
Perhaps,  beside  an  open  grave, 

He'll  shed  the  tear  of  woe ; 
Perhaps  he'll  turn  him  from  the  sods 

That  hide  a  mother's  face, 
A  father's  smile,  a  brother's  hand, 

Or  sister's  buried  grace ; 
But  there  can  hardly  come  a  time 

When  life  will  look  so  drear, 
Or  can  so  little  reason  show 

Why  he  should  linger  here. 


A  NIGHT  OF  TERROR. 


T  AM  not  the  oldest  inhabitant,  and  don't 
know  what  sort  of  storms  they  used  to 
have  here  before  the  flood ;  but  I'll  wager  a 
corner  lot  against  a  plug  of  tobacco,  that  this 
section,  for  the  last  twenty  years,  has  not 
snoozed  through  a  rougher  night  than  the  one 
just  past. 

It  would  have  been  a  glorious  night  for  a 
revivalist  to  stir  up  the  masses.  Converts 
would  have  crowded  in  like  grists  to  a  mill 
after  harvest.  Since  the  last  great  earthquake 
I  have  not  felt  so  much  concern  about  my 
future  state  as  I  did  about  twelve  o'clock  last 
night.  I  arose  from  bed,  and  went  to  rum- 
maging books,  trying  to  find  the  description 
of  a  storm  that  would  equal  ours.  I  found  the 
tempest  that  Tarn  O'Shanter  faced  the  night  he 
discovered  the  witches,  and  the  one  in  w^hich 
King  Lear  was  cavorting  around,  bare-headed, 

175 


176 


SEARCHING  FOR  PARALLELS. 


and  that  which  made  Caesar  take  an  account 
of  stock  and  turn  to  interpreting  dreams,  and 
jumbled  them  all  together;    but  the  product 


A  ROUSING    EVENT. 


was  unequal  to  the  fury  that  was  raging  with- 
out. There  was  no  more  similarity  than  a 
baby's  ratrie  bears  to  a  Chinese  gong. 


A   NUISANCE    FOR   ONCE   ABATED.  1 77 

Then  I  fished  out  the  storm  that  howled  while 
Macbeth  was  murdering  Duncan,  and  tumbled 
it  In  with  the  others.  This  addition  made  things 
about  even.  The  "  lamentations  heard  I'  the 
air"  of  Macbeth's  tempest  were  a  fair  prece- 
dent of  the  clamorous  uproar  from  the  fire  bell 
In  the  City  Hall  tower.  Only  an  earthquake 
was  lacking  to  enable  us  to  say,  ''  The  earth 
was  feverous,  and  did  shake,"  or  boast  a  night 
outvleing  four  of  the  roughest  on  record,  all 
woven  Into  one. 

It  had  one  good  effect,  however — one  for 
which  poison  and  boot-jacks  have  been  tried 
in  vain:  it  did  silence  the  dogs  and  cats.  Their 
midnight  carousals  were  as  rare  as  they  were  in 
Paris  just  before  the  capitulation.  Quarrelsome 
curs  postponed  the  settlement  of  their  little 
differences  and  defiant  barks  until  such  times 
as  they  would  be  able  to  discover  themselves 
whether  they  barked  or  yawned,  and  cats 
sought  other  places  besides  a  fellow's  window- 
sill  to  express  opinions  about  each  other  or 
chant  their  tales  of  love. 

I  know  the  rain  is  refreshing,  the  wind  puri- 
fying,   the   lightning   grand,    and    the    thunder 


178  OUT   OF   HUMOR. 

awe-inspiring;  but  as  the  poor  land -lubber 
advised,  when  he  was  clinging  to  the  spar  of 
the  wrecked  vessel,  *'  Praise  the  sea,  but  keep 
on  land,"  so  I  say  to  those  people  who  want  to 
prick  up  their  willing  ears,  like  a  war-horse,  to 
catch  the  sublime  rumble  of  heaven's  artillery, 
or  sit  by  their  window  and  blink  at  the  blazing 
sky,  like  a  bedazzled  owl  at  a  calcium  light ;  but 
I  know  one  individual  who  could  have  got  along 
quite  as  well  if  there  had  raged  no  war  of  the 
elements.  He  would  have  slept  soundly  and 
never  mourned  for  what  he  had  lost. 


MY  DRIVE  TO  THE  CLIFF. 


T  AM  wofully  out  of  humor,  and  what  is 
^  worse,  out  of  pocket,  and  have  just  been 
setding  a  bill  for  repairs  to  a  buggy  which  was 
knocked  out  of  kilter  on  the  Cliff  House  road 
the  other  day.     At  the  present  writing  I  feel 


HIGH-STRUNG    TROTTERS.  I  79 

that   It  will   be    some    time   before  I   take  the 
chances  of  injuring  another.     The   moon  may 
fill  her  horn  and  wane   again,  the  seals  howl, 
and  the  ocean  roar,  but  I  will  hardly  indulge  in 
the  luxury  of  a  drive  to  the  beach  for  many  a 
day  to  come.     I  had  a  couple  of  ladies  with  me. 
Splendid  company  ladies  are — so  long  as  they 
have  unlimited  confidence   in    your  skill    as  a 
driver.     But  they  try  one's  patience  after  they 
lose  faith,  and  want  to  get  the  lines  In  their  own 
hands   every  time  you   chance  to  run  a  wheel 
Into  the  ditch,  or  accidentally  climb  over  a  pig 
or  calf.     Those  who  were  v/ith  me  on  that  occa- 
sion are  not  particularly  loud  in  their  praise  of 
my  driving.     The  fact  Is,  I  didn't  acquit  myself 
in  a  manner  calculated  to  draw  down  encomi- 
ums In  showers  upon  my  head.     I  drove  a  span 
that  day.     They  were   called  high-strung  ani- 
mals.    But  I  don't  like  high-strung  horses  any 
more.     If  they  would  only  run  along  the  track 
like  a  locomotive,  I  could  hold  the  ribbons  as 
gracefully  as    anybody ;  but  I   am  very  much 
opposed  to    all  of  their   lltde    by-plays.     This 
getdng   scared   at   a  floating   thisde-down,   or 
grasshopper  swinging  on  a  straw,  Is  something 


l8o  SUNDRY   COLLISIONS. 

I  don't  approve   of  In  a   horse.     There   is   no 
reason  In  It ;  no  profit  accrues  from  It. 

But  my  trotters  were  frightened  at  different 
objects  at  the  same  moment — one  at  a  snail 
peacefully  pursuing  his  way  across  the  road, 
and  the  other  at  a  butterfly  winging  his  wab- 
bling flight  along  the  ditch.  At  once  they  be- 
came unmanageable,  and  vied  with  each  other 
in  extravagant  antics.  From  the  first  the  ladies 
had  no  very  exalted  opinion  of  my  manner  of 
handling  the  lines.  Even  before  we  were  well 
under  way  I  had  the  misfortune  to  run  down  a 
calf.  Then  a  Newfoundland  dog  thought  to 
stop  the  buggy  by  taking  hold  of  one  of  the 
hubs,  but  he  made  a  mis-dive,  and  shoving  his 
head  between  the  spokes,  kept  us  company  for 
twenty  rods  without  any  effort  on  his  part  what- 
ever. I  also  ran  over  a  wheelbarrow  loaded 
with  bricks  (the  Irishman  escaped  with  a  crushed 
hat),  and  overthrew  an  apple  woman's  stand 
while  turning  a  corner.  I  can  yet  hear  ringing 
in  my  ear  the  shouts  and  execrations  of  the  old 
vender,  when  she  saw  the  wheels  mounting  her 
baskets  and  squeezing  the  cider  out  of  her 
choicest  bellflowers.     Until  I   passed  the   next 


A    BROKEN    MERCHANT. 


I8I 


Street  I  could  look  back  and  see  the  old  lady  In 
her  embarrassing  situation.  There  she  sat, 
caught  under  the  broken  table,  and  kicking 
about  wildly  In  frantic    efforts  to  free   herself, 


SLIGHTLY   EMBARRASSING. 


while  her  bonnet  was  knocked  askew  by  the 
fall  and  stuck  on  one  side  of  her  head  In  the 
most  jaunty  position  Imaginable. 

At  this  point  the  horses  became  more  fright- 


I  82  STRANGE    ANTICS. 

ened,  and  commenced  cutting  up  strange  didos. 
Things  were  getting  badly  mixed,  so  much  so 


BADLY   MIXED. 


that  one  horse  turned  his  head  to  the  dasher. 
The  ladies  took  a  hurried  view  of  the  situation, 
and  voting  me  an  incompetent  driver,  began  to 


DRIVING   NOT   MY   FORTE. 


183 


desert  me  by  back-action  movements  over  the 
rear  end  of  the  buggy. 

I  shall  always  think  that  I  could  have  man- 
aged the  animals  without  any  difficulty  if  they 
had  not  both  been  frightened  at  the  same  time. 
But  with  one  bucking  like  a  Mexican  plug, 
evidently  bent  on  crawling  under  the  buggy, 
and  the  other  seemingly  striving  to  reach  the 
stars  by  an  invisible  ladder,  they  were  indeed 
difficult  to  control. 

My  companions  concluded  they  had  sufficient 
buggy  riding  for  one  day,  and  took  the  cars 
into  town,  while  I  patched  up  the  harness  as 
best  I  could,  and  returned  to  the  livery  stable, 
fully  concurring  with  the  women  folks  that  as 
a  driver  I  was  not  a  success,  and  that  hereafter 
promenades  would  suit  me  better. 


SECOND  SIGHT. 


A 


SINGULAR  case  of  second  sight  occurred 
in  the  western  part  of  the  city  last  even- 
ino-  while  I  was  there.  An  old  Irishman  named 
McSweegan,  who  lives  in  that  locality,  is  the 
possessor  of  a  multiplying  pair  of  eyes.  That 
Is,  they  have  the  strange  faculty  of  making  two 
objects  of  one.  This  natural  endowment  is 
particularly  distinguishable  after  he  has  been 
indulging  freely  in  strong  decoctions  of  old 
rye. 

Yesterday  he  was  attending  a  primary  elec- 
tion, at  which  he  expected  to  be  brought  before 
the  public  as  a  candidate  for  a  fat  local  office. 
An  influential  friend  had  been  intrusted  with  the 
highly  important  and  vital  mission  of  bringing 
his  name  before  the  delegates,  for  which  service 
he  was  to  receive  some  petty  office  if  the  elec- 
tion was  effected.     McSweegan  stood  back  in 

a  recess  of  the  hall,  hat  in   hand,  impatiently 

184" 


THE    DISAPPOINTED    POLITICIAN.  1 85 

waiting  to  hear  the  famiUar  name  pronounced. 
In  fancy,  he  already  listened  to  the  shout  of 
applause  that  would  follow  his  nomination.  But 
he  stood  with  a  quiet  smile  and  an  attentive  ear 
in  vain.  Candidate  after  candidate  was  an- 
nounced, but  the  ancient  and  honorable  name 
of  McSweegan  thrilled  not  his  auricular  nerves. 
The  ticket  was  at  last  declared  full,  and  he 
was  not  one  of  the  happy  number.  His  friend 
had  played  him  false — to  use  a  common  expres- 
sion, "had  gone  back  on  him,"  and  he  was 
justly  indignant. 

On  his  way  home  he  took  Lethean  draughts 
in  which  to  drown  his  trouble  and  keen  disap- 
pointment, and  by  the  time  he  reached  his 
clap-board  front  was  in  capital  condition  for 
seeing  double.  The  hour  was  late  as  -he 
entered  his  house,  but  he  found  his  industrious 
better  half  sitting  at  a  table  sewing  by  the 
flicker  of  a  tallow  candle.  His  red  and  multi- 
plying optics  were  riveted  by  the  wannish 
flame,  which  to  him  had  the  semblance  of  two 
well-defined  and  separate  lights.  This  was  an 
extravagance  that  he  could  not  countenance. 
To  have  found  his  wife  up  at  such  a  late  hour 


1 86  MISDIRECTED    ECONOMY. 

would  have  been  severe  enough  strain  upon 
his  already  ruffled  temper,  for  he  had  no  wish 
to  discuss  the  result  of  the  "  Primary."  But 
to  find  her  needlessly  consuming  two  candles 


THE   ECONOMIST  SEEING   DOUBLE. 


showed  a  wastefulness  on  her  part,  evincing  an 
utter  disregard  for  the  low  condition  of  his 
exchequer.  He  was  exceedingly  provoked, 
and  with  a  view  of  curtailing  home  expenses, 
attempted  to  puff  out  one  of  the  flames. 


LANGUISHING    IN    THE    LOCK-XIP.  1 87 

After  several  ineffectual  attempts,  In  which 
he  scorched  his  whiskers  and  eyebrows,  he 
succeeded,  but  found  himself  enveloped  In 
Egyptian  darkness.  His  rage  Increased.  He 
at  once  accused  his  wife  of  blowing  out  the 
"other  candle"  through  spite.  Her  contra- 
dictions only  fanned  his  fury,  and  the  perform- 
ance ended  by  putting  her  out  of  the  house 
and  keeping  her  out  all  night— for  which  un- 
nusbandly  treatment  she  had  him  arrested,  and 
he  now  languishes  In  the  lock-up. 


THE  THIEF. 


OICHARD    ROE   was  a    thief,  whose  temptation 

^         to  steal 
Always  grew  more  resistless  when  wanting  a  meal  ; 
Once  he  entered  a  store,  when  no  person  was  by, 
Took  a  box  of  sardines,  and  attempted  to  fly  ; 
But,  although  he  could  slope  when  occasion  required, 
Like  a  stag  to  a  stream  when  the  forest  is  fired, 


1 88  THE    LOOKERS   ON. 

The  scoundrel  was  spotted  and  nabbed  at  the  door, 
By  officers  Murphy,  McMannus  and  Moore ; 
And  away  to  the  jail,  midst  a  crowd  you  should  see, 
Went  the  thief,  the  sardines,  and  the  officers  three. 

The  next  day  came  his  hearing,  and  people  were  there 
From  all  stations  in  life,  on  the  prisoner  to  stare: 
There  were  gamblers,  street-pavers,  stevedores,  under- 
takers. 
Ship-chandlers,  brick-masons,  and  umbrella  makers, 
Corn-doctors,  reporters,  clerks,  tailors,  and  teachers, 
Fruit-peddlers,      horse-trainers,      clairvoyants,      and 

preachers ; 
A  few  women  also  jammed  in  with  the  rest. 
With   their  bonnets    awry,  and   their   clothing   sore 

pressed. 
And  their  uplifted  faces,  perspiring  and  red, 
Full  ear-deep  in  the  back  of  some  person  ahead ; 
And  like  peas  in  a  kettle,  or  bees  in  a  hive — 
Ever  shifting  position — so  they  were  alive  ; 
All  impatiently  wedging  around  in  a  stew. 
In  the  hope  they  could  better  their  chance  for  a  view; 
This  one  grumbling  because  some  one  crowded  so 

near 
That  he  shot  his  hot  breath  in  the  depths  of  his  ear : 
That  one  cursing  because  some  one's  elbow  so  rude 
On  his  ribs  was  inclined  to  encroach  and  intrude ; 
And  another  one  howling  and  looking  forlorn, 
Just  because  some  one  trod  on  his  favorite  corn; 
Over  all  the  hoarse  voice  of  the  bailiff  did  wheeze : 
"  Order !    order    in    the    court,    gentlemen,   if    you 
please !  " 


THE    BOLD    BURGLAR. 


189 


Six  feet  two,  if  an  inch,  and  proportioned  in  size. 
Stood  the  thief  in  the  dock,  when  the  clerk  bid  him  rise ; 
And  amongst  all  that  crowd  not  a  man  could  be  found 
With  his  shoulders  so  square  and  a  physique  so  sound. 


RICHARD    ROE,  THE   SARDINE  THIEF. 


First,  around  on  the  lawyers  and  officers  there 
He  defiantly  gazed  with  a  bold,  brazen  air ; 
And  then,  turning  around,  stared  the  Judge  in  the  face, 
As  though  he  was  the  thief  and  the  rogue  in  the  case. 


190  BEFORE   THE    COURT. 

The  stern  Judge  ran  his  eyes  the  unmoved  villain  o'er, 
From  the  crown  of  his  head  to  his  feet  on  the  floor — 
While  the  rogue  seemed  to  study  with  critical  care 
The  time-honored  "  Court,"  with  his  thin  crop  of  hair. 


For  five  minutes  or  more,  it's  my  candid  belief 
That  the  thief  eyed  the  Judge,  and  the  Judge  eyed 

the  thief; 
As  two  rivals,  long  parted,  in  some  foreign  land 
By    mischance    blown    together,    each    other    they 

scanned ; 
While  there  rose  from  the   concourse  no  perceptible 

sound, 
Not  a  whisper  or  yawn,  even,  circled  around. 
But  a  charnel-house  calm  o'er  the  room  seemed  to  fall, 
Till  the  flies  could  be  heard  on  the  plastering  crawl — 
Till  beneath  the  rogue's  stare  the  Court's  visage  grew 

red. 
But  down-choking  his  rising  resentment,  he  said : — 
"Richard  Roe" — and  he  spoke  quite  emphatic  and 

slow. 
As  though  weighing  each  word  before  letting  it  go — 
And  inclined  his  head  downward,  as  men  often  do 
When  they  look  over  spectacles  rather  than  through — 
*'  Richard  Roe,  you  have  come  to  the  surface  once 

more, 
Like  the  ghost  to  the  feast  of  the  monarch  of  yore ; 
I  have  lectured,  imprisoned  and  fined  you  in  vain — 
You  will  still  depredate,  and  confront  me  again. 
From  the  door  of  the  jail  to  the  till  of  a  store 
There  is  simply  one  pace  unto  you,  and  no  more ; 


THE    JUDGE  S    REMARKS. 


191 


As  the  dog  to  his  vomit,  the  sow  to  her  mire, 
You  will  glide,  the  born  slave  of  your  fiendish  desire  ; 
By  my  oath,  it's  a  sin,  a  disgrace,  and  a  shame ; 
With  your  shoulders  so  broad,  and  so   robust  your 

frame, 
With  your  arms  like  a  Hercules,  muscled  and  strong, 
With  your  wind  like  a  stag-hound's,  so  perfect  and 

long, 
To  earn  a  support  you're  possessed  of  all  means — 
And  yet  you've  been  stealing  a  box  of  sardines. 


THE  JUDGB. 

"  I  have  worked  my  way  onward,  year  out  and  year  in. 
Among  characters  blackened  and  blistered  with  sin ; 
Amongst  men  I'd  have  quaked  to  have  met  in  a  lane, 
As  I  would  the  arch  demon,  relieved  of  his  chain  ; 
But  I'm  frank  to  confess,  and  I'd  state  it  as  free 
On  a  Bible  as  large  as  a  bed,  if  need  be, 


192  A    FAMILIAR    FACE. 

In  my  thirty  years'  practice,  on  Bench  or  at  Bar, 
A  thief  more  consummate  and  bold  than  you  are 
I  have  never  encountered,  in  county  or  town. 
Among    whites,    copper-colored,     or    greasers    done 

brown ; 
You're  as  prone  to  purloin  as  an  eagle  to  fly, 
Or  a  salmon  to  swim,  or  a  lover  to  sigh  ; 
Not  an  esculent  known,  or  utensil  of  use. 
From  a  cantaloupe  down  to  the  quill  of  a  goose. 
From  a  tripe  in  the  stall  to  a  fowl  in  the  coop, 
But  at  some  time  or  other  in  your  life  you  did  scoop." 

And  as  if  in  assent,  Richard  Roe  bowed  his  head, 
While  the  Judge  wiped  his  face,  and  continuing,  said: 
"  Here  so  often,  of  late,  you  have  taken  the  stand. 
To  give  answer  for  larcenies,  petty  or  grand, 
That  your  face  has  become  as  familiar  to  all 
The  practitioners  here  as  the  clock  on  the  wall ; " 
Here  he  pointed  it  out,  and  a  glance  at  it  threw ; 
And  bold  Richard  turned  round  and  regarded  it  too. 
While  full  back  to  his  ears  a  grim  smile  slowly  broke, 
For,  despite  his  position,  he  relished  the  joke. 
"  I  regret  that  our  law  draws  the  limiting  line, 
For  it  seems  but  a  farce  to  impose  a  small  fine. 
Or  to  send  you  below  for  a  week  or  ten  days. 
To  recline  on  a  mat  and  hatch  future  forays. 

"  But  since  neither  the  gloom  of  the  prison,  nor  fine. 
Seems  to  work  a  reform  in  that  bosom  of  thine, 
I  will  try  a  new  method — throw  justice  one  side. 
And  appeal  to  your  manhood,  your  honor,  and  pride  j 
It  is  said  kindness  conquers  where  knuckles  will  fail, 
And  a  pardon  may  faster  reform  than  the  jail ; 


THE    SENTENCE. 


193 


Since  the  stock-raiser  advocates  crossing  the  breed, 
And  the  farmer  finds  profit  by  changing  the  seed, 
Who  can  tell  but  a  change  may  regenerate  you — 
So  we  offer  you  mercy  where  none  is  your  due. 

**  Mr.  Sheriff!  release  that  purloiner  !  as  free 

As  the  wind  that  awakes  the  dull  ocean,  is  he. 

But,  sir,  hark !   Richard  Roe,  ere  you  mix  with  the 

throng, 
Take  this    friendly  advice    from  one    knowing    you 

long: 
And  in  future,  whenever  your  stomach  does  feel 
Like  digesting  a  fish,  take  a  rod,  and  a  reel, 
A  few  hooks,  a  fine  line,  and  of  gentles  a  few, 
And  go  catch  your  own  fry,  as  all  good  people  do; 
For  you'll  find  it  more  wholesome  to  follow  a  creek, 
And  there  angle  for  trout  seven  days  of  the  week. 
Than  to  strive  to  obtain  by  unwarranted  means 
E'en  a  box  of  diminutive,  oily  sardines." 

Subdued  was  bold  Richard,  he  gazed  in  surprise. 
And  trembled,  while  tears  welled  fast  from  his  eyes. 
As  he  vowed   that  henceforth   the   right  course  he'd 

pursue  ; 
And  Roe  is  now  honest,  trustworthy,  and  true. 


»3 


A  STARTLING  CAT-ASTROPHE. 


"  Methought  I  heard  a  voice  cry,  '  Sleep  no  more.'  " 

— Shakespeare, 

T  AST  night,  soon  after  retiring,  I  was  made 
^^  aware  of  the  exceedingly  annoying  fact 
that  a  pair  of  cats  had  selected  the  yard  under 
my  window  for  their  trysting-place,  and  were 
behaving  in  a  most  demonstrative  manner. 

I  have  no  objection  to  cats  having  their 
courtships  as  well  as  men  ;  but  I  see  no  reason 
in  their  having  such  a  hoodooing  time  over  it, 
making  night  hideous  with  rascally  yowls.  There 
is,  perhaps,  nothing  more  aggravating  in  life 
than  to  have  a  litde  saucy  spit-fire  of  a  puss 
keep  a  whole  community  awake  for  hours 
together,  because  an  admirer  of  hers  happens  to 
take  a  moonlight  stroll  on  a  neighboring  fence. 

The  night  wore  on.  Their  inharmonious 
chants  Increased  in  volume  and  spirit.  Con- 
sidering the  matter,  I  came  to  the  conclusion 
194 


DEATH    OF   THE    LOVEK^.  195 

that  I  would  rather  pay  the  fine  imposed  for 
shooting  in  the  city  Hmits  than  lose  so  many 
hours  from  needed  rest. 

I  hastened  to  procure  my  shot  gun,  deter- 
mined to  make  a  scattering  amongst  them,  if 
nothing  more.  As  I  reached  the  casement,  a 
bright  flash  from  the  window  of  an  adjoining 
house,  and  a  simultaneous  patter  of  shot  in  the 
yard,  informed  me  that  some  co-sufTerer  had 
taken  the  initiative  in  the  good  work  of  demoli- 
tion ;  for  though  wrought  to  the  highest  pitch 
of  ferocity,  his  nerves  were  steady  and  his  aim 
was  sure. 

He  evidently  hit  them  where  their  nine  lives 
were  centered,  and  they  dropped  as  they  stood 
when  the  fatal  tube  was  leveled.     In  short — 

They  died  as  erring  cats  should  die — 

Without  a  kick,  without  a  cry ; 

The  faintest  rustle  in  the  chips, 

A  slight  contraction  of  the  lips, 

Which  brought  the  pointed  teeth  in  sight, 

And  they  had  passed  to  endless  night. 

Even  as  I  write  (ten  o'clock  a.  m.)  they  are 
lying  in  the  yard  as  they  fell,  a  terrible  illustra- 
tion of  sudden  transition  from  noisy  debate  to 


196  APPROPRIATE    EPITAPH. 

silent  repose.  There  they  He,  to  compare  small 
things  with  great,  like  a  pair  of  shipwrecked 
lovers,  who  have  clung  to  each  other  through 
fire  and  water,  and  at  last  have  reached  the 
wreck-strewed  beach  in  body,  but  not  in  spirit.  , 
The  gentleman  who  owns  the  yard  has  just 
been  out  looking  at  them.  After  silently  survey- 
ing the  dead  for  a  long  time  in  silence,  he  walked 
away  without  disturbing  them,  pathetically  mur- 
muring the  Latin  motto,  ''  Requies-cat  in  pace'* 


A  TRIP  TO  THE  MOUNTAINS. 


T  HAVE  been  taking  a  flying  trip  over  the 
^  Sierras  about  which  the  poet  so  melliflu- 
ously  sings.  There  were  many  beautiful 
scenes  presented  during  that  trip,  but  abler 
pens  than  mine  have  described  them  fully,  and 
have  done  them  justice,  so  I  will  not  attempt 
to  set  forth  their  various  charms.     It  is  not  my 


A   TEMPTING    MORSEL.  igj 

forte,  anyway,  and  I  am  free  to  confess  the 
fact.  Enough  for  me  to  describe  the  excellent 
lunch  which  I  had  the  good  fortune  to  have 
along  with  me,  and  to  speak  plainly,  I  enjoyed 
it  the  most  of  anything  I  saw  during  my  trip. 
It  was  no  ordinary  lunch,  however.  The  back- 
bone of  it  was  a  nicely-roasted  chicken,  which 
reflected  great  credit  upon  both  the  poulterer 
and  the  kind-hearted  young  lady  who  volun- 
teered to  see  it  through  the  oven.  Ah,  that 
brisk  little  lady  can  prepare  a  dish  fit  to  set 
before  the  gods.  If  that  is  not  doing  her  jus- 
tice, tell  me  what  more  can  be  said,  and  I  will 
pile  it  higher.     She  is  worthy  of  it. 

The  virtues  of  that  fowl  live  in  my  memory 
yet.  It  was  good.  If  you  could  meet  an  old 
lady  that  was  a  passenger  in  that  car — not  the 
one  with  the  bunion  on  her  left  foot  and  the 
crockery  teeth,  who  mistook  me  for  a  minister, 
but  the  mild  old  lady  with  glasses  that  sat 
opposite  me — she  would  tell  you  the  same. 
She  knows.  Bless  her  gentle  heart !  If  she 
doesn't,  I  would  like  to  know  who  does.  She 
partook  of  the  fowl.  I  saw  her  looking  wist- 
fully upon  it  as  I  dismembered  it,  and,  though 


198  A    CONVENIENT  TOOTH. 

I  say  it  myself,  I  am  not  greedy,  by  any  means, 
so  I  offered  her  the  juicy  neck.     Did  she  take 
it?     Ask,    rather,    if  a   cat   that   had   fasted  a 
week  would  take  a  mouse  if  she  got  between 
him  and  his  hole?     As  old  Shylock  said,  ''Are 
you  answered  ?  "     She  was  no  novice  at  pick- 
ing the   neck  of  a  fowl,  either.     She  manipu- 
lated it  in  a  manner  that  proved  to  me  clearly 
she   had   a  perfect  knowledge  of  its  construc- 
tion.    It  was  not  long — perhaps  ten  seconds — 
before  she  had  it  picked  as  bare  as  a  corkscrew. 
She  did  it  with  such  ease,  too  ;  and  that's  what 
got  me.     She  kept  it  revolving  as  rapidly  as  a 
squirrel  does  the  cylinder  in  his  cage.     She  had 
but  one  front  tooth  left  in  her  upper  jaw.     The 
intelligent    mind    w^ill    no    doubt   immediately 
picture  forth  a  lo7ig  tooth ;  and  the  intelligent 
mind,   in   so   doing,    portrays    the    incisor    cor- 
rectly.    It  was,  indeed,  a  long  tooth,  but  it  was 
just   the    thing    she    needed  for   the   business 
before  her.     It  seemed   to  be   specially  made 
for  it,  as  it  fitted  into  every  depression  or  notch 
in  the  neck  as  nicely  as  a  key  into  a  lock.     It 
ran  around  between  the  vertebrae  like  a  turner's 
c.hisel,  throwing  the  small  particles  of  nutriment 


G£NER0SITV   REWARDED.  1^9 

far  back  against  the  roof  of  her  mouth.  It  did 
me  good  to  see  her  play  around  that  fowl's 
neck.     I  grew  young  again  while  beholding  the 


NECK  TO  NECK. 


busy  scene,  and  actually  regretted  that  a 
chicken  did  not  have  two  necks,  as  well  as 
two  legs,  that  I  might  repeat  the  generous 
donation,  and   see   the  pleasing  scene  enacted 


200  INDEPENDENCE    FOREVER. 

again.     As  it  was,  I  won  golden  opinions  from 
the  old  lady. 

A  stout  German  woman  who  sat  near  by 
also  seemed  to  be  looking  upon  the  chicken 
as  though  she  would  like  to  help  me  make 
away  with  it.  With  that  magnanimity  which 
was  ever  my  peculiar  characteristic,  I  severed 
the  pope's  nose  from  the  trunk  and  proffered 
her  the  delicious  morsel,  when,  to  my  utter 
astonishment  and  confusion,  she  whipped  out 
of  her  pocket  a  big  bologna  sausage  the  size 
of  a  stuffed  club,  and  shook  it  triumphantly  In 
my  face,  so  close  that  it  might  have  greased  the 
end  of  my  nose.  She  actually  scouted  the  idea. 
Independent,  proud  and  self-sustaining,  these 
Germans,  and  no  mistake.  She  evidently  felt 
insulted,  and  delivered  herself  of  a  long  essay 
in  the  German  tongue.  She  was  undoubtedly 
giving  me  to  understand  that  she  was  able  to 
furnish  grists  for  her  own  mill.  Of  course 
that  is  what  she  meant.  I  could  tell  that  by 
the  way  she  flourished  the  bologna,  and  pointed 
to  her  mouth  and  stomach.  I  expected  she  was 
about  to  whack  me  over  the  jaw  with  the  sin 
gular-looking  weapon,  and  prepared  to  dodge 


GENEROSITY    CHECKED.  20I 

on  the  shortest  possible  notice.  But  she  didn't. 
As  If  to  madden  me,  she  commenced  eating 
the  sausage  In  a  hasty,  excited  manner,  taking 
about  two  Inches  at  a  bite.  What  could  I  do  ? 
What  did  I  do  ?  Why,  let  her  eat  It,  of  course  ; 
it  was  none  of  my  business.  I  had  no  objec- 
tion, so  long  as  she  didn't  choke,  and  render  it 
necessary  for  me  to  pat  her  upon  the  back, 
which  I  certainly  thought  I  would  have  to  do 
before  she  finished  her  meal. 

You  may  be  sure  I  offered  no  more  chicken 
to  any  person  after  that,  but  picked  the  bones 
as  bare  as  pen-holders.  If  she  liked  bologna 
better  than  a  choice  piece  of  fowl,  it  was  her 
fault,  not  mine.  I  washed  my  hands  of  the 
whole  affair. 

I  stopped  a  few  hours  at  a  mill  In  the  moun- 
tains, and  while  there  witnessed  an  amuslne 
Incident.  There  was  a  small  pipe  leading  from 
the  engine,  and  projecting  through  the  side  of 
the  building  close  to  the  ground.  Through  this 
pipe  the  waste  water  was  conveyed  from  the 
engine,  and  at  the  end  of  It  quite  a  puddle  or 
drain  had  been  formed,  about  a  foot  in  width 
and  eight  or  ten  feet  in  length.     The  constant 


202  A   CHEAP    STEAM    BATH. 

dripping  from  the  pipe  kept  the  water  warm, 
and  from  it  a  steam  was  continually  rising. 
There  were  several  Indian  camps  in  the  vicinity 
of  the  mill,  and  as  wood  was  rather  scarce,  the 
squaws  belonging  to  the  camps  were  in  the 
habit  of  congregating  around  this  warm  drain 
when  the  cold  weather  numbed  their  poorly 
protected  limbs.  It  was  not  an  unusual  thing  to 
see  half  a  dozen  coming  down  the  hill  to  squat 
beside  the  drain,  and  there  sit  for  hours  dis- 
cussing the  current  topics  of  the  day,  enjoying 
at  the  same  time  the  luxury  of  a  cheap  steam 
bath. 

There  were  a  couple  sitting  at  the  drain  in 
this  innocent  manner  while  I  was  at  the  mill. 
I  called  the  engineer's  attention  to  the  capital 
opportunity  that  lay  before  him  to  give  them  a 
surprise  that  would  be  fun  to  behold.  This  he 
could  do  by  simply  turning  a  gauge  cock  and 
allowing  the  steam  to  go  out  with  a  rush  upon 
the  squatting  pair.  The  engineer  was  a  sober 
sort  of  man,  not  at  all  given  to  humor,  and  not 
inclined  to  take  advantage  of  the  opportunity. 
But  when  I  informed  him  that  I  represented  an 
illustrated  paper  and  wanted  to  make  a  stirring 


SURPRISED    NATIVES. 


503 


sketch  of  the  scene,  he  consented  for  my  benefit. 
As  he  went  to  comply  with  my  suggestion,  I 
moved  to  the  window  to  see  how  the  squaws 
would  enjoy  it.     I  had  hardly  reached  my  posi- 


tion when  the  steam  shot  along  the  surface  of  the 
water  like  smoke  from  the  muzzle  of  a  rifle.  At 
the  same  instant  the  gentle  savages  shot  at  least 
four  feet  into  the  air,  in  the  most  extravagant 


204  SOMETHING    BROKE    LOOSE. 

positions  imaginable.  Until  that  moment  I 
would  not  have  believed  the  human  form  could 
assume  such  strange  attitudes  on  such  short 
notice.  If  I  had  not  been  intently  gazing  upon 
the  pair  as  they  sat  chatting  sociably  over  the 
drain,  and  had  my  eyes  riveted  upon  them  as 
they  shot  aloft,  I  could  hardly  have  thought  the 
two  dark  figures  performing  such  grotesque  evo- 
lutions in  mid  air  were  indeed  human  beings. 

The  steam  was  harmless,  as  it  had  to  go  quite 
a  distance  before  escaping,  but  the  squaws  didn't 
understand  anything  about  that,  you  know.  No 
person  had  enlightened  their  untutored  minds 
upon  that  point,  and  they  didn't  sit  there  very 
long  in  order  to  ascertain ;  for  the  sake  of  the 
squaws,  however,  let  us  hope  that  it  was.  One 
thing  they  evidently  did  feel  certain  about,  and 
that  was  that  something  had  broken  loose,  and 
that,  too,  at  a  very  inopportune  moment.  The 
thought  that  followed  close  upon  the  heels  of 
the  other  was  to  change  their  position  in  the 
shortest  possible  time.  If  they  both  had  been 
shot  into  the  air  out  of  one  mortar  they  could 
hardly  have  shown  greater  concert  of  action. 
If  there  was  any  difference  in  their  sensitiveness 


HARD    TO    REPENT    OF.  205 

or  agility,  the  one  farthest  from  the  pipe  seemed 
to  claim  the  superiority,  for,  as  near  as  I  could 
judge,  she  was  first  to  spring  aloft.  The  back 
of  one  was  towards  me,  and  the  face  of  the 
other.  Though  quite  a  distance  from  them,  I 
could  distinguish  the  white  eyes  of  the  latter 
standing  out  as  prominently  as  a  pair  of  silver- 
headed  nails  in  the  end  of  a  mahogany  coffin. 

It  may  be  argued  that  this  was  a  mean  trick. 
It  may  even  be  said  that  it  was  a  sinful  act.  I 
admit  all  this ;  nay,  more,  it  may  be  that  I  will 
have  to  answer  for  it  hereafter,  when-  you,  and 
they,  and  all  of  us,  have  ceased  to  be  interested 
in  things  pertaining  to  the  flesh  ;  but  in  the  face 
of  this  supposition,  I  must  still  adhere  to  the 
original  assertion  that  it  was  indeed  an  amusing 
incident,  and  will  go  further  and  say  that  as  yet 
I  have  not  been  brought  down  to  that  perfect 
state  of  repentance  where  I  could  sincerely  say 
that  I  regretted  having  been  the  instigator  of 
the  deed. 

I  never  learned  whether  the  squaws  returned 
to  the  drain  again,  but,  judging  from  the  way 
they  hustled  over  the  hill  in  the  direction  of 
their  camp,  I  am  inclined  to  think  not. 


206  UPON    THE    HOG  S    BACK. 

While  coming  down  the  river  there  was  quite 
an  excitement  on  board,  on  account  of  the 
steamer  grounding  suddenly  upon  the  "  Hog's 
Back.**  She  was  running  pretty  fast  at  the 
time,  and  the  sudden  stop  threw  several  pas- 
sengers off  their  feet,  and  for  a  few  moments 
all  was  confusion.  I  was  partly  disrobed  at  the 
time,  and  the  first  thought  that  entered  my  mind 
was  that  we  had  collided  with  some  schooner 
on  its  way  up  the  river.  Before  leaving,  a 
gentleman  placed  a  lady  and  two  small  children 
in  my  charge,  and  my  first  act  was  to  run  to  the 
state-room  in  which  they  were.  I  found  the 
lady  preparing  for  rest,  but  the  children  were 
already  in  bed.  Without  much  ceremony,  I 
seized  a  child  in  each  hand,  and  bidding  the 
lady  to  follow,  started  to  deposit  them  near  the 
davits,  that  they  might  be  handy  to  throw  into 
the  boats  in  case  we  were  compelled  to  take  to 
them. 

W^hile  hastening  through  the  cabin  I  was  con- 
fronted by  a  terrified  woman  in  her  night- 
clothes,  who  jumped  out  of  her  state-room  as 
I  was  passing  the  door.  In  her  hands  she 
grasped   the  nozzle  of  a   large   life    preserver, 


NO    WIND    TO    SPARE. 


207 


which  she  had  buckled  around  her,  and  which 
only  needed  to  be  inflated  with  wind  to  make 
her  comparatively  safe.  No  sooner  did  she  see 
me    than    she    commenced    dancing    frantically 


BLOW    ME    up!" 


around  me  in  the  most  insane  manner,  at  the 
same  time  shouting  with  all  the  strength  of  her 
voice :  "  Blow  me  up  !  blow  me  up  !  for  the  love 
of  heaven.  Mister,  blow  me  up  !"  But  I  had 
enough  to  do  at  that  moment  without  stopping 


208 


A    COMFORTING    SUGGESTION. 


to  "  blow  her  up."  Besides,  I  didn't  know  but 
I  might  have  to  swim  to  the  shore,  and  would, 
consequently,  need  what  little  wind  I  could 
muster  to  bear  me  through  the  task.  Before 
proceeding  far,  however,  I  met  the  mate,  who 
told  me  to  put  the  children  back  in  bed  and  go 
soak  my  head,  or  do  anything  that  would  keep 
me  from  making  an  unmitigated  fool  of  myself, 
with  which  kindly  suggestion  I  meekly  com- 
plied. 


AN  IMPATIENT  UNDERTAKER. 


IV  TOW  and  then  we  come  across  a  scoundrel, 
an  Inhuman  wretch,  of  such  magnitude 
that  we  are  inclined,  Hke  Bassanio,  to  waver  in 
our  faith,  and  hold  opinion  with  Pythagoras, 
that  being  the  only  hypothesis  by  which  we  are 
enabled  to  account  for  their  being  possessed  of 
such  brutish  natures.  For  example:  An  underv 
taker  was  pointed  out  to  me  to-day  who  follows 
so  close  in  the  wake  of  death  that  he  quite  often 
appears  in  advance  of  the  grim  leveler,  and 
secures,  if  possible,  the  job  of  burying  the  body 
while  yet  the  person  is  alive,  much  as  he  would 
bespeak  a  quarter  of  beef  of  his  neighbor  before 
the  animal  was  butchered.  This  individual  heard 
that  a  man  was  about  to  die  in  the  County 
Hospital,  and  learning  that  the  only  friend  of 
the  sick  man  was  about  to  leave  the  city,  he 
hunted  him  up  and  solicited  the  job  of  perform- 
ing the  last  sad  rites  for  his  friend  when  death 

should  have  gathered  him  in. 

14  209 


2IO  LOOKING    AFTER    BUSINESS. 

The  request  was  unthinkingly  granted,  and 
sufficient  money  to  cover  the  expenses  of  the 
burial  was  placed  in  the  hands  of  a  third  party, 
who  was  to  pay  it  to  the  undertaker  when 
the  obsequies  were  performed.  The  man  of 
coffins  departed,  smiling  over  his  success.  The 
only  thing  that  remained  now  between  him  and 
a  fat  profit  was  the  man's  life  ;  but  this  was  only 
a  slim  barrier  and  likely  to  fall  at  every  breath 
of  air.  He  paid  semi-daily  visits  to  the  hospital 
to  learn  how  the  disease  was  developing. 

Each  morning  as  he  arose  and  looked  out 
upon  the  cold  fog  hanging  over  the  city,  he 
rubbed  his  hands  with  delight,  and  chuckled  as 
he  thought  how  impossible  it  would  be  for  the 
sick  man  to  live  through  such  a  disagreeable 
day.  "  It's  not  in  the  nature  of  the  disease  to 
allow  it,"  he  argued.  "  If  he  is  not  gone  al- 
ready, he  will  be  as  stiff  as  a  piston-rod  before 
ten  o'clock,  or  I  am  no  judge  of  cause  and 
effect." 

But  somehow  the  last  thread  of  life  was 
indeed  a  tough  one,  and  held  out  wonderfully. 
One,  two  and  three  days  dragged  by,  and  still 
the  invalid's   cough  waked  the   echoes   of  the 


ENERGETIC   ACTION.  211 

corridors  and  halls  of  the  hospital.  This  an- 
noyed the  anxious  undertaker  terribly. 

*'What  if  he  should  recover,  and  cheat  me 
out  of  the  money,  after  all  ?  "  thought  he,  as  he 
sat  in  his  gloomy  office  and  gazed  about  upon 
the  coffins  standing  on  their  ends  around  the 
room. 

Then  his  small  gray  eyes  lingered  longer 
upon  the  cheap  burial  case  in  the  corner — which 
he  thought  would  about  fit  the  man  in  the 
hospital.  "There's  no  use  of  this  delay,"  he 
muttered  to  himself  "There  must  be  some 
outside  influence  brought  to  bear  upon  him, 
and  that  immediately,  or  the  fellow  may  linger 
along  through  the  whole  winter,  and  keep  the 
money  lying  Idle  that  is  now  almost  within  my 
reach."  Taking  a  tape  measure  in  his  pocket, 
he  repaired  at  once  to  the  hospital,  and  gained 
admittance  to  the  sick  man's  room. 

The  poor  fellow  was  lying  apparently  in  the 
last  stages  of  that  deceptive  disease,  consump- 
tion. But  instead  of  thinking  he  was  so  far 
gone  that  his  obsequies  had  actually  commenced, 
he  was  promising  himself  long,  happy  years  of 
life  and  usefulness.     The  unfeeling  scoundrel 


2  12  GIVING    FULL    LENGTH. 

approached  the  bed  and  deliberately  proceeded 
to  measure  the  poor  fellow  for  his  last  outfit,  in 
the  meantime  keeping  up  a  sort  of  rattling  con- 
versation, like  the  following  :  "  Hello  !  old  boy ; 
so  you're  going  to  peg  out,  eh?  Well,  it's  a 
road  that  sooner  or  later  we've  all  got  to  travel ; 
so  there's  no  use  of  a  feller  making  any  bones 
over  it.  Rather  young,  though,  to  have  to 
stiffen  out  ;  without  even  having  the  pleasure 
of  belne  married — there  won't  be  no  such 
enjoyment  where  you're  going,  the  Scripture 
tells  us.  There — that's  a  good  fellow  ;  stretch 
out  full  length,  so  that  I  can  get  a  correct  meas- 
ure. If  there  is  anything  I  do  dislike  it  is  to 
see  a  corpse  stuck  into  a  coffin  that's  too  short 
by  a  few  inches.  I  would  rather  pinch  a  fel- 
low a  little  in  width  than  in  length,  'cause  it 
doesn't  cripple  a  corpse  up  so  bad.  There — 
that's  it  to  a  dot  ;  five  feet  nine  and  a  quarter, 
with  half  an  inch  allowed  for  the  stretching  out 
of  the  joints  just  as  you  are  going  off  You 
know  a  fellow  elongates  a  little  about  that  time, 
so  I  always  make  some  allowance  when  I  meas- 
ure a  live  man  for  his  coffin.  Now  for  the 
depth,  my  hearty !  Jerusalem  !  a  general  caving 


PINCH    MEASUREMENT. 


^13 


in  all  along  the  line,  eh  ?  Why,  you're  as  flat  as 
a  grlddle-cake.  Ah  !  that  consumption  is  the 
thing  that   plays   hob  with  a  fellow  !  it  is,   my 


BUSINESS    IS    BUSINESS. 


boy,  there's  no  use  denying  it.  It  scoops  a  per- 
son out  mighty  quick,  I  can  tell  you.  Four  and 
three-quarters — four  and  a-half — pinch  meas- 
urement.    Why,    blow   me,  if  it  doesn't    seem 


214  LIBERALITY    DISPLAYED. 

like  a  waste  of  material  to  give  you  the  standard 
depth.  If  it  wasn't  for  your  long  feet  I  would 
be  inclined  to  shallow  a  little  on  you,  old  boy  ! 
Let  me  think  now, — why,  what  a  numbskull  I 
am,  to  be  sure :  I  can  twist  your  feet  crosswise 
a  little,  and  make  a  go  of  it  like  a  charm  ;  but 
hold  on, — no,  I  can't  do  it  after  all,  for  there's 
your  nose  sticking  up  at  t'other  end,  and  it 
wouldn't  hardly  be  doing  the  fair  thing  by  you 
to  twist  your  head  around  ear  up,  for  the  sake 
of  saving  a  few  Inches  of  material,  no  sir  e-e.  I 
wouldn't  do  that  sort  of  thing  to  the  deadest 
corpse  I  ever  screwed  a  lid  over ;  I'll  do  the 
fair  thing  by  a  man,  be  he  dead  or  living, 
though  it  should  keep  me  poor.  I  can  give 
you  the  juvenile  handles,  though,  for  you 
don't  weigh  any  more  than  a  Cape  Ann  cod- 
fish. 

''You're  going  off  the  reel  at  a  favorable  time, 
too,  for  I've  been  wishing  for  a  chance  to  give 
my  light  team  an  airing,  for  some  time.  Old 
Skidamadink  over  on  Market  street,  I  hear.  Is 
going  to  take  out  a  stiff  one  to-morrow  afternoon 
also,  and  no  doubt  he  will  be  trying  to  forge 
ahead  of  me  the  way  he  did  yesterday  when  I 


BUSINESS    IS    BUSINESS.  21 5 

had  the  spavnied  grays  along;  but  he'll  find  out 
that  he  has  got  to  limber  up  a  little  differently 
when  Moll  and  Kate  are  stuck  in  his  flank.  He 
wouldn't  have  shook  me  off  yesterday,  if  I  hadn't 
that  soggy  old  sea  captain  aboard.  He  seemed 
to  grow  heavier  the  longer  I  kept  him.  If  there 
is  any  one  thing  I  dislike  more  than  another  it 
is  a  pussy  corpse.  It  is  bad  enough  to  have  a 
fat  person  about  you  while  living,  but  when  they 
come  to  peter  out  it's  worse, — you  can't  chuck 
them  under  the  ground  too  quick.  I  had  the  old 
emblem  of  mortality  packed  away  in  an  ice  chest 
for  three  weeks,  waiting  for  his  wife  to  come 
down  from  the  Mountains  to  attend  the  funeral, 
but  she  finally  sent  down  word  that  she  had  got 
married  again,  and  if  she  knew  the  duties  of  a 
wife — and  she  thought  she  did — her  place  was 
alongside  of  a  living  husband  rather  than  traip- 
sing after  a  dead  one.  Oh !  these  women  are 
terribly  slippery  sweetmeats  the  world  over. 
How  fast  they  get  over  anything,  crying  one 
minute  and  singing  the  next.  Well,  well,  I  often 
wonder  whether  they  have  the  genuine  feeling 
that  we  men  have. 

"'  Well,  business  is  business.    There — ^now  let 


2l6  FINAL    FAREWELLS. 

me  fold  your  arms  across  until  I  get  the  width  ; 
so  we  go,  so  we  go,  steady,  there  you  are,  that's 
it,  that's  the  posish  ;  natural  and  easy  as  death 
itself.  Whew  !  there  it  is  again,  never  knew  it 
to  fail,  follows  as  naturally  as  the  fruit  does  the 
blossom ;  broad  across  the  shoulders,  sure  sign 
of  consumption  ;  show  me  a  person  broader  at 
the  shoulders  than  at  the  hips  and  I  will  show 
you  an  individual  that  is  not  long  for  this  world  ; 
never  knew  a  person  of  that  build  that  didn't  die 
of  consumption;  never,  sir;  bound  to  cave,  no 
getting  around  or  climbing  over  it ;  might  as 
well  be  knocked  in  the  head  at  birth,  for  they  are 
sure  to  go  some  time. 

"  Well,  time  is  crowding,  I  must  be  off,  as  I've 
got  to  rustle  around  in  order  to  have  things 
ready  for  you.  I'll  expect  to  find  you  over  your 
troubles  in  the  morning,  so  I'll  say  good-bye  now, 
while  you  can  appreciate  it." 

Thus  did  the  inhuman  scoundrel  rattle  along 
while  his  poor  victim  lay  paralyzed  with  fear ; 
hope,  at  every  word  uttered  by  the  monster, 
deserting  his  breast,  and  despair  usurping  the 
vacant  seat.  With  gaping  mouth  and  wide  open 
eyes  he  watched  each  movement  of  the  under- 


DISAPPOINTED    HOPES.  217 

taker.  His  face  seemed  to  be  all  eyes  as  he 
stared  at  the  busding  trader  in  death. 

The  hope  of  the  visitor  was,  that  a  speedy- 
death  would  follow  this  disconsolate  harangue ; 
but  happy  to  relate,  patients  sometimes  recover 
after  doctors  have  devoted  them  to  the  yew-tree 
shade;  and  strange  as  it  may  seem,  the  patient 
in  question  suddenly  improved,  as  though  fright- 
ened by  the  undertaker  into  health  instead  of 
into  his  coffin. 

The  next  day  he  sat  up  in  bed.  On  the 
second  he  sat  by  the  window.  The  third  day  he 
took  an  airing  on  the  veranda,  and  passed  the 
time  of  day  with  the  undertaker  who  happened 
to  be  going  by.  In  ten  days  he  took  his  carpet- 
bag in  his  hand  and  bade  good-bye  to  both 
doctors  and  undertaker,  and  started  to  join  his 
friend  in  the  country. 


u 


SERMON  ON  A  PIN. 


r^IVE  me  that  simple  shining  pin, 

So  worthless  in  your  hand, 
Here  on  my  desk  a  place  to  win 

And  as  a  lesson  stand. 
Think  you  no  moral  may  be  found 

In  such  a  common  thing? 
That  Fancy  will  not  hover  'round 

And  apt  allusions  bring  ? 


The  Poet,  with  observing  eyes, 

Saw  sermons  in  a  stone ; 
So  in  this  pin  a  sermon  lies, 
Of  philosophic  tone. 
218 


219 


HEADS    OF   THE    SERMON. 

We  see  it  first,  where  placed  in  rows, 
The  pins  lie  side  and  side ; 

So  children,  wrapped  in  sweet  repose, 
In  peaceful  homes  reside. 

Soon  from  the  rest  it  travels  west, 

Or  east,  by  land  or  sea ; 
So  loving  households  part  in  quest 

Of  pleasure,  fame  or  fee. 
Observe  it  well,  with  sober  mind  ; 

The  head,  you  see,  is  flat ; 
Thus  many  heads  in  life  you'll  find, 

Beneath  a  stylish  hat. 


When  new,  how  perfect,  straight  and  neat, 

How  finished,  and  how  sound; 
So  stands  the  upright  man  complete, 

With  virtues  circled  'round. 
It  has  a  point,  and  mission,  too, 

'Tis  seldom  made  in  vain  ; 
So  men  should  have  a  point  in  view 

If  they  would  glory  gain. 

If  wrongly  placed  'twill  mar  your  thought. 

When  one  would  fain  be  still ; 
So  man,  if  badly  bred  or  taught. 

Will  treat  his  neighbor  ill. 
Its  life  of  constant  service  tends 

To  keep  it  clean  and  bright ; 
Thus  men  are  kept,  my  loving  friends, 

By  application,  right. 


220  POINTS    OF   THE    SERMON. 

'Tis  polished,  like  a  sword  or  spear, 

And  in  the  light  will  shine ; 
Thus  men  of  learning  do  appear, 

Where  wit  and  sense  combine. 
It  moves  around  from  coat  to  dress, 

As  trouble  one  befalls  ; 
Thus  men  should  hearken  to  distress, 

And  go  where  duty  calls. 

It  oft  assists  to  hide  one's  shame 

Till  needles  can  repair ; 
Thus  should  it  be  the  Christian's  aim 

To  cover  faults  with  care. 


If  once  'tis  sprung,  'twill  bend  each  day. 

And  is  no  longer  true ; 
So  thus  in  life,  one  step  astray 

Will  often  lead  to  two. 
When  bent,  and  blunt,  and  black  at  last. 

Who  stoops  to  lift  the  pin? 
So  thus  the  crowds  do  hurry  past 

The  crooked  slave  of  sin. 


^^te-^ 


-^-^^M^^^* 


DUDLEY'S  FIGHT  WITH  THE  TEXAN. 


T^HE  poor  cur,  kicked  and  scalded  during  the 
day,  at  night  can  He  and  Hck  his  sores  In 
peace.  The  scudding  hare  that  can  hold  out 
ahead  of  the  baying  beagles,  until  black  Hecate 
waves  her  wand  between  the  hunters  and  the 
hunted,  may  hope  to  shake  them  off.  The 
aeronaut,  tiring  of  the  clamor  here  below,  can 
rise  above  the  busy  haunts  of  men  and  hold 
sweet  communion  with  the  gods  in  quiet.  But 
I,  alas,  find  no  escape  from  the  inexorable 
plague,  "Jim  Dudley." 

He  comes  upon  me  like  a  thief  in  the  night 
and  mars  my  rest.  Within  the  holy  sanctuary 
even,  he  whispers  in  mine  ear.  Through  the 
busy  marts  and  thoroughfares  he  haunts  me 
still ;  and  tells  of  fights  and  hair-breadth  es- 
capes, with  all  the  glibness  of  an  old  battle- 
scarred  veteran  who  has  primed  his  firelock  in 
three  campaigns.     He  talks  of  drawing  deadly 


222  JIM    ON    THE    BORDER. 

weapons  as  a  dentist  would  of  drawing  teeth. 
In  all  likelihood  the  fellow  never  drew  a  weapon 
in  his  life,  except,  perhaps,  at  a  raffle.  I  had 
long  noticed  a  scar  on  "Jim's"  forehead,  but 
never  ventured  to  ask  him  how  he  got  it,  fearing 
a  story  would  follow.  Last  night  he  detected 
me  looking  inquiringly,  and  without  any  query 
on  my  part  the  following  infliction  fell  upon 
me  : — 

"  You  see  that  scar  that  looks  somethin'  like 
a  wrinkle,  over  my  left  eyebrow,  don't  ye? 
Wal,  you  can't  guess  how  I  come  by  that.  Cow 
kicked  me  ?  No,  not  by  a  long  chalk,  nor  a 
hoss  nuther.  I  got  that  scar  the  summer  I  was 
gwine  through  Texas.  I'll  not  forget  how  I  got 
it  nuther  in  a  hurry,  for  I  never  did  have  sech  a 
narrow  dodge  since  the  night  dad's  old  house 
burned  down  and  I  got  out  through  the  cellar 
drain. 

"  I  was  travelin'  towards  the  border  of  Texas, 
gwine  away  back  of  Waco,  and  arter  I  got  as 
far  as  cars  would  take  me  I  set  out  on  hossback. 
One  evenin,'  jest  as  I  was  gettin'  into  a  small 
village,  my  hoss  got  one  of  his  legs  into  a  hole 
in  the  road,  and  fallin'  over,  broke  it  snap  off 


A    RUNAWAY    EYE.  223 

below  the  knee.  I  felt  mi'ty  bad  over  it, 
because  I  didn't  have  any  too  much  money 
about  me  ;  but  I  had  to  leave  him  thar  and  go 
into  the  village  on  foot,  carryin'  the  saddle 
along,  for  I  cal'lated  to  git  another  animal  the 
next  day  and  continue  my  journey.  I  put  up 
for  the  night  at  a  small  hotel,  and  thar  was  quite 
a  number  of  fellers  a  settin'  around  the  bar-room 
talkin'  ;  but  amongst  'em  was  one  big,  ugly- 
looking  villain,  with  a  glass  eye  that  was  con- 
tinewally  droppin'  out  and  rollin'  across  the  floor 
like  a  marble.  Pupil  up  and  pupil  down,  it 
would  move  along  under  chairs  and  tables,  the 
most  comical  lookin'  thing  you  ever  sot  eyes 
on.  He  would  walk  after  the  truant,  glarin' 
around  with  the  other  eye  as  though  watchin 
to  see  if  anybody  was  laughin'  at  him.  Then 
he  would  pick  it  up  and  chuck  it  back  into  his 
head  ag'in,  as  if  it  was  a  pipe  that  had  dropped 
out  of  his  mouth. 

"  He  seemed  to  be  a  bully  amongst  'em,  for 
when  any  of  the  other  fellows  went  to  pass  they 
circled  around  him,  somethin'  like  a  woman 
around  a  boss  standin'  on  the  sidewalk.  I 
judged  by  that  they  were  skeered  of  him,  and 


224 


WATCHING    THE    BULLY. 


didn't  want  to  git  anywhere  near  his  corns  lest 
they  might  accidentally  touch  *em. 

*'  I  sat  thar  watchin'  of  him   for  some  time, 
and  at  last,  while  he  was  leanin'  on  the  counter 


^^- 


■"^^^:'^^^^^^" 


BILL  AFTER    HIS   GLASS   EYB. 


beatin*  time  with  his  fingers  on  top  of  it,  a 
feller  come  in  and  called  for  somethin'  to  drink. 
*'  The  bar-tender  gin  him  the  bottle  and  he 
poured  out  a  drink  and  left  the  glass  settin'  on 
the  counter,  while  he  turned  around  to  drop  his 


A    COOL    PROCEEDING.  225 

quid  of  terbacker.  As  he  was  doin'  it  the  big, 
buUy-lookin'  customer  h'isted  the  glass,  drained 
it  right  thar,  and  smacked  and  Hcked  his  hps 
arter  it  as  though  wishin'  thar  was  more  of  it, — 
somethin'  Hke  a  young  widder  arter  ye  give  her 
a  kiss. 

''The  feller  that  ordered  the  drink  turned 
back,  wipin'  his  mouth,  gettin'  ready  to  swaller. 
When  he  see  the  empty  glass  he  riz  up  sort  of 
indignantly,  and  was  agwine  to  say  or  do  some- 
thin',  but  when  he  see  who  it  was,  he  changed 
his  mind  pooty  sudden,  and  settlin'  down  about 
six  inches,  turned  around  and  jest  slid  away 
easy  like  out  of  the  room.  As  he  was  gwine 
out  I  could  see  his  ears  looked  as  though  they 
were  freezin',  for  they  were  gettin'  whiter  and 
whiter  as  he  moved  along  down  the  steps.  As 
I  was  thinkin'  about  it,  a  ministerial-lookin' 
m.an  come  edgin'  up  to  me  and  ses  : — 

"  '  You're  a  stranger  in  this  quarter,  I  believe, 
and  let  me  gin  you  a  litde  advice  ;  it  may  prove 
valuable  to  ye  before  you  git  away  from  yer.' 

'* '  Why,  what's  the  matter  ?'  I  asked,    won- 
derin'  what  he  was  comin'  at,  '  have  you  got  the 
smallpox  in  the  house?'  I  contin'ed. 
15 


2  26  NOT    A    DESIRABLE    JOB. 

"  *  Smallpox  !'  he  answered.  '  Wuss  nor 
that,  stranger  ;  for  the  love  of  peace,'  he  con- 
tin'ed,  '  keep  clear  of  that  feller  at  the  counter. 
Let  him  hev  his  way.  You  mout  as  well  under- 
take to  cross  a  crater  as  him  in  any  of  his  bul- 
lyin'  tantrums.  Now  mind  I'm  tellin'  ye.  If 
his  eye  falls  out,  don't  laugh  at  it,  don't  betray 
yer  emotions. 

'' '  If  he  steps  on  yer  corns,  take  it  as  if  old 
Jupiter  hisself  had  reached  down  his  foot  and 
trod  on  ye,  and  you'll  come  out  of  it  better  than 
if  you  did  object,  a  mi'ty  sight/ 

"  '  Who  is  he  ?'  I  inquired. 

"  '  Why,  that's  Bill  Cranebow, — Glass-eyed 
Bill,  they  call  him.  He's  had  more  fights  over 
that  glass  eye  of  his'n  than  ever  a  dog  had 
over  a  sheep's  shank. 

'^ '  Everybody's  afeared  of  him.  They  hate 
him  wuss  than  a  lawyer  does  a  peacemaker. 
No  one  who  knows  him  wants  to  undertake  the 
job  of  gettin'  away  with  him  ;  they'd  ruther  let 
it  out  to  strangers.  Oh !  he's  lightnin'  at  a 
fight,  for  all  he  looks  so  clumsy.  What  the 
butcher  is  with  the  cleaver,  that  Glass-eyed  Bill 
is  with  the  bowie-knife.     He  knows  jest  where 


BILL    KNOWS    HOW    TO    CARVE. 


227 


to  Strike  to  open  a  jint  or  git  betwixt  two  ribs. 
You'd  think  to  see  him  at  it,  he  had  practiced 
for  twenty  years  with  some  old  doctor,  by  the 
way  he  can  disarrange  the  '*  house  we  Hve  in," 
as  the  poet  ses.' 


THE   MINISTERIAL    LOOKING    MAN. 


''*WaI,  that's  sort  of  curious/  I  ses;  'ain't 
thar  no  person  around  this  section  that  has  had 
any  experience  at  the  cuttin'  business  ?  He's 
only  human,  I  reckon.     If  he  gits  a  poke  be- 


2  28  bill's  dark  room. 

tween  wind  and  water  he's  as  likely  to  wilt  as 
anybody  else,  isn't  he  ?'  I  ses,  jokin'ly,  jest  that 
way. 

"* Thunder  and  mud!'  exclaimed  the  minis- 
terial-lookin'  man.  'You've  bin  used  to  fightin' 
with  women,  I  reckon.  Lose  his  strength? 
You  mout  as  well  try  to  kill  the  strength  of  a 
red  pepper  cuttin'  it  up,  as  that  feller.  Why, 
I've  seen  that  Glass-eyed  Bill  in  some  of  his 
fights  yer,  when  he  was  so  cut  and  slashed 
apart  that  you  could  see  his  in'ards  workin'  like 
a  watch.  And  I'll  be  called  a  down-east  noodle, 
if  he  didn't  stand  up  to  his  work  like  a  barber 
until  he  got  through  with  his  man.  He  likes  to 
fight  in  a  dark  room  best,  though,  'cause  thar's 
no  chance  of  gittin'  on  the  blind  side  of  him 
thar ;  and  the  landlord  not  long  ago  fixed  up 
one  on  purpose  to  accommodate  him,  he  had  so 
much  fightin'  to  do.  He'll  work  a  quarrel  out 
of  the  least  thing.  Laughin'  at  his  eye  rollin' 
off  is  as  certain  a  way  of  gettin'  into  trouble  as 
runnin'  ag'inst  a  wasp's  nest. 

"  '  Though  he  smokes  like  a  coalpit  himself,  I 
knowed  him  to  pick  a  quarrel  with  a  young 
Georgian  and  kill  him,  because  he  happened  to 


BILL   CARVES    A    TUSCALOOSAN.  IIC^ 

send  a  whiff  of  smoke  in  the  direction  whar  he 
was    settin'.      Ever    since    that,    whenever    he 
comes    into    the    room,    you'll    see    the    fellers 
a  pluckin'  and  a-snappin'  thar  pipes  out  of  thar 
mouths  and  crammin'  'em  into  thar  pockets  or 
under  thar  coat-tails — ^any where  to  git  'em  out 
of  sight,  like    boys  who   are  jest  learnin'   the 
habit  when  they  sight  thar  dad  a-comin'  along. 
''  'Take  my  advice  and  keep  away  from  him, 
for   he's   dead    certain    to    pick    a    muss    with 
strangers,  as  they  ginnerally  resent  his  insults. 
Plague  on  him!'  he  contin'ed,  4  wish  he'd  go 
away  from  the  door,  I  want  to  git  out ;  but  it's 
not   good    policy  to   go    a-scrougin'   past  him 
while  he's  lookin'  so  alfired  glum.'     With  that 
the  old  man  went  quiedy  over  to  a  cheer  in  the 
corner  and  sat  down — somethin'  the  same  as  a 
monkey  does  when  a  larger  one  is  dropped  into 
the  cage. 

"  I  went  to  bed  pooty  early  that  night,  as  I 
was  plaguey  tired.  In  the  mornin'  I  learned 
thar  had  been  a  fight  in  the  dark  room  betwixt 
Glass-eyed  Bill  and  a  Tuscaloosan.  Bill,  as 
usual,  had  killed  his  man.  I  began  to  wonder 
whether  I'd  git  into   some  scrape   or  another 


2  2,0  A    MULE    BREEDS   TROUBLE. 

before  I'd  leave,  and  as  there  was  to  be  an 
auction  sale  of  horses  and  mules  that  mornin' 
right  thar  at  the  hotel,  I  concluded  to  make  a 
purchase  and  git  away  as  soon  as  possible. 

''  I  bid  two  or  three  times  on  horses,  but  they 
run  'em  up  too  high.  At  last  they  fetched  out 
a  big  mule,  and  thinkin'  that  would  be  jest  the 
thing,  I  went  for  him  pooty  strong,  and  suc- 
ceeded in  gettin'  him.  Glass-eyed  Bill  had 
bin  settin'  on  the  door  step  thar,  and  didn't  seem 
to  be  takin'  any  part  in  the  biddin' ;  but  when  I 
went  to  lead  the  mule  off,  he  hollered : — 

"'Whar  are  ye  a-gwine  with  that  critter? 
Leave  him  standin'  thar,  please  ;  I  kin  attend 
to  him  myself,  I  reckon.' 

"'WaV  ses  I,  jest  slow  and  easy,  that  way, 
for  I  wanted  to  keep  down  my  rizin'  temper, 
knowin'  what  I  was  when  I  got  mad,  *if  I'm  any 
judge  of  auctioneerin',  the  mule  is  mine,  and  I 
cal'late  to  lead  him  away  when  and  whar  I 
please.* 

"Just  then  the  same  old  ministerial-lookin' 
man  come  chuckin'  and  pullin'  at  my  coat,  and 
ses  he,  'I'm  takin'  ruinous  risks  in  speakin'  to 
ye  now,'   he  ses;    'but  I   tell  ye  again,  don't 


BY-STANDER3    SMELL    DANGER.  23 1 

cross  him  ;  let  him  have  the  mule,  or  you'll 
expire  quicker  than  a  spark  when  it  drops  into 
a  b'ilin'  pot.  He  doesn't  want  the  mule  no 
more  than  a  husband  wants  two  mothers-in-law; 
but  he's  jest  pinin'  to  git  ye  into  a  muss,  and  he 
doesn't  see  any  way  of  doin'  it  without  he  dis- 
putes the  mule  with  ye.  Let  him  have  it,  or 
it'll  be  wuss  for  ye  ;  now  mind  what  I'm  tellin' 
ye; 

''*No,  I'll  be  shot  if  I  will!'  I  answered. 
*  He  ain't  a-gwine  to  wipe  his  hoofs  on  me  until 
— arter  I'm  dead,  anyhow.'  And  with  that  I 
began  to  move  away  with  the  critter,  when 
Glass-eyed  Bill  jumped  up  from  whar  he  was 
settin'  and  shouted  pooty  snappishly  like,  'Hold 
on  thar  !  drop  that  rope,  unless  you  want  to 
collapse  so  quick  that  one-half  of  ye  will  be  in 
etarnity  before  the  other  half  knows  thar's  any- 
thin'  amiss.' 

"  '  On  what  groun's  do  ye  claim  the  critter? ' 
I  asked,  jest  a-b'ilin'  inside,  but  keepin'  sort  of 
cool  outwardly. 

" '  Words  doesn't  amount  to  a  woman's 
sneeze  in  setdin'  a  matter  of  this  kind,'  an- 
swered old  Glass-eye. 


2  7,2  bill's    big   BOWIE-KNIFE. 

"  '  What  does,  then  ? '  I  inquired,  quite  inno- 
cent Hke,  as  though  I  didn't  know  what  he 
meant;  though  I  did  know  sure  enuff  what  he 
was  drivin'  at/ 

" '  This  does  !  '  he  answered,  rizin'  up  and 
puttin'  his  hand  behind  him,  as  I  do  now,  and 
jerkin'  out  a  rippin'  great  knife  about  as  big  as  the 
colter  of  a  plow.  '  That's  the  sort  of  a  thing  to 
setde  disputes  with.  No  gendeman  will  argue 
a  case  while  he's  got  an  arbiter  like  that  to  leave 
it  to,'  he  contin'ed,  a-slappin'  it  down  flatways 
into  the  palm  of  his  left  hand  as  he  spoke,  and 
bringin'  an  echo  from  an  old  barn  that  stood 
near. 

"  I  see  the  bystanders  began  to  turn  pale  as 
whitewashed  chimneys,  and  commenced  lookin' 
at  the  ground  as  though  hundn'  for  straws  or 
splinters  to  pick  thar  teeth  with,  but  they  only 
wanted  some  excuse  to  git  away. 

"  '  Supposin'  I  should  pull  out  a  knife  about 
seventeen  inches  and  a  half  long,'  I  ses,  jest  that 
way,  '  what  then  ? ' 

'"It's  jest  exactly  the  thing  I  want  to  see,'  he 
answered  quickly.  '  A  young  mother  was  never 
more  tickled  when  she  discovered  the  fust  tooth 


THE  DARK  ROOM  ENGAGED.        233 

a-peepin'  out  of  her  young  un's  gums,  than  I 
am  when  I  see  a  knife  comin'  out  of  its  sheath 
in  a  feller's  hand.' 

Wal,  I  reckon  you  must  have  been  brought 
up  in  a  fightin'  settlement,'  I  ses,  jest  like  that, 
for  I  couldn't  hardly  keep  from  jokin',  he  seemed 
so  amazin'  eag-er. 

'' '  Come,  which'll  ye  do  ?  gin  up  the  mule  or 
fight?  You've  got  to  do  one  or  t'other,'  he  ses, 
Impatlendy,  as  he  stooped  to  pick  up  his  glass 
eye,  which  jest  then  dropped  out  and  was  a-rollin' 
under  the  hoss  trough. 

'''Wal,'  I  ses,  'I  ain't  perticularly  stuck  arter 
fightin',  but  it's  bad  enough  for  a  feller  to  squirt 
his  terbacker  juice  onto  you,  without  wantin'  to 
rub  it  in ;  and  if  it'll  be  any  accommodation  to 
ye,  I'll  fight  fust  and  then  take  the  mule  arter- 
wards/ 

'"Enough  sed,'  he  answered,  just  short  that 
way;  and  then  turnin'  to  the  landlord  who  was 
standin'  in  the  door,  he  asked,  '  Is  the  dark  room 
ready  for  use  ? ' 

"  '  No,  not  quite,  he  answered  ;  '  thar's  some 
pieces  of  that  long  Tuscaloosan  lyin'  around  in 
thar  yet,  I  believe,  but  I'll  attend  to  removin' 


234 


SHARPENING   THE   TOOLS. 


them   right  away,'   and    he   started   off  with  a 
bucket  and  dustpan. 

"  So  we  all  went  into  the  bar-room,  and  staid 


STARTLING    DISCLOSURES. 


round  thar  waitin'  until  the  place  would  be  pre- 
pared. While  we  were  thar,  Glass-eyed  Bill 
pulled  out  his  knife,  and  commenced  to  draw  it 


A    MANY-RIBBED    TUSCALOOSAN.  2 35 

backwards  and  forwards  over  his  boot-leg,   as 
though  to  git  a  fine  edge  on  it. 

"  '  Wal,  you  can  whet  your  great  scythe  blade,' 
I  ses  to  myself,  kind  of  low  that  way,  for  I  allowed 
he  was  doin'  it  to  skeer  me.  'It  ain't  allers  the 
longest  horned  cow  that  does  the  most  hookin'. 
Prehaps  my  old  terbacker  shaver  has  got  p'int 
enough  on  it  to  inaugurate  a  new  passage  to  the 
interior  if  it  won't  cut  a  har.' 

*'Arter  a  while  he  leaned  over  to  a  feller 
that  sat  by  the  table,  and  while  runnin'  his 
thumb  sort  of  feelin'ly  along  the  edge  of  the 
knife,  he  ses  :  '  The  man  I  bought  this  from  in 
Galveston  assured  me  It  was  the  best  of  steel ; 
but  he  lied,  I  reckon,  for  I  turned  the  edge  of  it 
last  night  on  that  long  Tuscaloosan's  ribs.  Yet 
that's  not  to  be  much  wondered  at,  arter  all,  for 
I  do  believe  he  had  as  many  ribs  as  a  snake.  I 
thought  I  never  would  succeed  in  gettin'  the 
blade  betwixt  'em.  Arter  I  got  him  down  in 
the  corner  and  his  knife  away  from  him,  I  com- 
menced jabbin'  at  his  armpit,  and  I  prospected 
the  hull  way  down  to  his  kidney,  before  I  could 
git  in  far  enough  to  let  his  dinner  loose.' 

*'  Gewillikins !  when  I  heered  him  talkin'  like 


236  JIM    GETS    FIDGETY. 

that,  didn't  I  begin  to  squirm  and  fidget  around 
on  my  cheer !  I  wished  then  I  had  never  seen 
the  place,  more  especially  the  long-eared  mule. 
But  I  see  I  was  in  for  it,  as  the  boy  said  when 
he  got  his  head  stuck  in  the  cream  jar.  Thar 
was  no  way  of  gittin'  out  without  comin'  right 
down  to  beggin'  off,  and  I  was  too  consumin' 
proud  to  do  that,  you  know,  if  I  was  sartain  of 
bein'  cut  up  into  as  many  pieces  as  a  boardin'- 
house  pie. 

"  Jest  then  the  landlord  came  back  and  sed 
the  room  was  ready,  but  remarked  that  it  was 
a  leetle  slippery  yet.  He  sed,  for  a  lean  man  he 
never  did  see  a  feller  that  had  so  much  blood 
into  him  as  that  Tuscaloosan  had.  Beckonin' 
me  to  the  counter  he  ses : — 

"'You  mout  as  well  setde  your  bill  now 
before  you  go  in  thar ;  it  may  be  more  satis- 
factory to  you  to  have  the  setdin'  of  your  own 
affairs,  and  it'll  save  me  the  trouble  of  huntin' 
over  your  effects  arter  you're  dead.' 

*''A11  right,'  I  ses,  'now,  if  you  say  so;  but 
it's  ginnerally  admitted  that  sure  things  some- 
times git  mi'ty  slippery  all  to  wunst,  and  per- 
haps somebody's  goggles   may  prove  blue  in 


IN    THE    DARK    ROOM.  237 

the  mornin'   that  were  bought  for  green   uns 
at  night.* 

"I  didn't  want  to  let  any  of  'em  think  I  was 
skeered,  though,  by  jingo!  I  felt  sartin  of  bein' 
minced  up,  and  the  cold  chills  were  jest  streakin' 
all  over  me. 

'*  So  we  started  for  the  room,  which  was  about 
twelve  feet  square  and  dark  as  pitch. 

''The  landlord  held  the  door  open  until  we 
were  in  opposite  corners  with  our  knives  out. 
Then  he  shut  and  locked  it  and  left  us  to  work 
out  our  own  salvation,  as  the  missionary  did  the 
South  Sea  Islanders  when  he  overheerd  'em 
talkin'  about  the  best  way  of  cookin'  him  the 
next  mornin'. 

''Wasn't  it  dark  in  thar  though?  and  still? 
you  could  have  heered  a  lizard  a-breathin'  in 
thar,  it  was  so  quiet. 

"  I  allowed  Glass-eyed  Bill  was  expectin'  that 
I  would  go  ashufflin'  and  a-huntin'  around  for 
him,  but  I  had  no  sich  foolish  notion.  I  cal'lated 
if  thar  was  any  findin'  to  be  done  he'd  have  to 
do  it,  for  I  was  detarmined  to  stand  right  thar 
till  I'd  drop  in  my  tracks  before  I'd  go  a-s'archin' 
around  for  him. 


238  BILL    DIES    HARD. 

"  I  commenced  breathin'  about  twice  a  min- 
ute, and  not  makin'  any  more  fioise  at  it  than  a 
wall-bue,  nuther.  But  for  all  that  I  heered  him 
a-movin'  over  towards  me.  I'll  allers  think  that 
Cranebow  had  a  nose  onto  him  like  a  setter 
dog,  for  he  somehow  or  another  got  right  over 
thar  whar  I  was  standin'.  Pooty  soon  I  felt 
somethin'  a-stingin'  along  my  forehead  thar, 
and  I  suspected  at  once  that  it  was  the  knife 
that  was  feelin'  around  for  me  ;  so  I  reckoned 
it  wouldn't  be  long  until  he  was  a-proddin'  of  it 
somewhere  else,  and  like  the  boy  with  the 
candy  bag,  I  cal'lated  the  fust  poke  was  every- 
thin'  ;  so  I  made  one  sudden  and  detarmined 
plunge  and  a  sort  of  upward  rip,  at  the  same 
time,  cal'latin'  to  do  all  the  damage  I  could  right 
at  once  while  I  was  about  it. 

''He  heered  me  start,  and  thought  to  squat 
down  before  I  got  the  knife  into  him  I  reckon. 
Though  his  intentions  were  good  he  only  spread 
the  disaster,  like  the  gal  who  tried  to  put  the 
fire  out  with  the  corn  broom,  for  as  he  was 
ofwine  down  the  knife  was  rizin',  and  the  result 
was  truly  astonishin'.  I'll  be  smashed  if  he 
didn't  fly  open  from  eend  to  eend  like  a  ripe 


THE    LANDLORD    DISAPPOINTED.  239 

pea  pod.  It  was  done  so  alfired  quick  too, 
that  he  didn't  realize  how  bad  he  was  hurt 
I  think.  Ses  he,  'We'll  try  that  over  ag'in, 
stranger.'  As  he  spoke,  he  started  to  git  up, 
but  fell  away  seemin'ly  in  two  different  direc- 
tions. 

*' '  Not  on  this  side,  we  won't,'  I  ses,  as  I  went 
huntin'  around  for  the  door. 

*'  I  was  surprised  as  much  as  him  at  the  way 
things  had  turned  out,  for  when  I  stepped  into 
that  room  I  looked  on  it  as  steppin'  Into  another 
world.  When  the  door  was  found  I  commenced 
knockin',  and  pooty  soon  the  landlord  came 
and  opened  it.  He  couldn't  see  me  at  fust,  but 
allowed  it  was  the  bully  that  was  thar,  of  course, 
and  ses  he  : — 

"  '  You  made  pooty  quick  work  of  it  this  time  ; 
that  feller  won't  want  to  buy  any  more  mules 
arter  this,  I  take  it.' 

"  '  No,'  ses  I,  steppin'  out,  '  nor  claim  a  critter 
that  doesn't  belong  to  him  nuther.' 

** '  What !'  he  cried,  jumpin'  back  with  a  look 
upon  his  face  that  told  me  at  once  he  was  mi'ty 
displeased  at  the  way  things  war  developin',  '  is 
it  you  ?  whar's  Glass-eyed  Bill  ?'  he  contin'ed, 


240  SCATTERED    HOPES. 

shadin'  his  eyes  with  his  hand  and  peerln'  into 
the  darkness. 

''  '  He's  lyin'  around  in  thar  somewhar,'  I  an- 
swered careless  Hke,  jest  that  way.  '  The  head- 
half  of  him  is  nigh  the  door  here,  paralyzed,  I 
reckon,  but  the  leg  part  is  somewhere  over  in 
the  corner  thar  whar  ye  hear  the  kickin'  ;  you 
mout  as  well  be  gettin'  yer  bucket  and  dust-pan 
ready,  for  you'll  have  quite  a  job  gettin'  all  the 
pieces  together  ag'in,  I'm  thinkin','  I  continued, 
just  that  indifferent  way,  and  walkin'  out  towards 
the  bar-room  as  I  spoke. 

"  You  never  did  see  a  feller  so  set  back  in 
your  life.  He  looked  at  me  as  though  I  had  as 
many  heads  onto  me  as  the  beast  we  read 
about  in  the  Scripters.  I'll  allers  believe  that 
he  was  in  cahoot  with  old  Glass-eye,  and  jist 
kept  him  thar  to  pick  quarrels  with  strangers 
so  they  could  have  the  pickin'  over  of  thar 
effects. 

"  Arter  washin'  my  hands  and  plasterin'  up  the 
cut  on  my  forehead  a  little,  I  went  out  and  sad- 
dled the  mule,  and  the  crowd  all  came  out  to 
see  me  gwine  off  I  reckon  if  I  had  stopped  in 
the  village  I  could  have  had  things  about  my 


JIM    RIDES    OFF    TRIUMPHANTLY. 


241 


own  way  for  some  time.  Before  I  rode  off  I 
turned  round  to  'em  and  ses  : — 

''  '  When  you  git  so  frightened  of  a  bully 
ag'in  that  you  daren't  sneeze  within  forty  feet 
of  him,  jest  send  for  me,  and  I'll  open  him  up 
ready  for  saltin'  while  you'd  be  wipin'  your 
mouth.' 

"  With  that  I  rode  off,  and  left  'em  all  starin' 
at  each  other,  and  then  arter  me,  as  though  won- 
derin'  who  or  what  I  was,  anyhow." 


'^'Mh 


16 


ROLLER  SKATING. 


/^H!  skating,  roller  skating  now,  of  pastimes  tak^s 

^-^  the  lead ; 

No  more  we  take  the  moonlight  sail,  or  mount  the 

prancing  steed, 
No  more  to  fair,  or  carnival,  no  more  to  masquerade, 
No  more  along  the  lengthy  bridge,   the  thousands 

promenade. 
No  more  we  see  Othello  rave,  and  roll  his  jealous 

eyes. 
Or  Hamlet  leaping  in  the  grave,  where  loved  Ophelia 

lies, 
Or  see  the  boasting  Falstaff  sheath  his  blade  in  Percy's 

corse. 
Or  hear  the  baffled  Richard  shout,  "  My  kingdom  for 

a  horse  ! " 
In  vain  the  minstrels  shake  the  bones,  and  tell  the 

funny  tale, 
Their  blazoned  bill,  or  blatant  band,  to  draw  the  pub- 
lic fail ; 
242 


GRACE    EMBODIED.  243 

For  those,  who  still  their  millions  hide,  and  those  at 
ruin's  brink, 

Alike  throw  business  cares  aside,  and  hasten  to  the 
Rink. 

Talk  of  your  bounding  horseback  rides,  or  of  the 
grace  indeed 

A  maiden  shows  when  she  bestrides  the  frail  veloci- 
pede; 

I  charge  ye,  if  you'd  see  a  maid  when  graceful  she 
appears, 

Go  see  her  on  the  roller  skates,  as  round  the  Rink  she 
steers. 


A  TERRIBLE  NOSE. 


T  WAS  to-day  brought  in  contact  with  an  old 
gentleman  named  Bickerstaff,  who  keeps  a 
crockery  store  in  the  village  where  I  am  visit- 
ing. This  Bickerstaff  is  the  unfortunate  pos- 
sessor of  the  queerest-looking  nose  I  have  yet 
encountered. 

It  was   not  the   original   intention   of  Provi- 
dence that  he  should  follow  such  a  proboscis 


244 


AN    UNFORTUNATE    STRIKE. 


through  life,  for  there  was  a  time  when  he,  like 
other  men,  had  a  forerunner  ornamental  as 
well  as  useful.  But  through  an  accident,  the 
nose  he  now  bears  in  all  its  deformity  was 
shoved  upon  him. 

It  seems  one  day,  while  furiously  pursuing  a 
little  urchin  who  had  mischievously  put  a  stone 


BUSTING  HIS  BUGLE. 


through  a  glass  jar  by  the  door,  he  ran  his  face 
against  the  end  of  a  scantling  a  boy  was  carry- 
ing past  on  his  shoulder,  and  set  his  nose  well 
up  on  his  forehead  in  a  triangular  lump. 

Strange  to  say,  no  inducements  that  the  sur- 
geon could  hold  out  served  to  coax  it  back  to 


WIFE   SUES   FOR   A   DIVORCE.  245 

Its  former  position.  His  wife,  who  was  young, 
and  rather  prepossessing  in  appearance,  worried 
terribly  about  It.  She  finally  left  him,  and  went 
to  live  with  her  mother,  and  immediately  set 
about  obtaining  a  divorce  from  him. 

She  would,  In  all  probability,  have  obtained 
it,  if  she  had  not  died  before  the  case  was  prop- 
erly laid  before  the  commissioners  ;  because  she 
was  capable  of  doing  better,  and  when  you 
come  to  see  the  nose  with  which  she  wished  to 
sever  her  connections,  you  could  hardly  blame 
her.  Old  BIckerstaff,  to  tell  the  honest  truth, 
did  look  like  the  very  old  Nick  in  masquerade 
costume. 

His  nose,  as  It  reposed  between  his  eye- 
brows, displayed  an  enormous  pair  of  nostrils 
large  as  front-door  keyholes.  At  a  short  dis- 
tance a  person  would  think  he  had  four  eyes  In 
his  head.  He  was  the  living  terror  of  the 
school  children  who  daily  passed  his  place  of 
business.  They  either  scurried  past  on  the 
run,  or  with  their  hands  over  their  eyes. 

Even  among  creeping  Infants  —  who  had 
often  shrunk  back  from  the  threshold  as  old 
BIckerstaff  passed  the  door — he  was  known  as 


246  TOO    MUCH    FOR   THE    DOGS. 

the  Boo  ;  and  there  was  no  danger  of  them 
crawling  into  the  street  while  he  remained  in 
the  vicinity. 

Nervously-inclined  women  also  avoided  him. 
They  would  cut  across  the  road  when  they  saw 
him  coming  toward  them,  or  turn  back,  feeling 
their  pockets  as  though  they  had  forgotten 
something,  and  hurry  back  to  go  round  some 
other  way. 

Dogs  never  barked  at  him.  If  they  happened 
to  be  engaged  in  that  pastime  when  he  hove  in 
sight,  they  would  slope  off  the  demonstration 
into  a  yelp.  And  as  if  they  had  suddenly  recol- 
lected that  they  were  wanted  at  home  about 
that  time,  they  tucked  their  tails  between 
their  legs  and  dusted  away  at  a  lively  rate. 
Hitched  horses  even  snorted  lustily  and  pulled 
hard  upon  their  halters  when  old  Bickerstaff 
shuffled  by. 

The  old  gentleman  had  a  pew  in  the  church 
directly  in  front  of  the  pulpit,  and  the  first  time 
he  attended  divine  worship  after  his  nose  had 
been  set  up,  he  threw  the  minister  out  of  his 
discourse  altogether.  He  couldn't  keep  run  of 
what  he  wanted  to  say,  no  way  he  could  fix  it. 


DEMORALIZES   THE    MINISTER.  247 

He  had  Jonah  swallowing  the  whale,  instead  of 
the  whale  doing  the  job  for  Jonah. 

No  matter  how  much  he  endeavored  to  keep 
his  eyes  in  some  other  direction,  they  would 
invariably  wander  back  to  rest  upon  that  terrible 
sight,  and  then  he  would  be  off  the  track  again 
in  a  twinkling.  The  next  day  the  trustees  of 
the  church  waited  on  Bickerstaff,  and  in  the 
most  polite  manner  possible  requested  him  to 
exchange  his  pew  for  one  farther  removed 
from  the  pulpit. 

The  old  fellow — who,  by  the  way,  had  consid- 
erable temper — flew  off  the  handle  at  once,  and 
in  the  most  unchristian-like  language  denounced 
the  church  and  the  doctrine  that  would  draw 
the  line  of  demarkation  between  fair  faces  and 
plain. 

He  informed  the  trustees  if  the  parson 
didn't  like  the  looks  of  "his  congregation,  he 
could  turn  his  pulpit  around  facing  the  other 
way.  Yet,  though  he  was  rough  in  his  speech, 
and  given  to  storming  considerably  when  his 
pride  was  touched,  he  was  not  altogether  lack- 
ing in  those  qualities  which  go  far  to  make  up 
your  real  man  ;  and  when  the  trustees  offered 


248  A    COMPROMISE. 

to  give  him  the  side  pew  rent  free,  his  voice  at 
once  grew  low,  and  In  a  becoming  manner  he 
accepted  the  situation.  After  that,  things  were 
not  quite  as  bad.  The  minister  occasionally  got 
a  quartering  view  of  him,  but  the  odd-look- 
ing disfigurement  didn't  strike  him  with  full  force. 
Still,  I  was  informed,  the  Reverend  gentleman's 
discourse  was  principally  addressed  to  the  hear- 
ers on  the  other  side  of  the  church,  thereafter. 

But — to  his  credit  be  It  mentioned — he  always 
turned  in  the  direction  of  old  BIckerstaff  when 
he  closed  his  eyes  In  prayer. 


A  MASKED  BATTERY. 


T   LEARN   by  an   evening  paper  that  an  old 

lady  In   the   lower  part  of  the  city  to-day, 

while  burning  some  cast-off  garments,  threw  an 

old  vest  belonorlne  to  her  son-in-law  Into  the  fire- 

o       o 

place.  A  Remington  rifle  cartridge  happened 
to  be  slumbering  In  one  of  the  pockets.  It 
awakened,  and  therefrom  hangs  a  piece  of  crape. 

This  draws  me  on  to  fasten  upon  paper  an 
Incident  that  happened  In  the  mountains  some 
years  ago.  I  was  spending  a  few  days  In  the 
mines  at  the  time,  with  a  friend  named  Colyer, 
who  was  working  a  claim  back  of  Sonora. 

He  had  three  partners   In  the  concern.     One 

was  an  old  fellow  named  Twitchell,  who  at  some 

time  In  his  life  had  been  a  judge  In  a  supreme 

court  in    one    of   the    Southwestern    States — I 

forget  which.     At  all   events,  they  called  him 

"Judge,"  and  he  bore  the  title  with  becoming 

dignity. 

249 


250 


THE    PARTNERS. 


Another  was  a  dark-looking,  one-eyed  Swede, 
who  wore  a  large  green  patch  over  the  empty 
socket.  This  seemed  to  add  a  double  brilliancy 
and  fire  to  the  other  optic,  and  gave  to  him 
rather  a  ferocious  appearance.  He  would  have 
passed  anywhere  for  a  buccaneer  of  at  least  fif- 


THE   ONE-EYED  SWEDE. 

ceen  years'  cruising.  Yet  he  was  quite  a  mild 
and  peaceable  man,  for  all  his  demoniacal 
aspect.  The  third  was  a  Vermonter,  named 
Theodore  Arthur  Willoughby  Spooner,  called 
Spoon,  for  short.  They  occupied  a  small  log 
cabin  near  their  claim,  and  were  like  miners 
generally,  hopeful,  if  not  happy. 


A   WHOLE    BATTERY.  2^1 

One  evening  Theodore  Arthur  Willoughby 
Spooner  was  rummaging  over  some  old  articles 
left  in  the  cabin  by  a  former  occupant.  Among 
them  he  found  an  odd-looking  pistol  which  the 
rust  of  years  had  rendered  worthless.  The 
weapon  was  an  uncommon  one.  I  never  saw 
anything  like  it  before  or  since,  and  it  is  my 
daily  prayer  that  I  never  may.  It  was  a  ten- 
shooter  ;  with  nine  chambers  for  bullets,  and  a 
tenth  and  larger  barrel  for  throwing  buckshot, 
slugs,  walnuts,  small  onions,  or  potatoes.  In 
fact  it  was  capable  of  receiving  almost  anything 
not  exceeding  a  billiard  ball  in  size.  Such  an 
awe-inspiring  shooting  iron  would  be  invaluable 
to  a  footpad  or  road  agent.  It  was  particularly 
suited  for  men  of  this  stripe  ;  for  the  man  who 
would  not  blanch,  settle  down  on  his  knees  and 
surrender  up  his  valuables  when  that  battery 
was  leveled  at  his  head,  must  be  brave  indeed. 

After  we  had  examined  it  for  some  time  and 
vainly  endeavored  to  raise  the  hammer,  the  one- 
eyed  Swede  took  it.  In  trying  to  revolve  the 
chambers  he  dropped  it  unswervingly  upon 
Judge  Twitchell's  favorite  corn.  It  weighed 
about  as  much  as  a  good-sized  anvil,  and  no 


252  BADLY   LOCATED. 

person  who  had  experienced  the  peculiar  sen- 
sation that  shoots  along  the  nerves  from  an 
injured  corn,  could  blame  the  Judge  for  indulg- 
ing in  a  little  profanity  about  that  time. 

Smarting  under  the  contusion  he  grabbed  the 
instrument  and  in  an  erring  moment  flung  it 
into  the  fire. 

Not  a  man  of  that  little  assemblage  but  would 
have  given  his  day's  pan-out  to  have  the  pistol 
out  of  the  flames  again  ;  but  neither  wished  to 
assume  the  responsibility  of  poking  for  it.  The 
confounded  thing  hadn't  been  fully  canvassed, 
and  we  didn't  know  whether  or  not  it  was  loaded 
or  which  way  it  was  aiming.  It  might  be  point- 
ing out  at  the  door,  or  up  the  chimney,  or  it 
might  be  leveled  at  a  fellow's  very  vitals  ;  there 
was  a  sort  of  creeping  uncertainty  about  the 
whole  thing  that  was  calculated  to  inspire  solemn 
and  serious  reflection,  and  make  us  sit  uneasily 
upon  our  stools. 

We  were  not  long  in  doubt,  however,  for  in 
ten  seconds  after  the  villainous-looking  mitrail- 
leuse setded  into  the  glowing  embers,  there  was 
no  foot  of  space,  no  nook  or  corner  within  the 
wooden  walls  of  that  humble  dwelling,  that  was 


FIRING    ALONG   THE    WHOLE    LINE.  253 

a  good  place  for  a  man  to  be  who  was  not  fully 
prepared  to  exchange  worlds. 

File  firing  commenced  on  the  right  of  the  fire- 
place, under  cover  of  burning  brands.  There 
was  a  sharp  report,  a  cloud  of  ashes  and  a 
shower  of  coals,  and  amid  the  general  din  the 
stem  and  bowl  of  the  meerschaum  in  the  teeth 
of  Theodore  Arthur  Willoughby  Spooner  dis- 
solved partnership  at  once  and  forever. 

At  the  same  instant  the  old  water  pitcher 
jumped  from  the  table  mortally  wounded  in  the 
abdomen. 

Durinof  the  next  few  moments  there  was  ex- 
traordinary  ground  and  lofty  tumbling  inside 
the  cabin. 

Not  because  I  was  possessed  of  greater  fear, 
or  less  courage,  than  any  of  the  party,  but 
because  I  felt  that  I  had  more  to  live  for,  I  was 
the  first  to  reach  the  open  air.  The  "Judge" 
was  following  close  at  my  heels,  but  In  his  blind 
haste  he  tripped  in  the  doorway  and  blocked 
the  passage.  It  was  at  this  critical  moment  that 
the  leap-frog  performance  commenced. 

The  antics  of  Chirini's  circus  troupe,  during 
their  most  brilliant  achievements,  dwindled  into 


254 


VIGOROUS    GYMNASTICS. 


mere  schoolboy  exercise  when  compared  with 
the  gymnastic  efforts  of  the  excited  miners. 
Out  came  my  friend  Colyer  over  the  prostrate 


OUTSIDE    BERTHS    AT    A    PREMIUM.  255 

form  of  the  Judge,  and  the  one-eyed  Swede 
over  Colyer,  his  hair  erect  and  his  one  dilated 
eye  standing  in  bold  relief  from  his  dark  face,  like 
the  ornamental  stud  on  a  horse's  blinker.  Last 
though  not  least  interested  or  frightened,  came 
Theodore  Arthur  Willoughby  Spooner,  sailing 
like  a  flying  squirrel  over  the  one-eyed  Swede. 
In  the  meantime  the  pistol  was  jumping  about 
in  the  fire  like  a  fish  in  a  scoop-net,  showering 
bullets  in  every  direction. 

The  clock  hung  silent  upon  the  wall,  having 
received  a  charge  of  buckshot  full  in  the  face, 
and  the  dog  lay  dead  upon  the  hearth-stone. 
"  Chickens  come  home  to  roost,"  saith  the  old 
proverb,  and  indeed  it  would  seem  so,  for  poor 
Judge  Twitchell,  whose  rashness  brought  about 
the  whole  calamity,  received  a  parting  salute,  a 
farewell  shot,  just  as  he  had  gathered  himself 
on  all  fours  to  make  a  final  lunge  from  the  fusil- 
lade within.  Fortunately  the  wound  was  not  a 
fatal  one,  though  severe  enough  to  keep  his 
memory  green  for  weeks. 

Some  time  elapsed  before  any  person  would 
venture  back  into  the  cabin  after  the  firing 
ceased.     No  one  had  kept  count  of  the  shots  or 


2:^6 


WHY    WE    WENT    HOME. 


knew  at  what  moment  the  battery  might  open 
again.  We  probably  would  have  remained  out 
all  night  rather  than  take  any  chances,  but  the 
coals  which  had  been  thrown  over  the  cabin, 
started  a  brisk  fire  in  half  a  dozen  different 
places,  and  we  were  obliged  to  run  some  risks 
to  extinguish  the  flames  and  save  the  place. 


THE  PRIZE  I  DIDN'T  WIN. 


'l  AT'HO  hath  contended  for  a  prize?  Who 
^  '  hath  stood  in  front  of  an  armed  host 
with  a  noble  emulation  warming  his  breast? 
Who,  with  one  eye  glancing  along  the  barrel  to 
the  target  in  the  distance,  and  the  other  closed 
upon  the  world,  hath  pressed  carefully  upon  the 
decisive  trigger  ?  And  who  hath  seen  the  glit- 
tering bone  of  contention  passing  away  into 
other  hands  than  his  at  the  close  of  the  contest  ? 
If  such  a  person  there  be,  then  can  he  sympa- 
thize with  me  in  this,  my  dark  hour  of  despond- 
ency. 

To-day  I  entered  the  lists  with  eighty  men  to 
compete  for  a  gold  watch  and  chain  of  two  hun- 
dred and  fifty  dollars  in  value.  It  was  to  be 
presented  to  the  winner  by  the  Governor  of  the 
State,  at  a  grand  ball  in  the  evening.  I,  who 
prided  myself  that  I  w^as  no  woman  with  a  gun, 
made  a  very  fair  impression  upon  the  target; 


258 


THE    PRIZE    SECURE. 


and  fell  back.  For  six  long,  dragging  hours  I 
watched  the  marksmen  striving  to  beat  my  score. 
One  by  one  the  good  shots  whom  I  had  reason 


THE   BEST  SHOT. 


to  fear  stepped  forward,  discharged  their  pieces, 
and  fell  back  cursing  their  ill  luck.  At  last 
nearly  all  had  fired,  and  I  in  fancy  could  hear 
the  elegant  time-piece  ticking  in  my  pocket,  and 


"many  a  slip,"  etc.  259 

was  already  preparing  the  usual  impromptu 
speech  with  which  to  thank  the  generous  donor. 
At  this  point  an  individual  stepped  forward 
whom  I  had  not  included  among  my  dangerous 
competitors,  because  on  former  occasions  he 
failed  to  hit  the  broad  side  of  a  mountain.  Yet 
to  my  astonishment  he  bore  off  the  glittering 
prize  ! 

I  shall  always  think  the  devil  rode  astride  of 
that  individual's  bullets  and  guided  them  into 
the  target ;  for  while  taking  aim,  the  muzzle  of 
his  gun  was  tossing  around  like  the  tip  of  a 
cow's  horn  when  she's  grazing  in  a  clover  field. 

What  a  picture  was  I,  as  I  stood  that  evening 
at  the  ball,  watching  his  Excellency  presenting 
the  magnificent  watch  I  had  for  hours  together 
looked  upon  as  mine.  Had  I  not  received  the 
premature  congratulations  of  my  friends,  and 
been  lavish  of  change  at  the  bar  in  consequence  ? 
And  the  watch — where  was  it?  I  feel  that  I 
shall  never  have  the  face  to  look  my  musket  in 
the  muzzle  again. 


^^^^ 


THE  COUNTRYMAN'S  TOOTH. 


[  AST  evening,  while  sitting  in  a  physician's 
^  office,  I  was  amused  by  a  countryman  who 
entered  the  office  to  have  a  tooth  extracted. 
The  doctor  took  one  of  the  old-fashioned  ''  cant 
hooks  "  and  went  for  the  molar,  but  whether  it 
was  owing  to  lack  of  skill  or  the  patient's  duck- 
ing while  the  instrument  was  being  adjusted,  it 
became  fixed  direcdy  between  two  teeth,  and 
after  a  painful  struggle,  out  they  both  were 
drawn.  The  operator  saw  he  had  taken  out 
two  masticators  instead  of  one,  and  before  the 
patient  noticed  the  fact,  one  was  chucked  under 
some  papers  lying  upon  the  table  by  his  side. 

"  Jerusalem  !"  cried  the  countryman,  as  soon 
as  he  could  speak.  'T  thought  by  the  yankin' 
and  the  torturin'  pain  you  had  hitched  the 
blamed  thingamagig  onto  my  backbone  and  was 
a  snakin'  it  out.  Why,  bless  my  soul !"  he  con- 
tinued, as  he  ran  his  tongue  Into  the  awful 
260 


HOPES    HELL    GET    USED    TO    IT.  26 1 

chasm.  "  Hain't  you  made  a  mistake,  doctor, 
and  pulled  out  the  jaw  instead  of  the  tooth  ? 
Thar  appears  to  be  a  ginneral  cavin'  in  all 
around  than" 

"Oh,  no,"  said  the  doctor;  "there  is  the 
tormentor,  sir,"  and  he  held  up  the  one  tooth 
before  the  contorted  face  of  the  victim  in  tri- 
umph. "Your  teeth  pull  out  easy,  sir,  for  their 
size,"  he  continued,  as  he  wiped  his  instruments 
and  put  them  away. 

"They  do,  eh?"  he  exclaimed.  "Wal,  dear 
help  them  that  have  teeth  that  come  out  hard. 
'Taint  all  in  the  puUin'  nuther,  but  the  incredu- 
lous hole  they  leave  ahind  'em  when  they  do 
come.  Why,  my  teeth  seem  as  far  apart  as  two 
Sundays  to  a  laborin'  man." 

"  The  other  teeth  will  crowd  over  after  a 
while,"  said  the  doctor,  encouragingly. 

"  It  may  be  I'll  git  sort  of  used  to  it  after  a 
while,"  he  replied,  "but  I'll  be  blowed  to  the 
moon,  if  it  doesn't  feel  as  though  my  tongue 
was  wabblin'  around  in  some  other  person's 
mouth  about  this  time  ;"  and  he  arose  from  the 
inquisitorial  chair,  paid  the  damages,  and  left 
the  office. 


MINING  STOCKS. 


nPHE  city  to-day  has  been  In  a  state  of  feverish 
excitement  over  dispatches  received  from 
the  mining  regions.  The  telegrams  were  fraught 
with  startHng  Intelligence.  There  has  been  a 
rich  strike  In  the  Savage  mine,  and  stock  is 
going  up  accordingly. 

When  stocks  are  running  high, 
-'^    How  natural  to  sigh, 
Ah,  that  I  a  thousand  shares  did  command, 

That  I  might  drink  champagne. 

And  hold  a  double  rein. 
And  be  counted  a  power  in  the  land. 

The  streets  are  crowded  with  men,  women 

and  children.     It  is  certainly — as  an  old  woman 

remarked  at  my  elbow — easier  for  a  needle  to  go 

through  a  camel's  eye,  than  for  a  person  to  pass 

through  the  throng  at  some  of  the  corners.    At 

present  the  person  who  does  not  own  Savage 

stock  is  not  considered  of  much  account.   I,  who 
262 


NEARTNG    THE    SUMMIT. 


263 


am  always  on  the  alert  for  new  developments, 
and  act  upon  the  moment,  make  haste  to  give  a 
sketch  of  the  Savage  stock  going  up. 


THE   ASCENT. 


It  is  ascending  at  a  lively  rate,  there  is  no 
mistake  about  that.  There  is  always  two  sides 
to  a  hill,  however,  and  though  the  lucky  stock- 
holder   to-day    may   reach   the    summit    of  his 


264 


THE    TIDE    TURNED. 


expectations,  to-morrow  may  bring  a  descent 
that  will  be  something  to  stand  from  under. 
And  being  possessed  of  quite  a  prophetic  soul, 


THE   DESCENT. 


I  anticipate  the  event,  and  as  a  companion  piece 
for  the  foregoing,  give  another  sketch  of  the 
Savage  stock  coming  down,  which  it  will  un- 
doubtedly be  before  many  days. 


ANIMATED    NATURE. 


265 


Well,  I  can  exclaim  with  Banquo's  facetious 
murderer,  ''  Let  It  comedown,"  the  decline  can- 
not destroy  my  peace,  nor  deplete  my  purse. 


ODE  ON  A  FLEA. 


"  A  lofty  theme, 
Fit  subject  for  the  noblest  bard 
That  ever  strung  a  lyre." 

—  Coleridge. 

INSUFFERABLE  pest!  that  with  wondrous  force 

Sinks  in  my  quivering  flesh  thy  noxious  tooth, 
To  tap  life's  current  in  its  healthful  course, 

And  break  my  needful  rest,  and  bring  me  ruth. 


266  NO    VIRTUES    IN    A    FLEA. 

Oh  !  virulent  marauder,  thou  art  a  bore  in  truth, 
And  who,  that  smarts  beneath  thy  awful  bite. 

And  poisonous  delving,  but  will,  forsooth. 
Think  that  sage  poet  may  have  erred  a  mite. 

Who  ably  sang  in  ages  past,  "  Whatever  is,  is  right." 

I'll  place  thee  foremost  in  the  swarm  of  those 

Tormenting  insects  that  plague  mankind ; 
Yet  greater  craven  from  the  earth  ne'er  rose. 

Than  thou,  mute  robber  of  my  peace  of  mind. 

In  the  musical  mosquito  noble  traits  we  find ; 
When  he  at  night  upon  his  mission  goes. 

And  quits  the  ceiling  where  he  long  has  pined, 
On  his  shrill  bugle  a  lusty  blast  he  blows. 

To  warn  his  drowsy  prey  that  a  raid  he  doth  propose. 

The  vampire  bat  of  Southern  latitudes, 

That  preys  at  night  upon  the  throat  of  man. 

Quite  conscious  of  the  pain  his  tooth  intrudes. 
Doth  with  membraneous  wings  the  victim  fan. 
To  hold  him  still  unconscious  if  he  can. 

Of  the  dark  demon  hovering  o'er  his  head, 
Drawing  the  blood  from  visage  cold  and  wan, 

Till  fully  gorged  it  leaves  the  sleeper's  bed. 

And  he,  awaking,  scarce  believes  he  has  been  freely 
bled. 

But  thou,  black  delver,  what  virtue  canst  thou  claim  ? 
Save  great  activity,  which  makes  me  hate  thee  more. 

Through  night  and  day  thy  laboring  is  the  same, 
Insatiate  ever,  thou  never  wilt  give  o'er. 
But  glutton-like,  still  sap  and  bite,  and  bore. 


HARD   TO    CATCH.  267 

Yet  truly  thou  art  cursed  in  having  such  a  jaw, 

The  champ  of  which  doth  try  my  patience  sore. 
And  soon  thou  hast  to  scud  from  angry  scratch  and 
claw, 
And  often  thou  must  bite  afresh  ere  surfeited  thy 
maw! 

Hadst  thou  instead  of  escharotic  teeth 

Been  furnished  with  a  blood-extracting;  bill. 

Which  once  insinuated  skin  beneath, 
The  worst  were  past;  I'd  feel  no  thrill 
To  make  me  shiver  as  though  an  ague  chill 

Did  all  my  joints  and  nerves  undo. 

Till  I  sit  chattering  like  a  fanning  mill, 

Perhaps  when  sitting  in  the  still  church  pew, 

Where  I  should  think  of  heaven  instead  of  things 
Hke  you. 

I  grant  there's  naught  on  earth,  nor  in  the  sea, 

Nor  in  the  windy  waste  around  our  rolling  sphere, 
That  can  at  all  compare  with  thy  agility 

When  thou  art  taken  with  a  sense  of  fear. 

And  what  was  ever  formed  that  can  come  near 
Thy  well-knit  bones  ?     Thy  strange  infrangibility 

Is  too  well  known  to  need  long  mention  here. 
For  who  but  oft  has  seen  thee  spring  away  quite  free. 

Although  between  the  fingers  rolled  most  spitefully. 


FIGHTING  IT  OUT  ON  THAT  LINE. 


■\  A  T'HILE  crossing  Telegraph  Hill  this  evening 
^  ^       in  the  vicinity  of  the  beach,  I  witnessed 
an  incident  which  has  kept  me  smiling  to  myself 
for  the  last  two  hours. 

A  couple  of  carters  met  in  a  street  at  a  place 
which  needed  repairing.  One  cart  was  heavily 
loaded  with  brick.  The  other  contained  a  small 
lot  of  coal. 

The  driver  of  No.  i  was  in  favor  of  suspend- 
ing that  time-honored  clause  in  common  law, 
which  says,  ''  turn  to  the  right."  Having  the 
heavier  load  he  wished  to  adopt  the  English 
system : — 

"  The  law  of  the  road  is  a  paradox  quite ; 
For  as  you  are  driving  along. 
If  you  go  to  the  left  you  are  sure  to  go  right, 
If  you  go  to  the  right  you  go  wrong." 

But  driver  No.  2   was   immovable  as  Caesar 

when  the  conspirators  with  ready  weapons  knelt 
268 


HOW    CART-MEN    GOT   THEIR    RIGHTS.         269 

around  him.  He  was  determined  to  enforce 
his  prerogative,  even  to  the  anchoring  of  his 
opponent's  cart. 

No.  I  said  he  would  "  stand  there  until  his 
corns  sprouted."  No.  2  replied  that  he  "wouldn't 
budge  until  his  corns  not  only  sprouted,  but 
until  they  went  to  seed,  or  he  would  have  his 
rights." 

After  considerable  loud  talk  in  which  they 
freely  expressed  unqualified  opinions  of  each 
other,  they  commenced  unhitching  their  horses 
from  the  carts,  as  night  was  setting  in,  and 
quietly  started  off  to  their  respective  stables. 

It  happened  they  had  met  directly  before  the 
residence  of  a  stout  Teuton  who  owns  a  large 
brewery  at  the  Beach.  They  had  scarcely  left  the 
disputed  point  when  the  brewer  arrived.  His 
flushed  face  showed  he  had  been  freely  testing  the 
quality  of  his  malt  liquor.  He  demanded  of 
some  bystanders  how  the  carts  came  there. 
Being  informed  of  the  whys  and  wherefores  to 
his  satisfaction,  he  called  out  his  two  stout  sons 
to  assist  in  removing  the  unsightly  ornaments. 

The  united  efforts  of  the  three  soon  started 
the  carts  down  the  hill,  in  the  direction  of  the 


270  A    RIGHTEOUS    RESULT. 

bay,  like  a  battery  of  flying  artillery.  It  was 
only  a  few  rods  to  the  water,  and  in  they 
plunged,  one  after  the  other,  and  shot  out  from 
the  shore  like  things  of  life.  The  old  man  and 
his  sons  stood  upon  the  crest  of  the  hill  viewing 
the  descent  in  silence.  After  they  had  been 
successfully  launched,  the  trio  retired  into  the 
house  with  that  self-satisfied  and  confident  air 
that  Emperor  William  and  his  two  warlike 
aids  might  exhibit  when  retiring  to  their  tent 
after  a  batde  in  which  the  enemy  was  routed. 
To  some  of  the  bystanders  this  seemed  rather 
a  precipitate  proceeding  ;  but  to  my  untutored 
mind  it  was  an  act  worthy  to  be  ranked  with  the 
judicial  hangings  by  the  San  Francisco  Vigilance 
Committee. 

As  I  left  the  hill,  I  took  a  last  look  back  at 
the  carts,  fast  growing  indistinct  in  the  gloom 
and  mist  closing  over  the  bay.  One  craft  was 
hugging  the  shore  off  Black  Point,  with  a  close 
reefed  tail-board,  and  her  wheel  well  under 
water.  The  other  was  sinking  by  the  stern, 
but  still  scudding  under  bare  poles  in  the  direc- 
tion of  Raccoon  Straits. 


DUDLEY'S  FIGHT  WITH  DR.  TWEEZER. 


JIM  DUDLEY  called  again  last  night,  and, 
as  usual,  bored  me  with  one  of  his  yarns. 
I  overshot  myself  by  mentioning  to  him  how  low 
he  stood  in  the  estimation  of  Doctor  Tweezer, 
for  that  brought  down  the  following  upon  my 

head : — 

''  Dr.  Tweezer  didn't  speak  very  highly  of  me, 
eh  !  Wal,  'tain't  to  be  wondered  at  when  you 
know  how  I  wrought  upon  his  feelin's  once. 
When  a  feller  has  to  go  around  among  his 
patients  for  more'n  two  weeks  with  a  beefsteak 
the  size  of  a  hearth  rug  tied  to  his  face,  as  ke 
did,  he  ain't  agwine  to  hurt  himself  eulogizin' 
the  person  who  set  him  off, — not  much. 

"  Ever  fight  ?  wal,  I  reckon  you'd  think  so  if 
you  had  seen  the  Doctor  s  yard  arter  we  got 
through  turnin'  the  chips  over  than  I/e  can 
fight,  and  squirm  like  a  cat  with  her  tail  in  a 
tongs,  that  Dr.  Tweezer  can. 


271 


272  WIDOW    GEZOT   AND    HER    HENS. 

''You  see  the  Doctor's  place  was  alongside 
the  wldcler  Gezot's,  and  she  had  a  numerous 
assortment  of  hens,  specimens  from  cold  coun- 
tries, with  feathers  clear  down  to  thar  toe  nails ; 
and  others  from  bilin'  hot  districts,  with  no 
feathers  at  all  onto  'em,  'ceptin'  a  few  downy 
substitutes  frillin'  around  the  neck.  They  were 
continually  a-gettin'  into  his  garden  and  a 
sprawlin'  round  in  the  soft  beds  thar. 

''  He  was  pooty  mad  over  it  too,  for  he  prided 
himself  on  razin'  early  vegetables,  and  tv/o  or 
three  times  he  cautioned  her  to  look  arter  her 
p'ultry,  or  he'd  gin  'em  a  dose  that  would  warm 
thar  little  gizzards  for  em'  if  he  was  any  judge 
of  drugs. 

"The  widder  Gezot  was  a  plaguey  stirrin'  little 
woman,  one  that  was  allers  willin'  to  flounder 
ahead  the  best  way  she  could.  Being  myself 
somewhat  interested  in  the  lady,  I  used  to  gin- 
nerally  chime  in  when  she  got  into  any  difficulty. 

"  She  soon  told  me  what  Dr.  Tweezer  said 
about  the  hens  ;  so  we  set  in,  and  poked  'em, 
and  stuck  feathers  through  their  bills,  and  did 
all  we  could,  except  wringing  their  necks,  to 
keep  'em  out  of  his  garden. 


TWEEZER    DOCTORS   THE    HENS.  273 

"  But  hens  are  hens,  you  know,  and  the  warm 
sand  makes  'em  feel  mi'ty  nice,  I  reckon.  They 
still  managed  to  git  through  the  fence,  or  over 
it,  and  hold  caucuses  in  the  Doctor's  onion 
beds.  One  day  arter  I  had  bin  down  town 
talkin'  politics  with  the  boys  thar,  I  was  settin' 
on  the  widder's  door-step  smokin'  and  musin' 
like,  when  I  see  her  hens  come  a-rusdin'  hum 
as  though  forty  hawks  were  a-stirrin'  'em  up. 
They  p'inted  straight  for  the  water  trough,  and 
after  takin'  about  two  dips  Into  it,  commenced 
the  wildest  gymnastic  feats  you  ever  see,  fiip- 
flopin'  around,  stannin'  on  thar  heads,  and  then 
on  thar  tails.  Finally  they  quieted  down,  and 
turnin'  feet  up,  lay  thar  dead  as  the  chips  around 
'em. 

''  I  more  than  suspected  Dr.  Tweezer  had  gin 
'em  a  dose  of  arsenic  or  some  other  mi'ty  tellin' 
drug.  So  I  jest  riz  up  quietly  and  took  a  look 
over  into  his  yard,  and  sure  enough  thar  he  was, 
a-staggerin'  and  squirmin'  around,  a-holdin'  of 
his  sides,  and  e'enmost  a-bustin'  with  in'ard 
laughter.  Now  this  sort  of  upsot  me.  Not  that 
I  cared  so  much  about  the  widder's  chickens,  but 
I  didn't  like  to  see  a  feller  so  mi'ty  tickled  over 
18 


2  74 


ONWARD    TO    THE    FRAY. 


a  mean  trick.    So  I  went  prancin'  around  to  the 
Doctor's  yard  pooty  durned  lively,  a-pullin'  off 


GOING   FOR   THE    DOCTOR. 


my  coat  as  I  ran.     I  caFlated  I  couldn't  devote 
much  time  to  strippin'  arter  I  got  in  than 

"  His  back  was  towards  me,  and  he  never  sus- 


DUDLEY    ATTEMPTS    TO    PAY    HIM.  275 

picloned  I  was  comin',  but  stooped  over  warpin' 
around  and  sort  of  unwittln'ly  invitin'  a  kick. 

*' '  It's  mi'ty  funny  business,  a-pizenin'  chick- 
ens, Isn't  it?'  I  ses,  jest  that  way,  and  at  the 
same  time  I  gin  him  such  a  hoist,  that  I  sent  him 
playin'  leap-frog  mor'n  fifteen  feet,  and  for  a  few 
moments  I  reckon  he  thought  he  had  backed  up 
ag'inst  a  batterin'  ram. 

*'He  was  mi'ty  cranky  though,  and  turned 
round  quicker  than  a  dog  when  his  tail  is  trod  on. 

'' '  Dudley,'  he  hollered,  'you  meddlin'  ruffian, 
you've  invoked  the  pest,  so  now  look  out  for 
scabs,'  and  with  that  he  came  at  me  like  a 
cluckin'  hen  at  a  strange  dog.  I  see  I  was  in 
for  a  lively  time,  as  the  boy  said  when  he  upset 
the  bee  hive.  At  it  we  went,  ring  and  twist, 
duck  and  dodge,  hop  and  catch  it,  round  and 
round  the  yard  like  fightin'  turkeys.  I  could 
play  around  him  at  boxin'  like  a  cooper  round 
a  barrel,  but  he  was  grizzly  on  a  hug,  and  could 
kick  and  gouge  like  a  Mississippian. 

''  He  went  for  my  right  eye  like  an  Irishman 
for  a  ballot  box.  I'll  be  blowed  if  I  didn't  think 
I'd  have  to  go  one  eye  on  it  ever  arterwards. 
Several  times  he  had  it  stickin'  out  like  a  door 


276  SCALDING    THE    WRONG    PIG. 

knob.  Finally  while  he  was  a-fumblin'  around 
he  accident'ly  slipped  his  finger  into  my  mouth, 
and  I  shut  down  on  it  mi'ty  fast  now  I  can  tell 
you. 

*' '  Fair  play  !  fair  play  ! '  he  hollered,  '  no 
bitin'.' 

*' '  Rats  ! '  ses  I,  jest  that  way,  'twixt  my  teeth, 
'  all's  grist  that  comes  to  my  mill,  I  reckon,'  and 
with  that  I  snapped  it  off  at  the  second  jint  like 
a  radish.  Jest  then  his  wife,  hearin'  an  unusual 
rustlin'  and  scrapin'  around  the  yard,  come 
a-runnin'  to  the  door  to  see  what  was  up. 
Woman  like,  without  inquirin'  into  the  particu- 
lars, she  took  sides  to  wunst,  and  started  with  a 
dish  of  hot  water  cal'ladn'  to  gin  me  an  al-fired 
scaldin'.  Luckily  she  stumbled  over  the  dog 
that  was  a-skelpin'  into  the  house  to  git  out  of 
harm's  way,  and  her  own  young  'un  that  was 
crawlin'  around  the  floor  munchin'  dirt  got  the 
hottest  bath  it  ever  experienced.  That  gave  her 
somethin'  else  to  look  arter,  so  that  the  Doctor 
and  I  had  it  out  alone. 

**  Arter  we  had  bin  at  it  about  fifteen  minutes 
we  held  a  sort  of  informal  truce,  just  arter  a 
simultaneous  exchange  of  compliments,  which 


ADMIRING    EACH    OTHER.  277 

left  the  Doctor  layin'  across  the  grindstone  and 
me  astride  the  pump.  It  was  the  first  chance  I 
had  of  gittin'  a  fair  look  at  him,  since  we  started 
in.  I  see  he  was  punished  mi'ty  bad.  One  eye 
was  retirin'  from  active  service  pooty  fast,  while 
his  face  gin ne rally  looked  as  if  he  had  bin  bob- 
bin' for  pennies  in  a  dish  of  tomato  sauce.  I 
reckon  he  wasn't  aware  he  presented  such  an 
appearance,  for  ses  he  : — 

"  'You're  lookin'  mi'ty  bad,  Dudley,  and  you 
mout  as  well  gin  up  now  as  any  time,  for  you'll 
eventually  have  to  holler." 

"  '  If  I  looked  one-half  as  bad  as  you  do,  Doc- 
tor, I  would  holler,'  I  answered. 

'' '  I  ginnerally  have  to  look  about  this  bad 
before  my  blood  gits  up  to  a  fightin'  heat,'  he 
ses  detarminedly. 

*''Wal,'  ses  I,  'I've  fit  at  every  election  for 
the  last  five  years,  and  last  Fourth,  put  the  bully 
mate  of  Terre  Haute  into  a  coal  bunker,  blind 
as  a  bat,  and  I  cal'late  no  derned  pill-mixer  is 
agwine  to  git  away  with  me  very  bad.' 

'''You'll  have  to  be  born  ag'in  before  you 
can  whale  me,  Dudley,'  he  shouted,  'for  I'll  fight 


278  TOUCHED    WITH    THE    SPUR. 

while  there's  enough  blood  left  In  me  to  lunch  a 
stall-fed  muskeeter.' 

"  *  We  both  suck  through  the  same  straw  then, 
Doctor,'  ses  I,  '  for  I  cal'late  to  stick  to  you  like 
a  poor  man's  plaster  to  a  beggar's  ribs  or  I'll 
have  the  worth  of  the  widder's  chickens  out  on 
ye,'  and  with  that  I  spit  out  his  finger  that  I  had 
forgot  all  about,  and  the  hul  time  had  bin 
chawin'  like  a  piece  of  flag-root,  I  was  so  burnin' 
mad.  I  allers  will  think  he  would  have  gin  up 
the  fight  then,  if  he  hadn't  seen  me  spit  out  the 
finger.  He  looked  down  at  his  maimed  hand 
and  then  at  me,  and  the  awful  sight  seemed  to 
spur  him  on  ag'in. 

"  '  You  cannibal  varmint ! '  he  hollered,  as  he 
edged  up  to  me.  '  I'll  make  head-cheese  of  ye! ' 
and  with  that  he  made  a  pass  at  me  ;  so  at  it  we 
went  ag'in,  hotter  than  ever,  hands  up  and  heads 
down  like  fightin'  wasps,  round  and  about,  over 
the  goose-house  and  wheelbarrow  spat-a-te- 
kick,  and  down  Into  the  sink  pool  roll-et-e-roll, 
and  the  hair  was  a-flyin'  and  the  teeth  war  a- 
spinnln'.  I  got  in  a  left-handed  wipe  on  his 
chin  while  his  mouth  was  open,  swarin',  and  I 


LIBERAL    BLOOD-LETTING. 


279 


made  his  jaws  snap  like  a  wolf  trap,  and  sent 
one  of  his  molars  a-buzzin'  through  the  kitchen 
winder  like  a  bullet  from  a  Springfield  muskit. 
"  I   never  knowed  a  man  could  lose  so  much 


HANDS  UP  AND  HEADS  DOWN. 


blood  and   stand   up   arter  It,  until  I  had  that 
fight  with  Dr.  Tweezer.     The  blood  was  a-flyin' 
from  him  every  which  way,  like  the  water  from 
a  sprlnklin'  cart,  and  yet  he  wouldn't  holler. 
**  Arter  a  while  he  clinched  and  throwed  me, 


28o  TAKEN    FOR    A    LUNATIC. 

but  I  managed  to  turn  him,  and  commenced  to 
shut  off  his  supply  of  wind  by  twistin'  his  neck- 
tie ;  but  jest  as  his  tongue  began  to  crop  out 
promisin'ly,  a  couple  of  fellers  drivin'  by  in  a 
wagon  seen  us,  and  they  allowed  that  I  was 
one  of  the  Doctor's  crazy  patients  that  had  got 
the  better  of  him ;  so  they  come  runnin'  in 
with  a  long  rope,  and  set  in  to  tie  me  up 
right  thar. 

"  The  plaguey  Doctor  turned  in  to  help  'em 
do  it,  too.  I  cussed,  and  hollered,  and  kicked 
off  both  boots,  and  broke  two  of  my  teeth 
a-grittin'  of  'em,  I  was  so  consumin'  mad. 
But  it  was  no  go ;  I  was  a-playin'  a  lone  hand, 
with  both  bowers  and  the  ace  ag'inst  me. 

"The  fust  thing  I  knew  they  had  me  tied 
hand  and  foot,  and  h'isted  into  thar  greasy  old 
meat  wagon  with  some  dead  hogs. 

" '  To  the  lock-up  with  him,'  shouted  the  Doc- 
tor, jest  bilin'  with  rage  ;  '  he's  crazy  as  a  cow 
with  her  horns  knocked  off.'  They  took  me 
thar,  sure  enough,  and  I  staid  thar  till  midnight 
before  the  mistake  was  known.  I  was  pooty 
well  scratched  up,  but  that  Dr.  Tweezer  was 
the  most  horrid  sight  you  ever  did  see. 


INSPECTION    OF    COUNTENANCES. 


281 


*'  Arter  that  fight  he  looked  as  though  he  had 
been  the   subject  in  a  dissectin'   room,  with  at 


ALAS  !    POOR    DOCTOR. 


least  a  dozen  medical  students  peelin'  and 
hackin'  of  him  in  the  interests  of  science.  The 
Doctor  allowed   that  the   erysipelas  would  set 


282  AN    UNCERTAIN    MOUTH. 

in,  seein'  thar  were  so  many  small  veins  busted 
in  his  face,  so  he  painted  it  all  over  with  scarlet 
iodine  as  a  precautionary  measure. 

"  He  did  look  like  the  very  old  Nick,  and  no 
mistake.  His  face  was  fearfully  puffed  up,  you 
see,  and  his  nose  was  knocked  clear  away  round 
to  one  side.  His  mouth  in  particular  was  a 
study  that  a  feller  couldn't  git  familiar  with.  It 
was  a  problem  that  the  more  you  looked  into 
the  more  your  ideas  got  confused.  It  was 
swelled  and  twisted  and  run  around,  out  of  all 
shape  and  proportion. 

*'  He  had  the  terriblest  time  you  ever  heard 
of  gittin'  his  victuals  into  it  and  fairly  started 
down  his  throat.  Thar  he  would  sit  at  the 
table  explorin'  about  for  fully  five  minutes 
strivin'  to  make  the  harbor,  and  when  he 
couldn't  fetch  it,  he  would  draw  the  spoon  back 
and  look  at  it  a  while,  plannin'  another  expedi- 
tion. He  knew  where  his  mouth  ought  to  be, 
you  see,  and  where  it  had  been  a  few  hours 
before,  and  to  be  obliged  to  canvass  the  whole 
of  his  head  to  find  it,  was  somethin'  he  wasn't 
accustomed  to. 

*'  It  seemed  as  if  he  never  would  git  through 


Eating  under  difficulties.  283 

jabbin'  the  spoon  about  his  face,  and  when  he 
would  finally  strike  the  openin',  it  would  be 
away  round  on  one  side  of  his  head,  so  much 
so  in  fact,  that  a  person  would  think  he  was 
pourin'  the  soup  into  his  ear.  He  would  be  all 
hunkadory  then  durin'  the  remainder  of  that 
meal,  but  the  next  time  he  would  come  to  the 
table,  the  same  performance  would  have  to  be 
gone  through  with. 

"  He  couldn't  keep  run  of  the  thing,  nohow. 
It  was  here  to-day  and  somewhere  else  to-mor- 
row, like  a  wrinkle  in  a  shirt. 

"The  swellin'  kept  shiftin'  and  undulatin' 
about  continually,  down  in  one  place  and  up  in 
another,  all  within  an  hour,  and  that  would 
shove  the  mouth  away  down  along  the  neck 
somewhere,  or  clear  across  to  the  other  side  of 
the  head,  perhaps. 

''  The  family  would  be  sittin'  thar  eadn'  no 
more  than  he  was,  they  would  be  so  busily  en- 
gaged watchin'  his  singular  manoeuverin',  and 
it  would  make  him  so  roarin'  mad  that  he  would 
send  'em  all  away  from  the  table. 

''  He  tried  to  eat  by  the  aid  of  a  small  lookln' 
glass,  but  that  didn't  work  any  better  than  goin' 


284  AGGRAVATING    QUESTIONS. 

it  blind.  When  he  saw  how  disfigured  every 
feature  was,  his  appetite  would  begin  to  git 
away  from  him  pooty  lively,  and  he  would  sling 
the  glass  into  the  corner,  and  fall  to  denouncin' 
me  like  a  crazy  bush-whacker. 

*' The  yard,  too,  was  a  sight;  everythin'  in  it 
was  painted  and  scratched  and  painted  ag'in. 

''  Old  Mrs.  Sharron  —  who  was  allers  a- 
smellin'  around  about  butcherin'  time,  on  the 
lookout  for  a  fresh  morsel — was  gwine  by  the 
Doctor's  the  next  mornin',  and  she  noticed  the 
blood  and  ha'r  a-stickin'  to  the  chips  and  pump 
handle,  and  she  allowed  he  had  killed  his  spring 
pig,  so  she  dropped  in  to  ask  him  for  the  ears 
and  a  piece  of  the  liver. 

*'  The  Doctor  thought  she  was  runnin'  him  on 
his  late  skirmish,  and  you  never  see  a  man  fly 
into  such  a  passion  in  all  your  born  days. 

"  He  jumped  up  and  pulled  his  pizen  pump 
out  of  a  drawer,  and  ses  he :  '  You  old  faded 
remnant !  you  scollop  !  you  creasy  old  cinder  of 
an  incendi'ry  fire  ! '  he  con  tin' ed,  jest  that  way, 
'I'll  gin  ye  jest  seven  seconds  to  git  out  of  my 
house  in,  or  I'll  hoist  the  gizzard  out  of  ye 
mi'ty  quick ! ' 


GOOD    INTENTIONS.  285 

"Jehominy!  wasn't  she  skeered,  though? 
You  never  see  a  cat  git  from  under  a  stove 
quicker  when  a  pot  biles  over,  than  she  got  out 
of  that  house. 

"  So  Dr.  Tweezer  didn't  speak  very  highly  of 
me,  eh?  Wal,  now  you  kind  o'  know  the 
reason,  don't  ye  ?  " 


MY  NEIGHBOR  WORSTED. 


AS  I  look  from  my  window  I  am  surprised  at 
the  change  the  last  half  hour  has  wrought 
upon  my  neighbor  and  his  immediate  surround- 
ings. At  that  time  he  emerged  from  the  shed 
in  which  he  keeps  his  extra  household  furniture, 
with  a  length  of  stove-pipe  and  an  elbow  under 
his  arms.  They  were  apparendy  just  the  things 
he  needed  to  tone  down  the  draught  of  his  new 
stove,  and  shoot  the  sparks  clear  of  the  banker's 
eaves. 


286  TERRIBLE    TRANSFORMATION. 

I  think  I  never  saw  him  look  better-natured 
than  at  that  moment.  His  face  was  clear  and 
unruffled  as  a  woodland  pool.  His  children 
played  around  him  with  unsuspecting  minds  and 
unlimited  speech.  The  household  cat,  with  all 
confidence  in  his  noble  nature,  familiarly  rubbed 
her  ribs  against  his  leg,  as  he  for  a  moment 
stood  deciding  which  end  of  the  length  to  intro- 
duce to  the  elbow.  Even  the  old  hen  roosting 
on  the  enclosure  seemed  to  settle  her  head  into 
her  body  with  more  than  ordinary  satisfaction  as 
she  regarded  the  complacent  scene  beneath  her. 

But  half  an  hour  ago  all  was  peace,  confi- 
dence and  love,  and  now  what  a  change  is 
here  !  I  hear  the  children,  but  see  them  not. 
Their  plaintive  wail  reminds  me  how  often 
laughter  is  the  harbinger  of  tears.  The  hen 
with  ruffled  feathers  and  outstretched  neck 
stands  aloof  upon  the  ridge  of  a  distant  dwell- 
ing. The  household  cat  that  had  grown  old  in 
the  family,  and  had  good  reason  to  believe  her- 
self privileged,  purrs  no  more.  She  has  painful 
reasons  to  think  otherwise  now,  as  she  crouches 
in  the  most  retired  corner  of  the  premises, 
assiduously  applying  whatever  balm  her  tongue 


THE   OBSTINATE    STOVE    PIPE.  287 

affords  to  injured  parts.  She  doubtless  muses 
how  heavier  than  an  infant's  spoon  it  is  to  feel 
an  adult's  boot. 

Yet  my  neighbor  was  neither  rash  nor  hasty. 

He  seemed  the  embodiment  of  perseverance, 
as  he  repeatedly  offered  that  length  of  stove-pipe 
an  elbow  which  it,  like  a  prudish  maiden,  pro- 
vokingly  refused.  Soon  the  drops  of  perspira- 
tion began  to  stand  upon  his  face  and  neck 
in  large  globes,  and  I  knew  that  patience  was 
oozing  from  every  pore.  I  knew  by  the  scatter- 
ing children,  the  cackling  hen,  and  the  flying 
household  cat,  that  the  "  rose-lipped  cherubim" 
of  which  the  poet  sings,  were  abiding  with  him 
no  longer. 

Presently  his  wife  came  to  his  assistance  with 
a  case-knife,  and  for  a  time  it  seemed  as  though 
victory  would  crown  their  united  efforts.  Rein- 
forcements turned  the  tide  at  Waterloo,  and  laid 
proud  France  at  the  mercy  of  Europe,  and  how 
often  the  assistance  from  the  mind  or  arm  of  a 
noble  wife  rolls  back  the  enemy  from  the  door. 
But  reinforcements  could  not  mend  the  matter 
here.  The  poor  woman  soon  retired  from  the 
scene  with  wounded  fingers  and  damaged  pride. 


288  SOMETHING   JOB    NEVER    HAD. 

My  neighbor  himself  has  ceased  to  strive, 
Flattened,  kicked,  and  abandoned,  the  pipes  lie 
masters  of  the  situation. 

Ah  !  I  am  fully  persuaded  that  neither  depth 
of  affliction,  nor  height  of  impudence,  nor  length 
of  trial,  nor  breadth  of  argument,  nor  extrava- 
gance, nor  parsimony,  nor  things  in  particular, 
nor  things  in  general,  can  begin  to  compare,  as 
triers  of  patience,  with  a  couple  of  old  frill-edged 
stove-pipes,  that  emphatically  set  their  edge 
against  a  union. 


THE  BREATHING  SPELL. 


A  S  some  lone  reaper,  tanned  and  sore, 
^^     Doth  pause  to  glance  his  acres  o'er. 
Comparing  what  hath  passed  his  hands 
With  what  before  him  bristling  stands — 
Behind  him  lie  the  shocks  and  sheaves. 
While  like  a  sea  before  him  heaves. 
Far  over  valley,  hill  and  plain. 
The  waving  heads  of  waiting  grain — 
So  pause  I  now,  when  half  way  through 
This  growing  book,  my  task  to  view; 
Behind  lie  many  a  sketch  and  line; 
Before  me,  countless  pages  shine; 
Behind,  the  thoughts  are  shaped  and  bound; 
Before,  they  float  in  freedom  round. 

And  as  that  reaper  stoops  again 
To  throw  his  hook  around  the  grain, 
And  sinks  amid  the  sea  of  gold, 
To  rise  when  hands  no  longer  hold; 
So  bend  I  to  my  task  anew. 
And  undismayed  my  course  pursue. 
Till  clip  on  clip,  and  sheaf  on  sheaf, 
Shall  bear  me  to  the  farthest  leaf 

19  289 


A  VISIT  TO  BENICIA. 


T^O-DAY  I  had  occasion  to  visit  Benicia.  The 
^  place  is  situated  on  the  Straits  of  Carquinez. 
Not  far  from  the  town  the  Government  Arsenal 
and  Barracks  are  situated.  And  as  a  striking 
proof  of  the  loyal  and  law-abiding  spirit  of  the 
citizens,  I  may  mention  the  fact,  that  all  the  gov- 
ernment property  above  alluded  to  is  defended 
by  two  soldiers,  a  corporal — who,  by  the  way, 
has  a  wooden  leg — and  a  high  private.    . 

While  stopping  there,  I  noticed  they  were 
engaged  in  the  pleasurable  task  of  firing  a  salute 
of  twenty-one  guns,  in  commemoration  of  Bun- 
ker Hill.  They  were  having  a  busy  time  of  it, 
for  while  the  wooden-legged  corporal  was  load- 
ing and  discharging  the  cannon,  the  private  was 
forwarding  the  ammunition  from  the  magazine 
— about  a  quarter  of  a  mile  distant — in  a  wheel- 
barrow. "If  soldiers  will  do  this  in  time  of 
peace,"  I  said  to  myself,  "  what  would  they  not 
accomplish  in  time  of  war  ?  "  and  I  walked  away 
290 


THE    HERO  S    FIRST   EXPLOITS.  29 1 

from  the  spot,  congratulating  myself  for  having 
invested  in  Government  bonds. 

The  town,  in  all  likelihood,  would  never  have 
been  heard  of  outside  of  the  State  of  California, 
had  it  not  been  for  the  brave  "  Benicia  Boy." 
Here  it  was  that  he  swung  the  blacksmith's 
heavy  sledge,  and  practiced  the  first  rudiments 
of  the  pugilistic  profession,  which  subsequently 
gained  him  his  world-wide  notoriety. 

Many  of  the  citizens  are  yet  pointed  out  to 
the  visitor  as  parties  who  at  some  period  of  their 
life  served  as  a  sand  bag  on  which  the  muscular 
*'Boy"  hardened  his  knuckles. 

As  I  gazed  upon  the  scattered  village, — for  it 
is  no  more,^ — I  mused,  how  a  man  should  come 
forth  from  such  a  paltry  place  to  *'awe"  the 
world.  For  as  Goliath  challenged  the  hosts  of 
Israel,  so  came  the  brave  '*  Benicia  Boy"  and 
dared  creation's  millions. 

And  as  the  youthful  shepherd,  afterwards 
king,  rose  up  and  smote  the  overweening  giant 
with  a  stone,  till  all  his  brain  oozed  forth,  so  from 
Albion's  Isle  a  youthful  "  King,'*  smote  the  west- 
ern champion  in  the  midriff  with  his  mawley, 
and  all  his  wind  gushed  out ! 


292 


THE   TOWN    PUMP. 


After  searching  some  time  to  discover  the 
blacksmith  shop  where  the  pugiHst  used  to  work, 
I  learned  that  it  was  long  since  torn  down  and 
a  church  now  occupied  the  site.  But  an  old 
g-entleman  who  kept  a  small    boarding  house, 


ONE   OF    HEENAN  S   MEMENTOES. 


conducted  me  to  an  ancient  pump,  at  which  he 
said  the  "  Boy  "  on  several  occasions  bathed  his 
nose  after  having  a  bout  with  some  person  who 
didn't  let  him  have  things  all  his  own  way,  and 
there  I  wept  my  tears  of  tribute. 

A  large  iron-bound  boot-jack,  set  in  a  glass 


FELLING    A    MULE.  293 

case,  was  shown  to  me  by  a  saloon-keeper.     He 
assured  me,  with  this  weapon   the  "  Boy "  had 
killed  several  cats  belonging  to  the  neighbors 
which  had  disturbed  his  slumbers.     This  boot- 
jack had  also  caused  the  death  of  a  mule,  for  on 
one  occasion  the  pugilist   hurled  it  with  such 
violence  at  a  cat  that  was  scampering  across 
the  roof  of  a  shed  that  the  heavy  missile  went 
through  the  boards.     A  farmer's  mule  that  was 
standing  inside  received  the  weapon  behind  the 
ear,  and  immediately  went  to  gravel  as  thouo-h 
he  had  been  felled  with  a  sledge-hammer.    The 
farmer  instituted  a  suit  against  the   "  Boy  "  to 
recover  damages,  but  the  friends  of  the  pugilist 
made  up  a  purse  to  satisfy  the  demand  of  the 
farmer,  and  the  matter  was  hushed. 

I  was  also  shown  a  jagged  hole  in  a  high 
board  fence,  which,  it  is  said,  the  "Boy"  made 
one  night  while  going  home  from  a  neighboring 

saloon. 

• 

It  seems  he  had  some  trouble  with  a  com- 
panion before  leaving  the  saloon,  and  seeing  his 
shadow  dogging  his  steps,  mistook  it  for  the 
substance  of  his  late  antagonist;  very  naturally 
presuming  that  his  intentions  were  anything  but 


294 


A   TERRIBLE   BLOW. 


friendly,  he  turned  hastily  around  and  dissipated 
the  obnoxious  shadow  by  knocking  it  about  fif- 
teen feet  into  the  garden. 


A  SCIENTIFIC   OPENING. 


HIGH    HOPES.  ^95 

The  fence  rattled  and  shook  around  the  whole 
lot  under  the  terrible  blow.  He  made  a  hole  In 
the  boards  through  which  a  large  goat  could 
readily  jump  without  sacrificing  any  of  its  hair 
by  the  performance,  and  permanently  injured 
a  good-sized  pear  tree  that  stood  inside  the 
inclosure,  about  three  feet  distant.  The  concus- 
sion was  terrible.  A  couple  of  turkeys  that 
happened  to  be  roosting  in  the  tree  at  the  time 
dropped  from  their  limb  as  though  shot  through 
the  head  with  a  needle-gun.  Never  afterwards 
could  they  be  induced  to  roost  upon  anything 
further  from  the  ground  than  the  cross-bar 
of  a  saw-horse  or  the  handles  of  a  wheel- 
barrow. 

No  doubt  the  town  at  one  time  had  great 
expectations,  as  it  formerly  was  the  capital  of 
the  State.  It  Is  now  a  capital  joke  to  see  a 
person  undertaking  to  walk  through  the  town 
in  the  winter  season,  without  faith  strong 
enough  or  feet  broad  enough  to  support  him 
upon  the  surface  of  the  oceans  of  mud  he  will 
find  himself  gazing  wistfully  across. 

On  my  way  down  a  man  was  pointed  out  to 
me  on  the  boat  who  Is  said  to  be  the  meanest 


296  A   MEAN    MAN. 

man  in  his  county.  My  informant  assured  me 
that  when  the  mean  individual's  wife  died  last 
year,  he  borrowed  a  pair  of  forceps  from  the 
dentist  at  Benicia,  and  extracted  all  her  gold- 
filled  teeth.  And  on  the  morning  prior  to 
her  funeral  he  sat  upon  the  door-step,  hammer 
in  hand,  with  a  flat-iron  upon  his  knees,  crack- 
ing the  teeth  like  English  walnuts,  and  with  a 
sewing  awl  extracting  the  filling  from  the 
cavities. 

During  my  journey  I  didn't  cultivate  that 
man's  acquaintance.  He  is  a  person  to  stand 
away  from,  especially  when  clouds  are  charged 
with  electricity. 


TOO  MUCH  OF  INDIAN. 


T^AKE  away  the  dish;  I  have  had  my  fill 
-'■  of  Modoc ;  have  had  buck  for  breakfast, 
squaw  for  dinner,  and  papoose  for  supper,  until 
at  the  very  name  of  Indian  my  appetite  for- 
sakes me. 

The  appellations  that  for  a  season  fell  upo; 
my  ears,  like  a  new  poem  from  the  lips  of  somv. 
sweet  bard,  have  poetry  for  me  no  longer.    The 
names,   "Captain    Jack,"   "  Scarfaced    Charlie," 
"  Shacknasty  Jim,"  ''Rain-in-the-face,"  ''Old-man- 

afraid-of-his-horse,"  "  Sitting  Bull,"  or  "  Ellen's 

297 


29B  AN    INFAMOUS    FRAUD. 

Man,"  have  lost  their  charm.  They  have  become 
dull  and  uninteresting,  and  I  would  hear  them 
no  more  forever.  I  have  been  duped,  deceived, 
defrauded,  on  account  of  these  rascally  Indians. 

I  have  gazed  in  silent  awe  upon  what  I  sup- 
posed to  be  the  scalp  of  no  less  a  personage 
than  "  Old  Sconchin,"  and  it  now  transpires  that 
the  redoubtable  old  chief  turns  up  among  the 
Indians  recently  captured. 

Oh  !  Oh  !  how  this  world  is  given  to  lying ! 

I  have  journeyed  long  and  far,  by  water  and 
by  rail,  on  horseback  and  on  foot,  and  purchased 
at  an  extravagant  price  an  Indian's  scalp  which 
the  seller  under  oath,  with  lifted  hand,  assured 
me  was  the  veritable  crown  lock  of  that  same 
"  Old  Sconchin." 

With  tears  coursing  down  his  sunburned 
cheeks  he  informed  me,  that  with  his  own  eyes, 
in  the  full  light  of  day,  he  saw  it  plucked  smok- 
ing from  the  sconce  of  the  expiring  brave. 

I  have  consequently  braided  watch  chains  of 
the  hair,  fashioned  a  money  purse  of  the  skin, 
and  then  withdrawn  into  a  private  apartment  to 
shed  bitter  tears  of  sorrow,  because  the  material 
didn't  quite  hold  out  to  make  a  tobacco  pouch. 


UP   THE    SPOUT.  299 

And  now  the  distressing  intelligence  reaches 
me  that  the  renowned  ''Old  Sconchin"  stands 
manacled  in  the  camp  of  his  foemen,  with  an 
unscarlfied  top  and  as  luxuriant  hair  as  ever 
drew  nourishment  from  an  Indian  head. 

Oh!  where  shall  we  turn,  or  where  shall  we 
look  for  honesty,  since  it  is  not  found  in  the 
breast  of  the  Indian  scalp  peddler  ? 


GOING  UP  THE  SPOUT. 


DATS  and  mice,  like  ourselves,  often  labor  at 
a  great  disadvantage  while  endeavoring  to 
make  a  livelihood.  They  often  make  a  miss  of 
it  altogether  by  not  knowing  the  proper  time  to 
set  out  upon  an  expedition.  Their  life  Is  a  per- 
petual skirmish.  They  have  to  take  chances 
and  be  upon  their  guard  continually.  Their 
mortal  enemy  and  dread,  the  cat,  may  be  asleep 
m  the  fourth  story,  and  the  poor  mouse  knows 
not  of  it  as  he  looks  wistfully  across  the  inter- 


300  TRIALS   OF   A    MOUSE  S    LIFE. 

vening  space  between  the  ash  barrel  and  the 
basement  stairs  ;  but  after  weighing  the  chances 
of  escape  or  capture,  he  scurries  across  the 
opening  with  as  much  haste  as  though  the  sharp 
claws  of  pussy  were  raking  the  stunted  fur  from 
his  wiry  tail. 

The  sun  may  pour  down  its  genial  rays  and 
the  planks  which  his  way  lies  over  be  warm  and 
inviting,  but  he  cannot  loiter  to  enjoy  its  warmth 
or  survey  the  beauties  of  nature.  Oh  !  who 
would  be  a  mouse  ?  sigh  I,  as  I  sit  and  ponder 
over  his  life  of  inherent  fear  and  uncertainty. 

He  seems  to  have  no  confidence  in  himself. 
His  actions  are  like  those  of  an  inferior  checker 
player.  Shove  about  as  he  may,  the  chances 
are  he  will  soon  regret  the  manoeuvre,  and  wish 
himself  safely  back  again  at  the  starting  point. 

Everything  about  the  premises  seems  to  be 
after  him.  He  regards  the  old  blacking-brush 
that  lies  under  the  bench  with  looks  of  suspicion 
for  hours  together,  and  dare  not  risk  a  scamper 

past.      He  takes  it  for  a 
^^-^,      horrid    cat,    quietly    and 
AN  OBJECT  OP  SUSPICION.        patlcnUy  biding  her  time. 
He  retires  into  his  hole  and  waits  fully  an  hour 


LIVING    IN    TERROR.  30I 

before  peeping  out  again  ;  but  there  It  sits  to 
blast  his  sight  and  cause  a  cold  thrill  to  run 
along  his  little  spine.  The  fact  that  it  does  not 
change  Its  position  does  not  in  the  least  weaken 
his  mistrust ;  on  the  contrary,  it  rather  strength- 
ens It.  ''It  is  so  cat-like,"  he  says  to  himself, 
"for  it  to  be  sitting  there  motionless."  In  the 
handle  projecting  from  one  end  he  very  natu- 
rally thinks  he  recognizes  the  tail,  and  at  this 
new  discovery  he  backs  Into  his  hole  again  in 
great  trepidation. 

He  feels  certain  now  that  he  was  right  in  his 
suspicions.  Another  wait  follows.  On  again 
emerging,  there  It  lies  as  before  ;  and  If  that 
mouse  was  profane,  and  had  a  soul  to  hazard,  it 
would  undoubtedly  hazard  It,  and  roundly  berate 
that  brush  through  compressed  teeth. 

It  takes  but  little  to  set  a  poor  mouse  into  a 
perfect  fluster.  Down  rolls  a  stick  of  wood 
from  the  pile,  and  Mr.  Mouse,  nibbling  at  the 
other  corner  of  the  shed,  jumps  at  least  eight 
feet  in  the  direction  of  his  hole.  The  wind 
blows  down  the  clothes-line  stick,  and  simulta- 
neous with  Its  fall  upon  the  planks  the  heart, 
liver  and  lights  of  the  poor  mouse  seem  to  be 


302        A   CATS    LIFE    RATHER    FASCINATING, 

running  a  steeple-chase  to  see  which  can  jump 
from  his  mouth  first.  Away  he  scurries  across 
the  yard,  so  fast,  that  though  your  eyes  were 
endeavoring  to  keep  up  with  him  all  the  way, 
you  merely  know  something  has  been  moving, 
but  can  only  surmise  what. 

We  sometimes  think  the  trials  and  disap- 
pointments of  humanity  are  great,  but  dear  me  ! 
what  are  they  compared  to  the  miseries  of  these 
poor  creatures.  From  their  hardships  deliver 
me  !  For  all  their  care  and  caution,  they  do  so 
often  miscalculate.  This  Is  evidenced  by  the 
number  of  times  our  old  cat  enters  the  house 
with  her  mouth  full,  and  her  eyes  sparkling  with 
pride. 

There  is  nothing  so  very  degrading  or  humili- 
ating In  a  cat's  life,  and  the  thought  of  becoming 
a  cat  does  not  make  one  shudder  as  does  the 
thought  of  becoming  a  mouse.  A  good  house- 
hold cat  does  not  occupy  such  a  very  bad  posi- 
tion in  life  after  all ;  by  good  I  mean  an  excellent 
mouser,  one  never  guilty  of  letting  a  mouse 
escape  after  having  the  second  wipe  at  him  ;  no 
scraggy  creature  with  stove-singed  back  and 
scolloped  ears,  but  a  well-behaved,  home-loving 


YET,  AFTER   ALL,  NOT   DESIRABLE.  303 

animal.  The  lot  of  such  a  creature  is  prefer- 
able to  that  of  some  men  whom  I  have  met  in 
life,  that  is,  if  there  were  no  rude  children  in 
the  house.  There  is  always  some  drawback  ;  a 
cat  is  peculiarly  blessed  that  lives  in  a  house 
where  there  are  no  children  ;  it  seems  to  be 
counted  as  one  of  the  family  almost,  and  its  life, 
though  short,  is  certainly  a  happy  one.  But 
ah !  these  reckless  children,  that  snatch  up 
Tommy  by  the  tail  as  they  would  a  sauce-pan, 
and  as  though  the  tail  was  actually  intended  for 
a  handle.  On  second  thought,  the  life  of  a  cat 
is  not  so  very  pleasant  after  all. 

For  the  last  half  hour  I  have  been  deeply 
interested  in  the  manoeuvres  of  a  large  rat  in 
the  yard  of  an  adjacent  house.  He  has  made 
three  unsuccessful  attempts  to  go  up  the  sink- 
spout.  Thrice  has  he  glided  up  the  slippery 
incline  until  the  tip  of  his  long  tail  disappeared 
from  view,  but  as  often  has  he  beat  a  hasty 
retreat,  assisted  on  his  downward  way  by  a 
rushing  torrent  of  hot  dish-water. 

He  is  a  determined  fellow,  however,  and 
sticks  to  an  enterprise  with  the  spirit  and  perti- 
nacity of  a  world-seeking  Columbus,  or  a  prison- 


304 


A    PERSEVERING    RAT. 


breaking  Monte  Chrlsto.  No  doubt  the  hungry 
edge  of  appetite  is  whetted  by  the  strong  efflu- 
vium arising  from  Limburger  cheese  (the  people 
are  Germans)  that  fills  the  whole  atmosphere 


with  an  odor  truly  agreeable  to  the  rodent  nose, 
every  time  the  pantry  door  is  opened.  The 
cheese  has  been  lately  stirred  up,  I  presume,  by 
the  trenchant  knife  of  Pater-femilias,  and  conse- 
quently the  poor  hunger-pinched  rat  is  allured 


DREAMS    AND    REALITIES.  305 

up  the  spout  at  this  inopportune  hour,-while  the 

servant  girl  is  washing  the  dishes. 

Every  living  creature  has  its  weakness.     The 

horse  whinnies  when  the  oats  draw  nigh,  and 
forgets  the  galling  collar.  Sheep,  that  at  other 
times  will  not  come  within  gunshot,  grow  tame 
and  unsuspicious  when  the  salt  is  shaken  in  the 
pan. 

The  hog  has  a  penchant  for  clover-roots,  or 
wherefore  does  the  rusted  wire  ring  ornament 
his  nose?  Is  it  there  because  it  is  the  fashion  ? 
Ask  the  farmer. 

And  undoubtedly  cheese  is  the  weakness  of 
the  rat  family.  It  is  their  aim,  and  often  their 
end,  too.  It  is  the  shrine  to  bow  down  before 
which  the  rat  will  jeopardize  his  life  every  hour 
of  the  twenty-four. 

He  dreams  of  it.  In  his  fitful  slumbers  he 
beholds  it  ranged  around  him  tier  on  tier,  as  in 
a  great  store  room,  and  not  a  cat  within  forty 
leagues.  He  is  in  the  rat's  Paradise,  and  happy. 
No  deceptive  poisons  that  consume  the  stomach, 
no  insidious,  subtle  traps,  yawning  ready  to 
clutch  the  unsuspecting  victim,  surround  him. 
He  is  safe  and  at  peace,  and  would  dwell  there 


20 


3o6  A    SAD    AWAKENING. 

forever  and  forever  in  one  unbroken  endless 
night.  But  the  heavy  rumbHng  of  a  dray  startles 
him,  for  all  sweet  dreams  have  their  wakings, 
alas  !  that  it  is  so  !  He  wakes,  and  where  is  he  ? 
Under  the  wet  sidewalk,  drenched  and  tousled 
withihe  drippings  of  the  day's  rain,  with  nothing 
for  breakfast  but  a  dry  onion  peel,  the  prog  of 
the  previous  night,  which  nothing  but  a  forty- 
eight  hours'  fast  could  induce  him  to  seize.  Ah, 
me  !  what  chances  the  fellow  has  to  take  in  order 
to  secure  sufficient  sustenance  to  keep  life  and 
body  together. 

"Honor  pricks  me  on,"  soliloquized  old  Sir 
John,  on  the  field  of  Shrewsbury,  when  he  with- 
drew from  the  general  clash  and  rendering  up 
of  souls,  to  breathe  a  spell,  and  moralize  upon 
the  insignificance  of  Fame,  or  Honor,  as  against 
the  value  of  life.  But  nothing  pricks  on  the  poor 
rat  but  his  craving  little  digestive  organs.  The 
mill  is  crying  out  for  grists,  the  hopper  is  empty, 
the  stone  still  turning,  and  something  must  be 
done,  and  that  quickly. 

No  honor  is  attached  to  the  expedition,  and 
even  though  he  should  succeed  in  making  the 
*' inning,"  which  is  doubtful,  all  that  can  be  said 


VICTORY   OR    DEATH  !  307 

is  that  he  has  ''gone  up  the  spout,"  and  in  the 
common  acceptation  of  the  saying,  that  is  cer- 
tainly nothing  to  be  very  highly  elated  over. 

I  actually  feel  ashamed  when  I  think  of  the 
many  projects  I  have  abandoned  through  life, 
because  I  met  with  slight  reverses.  Here  before 
me  is  this  poor  water-soaked  rat,  his  hair  still 
smoking  from  his  recent  scald,  emerging  once 
more  from  behind  the  wood  box,  determined  to 
solve  the  problem  of  the  sink-spout  or  perish  in 
the  attempt.  A  grim  smile  of  resolution  seems 
to  part  his  pointed  features,  as  he  moves  quiedy 
up  to  the  dripping  conduit  from  which  he  lately 
scampered  with  steaming  ribs. 

They  may  talk  of  deeds  of  noble  daring,  of 
vaulting  the  breach,  or  traversing  the  wild ;  but 
for  sterling  courage,  for  indomitable  perse- 
verance and  pluck,  commend  me  to  this  little 
adventurer  in  my  neighbor's  yard.  In  the  face 
of  three  scalding  inundations,  he  ventures  again 
upon  the  expedition,  unshaken,  unsubdued,  un- 
terrified.  He  takes  more  chances  and  subjects 
himself  to  more  risks  in  ascending  that  spout 
than  old  Samuel  de  Champlain  in  exploring  up 
the  St.  Lawrence  among  the  Iroquois. 


3o8 


UP   THE    SPOUT. 


What  if  the  large  fiea-pasturing  dog  lying 
indolently  in  the  yard  would  rouse  from  the 
lethargic  sleep  that  holds  him,  and  for  once 
make  himself  useful  by  thrusting  his  bristling 
muzzle  up  the  orifice  after  the  little  explorer, 
thereby  cutting  off  retreat  in  the  event  of  another 
disastrous  deluge?  The  terrible  result  of  such 
an  action  on  the  part  of  the  dog  is  too  painful 
and  improbable  to  contemplate. 


THE  GLORIOUS  FOURTH. 


"you  need  not  wake  to  call  me,  to  call  me,  mother 

dear. 
For  to-morrow'U  be  the  noisest  day  of  all  the  passing- 
year  ; 

309 


3IO  SQUINTY    ware's    EXPLOITS. 

Of  all  the  passing  year,  mother,  the  most  uproarious 

day, 
And  I,  you  bet,  will  stirring  be  before  the  morning 

gray. 

A  flag-staff  will  be  hoisted,  mother,  two  hundred  feet 

in  air, 
And    cannon   will    be    ranged    around  the  whole  of 

Union  Square, 
And  on  the  instant  Phoebus  shoots  his  arrows  o'er 

the  hill. 
There'll  be  a  roar  will  shake  the  shore  as  far  as  Wat- 

sonville. 

You  know  the  tailor's  nephew,  mother,  they  call  him 
Squinty  Ware; 

Last  year  he  powdered  Perry's  jaw,  and  blinded  Dob- 
son's  mare. 

And  while  his  poor  old  grandmamma  was  peeping 
through  the  blind. 

She  got  a  "  whiz  "  in  her  old  phiz,  that  she'll  forever 
mind. 

And  Henrietta  Loring,  mother,  tied  crackers  to  the 

tail 
Of  Deacon  Reed's  big,  lazy  hound,  while  eating  from 

a  pail  ; 
And  goodness  !  gracious  !  how  he  jumped,  and  dusted 

for  the  shed ; 
And  in  a  moment  every  straw  was   blazing   in  his 

bed. 


THE    DEACON  S   ALARM. 


311 


And  you'd  have  died  of  laughter,  mother,  I'm  certain, 
if  you  saw 

Old  Deacon  Reed  run  out  to  tramp  upon  the  burn- 
ing straw ; 

And  when  he  ran  to  get  the  hose — for  tramping  would 
not  do — 

His  wig  blew  off,  and  down  the  street  for  half  a 
block  it  flew. 


CELEBRATING   THE    FOURTH. 


I   know  it  was   not  proper,  mother,  and   I  ashamed 

should  be 
To  stand  and  gag,  just  like  a  wag,  another's   loss  to 

see ; 
But  'twas  a  sight  that  got  me  quite,  and  I'll  be  old 

indeed 
When   I   forget  the  comic  look  of  that  old   Deacon 

Reed. 


312 


WIDE   AWAKE. 


I've  got  a  rousing  pistol,  mother,  the  loudest  in  the 

block  ; 
And  I  have  filed  the  little  catch  that  holds  the  thing 

at  cock, 
And  hardly  do  I  get  the  charge  of  powder  in  the  bore, 
When  off  it  goes  just  with  a  shake,  and   thunder! 

what  a  roar! 


So  sleep   on  if  you   can,  dear   mother,  and  have  no 

thought  of  me. 
For  I'll  be  up  and  charging  round  before  there's  light 

to  see; 
And  when  you  hear  a  bang  that  makes  the  ring  dance. 

in  your  ear. 
Then   you  can  bet  your  scissors,  mother,  that  I  am 

somewhere  near. 


JIM  DUDLEY'S  SERMON. 


T  T  EREAFTER  I  shall  have  no  faith  in  reports. 
Last  week  I  heard  that  Jim  Dudley  had 
left  the  city,  and  was  congratulating  myself  on 
at  last  escaping  him.  But  my  congratulations 
were  premature.  Last  night  he  called  upon 
me,  and  kept  me  in  torture  for  fully  two  hours ; 
at  a  time,  too,  when  I  should  have  been  asleep. 
But  what  cared  he  for  that  ?  The  scoundrel ! 
there  was  no  shaking  him  off  He  sticks  to  a 
person  like  mortar  to  a  brick.  I  had  to  sit  and 
listen,  though  I  do  honestly  believe  every  word 
the  fellow  uttered  was  an  unqualified  lie ;  but 
he  swears  to  its  truth,  and  how  can  I  prove  it 
otherwise.  It  is  better  to  take  it  as  it  comes 
and  ask  no  questions  for  conscience'  sake. 

''  I  never  told  you  about  the  sermon  I  preached 
over  in  Misertown  one  Sunday.  I  had  a  time 
of  it  thar  and  no  mistake.  Hold  on  a  minute 
and  I'll  tell  you  how  it  was. 

313 


3H 


AN    UNPROFITABLE    GEN'IUS. 


''You  see,  Gil  Bizby — that  plaguey  shirk,  I 
never  mention  his  name  but  what  I  feel  like 
trouncin'  of  him — but  he  was  a  genius  though 
and  no  foolin'  about  it,  a  natural  born  inventor, 
chock  full  of  notions  as  a  toy  shop. 

*'  But  somehow    or   another  he  never  could 


SOMETHING   NEW. 


bring  any  thin'  to  a  payin'  focus.  AUers  whit- 
tlin'  and  borin'  and  plannin'  around  though. 
Wherever  you'd  meet  him  he'd  be  haulin'  out 
of  his  pocket  some  old  drawing  with  more 
wheels  and  contrivances  pictured  out  on  it  than 


THE  CHICKEN  PLUCKER.         315 

you  could  think  of  In  a  twelve  hours'  dream. 
He  never  could  git  the  cap  sheaf  onto  his 
endeavor  though.  Allers  somethin'  amiss ;  a 
wheel  too  many,  or  another  one  wantin',  or  too 
many  cogs  to  have  the  thing  work  just  right. 

''  He  invented  a  contrivance  for  pluckin' 
chickens. 

"That  was  a  rustler.  He  shoved  the  fowls 
through  a  machine  somethin'  like  a  corn  sheller, 
an  gin  'em  an  electric  shock  while  passin' 
along,  and  shot  'em  out  of  a  spout  at  t'other 
end  of  the  machine  as  bare  as  weavers'  shut- 
tles. He  didn't  make  anythin'  out  of  it  though. 
He  had  to  chuck  'em  through  while  alive,  you 
see,  and  that  clashed  with  the  law.  When  he 
took  the  machine  down  to  the  city  to  introduce 
it  to  the  pultry  dealers,  the  society  fellers  who 
look  out  for  the  interests  of  dumb  critters  got 
arter  him  and  sewed  him  up.  They  put  a  reef 
in  his  jib  pooty  quick  now,  I  tell  you. 

"  They  were  passin'  along  through  the  mar- 
ket one  day,  and  they  saw  Gil  just  a  humpin' 
himself  showin'  off  the  apparatus  to  the  market 
men.  He  was  crankin'  and  pumpin'  away,  like 
a  sailor  when  there's  fifteen  feet  of  water  in  the 


2,1  6  A   TRAGEDY. 

hold  and  still  rizln,  and  the  chickens  were  a 
screamin'  and  a  scootin'  through  the  contriv- 
ance, close  as  if  they  were  run  on  a  string 
head  ag'inst  tail,  and  just  a  cloud  of  feathers 
hoverin'  around  over  it.  Didn't  they  fasten  on 
to  that  Gil  Bizby  though?  They  snatched  him 
up  quicker  than  if  he  had  been  hoss-stealin', 
and  confiscated  his  plucker,  and  tucked  an 
alfired  heavy  fine  onto  him  besides. 

"  Meetin'  with  such  poor  encouragement  in 
that  direction  he  went  back  to  Sculleyville,  and 
set  out  to  invent  a  thunderin'  great  machine  for 
layin'  cobble-stones.  That  was  just  him  all 
over  ;  allers  startin'  in  to  git  up  some  outlandish 
lookin'  thing.  This  machine  was  a  crusher  and 
no  gettin'  'round  it.  It  was  fearful  enough  to 
make  a  cow  slip  her  cud,  I'll  be  shot  if  it  wasn't. 
It  looked  somethin'  like  Noah's  ark  set  on 
wheels  and  filled  with  all  kinds  of  machinery. 

''  He  started  in  to  experiment  one  moonlight 
night  in  front  of  the  court  house,  but  got  the 
main  belt  crossed  or  somethin',  I  disremember 
just  what,  and  Jerusalem !  in  less  than  ten 
minutes  he  ran  the  whole  population  out  to  the 
foot  hills  in  thar  night  clothes.     There  wasn't 


GIL   BIZBY    KNOCKED    SENSELESS.  317 

no  stoppin'  the  consarned  thing.  Poor  Gil  was 
knocked  senseless  at  the  first  revolution,  and 
nobody  else  knowed  how  to  control  It.  It  rolled 
the  whole  length  of  the  square,  tearin'  up  the 
stones  It  had  pounded  down  the  day  before  and 
sendin'  of  'em  buzzin'  over  the  village  In  all 
directions. 

*'  No  home  was  sacred,  and  no  head  was  safe, 
as  the  poet  has  It.  Poor  old  Mrs.  Scooley  lived 
just  long  enough  to  learn  this,  and  no  longer. 
She  was  goln'  once  too  often  to  git  her  pitcher 
filled  at  the  corner  grocery  that  night,  and  a 
stone  took  her  in  the  small  of  the  back  as  she 
was  enterin'  the  door,  and  it  h'isted  her  clear 
over  the  counter  on  top  of  a  barrel ;  it's  true 
as  I'm  tellln'  It  to  you.  Poor  old  body;  she 
was  the  pioneer  female  of  the  village  too.  The 
first  woman  to  wash  a  shirt  in  Sculleyville. 
But  arter  all,  the  town  wasn't  much  loser  by 
her  passin'  away. 

"  She  was  a  sort  of  panicky  old  critter  any- 
how, always  scary  about  catchin'  the  smallpox 
or  any  other  prevailln'  disease  that  come  around. 
The  old  village  physician  said  he  would  ruther 


3i8 


MRS.    SCOOLEY   FOLLOWS. 


see  the  very  old  scratch  makin'  towards  him  on 
the  street  than  old  Mrs.  Scooley. 

"  Comin'  from  church  or  market,  as  the  case 
might  be,  she  would  fasten  on  to  him  like  a 


THE    DOCTOR  S    SCOURGE. 


wood-tick  to  a  leaf,  and  he  couldn't  git  rid  of 
her  nohow.  She  would  have  him  time  her  pulse 
right  thar  on  the  sidewalk ;  and  be  a  shovin'  of 


SOMETHING    NEW.  319 

her  tongue  out  for  his  inspection.  And  she 
did  have  such  an  unHmited,  wallopin'  great 
tongue  too  ;  it  seemed  when  she  was  shovin' 
of  it  out,  as  though  she  was  actewelly  disgorgin' 
her  Hver.  It's  so,  by  Jingo !  People  would  be 
a  stoppin'  and  standin'  thar,  wonderin'  what 
was  the  matter  with  the  old  gal — that  is,  people 
that  didn't  know  her  peculiarities  ;  though  most 
everybody  in  the  village  had  seen  her  standin' 
in  that  position  so  often,  that  they  would  be 
more  surprised  to  see  her  with  her  tongue  in 
her  mouth  than  projectin'  out  in  the  rain. 

"  The  old  Doctor  used  to  be  terribly  annoyed. 
He  would  say,  kind  of  hurriedly  like,  because 
he  would  be  itchin'  to  git  away  from  her : 

"  '  Oh !  you're  all  right  I  reckon,  Mrs. 
Scooley ;  but  you  had  better  be  a  gittin'  along 
home,  and  not  stand  too  long  in  the  cold  air, 
with  so  much  of  your  vital  organs  exposed  to 
the  weather ;  the  result  may  be  fearful  if  not 
fatal!' 

"That  would  ginnerally  start  her  off  pooty 
lively  towards  her  shanty.  They  say  the  first 
time  the  Doctor  saw  her  tongue  he  was  sur- 
prised   so    much    that    he    looked    actewelly 


320  GATHERING    FOR    SERVICE. 

skeered.  Says  he  :  '  I've  been  nigh  unto  eight 
and  thirty  years  a  practicin'  physician,  and  until 
this  moment  I  flattered  myself  that  I  was 
familiar  with  all  the  ins  and  outs  of  the  pro- 
fession. But  I  begin  to  think  I  gin  over  the 
dissectin'  knife  too  soon,  for  here's  somethin' 
that  I  was  not  prepared  for.' 

''But  that's  not  tellin'  you  about  the  sermon, 
is  it  ?  but  when  I  mentioned  that  Gil  Bizby,  I 
sort  of  wandered  off  arter  him  and  his  con- 
trivances. Wal,  as  I  was  about  to  tell  you,  Gil 
and  I  were  saunterin'  around  Misertown  one 
Sunday,  and  we  saw  any  number  of  gals  goin' 
into  the  school-house  where  the  preachin'  was 
carried  on.  So  we  concluded  to  step  in  and 
git  a  better  look  at  some  of  'em.  I  didn't 
know  many  of  the  people  round  thar,  but  from 
what  I  heard  I  judged  they  were  the  meanest, 
close-fistedest  set  of  sinners  that  ever  had  the 
gospel  dispensed  with  amongst  'em. 

''I  understood  they  had  treated  their  minister 
plaguey  mean  when  he  fust  come  thar  to  look 
arter  them.  Thar  was  no  regular  place  for 
him  to  stop,  you  see,  and  they  agreed  amongst 
themselves   to  take  turns   a  keepin'   him  until 


THE    NEW    MINISTER.  "*         32 1 

they  could  get  a  house  up  for  him.  He  was 
one  of  those  young,  easy,  green  kind  of  fellers 
that  had  seemin'ly  never  been  so  far  away  from 
home  before  but  what  he  could  see  the  smoke 
of  his  father's  chimney,  or  smell  his  mother's 
corn-dodgers  burnin'.  And  they  soon  took 
advantage  of  it,  and  sort  of  played  button  with 
him,  shovin'  him  around  from  one  to  another  as 
though  he  was  too  hot  to  hold. 

''He  fust  went  to  a  feller  by  the  name  of 
Wigglewort.  Ses  Wig,  'I'm  really  very  sorry, 
Mr.  Sermonslice,  but  we  unfortunately  have  no 
accommodations  for  you  at  present.  We  have 
no  place  for  you  to  sleep  'thout  we  put  you  in  the 
barn,  and  the  nights  are  ruther  cold  for  that, 
besides  the  rats  might  annoy  you.  Sorry  you 
happened  to  come  just  at  this  time,  of  all  others 
the  most  embarrassin'.  It's  not  but  what  I 
would  like  to  have  you  stop  with  us  ;  I  would^ 
indeed,  Mr.  Sermonslice,  consider  it  an  honor 
to  have  you.' 

*'The  minister,  takin'  his  books  under  his 
arm,  started  out  into  the  night  as  though  his 
life  depended  upon  the  most  prompt  kind  of 
action.     He  wasn't  within  hailin'  Inside  of  two 


322  TOO    LAZY   TO    PRAY. 

minutes.  He  went  over  and  succeeded  in 
gettin'  lodgin's  with  a  feller  named  Joe  Grims- 
by, who  lived  over  by  Frog  Marsh. 

"Joe  was  too  derned   lazy  to    do    his    own 
prayin',  and  while  the  parson  stopped  with  him 


JOE   GRIMBSBY. 


he  got  rid  of  it.  They  do  say  he  was  the  lazi- 
est old  curmudgeon  that  ever  turned  up  his 
eyes.  He  used  to  say  a  praar  at  the  beginnin' 
of  the  month,  and  on  the  followin'  nights  he 
would  always  allude  to  it  in  a  sort  of  matter-of- 


IMPROVING   THE   TIME.  323 

fact  way.  '  You  know  my  feelin's  towards  ye. 
Nothin'  hid  from  ye  I  reckon.  I  haven't  changed 
my  sentiments  yet.  If  I  do  I'll  let  ye  know  of 
it.  I'll  keep  nothin'  back  from  you,  though  it 
should  take  the  har  off'  He  would  go  on  in 
that  business-like  way,  and  the  hul  time  be 
a  crawlin'  into  bed. 

'' Wal,  as  I  was  goin'  to  tell  you,  Gil  and  I 
poked  into  the  buildin',  and  sat  down  thar 
amongst  the  congfreofation. 

"The  minister  hadn't  come  yet,  and  pooty 
soon  an  old  feller  got  up,  and  ses  he,  '  It  may 
be  the  minister  has  had  a  late  breakfast  and 
will  not  git  here  for  some  time  yet.  In  the 
meantime,  as  it's  a  dry  season  and  our  crops 
need  a  shower  of  rain,  we  mout  as  well  have  a 
little  prayin'  goin'  on.  We  can't  do  much  harm 
anyhow,  and  we  may  be  the  means  of  bringin' 
down  a  good  smart  shower  that  will  be  money 
in  our  pockets  in  the  long  run.' 

''He  asked  several  to  take  hold  and  do  some- 
thin'  in  that  way,  but  one  had  a  cold,  and 
another  one  was  just  gettin'  over  the  mumps. 
And  so  on  they  went  makin'  excuses.  Finally 
the  old  feller  turned  to  me,  and  ses  he  :  *  Per- 


324  A   SUBSTITUTE   FOR   THE    MINISTER. 

haps  you  would  lead  us,  you  look  like  one  who 
has  had  some  experience  that  way.' 

''  I  thanked  him  for  the  compliment,  but  told 
him  I  was  somethin'  like  the  officers  in  the  army 
— I  would  ruther  foller  than  lead.  But  he  stuck 
to  me  like  a  Jew  to  a  customer.  Arter  a  while 
I  consented,  and  jest  as  I  was  about  startin'  in, 
a  feller  come  In  and  said  the  minister  had  got  a 
terrible  ticklin'  in  his  throat  caused  by  partly 
swallowin'  a  har  in  the  butter  over  to  old  Joe 
Grimsby's,  and  couldn't  attend  to  his  duties  that 
day.     So  the  old  chap  got  up  ag'in,  and  ses  : — 

"  '  We  won't  have  any  preachin'  then,  without 
some  person  present  will  volunteer  to  act  in 
our  pastor's  place  this  mornin'.'  But  no  one 
spoke  up.  *  Perhaps,'  he  ses,  turnin'  to  me, 
'  you  would  favor  us  by  conductin'  the  service, 
young  man.  You  doubtless  are  competent  to  ^ 
perform  that  duty.' 

''  This  sort  of  got  me.  Then  the  thought 
struck  me  perhaps  I'd  make  somethin'  out  of 
'em  by  it.  Besides  didn't  want  to  plead  igno- 
rance right  thar  amongst  'em,  so  gettin'  up,  I 
ses  :  *  This  is  somewhat  unexpected.  Honors 
foller  one  another  pooty  fast.'     With  that  I  got 


LONG  OR  SHORT  METER.         325 

Into  the  pulpit  and  began  to  look  down  at  'em 
pooty  seriously.  Thar  was  no  Bible  on  the 
desk,  so  I  asked  if  thar  was  any  person  that 
would  loan  me  one  for  the  occasion. 

''  Some  of  'em  spoke  up  and  said  they  had 
books,  but  were  In  the  habit  of  keepin'  em  to 
foller  along  arter  the  minister,  and  correct  him 
when  he  made  a  mistake.  Besides  they  liked 
to  see  how  he  worked  out  the  text.  I  looked 
at  'em  some  time  pooty  hard.  I  thought  they 
beat  anythin'  I  had  come  across  for  some  time, 
and  I  had  a  good  mind  to  git  down  ag'in,  only 
I  allowed  they'd  laugh  at  me.  So  I  ses,  '  all 
right.  You  can  keep  your  books.  I  reckon  I 
know  enough  by  heart  to  git  along  with.'  I  then 
gin  out  somethin'  for  them  to  sing. 

"  '  Short  or  long  meter  ?'  inquired  the  leader 
of  the  singers,  who  were  settin'  over  in  the 
corner.  I  didn't  exactly  understand  him.  As  I 
knowed  he  was  in  the  habit  of  meetin'  Sal  Clip- 
percut  over  to  Mrs.  Curry's  every  Sunday 
afternoon,  I  allowed  he  was  askin'  for  sgmethin' 
shorter,  as  he  was  longin'  to  meet  her.  I  spoke 
up  pooty  sharp,  and  ses,  '  You  will  please  sing 
what  I  gin  you  to  sing.     I   reckon  you   aren't 


326  PUBLIC    REBUKES. 

longin'  to  meet  her  so  bad  but  what  you  can 
wait  until  arter  the  service  is  over.  She'll  keep 
that  long,  I  reckon,  without  spilin'.  I  know  her. 
She  isn't  none  of  your  Spring  chickens  nuther,' 
I  contin'ed,  just  like  that,  and  you  ought  to  have 
seen  the  way  he  looked  ;  and  the  gals  com- 
menced to  snicker  and  crowd  thar  handker- 
chiefs into  thar  mouths. 

''  One  little  red-faced  critter  that  sat  alongside 
of  him  tittered  right  out.  Her  mother  who  was 
sittin'  near  by  jumped  up  and  ses  :  '  Becky  Jane, 
you  go  right  straight  hum  this  minute,  and  go 
to  peelin'  the  'taters  for  dinner.'  But  a  feller 
who  looked  as  though  his  mother  had  been  a 
mullator,  or  even  somethin'  of  a  darker  shade, 
got  up  and  ses  : 

"  '  The  gal  isn't  to  blame  in  the  least.  It's 
that  feller  in  the  pulpit  thar.  I  for  one  don't 
want  to  hear  any  more  of  his  lingo.' 

'*'Wal,  then,  you  can  stuff  wool  in  your  ears,' 
I  ses,  'and  you  won't  have  far  to  go  to  get  it 
nuther,'  I  contin'ed,  just  that  way,  alludin'  to  his 
own  har,  which  seemed  pooty  woolly. 

''You  ought  to  see  how  they  looked,  fust  at 
him,  then  at  me.     He  colored  up,  I  reckon,  but 


AN    OLD    SISTER    MAKES    A   SPEECH.  327 

he  was  too  black  to  show  it.  I  heard  him  grit 
his  teeth  from  whar  I  was  standin'.  He  didn't 
say  any  more,  but  an  old  woman  who  was  settin' 
near  jumped  up,  and  ses  she  : 

"  '  The  meetin'-house  is  turned  into  a  thaye- 
ter  !  When  a  muntybank  gets  into  the  pulpit 
it  is  high  time  for  respectable  people  to  be 
movin'.  Til  leave  !'  she  exclaimed,  pullin'  her 
shawl  around  her  shoulders  and  beginnin'  to 
bustle  out  of  her  seat. 

"  '  Wal,  ye  kin  go  !'  I  hollered,  jest  that  way, 
for  I  was  beginnin'  to  git  sort  of  riled  at  the 
way  things  war  a  goin'.  When  I'm  talkin'  poli- 
tics or  arguin'  over  the  merits  of  whisky,  I  can 
bear  crossin'  and  any  amount  of  contradiction. 
But  right  thar,  where  a  feller  had  to  be  choice 
of  his  language,  it  was  different  business.  '  Ye 
kin  go,'  I  ses.  '  We  kin  git  along  without  you, 
I  reckon.  We're  willin'  to  chance  it,  anyhow. 
Take  your  knittin'  along  ;  don't  leave  that  be- 
hind,' I  contin'ed,  pointin'  to  the  seat  as  though 
I  saw  it  lyin'  thar.  I  didn't  though,  but  I  wanted 
to  give  her  a  mi'ty  hard  rub,  for  I  suspected  her 
piety  was  put  on,  and  that  she  was  displeased 
because  nobody  was  noticin'  her  new  bonnet. 


32S  THE    OLD    LADY    WELL    STIRRED    UP. 

''The  hul  congregation  took  it  for  granted 
that  the  knittin'  zuas  thar,  and  you  ought  to 
have  seen  'em  stretchin'  and  cranin'  out  thar 
necks  as  far  as  they  could  to  get  a  look  into 
the  pew. 


TRUTH   IS  POWERFUL, 


One  old  feller  that  was  settin'  back  pooty 
far,  craned  out  kind  of  quarterin'  ruther  sud- 
denly and  his  neck  gin  a  crack  like  a  bon  bon. 
He  commenced  oh  !  ohin'  and  tryin'  to  git  it 
back  to  its  old  position  ag'in,  but  he  couldn't 


SHE    RETIRES    IN    DISORDER.  329 

make  any  headway  until  his  wife  went  to  rubbin' 
and  chafin'  of  it,  right  than 

''  But  that  old  woman,  whew  !  She  was  as 
mad  as  a  wet  hen.  She  couldn't  hardly  find 
the  door,  she  was  so  mixed  up.  When  she 
finally  got  thar  she  turned  round  and  straight- 
enin'  of  herself  up  she  ses,  '  Young  man  !' — 
Before  she  got  any  further  I  broke  in  on  her, 
for  I  judged  she  had  a  tongue  that  was  hung  in 
the  middle.  So  I  ses,  'That'll  do,  that'll  do, 
Mrs.  You  kin  move  along.  You're  disturb- 
in'  the  peace  of  the  congregation,  and  besides 
all  that  you're  showin'  your  false  teeth  mi'ty  bad 
in  the  bargain.' 

"  She  got  out  arter  that  pooty  lively,  now  I 
can  tell  you.  I  could  see  her  as  she  went  up 
the  road  towards  her  home,  and  two  or  three 
times  she  stopped  and  turnin'  around  acted  as 
though  she  had  half  a  mind  to  come  back  and 
try  the  hul  thing  over  ag'in.  But  arter  standin' 
thar  a  while  thinkin'  like  a  pig  when  It's  listenin' 
to  the  grass  takin'  root,  she  would  shake  her 
head  and  move  along  up  the  turnpike  as  though 
she  concluded  she  had  enough  of  that  kind  of 
pie. 


330     GIL  BIZBY  GIVES  ADVICE  ON  PREACHING. 

*'  This  piece  of  performance  sort  of  throwed 
me  off  the  track.  While  I  was  standin'  thar 
thinkin'  where  to  start  in  with  the  discourse,  Gil 
Bizby  come  a  crawfishin'  up  the  steps  to  one 
side  of  me  and  whisperin'  ses,  '  I  say,  Jim,  you 
haven't  got  to  chock  blocks  already,  have  ye  ?* 

"'No,'  I  answered,  'I  ain't  got  to  chock 
blocks,  but  I've  got  the  ropes  twisted  around 
and  things  look  ginnerally  mixed  jist  now,  I  can 
tell  ye.' 

"  '  Wall,  start  in  on  the  sermon  at  once  then,' 
he  urged,  '  for  they  are  gettin'  mi'ty  impatient 
now  I  can  tell  you.  You've  got  to  be  doin' 
somethin  pooty  quick.  But  whatever  you  do,' 
he  contin'ed,  '  don't  git  up  very  high  without 
havin'  some  idea  how  you  are  goin'  to  git  down 
ag'in.  Keep  steerin'  around  waters  that  you've 
piloted  over  before.  Remember  a  blind  mouse 
shouldn't  venture  very  far  from  its  hole,  espe- 
cially if  thar's  a  whole  generation  of  cats 
watchin'  of  it.' 

"  With  that  he  backed  down  to  his  seat  ag'in, 
and  took  out  his  pencil  and  began  to  design  a 
machine  for  pickin'  the  bones  out  of  fish,  on 
the  fly-leaf  of  a  book  that  was  lyin'  thar.     So 


A   TEXT    HARD   TO    FIND.  331 

I  Started  in  on  the  sermon.  It  wasn't  much  of 
a  sermon,  to  be  sure.  It  was  more  like  a 
lectur'.  I  couldn't  think  of  any  passages  of 
scriptur'  just  then,  so  I  gin  'em  the  line  from 
the  philosopher,  "  Why  does  the  frightened  dog 
depress  his  tail  when  he  runneth?  ' 

''You   ought  to  have  seen  'em  rustlin'  and 


turnin'  the  leaves,  huntin'  to  find  the  passage. 
One  old  feller  by  the  name  of  Spudd  com- 
menced to  paw  over  the  pages,  and  his  wife  ses, 
*  Don't  go  that  way  ;  turn  back  to  the  Book  of 
Job.'  He  looked  round  at  her  with  his  under 
lip  stickin'  out  jest  that  way,  arter  wettin'  of  his 
thumb  to  start  turnin'  over  ag'in,  and  ses,  *  Job 


332 


A    SOUND    BIBLE    SCHOLAR. 


be  biled  and  buttered  !  I  kin  pick  old  Solomon 
from  amongst  a  thousand  of  'em.  He  was 
sound  on  the  goose,  he  was.' 


THE   OLD   INTERROGATOR. 


NO    MORE    INTERRUPTIONS.  333 

''Two  or  three  of  'em  started  in  to  ask  me 
where  the  text  was  located,  but  I  kept  on  talkin' 
right  straight  along,  lookin'  around  to  all  of 
'em  at  once  and  no  one  in  particular.  I  didn't 
gin  'em  a  chance  to  stop  me  ag'in,  or  git  a 
word  in  edgeways.  One  singular-lookin'  old 
coon  with  a  weed  on  his  hat  got  up  and  stood 
signalin'  of  me,  and  waitin'  and  watchin'  for  a 
chance  to  ask  me  somethin'  But  I  never  let 
on  to  see  him.  I  reckon  he  stood  thar  five 
minutes  with  his  finger  up  pointin'  to  attract 
my  attention,  and  his  mouth  open  so  wide,  that 
from  my  elevated  position  I  could  tell  what  he 
had  swallowed  for  breakfast. 

"I  gin  'em  a  sort  of  ramblin'  discourse, 
alludin'  to  the  prevailin'  passions,  and  errors  of 
the  age.  Amongst  other  things  I  touched  on 
jealousy  a  little, — I  wanted  to  stir  'em  up  a 
trifle  on  that  subject,  because  there  was  a  great 
deal  of  jealousy  in  that  neighborhood.  The 
green-eyed  monster  was  a-rantin'  and  a-ravin' 
round  in  a  good  many  households,  and  as  it 
ginnerally  turns  out,  there  was  least  cause  for  it 
where  it  was  most  prevailin'.  One  old  feller 
was  moved  by  the  first  remark.     When  I  said 


334  THE    MEETING   OUT. 

— quotin'  from  the  poet — *  Jealousy  in  the  wife 
is  wuss  than  trichina  in  the  pork,'  he  leaned 
over  to  the  man  settin'  in  the  next  pew  and  ses, 
'  I  can't  tell  you  for  the  life  of  me  whar  he  gits 
the  passage,  but  it's  the  solid  truth,  anyhow.' 

"  So  I  went  on  and  finished  the  sermon,  or 
lectur'  ruther,  and  then  I  ses,  *  The  choir  will 
please  sing  the  hymn  beginnin'  "  Give,  give, 
give  to  the  needy,"  arter  which  I  will  pass 
around  amongst  the  congregation  and  take  up 
a  collection  for  the  benefit  of  the  heathen  in 
furrin  parts.' 

*' Je-whitteker !  You  ought  to  have  seen  'em 
turn  around  and  look  at  each  other  when  I  said 
that.  I  can't  describe  it  to  you.  I  can't  do  the 
scene  justiss.  If  I  had  told  'em  I  was  goin'  to 
stay  with  them  through  the  season,  I  could 
hardly  have  started  'em  to  thinkin'  any  more 
than  I  did  by  tellin'  'em  about  that  collection 
for  the  heathen  in  furrin  parts. 

"Arter  two  or  three  attempts  the  singin' 
began.  I  closed  my  eyes,  and  leanin'  back  in 
my  chair  minister-like,  commenced  to  estimate 
the  probable  yield  of  each  pew.  While  I  was 
thinkin'  thar,  and  cal'latin'  how  much  I  would 


A    MEAN    MAN.  335 

make  by  the  preachln'  business,  I  noticed  the 
singin'  dyin'  out,  and  a  dyin'  out  slowly  like,  as 
the  prisoner  said  his  hopes  were  when  the 
sheriff  was  a-fumblin'  around  his  neck  adjustin' 
the  rope.  So  I  opened  my  eyes  easy  like,  as 
though  comin'  back  to  earthly  scenes  reluctantly, 
and  you  can  water  my  whiskey  if  I  wasn't  just 
in  time  to  see  ole  Ned  Scullet's  coat-tails 
whiskin'  around  the  door  jamb,  the  hindmost 
rag  of  the  congregation.  Women  and  children 
and  all  were  gone  sure  enough.  On  lookin' 
out  of  the  winder  I  see  'em  a-scatterin'  and  a- 
hustlin'  and  elbowin'  themselves  ahead  of  each 
other  along  the  turnpike,  as  though  thar  was 
great  danger  in  bein'  left  behind. 

"  Would  you  believe  it,  thar  was  that  plaguey 
shirk  Gil  Bizby  a-cranin'  up  the  hill  a-leadin' 
the  crowd.  I  sat  thar  a  while  lookin'  after  'em 
and  then,  comin'  down  I  began  to  look  around 
a  little,  and  pooty  soon  I  noticed  that  several 
of  'em  left  thar  hats,  they  were  in  such  a  hurry 
to  git  out.  So  I  selected  a  good  one,  only  'twas 
a  little  out  of  fashion,  and  puttin'  it  on  I  ses  to 
myself,  '  If  you  think  I'm  interested  enough  in 
your  welfare  here  or  hereafter  to  preach  to  you 


^2,6         HOW   THE    MINISTER    GOT    HIS    PAY. 

for  nothin',  you're  mistaken,  I  reckon.'  With  that 
I  walked  out,  but  not  until  I  had  kicked  the 
remainin'  hats  around  the  room  pooty  lively. 

"  The  next  day  I  noticed  an  old  feller  with  a 
dilapidated  beaver  on,  that  looked  as  if  it  had 
done  duty  on  a  scarecrow  for  several  seasons, 
sidlin'  up  to  me,  and  circlin'  around  two  or 
three  times  lookin'  mi'ty  close  at  my  tile.  I'll 
aliers  think  it  was  his  stove-pipe,  but  he  was 
too  much  ashamed  to  come  right  out  and  lay 
claim  to  it. 

"  But  that  Gil  Bizby  !  I  didn't  wonder  so  much 
at  the  congregation  dustin',  arter  all,  cause  they 
didn't  know  me,  but  Ae/ — well,  no  matter,  I'll 
git  even  on  him  yet." 


THE  POISONED  PET. 


TT  was  my  good  fortune  the  other  day  to  attend 
a  picnic  in  the  country.  A  lady  friend  in- 
sisted on  tacking  her  pet  boy  to  me  on  that 
occasion.  As  she  couldn't  go  herself  she  wanted 
me  to  have  an  eye  to  ''sonney,"  and  see  that 
he  didn't  come  in  contact  with  poison-oak.  She 
assured  me  he  was  a  good  boy  and  would  mind 
me  as  if  I  was  his  father  i  I  didn't  pine  for  the 
pet's  company,  but  could  not  very  well  refuse 
her  request.     So  he  went  with  me. 

I  very  soon  found  out  he  was  one  of  those 
smart  children,  who,  by  a  strange  freak  of  nature, 
are  placed  in  possession  of  an  impudence  that 
prompts  them  to  believe  they  know  more  at  the 
age  of  eight  than  your  average  adult. 

My  will  and  his  wishes  soon  clashed. 

Then  the  thought  entered  my  head  that  his 

mother   misrepresented    "  sonney's "    obedient 

nature.     "If  this  is  the  obedience  that  an  off- 
22  337 


338  HAVING    CHARGE    OF    A    GOOD    BOY. 

spring  manifests  to  a  father,"  I  mentally  mur- 
mured, "  it  were  better  to  be  destitute  of  the 
offspring."  The  boy  sauced  me.  He  even  went 
so  far  as  to  call  me  names  anything  but  flatter- 
ing, while  I  was  sitting  in  the  presence  of  a 
young  lady  I  most  ardently  adored.  "Go  on, 
sonney!"  I  said  to  myself  savagely,  "go  on, 
precocious  youth,  there  are  no  raging  bears  in 
this  suburban  park  to  tear  the  flesh  from  the 
bones  of  mouthy  children  who  '  sauce '  their 
betters,  as  did  the  animals  in  the  days  of 
prophets ;  but  nature  in  other  ways  has  made 
provision  for  such  as  you,  and  has  sprinkled  a 
few  shrubs  around  here  that  can  pile  the  flesh 
on  to  a  person's  bones  to  an  alarming  degree, 
if  they  get  a  fair  chance." 

After  that  I  paid  no  attention  to  him.  He  ran 
at  will,  browsed  through  the  vines  like  a  hungry 
deer,  and  burrowed  Into  the  very  heart  of 
the  poison-oak  and  ivy,  with  as  little  fear  as  a 
quail  retiring  to  roost.  He  enjoyed  himself 
immensely;  so  he  Informed  me  in  the  evening. 
I  am  glad  he  did,  for  he  is  having  a  quiet  time 
of  it  now.  I  saw  him  this  morning,  and  his  face 
was  as  full  of  expression  as  a  Christmas  pud- 


AN    EXPRESSIVE    FACE.  339 

ding  new  rolled  from  the  cloth.  I  think  my  lady 
friend  will  not  be  over-anxious  to  appoint  me 
guardian  over  her  dutiful  son  at  another  picnic. 
In  the  interests  of  art  I  have  made  a  sketch  of 


HAVING    A    QUIET   TIME. 


''sonney"  as  he  appeared  this  morning,  striving 
to  recognize  me  by  my  voice,  which  he  failed  to 
do,  however,  being  deaf  as  he  was  blind. 


SEEKING  FOR  A  WIFE. 


A  ND  it  came  to  pass  about  the  year  one  thou- 
^~^  sand  eight  hundred  and  seventy-three, 
being  in  the  autumn,  when  the  new  wine  was 
oozing  from  the  press,  and  the  corn  was  harden- 
ing in  the  crib,  a  bachelor,  a  farmer  of  great 
possessions,  dwelHng  in  the  valley  of  Berry- 
essa,  bent  above  his  resting  plow,  and  thus 
communed  with  himself : — 

"  My  stacks  are  builded,  my  wine  is  dripping 
from  the  press,  the  ripe  ears  are  garnered  in 
my  cribs,  my  flocks  and  herds  feed  fat  upon  the 
hills  ;  and  yet,  because  of  my  loneliness,  am  I 
unhappy. 

"  I  will  arise  at  eve  and  repair  to  my  neigh- 
bor's cottage.  Peradventure  the  aged  widow 
of  the  murdered  gypsy  can  counsel  me." 

So  when  the  evening  hour  was  come,  the 
farmer  arose  and  sought  the  aged  widow's 
abode. 

340 


SEEKING    ADVICE. 


341 


And  as  he  drew  nigh  to  the  cottage,  he  Hfted 
up  his  eyes  and,  behold  !  the  crone  sat  upon 
her  doorstep. 


rC''^^^  ,  H^^^ 


THE  CRONE. 


And  when  the  dame  looked  upon  the  farmer 
she  knew  his  heart  was  troubled  ;  but  she  knew 
not  the  cause. 


342  CONFIDENTIAL   CONVERSE. 

So,  lifting  up  her  voice  she  cried,  inquiringly  : 
*'  What  aileth  my  neighbor  ?  Has  aught  befel 
thy  goods  ?  Has  bruin  descended  from  the 
mountains  to  worry  thy  flocks?  Or,  are  thy 
stacks  consumed?  that  thus  you  droop  your 
eyelids  to  the  path,  and  move  as  by  a  hearse." 

And  the  farmer,  drawing  nigh,  replied  :  "  My 
flocks  unharmed  graze  sleek  upon  the  hills  ;  my 
stacks  stand  unconsumed ;  yet  is  my  spirit 
heavy,  because  my  walks  are  lonely  and  my 
heart  is  sad,  and  I  come  as  one  seeking  coun- 
sel." 

Then  answered  the  dame  reprovingly  :  "  Out 
upon  thee,  for  a  fusty,  dreamy  bachelor  !  Go 
take  to  thyself  a  wife  ;  then  will  thy  walks  be 
no  more  lonely,  neither  will  thy  heart  be  sad." 

But  he,  answering  her  sorrowfully,  said  : 
"  Mock  me  not,  good  madam,  but  look  with 
pitying  eyes  upon  me,  and  hearken  to  my  voice. 

"  Behold  I  am  now  well  stricken  in  years,  my 
body  is  stooping  to  the  grave,  my  manners,  like 
my  hands,  are  rough  ;  my  blood,  like  my  hair, 
is  thin  ;  and  my  teeth  but  shine  in  memories  of 
the  past. 

"  How,   then,    can    I   win    maidens'   hearts  ? 


Money  makes  the  mare  go.  343 

Alas  !  on  the  contrary,  they  would  giggling  flee 
from  before  me  ;  no  hope  for  me  remains ;  if  I 
would  wed,  I  needs  must  wed  a  squaw !"  And 
his  countenance  fell. 

Then  was  the  crone  exceedingly  displeased, 
because  he  said,  'T  needs  must  wed  a  squaw," 
and  she  answered  him  derisively,  saying : — 

"  Go  to  !  Ye  speak  as  with  the  beak  of  a 
parrot,  and  with  the  understanding  of  a  babe! 
Are  ye  studied  in  books  and  know  not  the 
proverb,  '  A  golden  snare  will  catch  the  wildest 
hare  ? ' 

"  Do  not  your  stacks  dot  the  vale  below  like 
an  Egyptian  camp  ?  Are  not  your  tanks  brim- 
ming with  wine  and  your  cribs  grinning  with 
corn  ? 

"  Do  not  your  cattle  graze  upon  an  hundred 
hills  ?  and  your  industrious  laborers  follow  in 
the  furrow?  And  are  ye  still  afeared?  Oh, 
ye  of  doubting  mind  ! 

"  Go,  get  thee  to  thy  chest  and  take  to  thy- 
self suitable  coin,  and  hasten  to  that  great  city 
by  the  sea — whose  churches  point  to  heaven, 
but  whose  people  bow  to  gold. 


344 


THE    CRONE  S    ADVICE. 


''There  sojourn  for  a  season,  and  make 
no  delay  in  adorning  thyself  with  precious 
stones. 

"  Put  diamonds  upon  thy  bosom  and  rings 
upon  thy  fingers,  and  be  zealous  to  stand  in 
the  hall-ways  and  in  the  market-places,  and  in 
the  houses  of  exchange. 

"  Seek  to  be  observed  of  the  people,  and 
take  heed  that  ye  look  upon  all  men  as  being 
thy  servants. 

"  And  let  thy  wealth  be  noised  abroad. 

"Then  shall  rise  up  in  the  house  of  mourn- 
ing the  widow  of  a  month,  and  dry  her  weep- 
ing eyes. 

"  Then  shall  the  maid  of  many  summers  lay 
aside  her  pets,  to  readjust  her  charms,  and  dis- 
inter her  smiles. 

"Then  shall  the  doting  damsel,  when  her 
parent  maketh  fast  the  door,  creep  out  some 
other  way. 

"  And  they  all  shall  come  trooping  as  with 
the  voice  of  birds  to  court  thy  smiles  and  thy 
manners,  and  thy  years  shall  be  as  the  silk  of 
the  spider  in  thy  way." 


HE  TAKES  AN  EARLY  START. 


345 


Then  was  he  exceedingly  glad  because  of  the 
crone's  advice,  and  he  went  away  to  his  own 
home  rejoicing. 


ATTENDING   TO   BUSINESS. 

And  on  the  morrow  he  arose  before  It  was 


46  A    NIBBLE    AT   THE    BAIT. 


yet  day,  and  saddled  his  mule,  and  journeyed 
to  the  great  city  by  the  sea,  and  lodged  at  the 
house  of  a  friend. 

And  he  made  haste  to  purchase  diamonds, 
and  rubies,  and  emeralds,  and  onyx-stones,  and 
sapphires,  and  put  massive  rings  upon  his 
fingers,  and  seals  upon  his  chain. 

And  even  as  the  crone  had  directed,  he 
scrupled  not  to  stand  in  the  hall-ways,  and  in 
the  market-places,  and  in  the  houses  of  ex- 
change, and  sought  to  be  observed  of  the 
people,  and  lived  as  a  man  having  great  pos- 
sessions. 

And  not  many  days  after,  a  fair  lady  of  that 
place  looking  from  her  window,  saw  that  the 
stranger  shone  like  the  mid-day  sun,  even  so 
much  that  her  heart  was  warmed. 

So  she  called  the  keeper  of  the  house  aside 
and  questioned  him  concerning  the  stranger, 
saying  : — 

*'Who  is  this  stranger  that  lodgeth  in  thy 
house,  who  beameth  with  jewels  like  the  noon- 
day sun  ?  Make  him  known  to  me,  for  he  is  a 
choice  and  goodly  man,  and  my  heart  warmeth 
for  the  stranger." 


AN    ENTICING   TALiE. 


347 


Then  answered  the  good  man  of  the  house, 
*'  He  is  a  sojourner  from  the  valley  of  Berry- 
essa,  and  lo,  he  is  a  man  of  great  possessions ; 


PARTNEK    WANTED. 


and  moreover,  take  heed  if  he  cometh  in  your 
way,  that  ye  smile  graciously  upon  him,  for  be 
it  known  unto  you  he  is  a  bachelor,  who  cometh 
amongst  us  seeking  a  wife." 


348  GRACIOUS   SMILES. 

Then  was  the  damsel  exceedingly  moved. 

i\nd  when  it  came  to  pass  that  the  stranger 
was  introduced  to  her,  she  smiled  graciously 
upon  him,  and  she  opened  her  mouth  and  spake 
knowingly  of  barley,  and  of  rye,  and  of  corn  in 
the  ear,  and  of  tares. 

And  she  also  spake  of  four-footed  beasts,  of 
calves,  of  pigs,  and  of  goats,  and  cattle  after 
their  kind  ;  and  of  fowls ;  of  doves,  and  of 
ducks,  and  of  geese,  and  poultry  after  their 
kind. 

And  she  spoke  also  of  cabbages,  and  of 
squashes,  and  of  turnips,  and  of  new  laid  eggs, 
and  of  honey,  and  of  buckwheat  cakes,  and  of 
cheese,  and  of  sausages! 

And  lo  !  the  farmer's  heart  was  touched,  for 
she  was  comely  to  look  upon,  and  wise  withal. 

And  he  communed  within  himself,  saying : 
''Surely  this  maid  would  indeed  be  a  great 
catch,  she  would  make  her  husband's  home 
cheerful,  and  in  divers  ways  pluck  from  the 
palm  of  life  the  festering  thorns.  Beshrew  me, 
but  I  will  lay  strong  siege  to  the  damsel's  heart." 

So  he  made  haste  to  pull  wide  open  the  mouth 
of  his  purse  and  loaded  her  with  presents  for 


HAPPILY   WEDDED.  349 

the  damsel  had  found  favor  In  his  eyes,  and  he 
sought  to  win  her. 

And  not  many  days  after  he  espoused  the 
maiden,  and  there  was  great  feasting  and  merry 
making  at  that  house,  and  the  same  was  heard 
of  the  neighbors. 

And  on  the  following  day,  the  farmer  took 
her  to  his  own  home,  in  the  valley  of  Berryessa, 
and  they  lived  happily  together  for  the  space  of 
many  years. 


DAVID  GOYLE,  THE  MILLER  MAN, 


"  'Tis  a  strange  cap :    'Twill  give   and  take,   and  fit  many 
heads." — Old  Volume. 

r\A,  will  you  hear  with  patient  ear, 
^     The  story  I'll  relate 
About  man's  infidelity, 

And  learn  his  losses  great  ? 

There  lived  a  little  miller  once, 

Who  owned  a  tiny  mill ; 
While  there  was  water  in  his  pond 

The  stones  were  never  still. 


350  HONEST    INDUSTRY. 

For  not  a  man  the  country  round, 

From  Inyo  to  the  Bay, 
Was  closer  to  his  business  found, 

Than  David  Goyle,  they  say. 

Let  people  pass  at  eve,  or  noon, 

Or  at  the  break  of  day, 
They'd  see  the  dusty  miller  there 

And  hear  the  hoppers  play; 
But  when  the  narrow  stream  run  dry, 

The  miller  was  at  fault ; 
The  rack-a-tacket  mill  reposed 

As  silent  as  a  vault. 

The  little  vicious  artisan 

Had  spun  his  silken  snare 
Across  the  dusty  flour-chute, 

And  silent  gearing  there  ; 
While  in  the  elevator's  cup 

Was  heard  the  mouse's  squeak. 
And  village  children  in  the  flume 

Dry-shod,  played  hide-and-seek. 

Said  David  to  his  wife  one  day, 

''  I  think,  while  water's  low, 
I'll  take  a  business  trip  to  town. 

Just  for  a  week  or  so ; 
I  have  not  ground  a  peck  of  grain, 

'Tis  now  eight  days  or  more ; 
But  sat  and  picked,  and  picked  the  stones, 

And  dressed  their  surface  o'er." 


THE    WIFE  S    WARNING.  35  I 

Then  turned  his  little  loving  wife — 

With  much  concern,  said  she, 
"  I  hope  while  you  are  stopping  there. 

That  you  will  careful  be ; 
And  shun  those  dark  and  narrow  streets 

Where  rogues  do  congregate, 
And  look  from  out  their  low  retreats 

As  spiders  watch  and  wait. 

*'  Have  not  the  city  papers  teemed 

With  incidents,  wherein 
Some  people  proved  not  what  they  seemed, 

And  took  the  stranger  in  ? 
Then  trust  not  smiles,  or  cunning  wiles ; 

Be  careful  where  you  tread  ; 
The  very  ground  beneath  your  feet 

With  pitfalls  may  be  spread ; 
There's  not  a  trick,  a  trap,  or  plot. 

Or  scheme  of  any  sort — 
From  playing  fine  to  drugging  wine — 

To  which  they'll  not  resort." 

Then  leaned  this  little  miller  man 

Away  back  in  his  chair, 
And  laughed  until  his  anxious  wife 

Thought  he  would  strangle  there. 
Said  he,  **  You  much  amuse  me,  wife; 

Have  you  forgot,  my  dear. 
That  I  have  traveled  in  my  life. 

And  came  from  Jersey  here  ? 


352  MEETS    WITH    TEMPTATION. 

"  Or  can  you  for  a  moment  think 

Your  husband's  mind  is  crude? 
Or  deem  that  I  the  cup  would  drink, 

By  Temperance  men  tabooed  ? 
Those  who  can  get  the  start  of  me, 

In  country  or  in  town, 
By  Jove,  must  early  risers  be, 

And  you  can  put  that  down." 

For  he  was  vain,  this  miller  man. 
Who  thought  his  mind  so  vast ; 

But  look  with  me,  and  we  will  see 
How  he  comes  out  at  last. 

In  course  of  time  he  reached  the  town. 

To  stop  a  week  or  more ; 
And  in  a  large  hotel  was  lodged, 

Upon  the  second  floor  ; 
If  you  should  doubt  my  word  in  this. 

Step  over  to  the  **  Grand ;  " 
You'll  find  his  name  recorded  there, 

And  in  a  scrawling  hand. 

It  chanced — but  hold  !  ere  more  I  say, 

Or  sentence  more  you  read. 
Are  you  prepared  with  me  to  stray 

Wherever  he  may  lead  ? 
You  are  !  all  right,  then  "  on's  "  the  word, 

Again  my  pen  I  hold, 
And  blame  me  not,  if  I  should  jot 

Down  facts  he'd  wish  untold. 


SCRAPING  ACQUAINTANCE. 

It  chanced  while  Dave  was  stroUing  down 

A  certain  crowded  street, — 
(Its  name  at  present  slips  my  mind, 

Or  you'd  have  all  complete) — 
He  met  a  stranger  in  the  way, 

Who  brought  him  to  a  stand; 
He  smiled  upon  him  as  in  joy 

And  reached  a  friendly  hand. 


353 


THE    NEW   ACQUAINTANCE. 


He  hailed  the  stranger,  no,  I  think. 
The  stranger  him  addressed  ; 

I  would  not  do  the  fellow  wrong, 
He's  bad  enough  at  best. 
23 


354  IN  "^^^  TOILS. 

The  stranger  spoke  him  very  free ; 

He  came  from  Jersey,  too ; 
For  he  was  sharp  as  one  can  be; 

He  thought  his  folks  he  knew. 

"There  was  a  Goyle ; — yes,  yes,  I'm  sure; 

How  strange  that  we  should  meet ! 
I've  passed  his  house  a  thousand  times, 

And  met  him  on  the  street." 
The  miller  scarce  could  credit  this ; 

But  frank  he  seemed  and  fair. 
So  he  resolved  to  step  inside. 

And  talk  the  matter  there. 

There  is  a  drug  that  bunco  men 

Do  mingle  with  the  wine 
They  give  to  country  friends  like  Dave, 

For  what,  I  can't  divine. 
Perhaps  those  thoughtful  rascals  deem 

The  noisiness  of  town 
Might  not  allow  refreshing  sleep 

To  weigh  their  eyelids  down. 

But  whether  this  the  cause,  or  not, 

Enough  for  you  and  me 
To  know,  the  wine  that  David  got 

Was  not  from  mixtures  free  ! 
Oh !  for  a  club  to  brain  the  knave 

Who  could  not  see  the  snare ; 
Oh !  for  a  spade  to  dig  his  grave, 

And  dump  him  headlong  there, 


A    STARTLED    AWAKING.  355 

The  night  has  passed  away  at  last; 

Now  hand  in  hand  we'll  scout, 
Now  here,  now  there,  with  greatest  care, 

To  search  that  miller  out. 
Thus,  side  and  side,  we  first  will  glide 

O'er  letter,  word,  and  line  ; 
Until  we  stand  that  house  beside, 

Where  Dave  was  drinking  wine. 

Oh,  sight!  so  painful  to  the  eyes, 

It  dims  them  hke  a  fog ! 
Within  the  house  the  miller  lies, 

As  still  as  any  log ! 
And  not  until  the  sun  was  high, 

And  bells  in  towers  spoke, 
From  out  that  deep  lethargic  sleep 

He  wonderingly  awoke. 

He  gazed  upon  the  papered  wall  ; 

The  ceiling  overhead  ; 
But  strange  was  paper,  pictures  all. 

The  foot-board  of  the  bed. 
Swift  as  the  lightning's  flash  destroys 

The  spider's  flimsy  toil, 
Suspicion  traveled  through  the  head 

Of  the  awakening  Goyle. 

As  starts  the  lodger  from  repose, 

When  flames  burst  in  the  door, 
So  suddenly  that  miller  rose, 

And  bounced  upon  the  floor; 


356  THE    DISTRESSING   DISCOVERY. 

One  stride  sufficed  to  reach  the  chair; 

On  which  his  robes  were  cast ; 
But  seemed  it  to  that  man  an  age, 

Until  he  grasped  them  fast. 

No  nimbler  does  the  maiden's  hand 

Play  o'er  the  keys  of  sound, 
Than  did  that  miller's  fingers  glide 

In  searching  pockets  round. 
In  vain  he  felt  from  tail  to  top ; 

The  thief  had  gone  before. 
And  harvested  a  golden  crop. 

While  he  did  dream  and  snore. 

Gone  was  his  purse,  and  all  within ; 

A  ring  he  valued  more  ; 
Gone  watch  and  chain,  the  diamond  pin 

That  on  his  scarf  he  wore. 
His  little  wife  with  miser  care, 

(And  warning  words,  no  doubt,) 
With  her  own  hands  affixed  it  there 

The  morning  he  set  out. 

Enraged,  that  miller  waltzed  around. 

And  like  his  hopper  shook  : 
And  swore  by  all  the  grists  he  ground, 

And  all  the  tolls  he  took, 
That  since  the  days  when  he  was  schooled 

In  games  of  pitch  and  toss, 
He  never  was  so  deeply  fooled, 

Or  so  betrayed  to  loss ! 


THE    PANTALOON    DANCE. 

Ten  times  at  least,  that  pallid  man 

Strove  to  insinuate 
His  nervous  limbs  into  his  pants, 

But  failed  to  guide  them  straight. 
First  hop,  hop,  hop,  to  left  he  went, 

Now,  hop,  hop,  hop,  to  right ! 
Then  hop,  hop,  backwards,  till  he  rent 

The  pants  asunder  quite  ! 


357 


A  ONE-SIDED   OPERATION. 


Now  partly  in  and  partly  out, 
He  polka'd  here  and  there, 

Now  chasse  up,  now  chasse  back. 
Then  balanced  o'er  the  chair. 


358  SEEKING   JUSTICE. 

At  last  his  toilet  was  complete, 
The  yawning  rent  was  pinned, 

And  out  into  the  narrow  street 
He  bolted  like  the  wind. 

He  traveled  towards  the  City  Hall, 

And  vowed  at  every  bound 
That  justice  would  he  seek  and  have. 

If  justice  could  be  found. 
The  milkmen  stopped  their  reckless  drive, 

Or  dropped  the  cup  and  can, 
And  leaned  to  catch  a  glimpse  of  Dave 

As  down  the  street  he  ran. 

Old  women  early  out  to  mass 

When  Dave  went  racking  by. 
Would  jump  aside  to  let  him  pass. 

Then  to  each  other  cry  : 
"The  saints  protect  us !  see  him  go 

Upon  his  wild  career ; 
A  crazy  creature  well  I  know, 

From  some  asylum  near." 

Suffice  it  here  to  be  explained 

Before  I  close  the  tale, 
The  justice  David  Goyle  obtained, 

Was  not  of  much  avail. 

Go  net  the  sea  to  catch  the  whale 

That  did  on  Jonah  dine  ; 
Go  rake  the  land  to  find  the  stone 

That  slew  the  Philistine ; 


REPENTANCE   TOO    LATE.  359 

But  seek  not  her  whose  hoodwink'd  eyes, 

Proclaim  her  deahngs  just; 
Well  hangs  her  balance  in  the  skies, 

For  here  on  earth  they'd  rust. 

The  rumbling  stones  are  grinding  now. 

The  water's  rushing  down  ; 
But  do  not  bet  that  miller  yet 

Forgets  his  trip  to  town. 
For  every  waking  hour  he  knows 

Throughout  the  twenty-four, 
His  scowling  face  and  muttering  shows 

He  counts  his  losses  o'er. 

There's  not  a  time  he  laves  his  hands. 

But  what  that  ring  is  missed ! 
(Its  gold  he  gathered  from  the  sands, 

A  gift  the  amethyst). 
And  oh,  the  query  gives  him  pain, 

"  What  is  the  time  of  day  ?  " 
For  to  the  missing  watch  and  chain 

The  miller's  mind  will  stray. 
And  now  no  more  upon  his  breast 

The  brilliant  diamond  shines, 
Its  lustre  falls  in  other  halls 

Where  flow  the  noxious  wines. 


■t^~>i 


^•^^^-*- 


HEELS  UP  AND  HEAD  DOWN. 


A  STOUT  old  gentleman  was  enjoying  the 
^^  luxury  of  a  salt-water  bath  in  the  bay,  a 
short  distance  from  where  I  was  fishing.  As 
he  was  a  poor  swimmer — notwithstanding  he 
had  a  good  supply  of  blubber — he  attached  a 
couple  of  inflated  air-bags  to  his  shoulders,  by 
means  of  a  string  under  his  arm-pits.  During 
his  splashing  about,  and  his  repeated  endeavors 
to  strike  out  like  Cassius  bearino^  Csesar  from 
the  troubled  waters  of  the  Tiber,  the  floats 
changed  their  position  from  his  shoulders  to  his 
hips.  This  change  he  was  not  prepared  for, 
and  the  result  was  distressing  in  the  extreme. 
He  immediately  commenced  sinking — as  sailors 
say — by  the  head.  In  vain  would  he  make  long 
and  desperate  reaches  toward  the  bottom,  striv- 
ing to  anchor  his  feet  in  the  soft  sand.  Just  as 
his  toes  would  touch  the  bed  below,  the  buoy- 
ancy  of  the  supports  and  under-current  com 
bined  would  prevail  against  him. 
360 


A   QUEER    FISH.  36 1 

Up  would  come  his  pedal  extremities  to  the 
surface,  and  consequently  down  he  would  go, 
head  first,  like  a  pearl  diver,  grasping  at  the 
pebbles  beneath.  After  making  a  commotion 
in  the  water  like  the  screw  of  a  tug  boat,  which 
brought  small  crabs  and  craw-fish  to  the  top 
with  dismembered  limbs,  he  would  manage  to 
get  his  head  above  water  long  enough  to  get  a 
mouthful  of  fresh  air,  but  retire  immediately 
below  to  digest  it.  Some  Italian  fishermen, 
running  in  from  the  offing  with  their  day's 
catch,  sighted  the  old  orentleman  beatinor  off  the 
Point.  They  mistook  him  for  a  "devil  fish,'*  or 
some  other  odd-looking  inhabitant  of  the  briny 
deep,  disporting  itself  in  the  sheltered  waters 
of  the  bay.  Getting  out  their  hooks  and  har- 
poons ready  for  action,  and  changing  course, 
they  bore  down  with  all  possible  speed  in  the 
direction  of  the  sinp-ular  monster. 

The  wind  was  blowing  quite  fresh,  and  it 
wasn't  long  until  the  Italians  came  nigh  enough 
to  ascertain  the  real  state  of  affairs,  and  rescue 
the  unfortunate  swimmer  from  his  perilous 
situation.  The  fishermen  rolled  the  old  gentle- 
man over  a  keg  they  had  in  the  boat  for  half  an 


362  A   BATH-TUB    AMPLE. 

hour,  before  his  stomach  could  be  emptied  of 
its  washy  load  and  breathing  rendered  easy. 
When  sufficiently  relieved  to  admit  of  speech, 
the  bather  gave  his  rescuers  to  understand  that 
in  future  the  tide  might  ebb  and  flow,  be  warm 
as  milk  new  drawn  from  the  cow,  and  tranquil 
as  a  frozen  pond,  but  a  common  bath-tub  would 
be  rivers,  lakes — yea,  oceans — to  him  during  the 
remainder  of  his  natural  life. 


THE  BITTER  END. 


T  71  THILE  in  one  of  the  interior  counties  to- 
'  ^  day  I  stood  beside  the  graves  of  six 
members  of  one  household.  The  father  and 
his  five  sons  all  fell  in  one  sanguinary  family 
feud. 

It  seems  an  ill  feeling  had  long  existed  be- 
tween two  families  named  respectively  Frost 
and  Coates.     Though  they  frequently  indulged 


AN    OLD    FEUD.  '  363 

in  small  skirmishes — from  which  black  eyes, 
bloody  noses,  or  slit  ears  were  the  principal 
trophies  borne  away — they  had  never  met  when 
their  full  forces  were  under  arms.  And  for  the 
happy  hour  that  would  bring  about  such  a  meet- 
ing, each  party  looked  forward  with  interest,  if 
not  impatience. 

A  day  arrived  at  last,  full  of  promise.  It  was 
an  election  day.  Each  party  expected  the  other 
out  in  strength,  with  furbished  arms,  and  pre- 
pared themselves  accordingly.  They  took  the 
street,  resolved,  that — 

"  Ere  the  bat  had  flown 
His  cloistered  flight :  ere  to  black  Hecate's  summons 
The  shard-borne  beetle,  with  his  drowsy  hums. 
Had  rung  night's  yawning  peal,  there  would  be  done 
A  deed  of  dreadful  note." 

Two  planets  keep  not  their  motion  in  one 
sphere,  nor  could  two  quarrelsome  families 
move  long  in  a  small  village,  or  freely  patronize 
the  same  groggeries  without  a  collision.  To- 
wards evening  they  met,  some  mounted  and 
more  on  foot,  and  from  low  jests  amongst  them- 
selves respecting  each  other's  lack  of  prowess 
upon   former   occasions,  the  controversy  soon 


364 


LIVELY   TIMES. 


reached  the  point  of  positive  contradictions.  As 
the  *Mie  direct"  is  equivalent  to  a  well-devel- 
oped kick  to  your  average  fighting  man,  hostili- 
ties soon  commenced. 

The  Coates  family  opened  the  engagement 


LIVELY  WORK. 


with  a  brisk  fusilade,  and  at  the  first  fire  the 
gray-bearded  patriarch  of  the  Frost  faction  went 
down  with  all  his  imperfections  on  his  head. 

The  firing  now  became  general.     '*  From  rank 
to  rank,  the  volleyed  thunder  flew." 


A   FIGHT   AND    A   FUNERAL.  365 

Neutral  parties  fled  from  the  street,  and  for 
a  time  transacted  business  with  "closed  doors." 
The  report  of  the  firearms  frightened  the  horse 
of  a  disinterested  gendeman,  who  was  riding 
through  the  village,  and  despite  his  efforts  to 
control  the  animal,  it  dashed  directly  between 
the  belligerent  parties.  The  fighting  men,  how- 
ever, did  not  slacken  fire  on  his  account,  but 
blazed  away  without  seeming  to  notice  or  care 
whether  the  agitated  stranger  went  down  in  the 
general  melee  or  not.  Fortunately,  the  gende- 
man escaped  injury,  but  it  was  certainly  more 
by  chance  than  good  guidance.  It  is  said  so 
rapid  was  the  fire  that  a  steady  blaze  seemed 
issuing  from  the  muzzle  of  their  weapons. 
When  the  smoke  of  batde  raised,  five  of  the 
Coates  family  were  lying  dead. 

On  the  other  side.  Frost  and  one  of  his  sons 
were  killed,  and  a  son-in-law  mortally  wounded. 
People  say  the  funeral  was  a  saddening  specta- 
cle. Amongst  the  mourners  were  mothers, 
daughters,  sisters  and  wives. 

But  the  end  was  not  yet. 

Before  the  grass  had  taken  root  upon  the 
graves,  the  ground  was  again  broken,  and  an- 


366  SUSPICION   BUT  NOT   PROOF. 

Other  victim  of  the  malignant  feud  was  hidden 
from  the  sight  of  friends  and  foes. 

The  fires  of  hate  still  smouldered,  and  within 
a  year  another  of  the  Coates  family  was  put 
Jiors  du  combat,  while  going  one  night  from  the 
village  to  his  ranch. 

He  was  seen  leaving  for  home  on  horseback 
at  nine  o'clock,  but  about  ten  his  horse  ran 
masterless  into  the  farm-yard.  The  man  was 
found  lying  by  the  roadside  dead,  a  bullet  having 
passed  through  his  head.  Suspicion  reverted 
to  the  Frost  family,  but  no  proof  could  be 
brought  to  establish  their  guilt.  The  public 
finger  still  points  toward  them,  however,  and 
doubdess  will  continue  so  to  do  for  many  a  day, 
or  undl  the  mystery  is  cleared  up. 


A  TRIP  TO  THE  INTERIOR. 


A  FLYING  trip  into  the  interior  has  not 
^^  favorably  impressed  me.  There  were  too 
many  mosquitoes — too  many  graybacks.  It  is 
too  far  from  civilization,  and  too  nigh  the  sun. 
I  stopped  over  night  in  a  small  city,  and  the 
first  thing  that  attracted  my  attention  on  enter- 
ing the  place  was  the  pale  and  sickly  look  of 
the  inhabitants.  This  I  attributed  to  the  fever 
and  ague,  the  hot  weather,  and  Impure  river 
water  which  they  drink.  I  was  credibly  in- 
formed by  several  parties  that  their  pallor  was 
owing  to  the  quantity  of  blood  that  is  nightly 
extracted  from  their  veins  by  the  mosquitoes. 
From  the  number  of  these  pests  infesting  the 
place,  it  has  taken  the  name  of  "  The  Mosquito 
City." 

Those  people  who  cannot  indulge  in  such  a 
luxury  as  mosquito  bars,  have  to  sleep  during 
the  day.     They  sit  up   nights    and    wage   war 

367 


^,68  THE    FEROCIOUS    MOSQUITO. 


o 


against  their  ferocious  enemies  with  tobacco 
smoke,  burning  leather,  wet  towels,  or  any  other 
weapon  to  which  they  can  conveniently  resort. 

To  be  stung  by  a  black  hornet  or  a  scorpion 
is  bad  ;  to  be  bitten  by  a  tarantula  or  rattle- 
snake is  worse ;  but  to  be  punctured  to  the 
bone  by  the  bugle  of  one  of  these  mosquitoes  is 
terrible.     They  are  enormous  insects.     When 


A  MOSQUITO   ON   THE    SCENT. 


flying  through  the  air  they  are  as  discernible  as 
thisde-down,  or  even  humming  birds.  The 
sharp  tube  through  which  they  sap  their  vic- 
tim's blood  is  fully  three-quarters  of  an  inch 
long,  and  resembles  a  cambric  needle ;  this 
they  steadily  and  unhesitatingly  press  into  the 
flesh  until  they  either  strike  a  bone,  or  their 
forehead  prevents  them  from  doing  deeper 
injury. 


LYING    IN    AMBUSH.  369 

Towards  evening  they  rise  with  pining  maws 
from  the  low,  damp  land  around  the  city — 

"  Innumerable  as  the  blades  of  green, 
That  carpet  the  vale  of  the  San  Joaquin ;" 

and  as  they  close  in  upon  the  devoted  inhabit- 
ants, their  blended  cries  swell  in  pitch  and  com- 
pass until  the  sound  resembles  the  impassioned 
tone  of  a  fish-peddler's  horn.  I  stopped  at  a 
hotel  in  the  lower  part  of  the  city,  and  before 
retiring  for  the  night  looked  carefully  about  the 
room.  As  few  mosquitoes  were  in  sight,  I  con- 
cluded to  sleep  without  using  the  bar.  Con- 
gratulating myself  on  being  assigned  a  room 
where  so  few  of  the  common  enemy  of  man 
were  lying  in  wait,  I  extinguished  the  light  and 
turned  in. 

Scarce  was  I  stretched  upon  the  couch  when 

*'  At  once  there  rose  such  hungry  yells, 
From  every  point  the  compass  tells," 

that  I  lost  no  time  in  striking  a  light  and  adjust- 
ing the  netting.  I  now  saw  them  emerging 
from  every  conceivable  hiding  place.  Troop- 
ing they  came,  from  behind  picture-frames, 
from  under  the  bureau ;  out  of  vases  and 
24 


370  ON    THE    WAR-PATH. 

old  empty  bottles.  They  were  climbing  and 
clambering  and  pitching  towards  me  with 
energy.  I  noticed  a  steady  stream  of  them 
shooting  out  of  the  closet  through  the  key- 
hole, with  such  velocity  that  they  went  warping 
half-way  across  the  apartment  before  they 
could  check  themselves  sufficiently  to  tack 
around  and   dive  for  the   bed. 

They  had  all  they  bargained  for,  to  get 
safely  through  that  key-hole,  too.  There  was 
not  much  spare  room,  I  can  tell  you.  But  for 
the  great  pressure  from  behind  kept  up  by 
others  anxious  to  get  through,  many  a  large 
fellow  would  have  been  sticking  in  that  open- 
ing yet.  But  once  they  got  started  in,  there 
w^as  no  backing  out  ;  no,  indeed !  On  !  on ' 
was  the  cry,  and  they  pressed  forward  with  a 
rush,  often  sacrificing  a  leg  or  wing  by  the 
maneuver.  But  they  didn't  seem  to  care  for 
the  loss  of  one  of  those  members  so  long  as 
their  bill  remained  intact.  Deprive  a  mos- 
quito of  one  wing,  and  he  will  seem  to  laugh 
at  you  while  he  makes  the  other  do  doublf 
duty.  Brush  off  one  leg,  and  he  will  shake  th^' 
remaining  ones  triumphantly  in  your  face. 


A  mosquito's  weak  point.  371 

But  damage  his  bill  and  you  demoralize  him 
at  once.  He  becomes  immediately  disheartened. 
He  loses  caste  among  his  companions  and  con- 
fidence In  himself.  He  wabbles  about  here  and 
there  to  no  purpose,  like  an  old  bachelor.  You 
deprive  him  at  once  of  his  song  and  his  supper. 


TO   THE    HILT   IN   BLOOD, 


You  can  hardly  picture  to  yourself  a  more  de- 
jected insect,  one  more  hopelessly  down  in  the 
mouth.  He  withdraws  to  the  celling,  or  curtain, 
and  looks  with  envious  eyes  upon  his  associates 
gorging  themselves  while  his  poor  digestive 
organs  are  drying  through  inactivity. 

We  would  be  inclined  to  pity  him  in  his  sad 


372  BEATING    A    RETREAT. 

condition,  were  it  not  that  we  hold  the  whole 
insect  race  as  coming  under  our  ban.  The 
whine  of  disappointment,  long,  loud  and  qua- 
vering, that  went  up  when  they  ascertained  I 
was  protected,  will  always  remain  a  fixture  in 
my  memory. 

As  they  closed  around  the  bed,  so  numerous 
were  they,  their  flight  was  actually  impeded. 
Down  they  settled  with  locked  wings  on  the 
bar  above  me,  thick  as  snow-flakes  around  some 
old  uprooted  pine  by  the  Madawaska.  I  had 
long  heard  of  the  mosquitoes  of  this  locality,  and 
was  prepared  for  an  introduction  to  formidable 
insects,  but  found  them  even  worse  than  I  ex- 
pected. 

Discouraged  by  the  mosquitoes,  I  fled  to  a 
neighboring  city,  only  to  find  that  it  is  the 
stronghold  of  fever  and  ague.  In  other  parts  it 
may  be  more  active  for  a  few  months  of  the 
year,  but  here  it  stays  by  the  people  like  their 
consciences.  The  winds  may  rise  and  comb 
the  valley  until  the  very  grass  is  lifted  by  the 
roots  and  borne  to  the  mountains.  The  sun 
may  grow  weary  of  well  doing,  enter  Capri- 
corn, and  for  a  season  be  hid ;  or  the  rains  may 


A    SAD    TOWN.  373 

descend  until  the  narrow  slough — by  which  the 
city  is  situated — becomes  a  wide-spreading  lake, 
through  which  ships  of  the  line  might  plow  with 
safety ;  but  the  chills  and  fever  stays  by  them 
still.  There  is  no  ''shaking"  it  off  It  holds  its 
grip  like  a  mortgage.  The  tender  limbs  of  the 
new-born  babe,  and  the  pithless  bones  of  ripe 
old  age,  shiver  alike  in  its  awful  grasp. 

The  citizens  of  this  sad  place  are  a  serious, 
matter-of-fact  people,  who  seem  to  think  it  was 
not  the  original  intention  that  men  should  spend 
any  time  in  laughter,  for  they  indulge  very  little 
in  witticisms  or  humor.  A  good  joke  is  often 
lost  upon  them,  and  the  perpetrator  of  a  bad 
one  places  himself  in  jeopardy.  A  person  who 
attempts  a  pun  that  does  not  carry  its  point 
before  it,  like  a  sword-fish,  is  in  danger  of  being 
immediately  seized  from  behind  and  hurried  in 
the  direction  of  the  Insane  Asylum. 

While  stopping  in  this  delightful  place  I  vis- 
ited the  small  theatre  of  which  the  inhabitants 
are  justly  proud,  and  shall  never  forgive  myself 
If  I  fail  to  mention  the  orchestra,  that  discoursed 
most  eloquent  music  on  that  occasion. 

Whether  the  regular  musicians  of  the  theatre 


374 


THE    ORCHESTRA. 


were  on  a  strike  for  higher  wages,  and  the  man- 
ager was  obliged  to  bring  in  outside  talent,  I  did 
not  learn  ;  but  certain  it  was,  the  sole  instrument 


THE   ORCHESTRA. 


that  kept  the  audience  awake  between  the  acts, 
the  night  in  question,  was  a  large  piece — a 
bassoon,  I   think — filled  and  manipulated  by  a 


DESCRIPTION    BAFFLED.  375 

Stout,  spectacled  representative  from  the  Fader- 
land. 

In  addition  to  the  musician's  froo--shaped  body 
— which  of  itself  would  doubtless  have  attracted 
my  attention — he  had  a  head  that  was  truly  a 
study.  To  say  he  was  bald,  is  to  make  a  remark 
that  would  be  applicable  to  about  two-thirds  of 
the  gentlemen  in  the  theatre,  but  to  say  that  his 
head  was  as  smooth,  as  shiny,  and  devoid  of 
hair,  from  the  eyebrows  to  the  very  nape  of  the 
neck,  as  a  billiard  ball,  is  hardly  doing  the  head 
justice.     It  seemed  actually  peeled. 

Besides,  it  was  of  a  conical  form,  and  as  I 
looked  upon  it  I  thought  what  an  advantage  it 
would  have  been  to  me  in  my  younger  days  if  I 
had  had  some  such  thing  in  the  barnyard,  over 
which  to  break  pumpkins  for  the  cattle.  I  am 
certain  a  pumpkin  or  squash  brought  down 
upon  such  an  object  with  well-centred  precision, 
would  fly  into  as  many  fragments  as  the  Turkish 
Empire. 

I  was  not  the  only  person  whose  attention  was 
arrested  by  that  marvelous  development.  If  a 
diamond  the  size  of  a  rutabaga  had  suddenly 
flashed,  the  audience  would  scarcely  have  turned 


2,^6  A    REFLECTIVE    HEAD. 

with  greater  haste  to  contemplate  its  beauties 
than  they  did  to  regard  that  head  the  instant  the 
hat  was  removed. 

It  had  such  a  smooth  and  polished  surface 
that  the  actors,  as  they  passed  back  and  forth 
upon  the  stage,  were  mirrored  out  upon  it  in 
Liliputian  proportions.  The  large  globe  light 
was  reflected  so  perfectly  upon  that  glossy  scalp 
that  it  shed  a  positive  light  to  remote  corners  of 
the  auditorium  ;  and  a  person  would  look  first 
at  the  head,  then  up  at  the  globe,  and  then  down 
at  the  head  again,  and  then  hardly  be  prepared 
to  decide  from  which  object  the  original  rays  of 
light  proceeded. 

The  musician  had  one  original  "  turn  "  which 
afforded  me  much  amusement.  At  the  com- 
mencement of  a  tune  he  would  sit  facing  the 
stage,  which  was  proper  enough  ;  but  as  he  pro- 
ceeded he  would  turn  by  degrees  until  he  was 
sitting  full  face  to  the  audience. 

The  gods  in  the  gallery  seemed  to  consider 
it  their  especial  privilege  to  pelt  his  head  with 
peanuts ;  and  when  one  would  happen  to 
hit — which  was  quite  often — it  would  bound 
and     skip     from     the     polished     object    in    a 


AN    ARTISTIC    ACTOR.  377 

manner  that  would  invariably  bring  down  the 
house. 

Standing  as  it  did  in  bold  relief  from  the  dark 
panel-work  and  drapery  behind,  it  was  a  most 
excellent  and  inviting  mark.  Man  though  I  am, 
with  the  sobering  cares  of  life  closing  gloomily 
around  me,  I  actually  regretted  I  couldn't  try  a 
shot  at  the  old  codger's  head  myself. 

It  has  been  said  "  The  king  of  Shadows  loves 
a  shinino-  mark."     If  this  is  so,  how  that  musi- 

o 

cian  managed  to  escape  the  arrows  so  long  is 
more  than  I  can  understand.  For  many  a  year 
he  certainly  has  presented  a  target  worthy  the 
whole  archery  of  the  realm  of  Death. 

The  evening  s  entertainment  was  made  up  of 
selections  from  Shakspeare's  tragedies,  ''Mac- 
beth," and  "Othello." 

The  principal  actor,  whose  name  I  forget,  was 
the  oddest  and  hungriest  looking  player  I  ever 
saw  stalk  across  a  stage,  or  foam  and  fret  in 
histrionic  effort.  He  looked  as  though  he  had 
been  dangling  from  the  lowest  spoke  of  For- 
tune's wheel  for  the  last  twenty  years.  His 
make-up  was  terrible  also,  and  after  I  learned 
the    performance  was  not  an    intentional    bur- 


2,yS  THE    MURDEROUS   THANE. 

lesque,  I  could  hardly  keep  from  hooting  when- 
ever he  appeared.  As  the  evening  advanced, 
however,  he  warmed  up  considerably.  When 
he  appeared  as  the  murderous  Thane  moving 


toward  the  apartments  of  his  slumbering  victim, 
huskily  repeating  the  thrilling  lines,  "  The  bell 
invites  me!  I  go,  and  it  is  done!"  he  looked 
every  inch  a  villain,  and  the  little  theatre  rung 
again   with  the  clapping  and  clattering  of  the 


A   BAREFOOT   TRAGEDIAN. 


379 


enthusiastic  audience.  In  "  Othello  "  his  dress 
was  even  worse  than  in  "Macbeth."  In  the 
scene  where  he  smothers  Desdemona,  he  was 


barefooted,  and  looked  supremely  ridiculous.  I 
would  have  given  double  the  amount  I  paid  for 
admission  for  the  glorious  privilege  of  kicking 
him  across  the  stage. 


380  AVAILABLE    SUBSTITUTES. 

The  customary  pitcher- shaped  lamp  which 
the  ''Moor"  usually  bears  in  his  hand  upon 
this  occasion,  and  to  which  he  alludes  when  he 
says : — 

"  If  I  quench  thee,  thou  flaming  minister, 
I  can  again  thy  former  light  restore, 
Should  I  repent  me," 

was  not  procurable.  The  tragedian  therefore 
carried  a  candle  stuck  in  the  neck  of  a  large 
wine-bottle,  and  under  his  left  arm  he  carried  a 
pillow  about  the  size  of  a  single-bed  mattress, 
with  which  to  put  out  the  light  of  the  fair  Des- 
demona^  who  was  lying  upon  a  lounge  at  the 
left  of  the  stage.  I  was  too  great  a  lover  of 
Shakespeare  to  sit  longer  by  and  witness  the 
terrible  butchery.  I  arose  and  left  the  house, 
and  as  I  passed  out,  the  pitying  glances  of  the 
audience  informed  me  that  they  didn't  under- 
stand the  real  state  of  affairs,  but  thought  I  was 
taken  suddenly  ill.  I  was  ill  at  ease,  and  had 
been,  during  the  entire  evening. 

On  the  way  down  the  next  morning  an  over 
land  passenger  made  my  acquaintance  on  tin 
cars,  and  while  conversing  about  the  long  snov/ 
sheds  and  tunnels  he  had  passed,  I  informeJ 


THE    RAILROAD    TUNNEL.  38 1 

him  of  the  long  tunnel  through  which  we  would 
pass  on  leaving  the  valley. 

''Are  we  near  that  tunnel  now?"  he  asked. 
"  Yes,"  I  answered,  "  we  will  enter  it  in  about 
fifteen  minutes."  *'  Is  the  tunnel  dark  ?"  he  in- 
quired. ''  Yes,  very  dark,"  I  replied,  "  ten  shades 
darker  than  a  cloudy  midnight."  "By jingo!" 
he  cried,  ''  that's  just  the  thing  for  me.  I  for- 
got to  put  on  a  clean  shirt  last  night,  and  I  hate 
like  the  deuce  to  arrive  at  my  destination  look- 
ing as  I  do  now.  Do  you  think  a  fellow  would 
have  time  to  put  a  shirt  on  while  passing 
through  it  ?"  he  continued,  earnestly. 

"He  might,"  I  answered,  ''if  he  had  it  ready 
before  reaching  the  tunnel." 

'*  Well,  I'll  try  a  pull,  anyway,"  he  said,  as  he 
took  down  the  valise  from  a  rack  overhead  to 
select  the  garment.  "  I'll  have  it  all  ready  for  a 
hoist,"  he  continued,  "  and  if  I  don't  climb  into 
it  faster  than  a  spark  into  a  chimney,  I'm  not 
what  I  think  I  am,  that's  all ;"  and  with  a  look 
of  determination  he  went  to  a  seat  in  the  rear 
of  the  car,  and  for  a  time  seemed  busily  engaged 
preparing  for  the  great  change. 

I  had  made  an  error  in  regard  to  the  time 


382  ATTEMPTED    CHANGE   OF    LINEN. 

that  would  elapse  before  we  reached  the  tunnel, 
and  the  result  was  we  reached  It  before  he  was 
fully  prepared  for  it.  Into  it  the  locomotive 
plunged  with  a  wild  scream.  Gloom  closed 
around  the  passengers,  hiding  the  nearest 
objects  from  their  view.  On  we  sped.  The 
rattHng  of  the  trucks  told  us  rail  after  rail  was 
passed,  but  still  a  darkness  that  might  be  felt 
enveloped  the  rushing  train. 

Those  who  were  conversing  as  the  car  entered 
the  tunnel,  stopped  as  though  the  icy  hand  of 
death  had  been  laid  upon  their  throat.  The 
half-uttered  word  rested  upon  the  tongue,  and 
the  tunnel,  like  a  long  dash,  stretched  between 
the  parts  of  a  sentence. 

I  thought  of  the  passenger,  doubdess  by  this 
time  struggling  into  his  linen,  and  turned  around 
in  my  seat  facing  him.  With  considerable 
interest  I  waited  the  return  of  light.  At  last  it 
came  glimmering  far  ahead.  Plainer  and  plainer 
the  objects  grew  around,  and  first  and  most 
noticeable  of  all,  was  the  tall  form  of  the  pas- 
senger from  over  the  mountains,  leaning  over 
the  seat  in  front  of  him,  enveloped  in  his  snowy 
linen,  his    hands    stuck    in   the   sleeves  at  the 


UNEXPECTED    DEVELOrMENTS. 


3^3 


elbows,  and  his  head  vainly  endeavoring  to 
shoot  through  the  opening  at  the  neck,  which  in 
his  haste  he  had  neglected  to  unbutton. 

Notwithstanding  his  head  was  enveloped,  he 
was  conscious  that  light  had  dawned  upon  the 


A   STAJRTLING   APPARITION. 


scene,  and  his  struggles  and  frantic  thrusts  be- 
came painful  to  look  upon. 

Finally  the  fastening  at  the  neck  gave  way, 
and  his  face  came  through  the  opening,  red  as 
a  pickled  beet.     Fortunately  most  of  the  pas- 


384  A    STARTLING    SIGHT. 

sengers  were  sitting  with  backs  toward  him 
and  but  few  witnessed  the  terrible  struggle. 
One  old  lady,  however,  got  nearly  frightened 
out  of  her  wits.  When  objects  began  to  grow 
visible  around  her,  she  became  suddenly 
apprised  of  the  startling  fact  that  a  white  figure 
was  bent  over  her,  with  outstretched  wings  fan- 
ning the  air,  and  she  very  naturally  came  to  the 
conclusion  that  an  angel  was  about  to  gather 
her  to  her  fathers. 

The  ashen  look  of  the  poor  old  body,  as  she 
stole  a  orlance  over  her  shoulder  at  the  white 
object  behind,  showed  that  however  fitted  she 
was — in  respect  of  years — for  the  final  taking 
off,  she  was  anything  but  willing  to  start  upon 
such  an  uncertain  journey. 


HUNTING  WITH  A  VENGEANCE. 


M 


"  That  man  received  his  charge  from  me." 

— Shakespeare. 

Y  friend  butcher  Gale  has  been  quail 
■  hunting  under  difficulties.  His  case  is  a 
sad  one,  and  as  I  feel  in  somewhat  of  a  rhyming 
mood  at  present,  I  will  invoke  the  gods,  and 
with  eyes  in  "  fine  frenzy  rolling,"  proceed  to 
state  his  case  in  verse. 

"  Come  leave  your  hogs,"  said  lawyer  Boggs 

To  red-faced  butcher  Gale, 
"  We'll  take  a  day  across  the  bay, 

And  slather  lots  of  quail." 

Soon  guns  were  got,  and  bags  of  shot, 

With  powder,  wads,  and  caps. 
And  up  the  canyons  dry  and  hot. 

Tramped  these  two  city  chaps. 

Old  lawyer  Boggs  had  borrowed  dogs 

Well  worth  their  weight  in  gold ; 
The  setter  had  a  *'  double  nose," 

And  it  of  her  was  told, 
^5  385 


386  SAGACIOUS    DOGS. 

That  she  could  scent  two  different  ways 

As  easy  as  you  please ; 
While  one  nose  smelled  along  the  ground, 

The  other  sniffed  the  trees. 


ADVANCE    OF   THE    EXPEDITION. 


The  pointer  had  peculiar  traits ; 

His  power  of  scent  was  small ; 
But  if  he  saw  three  birds  at  once, 

He  pointed  at  them  all. 


QUAIL   RATHER    MYTHICAL.  2>^y 

For  while  his  nose  would  indicate 

Where  one  poor  piper  sat, 
His  tail,  straight  as  a  marline-spike, 

Would  point  another  at; 

Then  if  a  third  one  raised  its  head. 

Preparing-  for  the  air, 
That  dog  would  balance  on  three  legs, 

And  aim  the  other  there. 

With  such  a  pair  the  quick  to  scare, 

And  then  retrieve  the  dead. 
The  hunters'  sole  remaining  care 

Was  how  to  scatter  lead. 

They  traversed  gorge  and  gully  low. 

And  many  a  slippery  height. 
And  though  their  feet  did  heavier  grow. 

Their  game  bags  still  were  light. 

While  roving  o'er  the  mountain  side, 

It  seemed  that  every  quail 
Within  the  county  limits  wide 

Was  piping  in  the  vale ; 

But  when  they  would  forsake  the  hills. 

And  in  the  valleys  dive. 
It  seemed  as  if  the  heights  around 

With  bevies  were  alive. 


388  THE    DOGS    GO    BACK   ON    BOGGS. 

Boggs  had  one  fault,  from  childhood  brought, 
More  marked  with  age  it  grew ; 

He  never  failed  to  shut  both  eyes 
Whilst  he  the  trigger  drew. 


This  plan  might  do,  if  lead  he  threw 

At  barns  or  target  rings  ; 
But  frightened  quail,  when  turning  tail. 

Are  visionary  things. 

And  let  him  sight,  quick  as  he  might, 
Space  still  would  grow  between. 

And  bang !  would  go  the  shower  of  woe 
Just  where  the  bird — had  been. 

'Tis  said  those  knowing  canines  knew 

While  men  were  taking  aim, 
Whether  or  not  'twould  be  their  lot 

To  gather  in  some  game. 

So  when  they  saw  Boggs  shut  both  eyes 

Whene'er  the  piece  he  fired, 
They  dropped  upon  their  hams  and  howled, 

And  from  the  hunt  retired. 

And  he  as  soon  could  cause  a  stump 

To  walk  upon  its  roots, 
As  from  a  sitting  posture  coax 

The  two  disgusted  brutes. 


MAKING    GAME    OF   A    FRIEND.  389 

Wide  was  their  aim,  and  wild  the  game, 

And  when  such  facts  do  yoke. 
There's  many  a  shot  goes  off,  I  wot, 

Brings  nothing  to  the  "poke.  " 

The  grains  were  sown,  the  fields  were  mown, 

The  crops  proved  rather  thin ; 
Oft  was  the  raking  summons  thrown. 

But  slow  the  heads  came  in. 

At  last  while  Gale,  just  in  advance. 

Was  clambering  o'er  some  logs. 
He  got  a  charge  of  shot  by  chance, 

From  the  excited  Boggs. 

• 

Then  was  there  rustling  there  a  spell. 

And  as  you  may  suppose. 
From  out  the  shaking  chaparral 

Linked  oaths  profusely  rose. 

Boggs  dropped  his  gun  and  forward  run, 

With  apprehension  bleached, 
And  this  poor  lame  excuse  begun 

When  he  the  butcher  reached  : 


"  A  splendid  shot !  I  quite  forgot 
Precisely  where  you  stood ; 
The  birds  flew  fast,  were  nearly  passed 
Behind  a  screen  of  wood  : 


390 


AN    EXCUSE    READY. 


■  I  must  let  go,  or  lose  a  show 
Of  bagging  three  or  four, 

And  in  my  mind  you  were  behind, 
Until  I  heard  you  roar." 


BOGGS    RETRIEVING    HIS    GAME 


He  cursed  the  logs  and  kicked  the  dogs, 
And  wished  the  quail  on  toast, 

But  that  did  not  take  out  the  shot. 
Which  then  was  needed  most. 


WITH    WHOM    To    SHOOT.  39 1 

The  doctors  who  have  dressed  his  wounds 

Have  to  his  friends  declared, 
That  though  he  is  a  sorry  sight, 

His  sight  is  not  impaired. 


There  is  a  moral  this  within. 
And  shaped  the  times  to  suit, 

But  lest  it  should  appear  too  thin, 
Here's  this  advice  to  boot: — 


Ne'er  venture  on  a  hunting  cruise 

With  any  green  galoot, 
Who  shuts  both  eyes  whene'er  he  tries 

The  flitting  game  to  shoot. 


THE  ART  GALLERY. 


IT  EARING  that  a  large  collection  of  paint 
Ings  were  on  exhibition  at  the  Art  Gallery, 
I  visited  the  rooms  this  afternoon,  and  was 
agreeably  surprised  to  discover  that  quite  a 
number  were  by  eminent  artists. 


392  THE    OLD    MASTERS. 

It  is  pleasant  to  gaze  upon  an  old  picture 
that  has  come  down  through  the  dust  of  ages, 
so  I  made  it  a  point  to  employ  the  hour  at  my 
disposal  in  sketching  several  subjects  most 
admired  by  the  visitors.  I  did  not  learn  the 
author  of  the  large  picture  from  which  the  first 


'^^^Ki.i^^^^;^*^;^.. 


FROM   A   PAINTING   BY   AN  OLD   MASTER. 


of  my  sketches  was  taken,  but  was  assured  that 
it  came  from  the  hand  of  an  old  master. 

I  would  have  thought  it  a  representation  of 
''  Cleopatra  before  Caesar,"  if  the  female  had 
been  running  toward  the  man  instead  of  away 
from  him. 

A    gentleman    present   who   examined    the 


ADMIRING   A    GEM.  393 

painting  closely,  gave  it  as  his  opinion,  that  the 
couple  represented  ''Tarquin  and  Lucrece." 

He  informed  me  he  had  visited  many  art 
galleries  of  the  Old  World,  and  found  several 
paintings  which  had  been  copied  from  this 
masterpiece  by  artists,  who  paid  homage  to  such 
creative  genius. 

As  he  claimed  to  be  something  of  a  connois- 
seur, his  supposition  was  probably  a  correct  one, 
though  he  was  not  able  to  thoroughly  account 
for  the  singular  looking  bonnet  that  shadowed 
the  head  of  the  prancing  "Lucrece." 

It  is  certainly  anything  but  a  Roman  head- 
dress, and  why  it  should  be  dangling  from  her 
royal  top,  is  something  for  critics  to  comment  on, 
and  antiquarians  to  inquire  into. 

Another  litde  sketch  attracted  great  attention, 
especially  from  the  ladies,  whose  love  for  the 
beautiful  is  only  excelled  by  their  love  for  the 
good.  It  was  entided  ''  Love's  Young  Dream." 
I  regret  I  am  not  able  to  give  the  artist's  name. 
I  could  not  get  near  enough  to  decipher  the 
signature,  owing  to  the  crowd  of  ladies  admir- 
ing the  beautiful  gem. 

The   members    of    the    Graphic    Club   were 


394  "^^E    GRAPHIC    CLUB    AT   WORK. 

sketching.  Accepting  an  invitation  from  one  I 
stepped  into  their  room  to  see  them  draw. 
Quite  a  number  of  artists  were  present.  The 
famous  marine  painter  was  there,  who  loves  to 


love's  young  dream. 


paint  the  vessel  going  before  the  wind,  when  in 
its  might  it  takes  ''the  ruffian  billows  by  the 
top."  It  was  pleasant  to  watch  his  pencil  pile 
up  the  "yeasty  waves"  at  will. 


DEVELOPING    ANIMALS.  395 

It  was  also  interesting  to  lean  over  the  land- 
scape painter's  shoulder  and  see  the  branches 
sprout  from  his  grand  old  oaks,  against  whose 
trunks  it  would  seem  the  storms  of  centuries 
had  spent  their  force. 

It  was  no  less  pleasant  or  interesting  to  per- 
ceive the  horns  shoot  from  the  animal  painter's 
cows.  As  the  creature  grows  under  his  active 
pencil,  we  may  be  inclined  to  think  she  will  be 
of  the  Mooley  species,  and  never  shake  a  gory 
horn  above  a  prostrate  victim  ;  but  alas  !  a  few 
hasty  but  well  directed  strokes,  and  she  stands 
forth  more  formidable  than  the  armed  rhinoceros 
or  rampant  unicorn.  Then  we  hold  our  breath, 
as  we  see  the  pencil  slide  away  to  some  other 
locality  before  a  tail  is  attached  to  the  body, 
and  inwardly  wonder  whether  the  artist  has 
forgotten  to  bestow  upon  her  that  graceful  ad- 
junct, or  is  intentionally  giving  us  a  new  species 
of  catde.  We  heave  a  sigh  of  relief  when  the 
pencil  returns,  after  a  brief  skirmish  along  the 
ribs,  to  bestow  upon  the  cow  that  terminal 
appendage,  at  once  a  scourge  for  milk-maids 
and  a  swing  for  dogs. 


A  ROLLING  STONE. 


'T^HIS  afternoon,  while  climbing  a  steep  hill 
that  overlooks  the  bay,  in  company  with  a 
orentleman  named  Stone,  I  saw  an  illustration 
of  the  old  maxim,  *'  A  rollino^  stone  orathers  no 
moss."  We  had  almost  completed  the  ascent, 
when  Stone's  feet  slipped  from  under  him,  and 
striking  upon  his  side  he  commenced  a  rapid 
descent. 

About  four  hundred  feet  of  steep  grade 
stretched  before  him  without  let  or  hindrance. 
I  saw  at  a  glance  he  was  bound  to  pass  over 
every  inch  of  the  space  before  he  stopped. 
Onward  he  went,  gathering  speed  as  he  pro- 
ceeded, and  catching  wildly  around  him  at  every 
revolution ;  but,  as  there  was  nothing  growing 
upon  the  barren  slope  but  stunted  grass  or 
brittle  moss,  his  efforts  to  "slow  speed"  were 
in  vain.  After  he  had  made  about  ten  revolu- 
tions his  hat  came  off,  and  for  a  short  time  the 
396 


A    CLOSE    RACE. 


397 


race  between   him   and  his  tile  was   truly  inter- 
esting.    It  would  have  been  an  even  bet,  which 


A   THROUGH    PASSENGER. 


would  first  reach  the  fence  at  the  bottom  of  the 
hill.  After  making  about  half  the  distance,  how- 
ever, the  hat  swung  in  ahead  of  him. 


398  THE    HAT   DISTANCED. 

Whether  it  was  the  wind  acted  upon  it  I 
couldn't  tell,  but  Stone  overhauled  it,  and  pass- 
ing over  it,  materially  injured  its  form  as  a 
roller,  by  giving  it  an  oblong  shape,  and  soon 
left  the  crushed  hat  wabbling  far  behind.  He 
turned  neither  to  the  right  nor  to  the  left,  but 
rolled  as  straight  down  the  hill  as  a  saw-log 
down  the  bank  of  a  river  into  a  mill  pond. 
Goats  nibbling  in  the  vicinity  paused  in  their 
repast  and  looked  pitifully  at  the  gendeman  as 
he  went  tumbling  by  them,  and  evidently  con- 
gratulated themselves  on  being  goats,  that  feel 
at  home  on  the  steepest  hillside  that  nature 
can  present  to  their  hoofs.  When,  in  his  mad 
career,  my  friend  Stone  would  reach  some 
intercepting  shelf  he  would  bounce  about  three 
feet  into  the  air,  and  continue  down  the  incline 
with  increased  velocity.  Nor  did  he  stop  his 
brilliant  course  until  he  brought  up  whack 
against  the  fence. 

Fortunately  he  was  unhurt,  but  was  so  dizzy 
that  everything  was  turning  around  him  for  an 
hour  afterwards.  He  declares  that  though  he 
should  live  until  he  becomes  so  old  as  to  forget 
the  way  to   his   mouth,   he   has  taken  his  last 


CHEAP   TRAVEL.  399 

look  at  the  city  and  the  surrounding  bay  from 
the  summit  of  that  hill.  And  when  we  think 
of  his  last  descent  from  that  high  altitude,  we 
can  hardly  wonder  at  the  declaration. 


RIDING  IN  THE  STREET  CARS. 


A  chiel's  amang  ye  takin'  notes, 
And  faith  he'll  prent  it. 

— Burns. 

T^HE  greater  portion  of  this  day  I  have  spent 
riding  in  the  street  cars.  I  find  it  Is  quite 
a  pleasant  way  of  passing  a  few  leisure  hours. 
Neither  is  It  an  extravagant  way  of  entertaining 
one's  self. 

On  figuring  up  I  find,  by  choosing  the  longest 
routes,  it  cost  just  seven  and  one-quarter  cents 
per  hour.     This  Is  certainly  reasonable. 

There  Is  always  something  amusing  to  look 
at  as  you  pass  along.     There  stands  the  ner- 


400 


HAILING   THE    CAR. 


vous  old  lady  upon  the  street  corner.  She 
wishes  to  ride,  and  endeavors  to  signal  the 
driver  and  prepare  for  embarking  at  one  and 
the  same  time.    She  proves  the  truth  of  the  old 


THE    SIGNAL   STATION. 


saying  that  a  person  may  get  too  many  irons  in 
the  fire.  In  her  eagerness  to  attract  the  atten- 
tion of  the  driver  or  conductor,  she  is  not  aware 
that  in  lifting  her  skirts  she  has  elevated  one  or 


STUDYING   THE    FASHIONS.  4OI 

two  thicknesses  more  than  she  intended,  or  than 
is  at  all  necessary.  Poor  old  lady  !  She  does 
indeed  present  a  picture  that  might  well  attract 
the  artistic  eye.  We  in  more  becoming  order 
turn  our  eyes  from  the  singular  spectacle  and 
study  the  advertisements  ranged  around  for 
our  special  benefit.  She  emits  a  short,  quick 
cry,  half  whoop  and  half  squeal,  and  signals 
repeatedly,  to  do  which  the  inevitable  umbrella 
is  brought  into  requisition,  and  flourished 
around  her  head  as  though  she  was  warding  off 
a  detachment  of  aggressive  wasps.  She  gives 
the  conductor  a  look  of  surprise,  if  not  anger, 
because  he  completes  the  curve  before  stopping 
to  take  her  up.  The  old  lady  means  business, 
and  has  never  got  it  through  her  head  that  con- 
ductors have  rights  which  she  is  bound  to 
respect.  She  no  doubt  believes  that  on  all 
occasions  and  at  all  times  he  ouo-ht  to  seize  the 
strap  and  stop  the  car  as  suddenly  as  he  would 
a  clock  by  grasping  the  pendulum. 

Then  there  are  the  fashions  which  we  can 
study  without  having  to  pay  exorbitant  prices 
for  seats  in  the  theatres.     It  is  even  better  than 

to  go  to  a  fashionable  church. 
26 


402  QUITE    OBLIVIOUS. 

Besides  the  advantages  which  a  ride  in  the 
street  car  offers  us  in  the  way  of  studying 
the  fashions,  we  often  see  strange  sights,  well 
calculated  to  awaken  humor.  There,  for  in- 
stance, we  encounter  the  sleepy  passenger, 
who,  in  charity  let  us  hope,  is  drowsy  through 
loss  of  rest,  rather  than  loss  of  reason  !  Let  us 
hope  he  is  some  physician  who  has  been  attend- 
ing to  his  patients  ;  or  a  minister  of  the  gospel 
who  has  spent  the  night  by  the  bedside  of  some 
sinking  penitent ;  or  a  supervisor,  who — while 
his  constituents  have  been  snugly  dreaming 
away  their  troubles — has  been  legislating,  and 
growing  hoarse  declaiming  for  the  public 
good.  Doctor  or  supervisor,  as  the  case  may 
be,  it  is  evident  he  is  sleepy,  and  cares 
not  who  knows  it.  Otherwise  he  would 
pick  up  his  hat,  which  has  fallen  off,  before 
it  has  twice  been  stepped  on  by  passengers 
staggering  through  the  car  while  it  is  in 
motion. 

With  a  persistency  truly  amusing  he  tips  in 
the  direction  of  some  old  lady,  who  apparently 
hates  men,  especially  when  excessive  drowsiness 
makes  them  familiar.     He,  however,  is  oblivious 


TOO    NEIGHBORLY. 


403 


of  her  likes  or  dislikes,  even  of  her  presence,  It 
would  seem. 

He  bobs   towards  her  until   his    dishevelled 


RATHER   "SLOROPPY." 


fore-lock  actually  tickles  her  under  the  ear, 
which  sensation  causes  her  to  start  suddenly, 
and  look  around  so  quickly,  that  a  person  must 
think  the  movement  gave  her  a  crick  In  the  neck, 


404 


THE   BOLD    OFFICER. 


and  her  subsequent  rubbing  of  the  cords  below 
the  ear  would  seem  to  bear  out  the  supposition 
as  correct. 


SNIFFING    THE    BATTLE    FROM    AFAR. 


Then,  as  we  ride  along  we  can  see  the  bold 
policeman!  standing  by  the  corner  of  a  build- 


KNOWS    A    GAME    WORTH    TWO    OF    IT.        405 

ing.  He  is  earnestly  looking  down  a  narrow 
lane,  taking  notes  perhaps ;  but  more  likely 
watching  the  progress  of  a  fight,  and  wisely 
waiting  until  all  the  pistols  are  discharged 
before  venturing  to  arrest  any  of  the  belligerent 
parties.  He  looks  as  though  it  would  not  take 
much  longer  reflection  or  many  more  shots,  to 
make  him  forego  that  duty  i7i  toto,  and  turn 
around  to  arrest  the  poor  Chinese  vegetable 
peddler,  who,  with  his  basket  pole  upon  his 
shoulder,  is  trotting  along  upon  the  sidewalk, 
and  thereby  violating  one  of  the  city  ordinances. 
While  hustling  the  prisoner  to  the  station  house 
he  would  escape  performing  more  unpleasant 
and  risky  business. 

He  is  in  the  right  of  it,  too,  when  a  person 
comes  right  down  to  reason  the  case.  The 
policeman  may  have  a  family  depending  on  him 
for  support.  Or  it  may  be  upon  the  very  stroke 
of  the  hour  when  his  duty  for  the  day  will  cease, 
and  he  can  saunter  to  his  home,  leaving  his  suc- 
cessor to  rush  in  and  stay  the  slaughter. 

It  may  be  argued  that  the  policeman  is  paid 
to  take  prisoners,  and  consequently  to  take 
chances.     This  is   true,  but  he   is   not  paid  to 


406  TASTES    DIFFER. 

commit  suicide.  For  a  broad  man  like  him  to 
move  down  a  narrow  lane  up  which  the  bullets 
are  whistling,  can  hardly  be  considered  anything 
short  of  it.  Oh !  he  is  a  cunning  fellow  I  tell 
you,  and  revolves  the  matter  carefully  in  his 
mind  before  taking  action. 

He  has  been  too  long  a  resident  of  the  city, 
and  too  long  a  member  of  the  "  star  brigade," 
-not  to  know  that  the  city  can  better  afford  to 
lose  two  or  three  indifferent  citizens  than  it  can 
one  able  and  efficient  policeman. 

We  turn  from  the  policeman  to  contemplate 
the  blooming  blonde,  who  comes  bouncing  in 
with  her  poodle  dog  in  her  arms. 

After  she  is  seated  she  amuses  some  of  the 
passengers  and  displeases  more,  by  the  affec- 
tionate names  she  lavishes  upon  the  little  watery- 
eyed  pet  in  her  lap.  Some  of  the  passengers 
would  doubtless  like  to  be  the  dog  and  others 
would  like  to  be  a  distemper  that  they  might 
legally  kill  the  cur.  She  temporarily  ends  her 
caresses  by  repeatedly  kissing  its  cold  peaked 
nose,  to  the  infinite  disgust  of  the  majority  of 
the  passengers,  who,  rather  than  witness  a  repe- 
tition of  the  silly  act,  look  out  of  the  windows 


SITS    DOWN    TO    THINK    IT   OVER. 


407 


and  become  suddenly  Interested  in  the  con- 
struction of  the  buildings  or  fences  alone  the 
route. 

And  then   there  is  the  impatient  passenger, 


ALIGHTING  GRACEFULLY. 


who  is  either  limited  in  time  or  sense,  probably 
in  both. 

He  foolishly  attempts  to  leave  the  car  while 
it  is  in  motion,  in  order  to  save  a  few  moments. 
Immediately  afterwards  he  wishes  he  hadn't, 
and  sits  down  with  considerable  feeling  to  think 


408  BETTER    LUCK   NEXT   TIME. 

over  his  rashness.  There  was  a  time,  no  doubt, 
when  he  could  jump  on  and  off  a  car  like  a 
newsboy ;  but  that  time  has  evidently  gone  by. 
When  we  consider  the  roughness  of  his  seat, 
and  the  unexpected  manner  in  which  he  settled 
on  it,  we  have  to  acknowledge  that  he  sits  with 
considerable  grace.  However,  as  he  has  lost 
time  instead  of  gaining  it,  by  the  action,  he 
will  perhaps  try  to  catch  a  better  hold  of  the 
old  rascal's  forelock  the  next  time  he  is  run- 
ning past  him. 


SIMON  RAND. 


N  TO  poet,  however  gifted,  can  get  along  with- 
^  ^  out  his  muse,  any  better  than  a  navigator 
can  without  his  compass.  If  the  goddess  is  not 
at  his  elbow,  the  lyre  hangs  mute  upon  the  wall, 
and  the  pen  corrodes  in  the  ink.  Then  what 
can  the  poor  limited  rhymer  do  without  a  muse 


THE    LOVER.  409 

to  Inspire  him  ?  As  mine  is  at  present  leaning 
over  the  back  of  my  chair  in  a  very  encouraging 
manner,  I  will  strike  my  harp  and  lay  the  follow- 
ing heart-rending  tale  before  the  world  In  verse. 

First  Gossip — "  Was  she  false  ?  " 
Second  Gossip — "  Ay,  false  as  her  teeth.  " 

— Old  Vohcme. 

In  Siskiyou,  a  tanner  lived, 

Whose  name  was  Simon  Rand ; 
He  loved  the  miller's  daughter,  fair 

Annetta  Hildebrand. 
The  maiden  loved  the  tanner,  too, 

(At  least  the  maid  so  said,) 
And  she  the  happy  day  had  named 

The  parson  would  them  wed. 

The  golden  day-dreams  lengthened  as 

The  season  shorter  grew. 
And  Cupid  slung  his  bow  across 

His  shoulder,  and  withdrew. 
A  golden  pointed  arrow  lay 

Imbedded  in  each  heart ; 
The  little  god  conjectured  they 

Could  never  live  apart. 

But  fire  will  test  the  iron  safe, 

And  powder  prove  the  mine, 
And  tempests  try  the  ship  at  sea, 

The  woodman's  axe  the  pine; 


41 0  A   RIVAL   APPEARS. 

And  gold  will  sound  the  human  heart, 

The  maiden's  love  it  tries  ; 
It  is  the  plummet  weight  that  proves 

How  deep  affection  lies. 

One  Jacob  Towle,  a  rival,  came 

To  darken  Simon's  days ; 
His  clothes  were  fine,  his  purse  a  mine, 

He  drove  a  span  of  bays  ! 
The  fair  Annetta  was  his  mark ; 

He  deftly  played  his  hand; 
He  turned  her  giddy  head  around, 

And  love,  from  Simon  Rand. 

The  tanner  saw  his  dove  prove  daw, 
And  scarce  believed  his  eyes  ; 

But  change  was  there,  in  look  and  air, 
And  in  her  curt  replies. 

He  called  one  night,  in  hopes  he  might 
Back  his  affianced  win ; 

Word  came  by  "  sis"  (an  old  game  this), 
"  Annetta  was  not  in." 

But  ah  !  how  keen  are  lovers'  eyes 

When  rivals  are  around  ; 
A  glossy  hat  hung  in  the  hall ; 
He  reached  it  with  a  bound. 
"  See,  my  child,  a  pleasing  sight !" 

Said  he  with  a  ghastly  smile ; 
"  For  into  fraction,  into  mite, 
I'll  smash  the  villain's  tile." 


SIMON    TURNS   UP    MISSING. 


411 


He  seized  it,  and  he  squeezed  it,  too, 

He  bowled  it  on  the  floor, 
He  thumped  it,  and  he  jumped  it,  and 

He  kicked  it  through  the  door. 
So  through  the  gate  he  then  escaped, 

And  he  was  heard  to  say, 
"  By  all  the  hides  that  I  have  scraped 

With  life  I'll  make  away." 


REVENGE  IS  SWEET. 


Next  morning  he  was  missing,  and 

The  neighbors  thought  it  queer : 
For  he  at  work  was  ever  found 

Throughout  the  busy  year. 
Noon  came,  but  brought  not  Simon  back ; 

And  then  their  wonder  grew 
Into  a  fear,  that  he  had  done 

What  he  had  sworn  to  do. 


412  A   HEAVY  WAGER. 

A  search  was  instituted,  and 

All  work  was  at  a  stand, 
For  weak  and  stout  alike  turned  out 

To  search  for  Simon  Rand. 
Across  the  mill-pond  and  the  flume, 

The  grappling  drag  they  drew, 
They  scanned  the  trees  and  probed  the  wells 

The  little  village  through. 
But  tale  or  tidings  none  they  found ; 

So  all  the  search  gave  o'er, 
And  sat  them  down  to  talk  and  smoke. 

Around  the  tavern  door. 


When  teamster  Joe  picked  up  a  hoe 

That  by  his  side  was  laid. 
And  turning  round  to  farmer  Pound, 

He  slapped  his  thigh  and  said, 
I'll  stake  my  strongest  pair  of  mules 

Against  Moll  Benson's  cat, 
That  Simon  Rand,  the  missing  man, 

Lies  dead  in  his  own  vat ! " 


No  face  was  there,  beard-hid  or  bare, 

Light,  tawny-hue,  or  dark, 
But  on  the  instant  plainly  showed 

The  weight  of  that  remark. 
To  feet  they  sprung,  both  old  and  young, 

And  down  the  shortest  road. 
By  Silly's  still  and  Burrill's  mill, 

To  Simon's  shop  they  strode. 


LUNT   TAKES   THE    LEAD. 

One  pace  in  front  leaned  Parson  Lunt, 

Who  let  his  dinner  stand, 
And  joined  the  throng  that  surged  along 

In  search  of  Simon  Rand. 


413 


THE    EXPLORING    PARTY. 


Across  his  shoulder,  stooped  with  age, 

He  poised  his  garden  rake, 
And  those  had  need  to  urge  their  speed 

Who  followed  in  his  wake. 


414  THE   ORDER   OF   PROCESSION. 

Then  side  and  side,  with  equal  stride, 

Pressed  Joe  and  Jasper  Lane ; 
Next  Elder  Chase  kept  even  pace 

With  stout  old  Sidney  Vane. 
Then  two  and  two,  and  three  and  three, 

And  sometimes  four  abreast. 
With  hoes  and  hooks,  and  thoughtful  looks. 

Come  clattering  on  the  rest. 

The  place  was  gained,  all  eyes  were  strained 

Upon  the  brimming  vat; 
But  not  an  eye  its  depths  could  spy, 

Or  pierce  its  scum  of  fat. 

*' A  fearful  place,"  sighed  Elder  Chase, 

As  down  he  dipped  his  pole ; 
"  No  love  or  woe  could  make  him  throw 
Himself  in  such  a  hole. 
A  man  would  choose  a  hempen  noose, 

A  pistol,  drug,  or  knife. 
If  he  designed  through  troubled  mind 
To  make  away  with  life." 

A  silent  group  they  kneel  and  stoop. 

And  shove  their  poles  around, 
Now  left,  now  right,  till  all  affright 

One  cried,  "  I've  something  found ! 
It's  him  I  know,  I  must  let  go  ! 

I  dare  not  see  his  face 
When  coming  from  the  depths  below; 

Will  some  one  take  my  place  ?  " 


THEY  THINK  THEY  HAVE  HIM.      415 

Then  Parson  Lunt  stepped  to  the  front, 

And  clasped  his  hands  in  prayer ; 
And  cried,  "  We  thank  thee  for  his  dust. 

His  soul  in  mercy  spare." 
Then  took  the  pole  from  Selby's  hand, 

Who  quickly  sought  the  rear, 
Yet  dodged  and  peeped  his  best  to  see 

If  Rand  indeed  was  there. 

Up  rose  the  heavy  burdened  hook ; 

"  That's  him  !  "  a  dozen  cried  ; 
But  when  they  took  a  second  look 

It  proved  a  brindled  hide  ! 
Then  impious  Brown,  the  village  clown, 

Turned  from  that  vat  aside, 
And  laughed  until  the  tears  ran  down 

His  cheeks  as  though  he  cried. 

Still  round  he  went,  with  body  bent, 

His  face  one  endless  grin, 
Because  the  Parson  praised  the  Lord, 

Then  raised — the  heifer's  skin  ! 
The  tools  once  more  sink  as  before, 

To  scrape  the  bottom  slow  : 
Another  mass — they  strike — and  pass, 

It  rolls  along  below  ! 

"  I  have  him  now  !  "  cried  Dennis  Howe, 
The  blacksmith's  helping  man ; 
While  down  his  face,  in  rapid  race, 
The  perspiration  ran. 


4i6 


BROUGHT   TO    LIGHT. 


UP   HE  COMES. 


With  mighty  grip,  and  backward  tip, 
Stout  Dennis  manned  the  pole, 

Which  bent  as  though  'twould  snap  and  go. 
And  Howe  would  backwards  roll. 


HE    MADE    SURE    WORK.  ^ly 

And  woe  is  me,  that  tanner  man, 

And  woe  is  me,  that  maid ! 
And  woe  is  me,  that  staring  group 

Around  that  vat,  afraid. 
The  hold  was  good,  the  pole  has  stood, 

And  up  the  hook  has  drawn 
The  poor  discarded  Simon  Rand, 

Dead  as  a  pickled  prawn  ! 

And  lo !  a  great  cast-iron  weight 

Fast  to  one  leg  was  tied ; 
Which,  as  he  rose  did  oscillate. 

And  swing  from  side  to  side. 
Upon  a  door  his  form  they  bore 

Back  slowly  through  the  town. 
And  still  behind  them  left  a  trail 

Where  dripped  the  water  down. 

For  every  step  fresh  showers  drew 

Down  from  that  litter  bare. 
From  garments  soaked  quite  through  and  through, 

From  mouth  and  nose  and  hair. 
*Twere  sad  to  tell  of  funeral  show 

That  in  that  town  was  seen  ; 
Enough  to  know  that  Simon  low 

Lies  where  the  grass  is  green. 

Annetta,  now,  is  Mrs.  Towle, 

And  servants  on  her  wait  ; 
And  dogs  with  uninviting  growl 

Drive  beggars  from  her  gate. 
27 


4i8 


THE    HAUNTED    SHOP. 


And  Simon's  shop  has  gone  to  wreck, 

No  bark  is  needed  now, 
No  more  before  the  greasy  door 

Lie  horns  of  ox  or  cow ! 


UNPROMISING    OUTLOOK. 


But  on  the  anniversary 
Of  that  distressful  night, 

The  superstitious  people  say- 
Within  it  burns  a  light. 


THE    FINAL    SCENE.  419 

And  there  the  tanner  may  be  seen 

His  thin  arms  shining  bare, 
Bent  o'er  the  bench,  as  though  at  work 

Fast  scraping  off  the  hair! 
Anon,  slow  rising  from  his  toil 

A  woeful  sigh  he  gives, 
And  gazes  long  towards  the  hill, 

Where  false  Annetta  lives. 

Then  turning  round  he  gives  a  bound, 

As  when  he  crushed  the  hat. 
And  fastening  to  his  leg  a  weight 

He  leaps  into  the  vat ! 
And  with  him  goes  the  wondrous  light 

That  shed  its  ghostly  ray  ; 
And  dismal  darkness  wraps  the  place 

Until  the  dawn  of  day. 


THE  VALUE  OF  A  COLLAR. 


F^EAR  me  !  what  a  terrible  dodging  life  the 
^^  poor  city  cur  leads,  to  be  sure,  whose 
owner  does  not  consider  him  of  sufficient  im- 
portance to  warrant  taking  out  a  license.  His 
excursions  must  necessarily  be  limited. 

He  never  dares  to  bark  in  the  daytime,  and 
now  I  think  of  it,  that  may  account  for  his  howl- 
ing all  night.  To  bark  between  the  hours  of 
seven  in  the  morning  and  six  in  the  evening 
would  be  equivalent  to  running  his  head  into 
the  pound-keeper's  lariat.  He  knows  it,  too, 
the  rascal,  and  hardly  indulges  in  a  yelp,  even 
if  his  tail  is  trod  upon.  I  have  always  noticed 
that  the  eyes  of  the  cur  that  wears  no  collar — 
(which  would  entitle  him  to  the  freedom  of  the 
city) — protrude  from  the  sockets  much  farther 
than  the  optics  in  the  head  of  the  licensed 
animal.  I  have  noticed  this  fact  and  pondered 
over  it,  striving  not  a  little  to  arrive  at  some 
420 


THE    PROTRUSION    ACCOUNTED    FOR.  42 1 

satisfactory  conclusion  in  regard  to  the  matter. 
It  may  be  that  this  strange  protrusion  is  brought 
about  by  the  continual  strain  while  on  the  look- 
out for  the  pound-keeper  or  his  sneaking  aids. 

Another  peculiarity  about  the  unlicensed  cur, 
— his  eyes  are  invariably  the  color  of  tobacco 
juice.  "Why  are  they  so?"  you  probably 
inquire.  Be  patient,  and  I  will  tell  you  ?  It  is 
the  result  of  the  burning  envy  continually  agi- 
tating his  breast  and  adding  a  bloodier  lustre 
to  his  orbs. 

How  must  envy  consume  his  very  vitals  when 
he  beholds  his  younger  brother,  perhaps,  trotting 
forth  into  the  street,  his  neck  encircled  with  the 
leather  zone  that  insures  him  respect  and 
immunity  from  assault ;  while  he  must  cower 
behind  the  ash  barrel,  and  wait  for  night  to 
temporarily  shield  him  from  insult  and  injury. 

The  old  adage  is  hardly  applicable  to  his 
case.  He  has  no  day,  but  he  has  his  night, 
however,  and  he  would  be  a  fool  not  to  make 
the  most  of  it. 

How  trifling  a  thing  will  draw  the  line  be- 
tween him  and  his  licensed  brother.  One 
white  foot,  perhaps,  a  spot  too  many  on   the 


42  2  UNJUST   DISCRIMINATION. 

head,  or  want  of  one  above  the  tall  may  have 
cursed  him  through  the  length  and  breadth  of 
his  existence.  If  he  lives  it  must  be  by  his 
wits.  Every  man's  hand  or  boot  seems  to  be 
against   him.     The   licensed    dog   can   stretch 


NO   COLLAR,    NO  CRUMBS. 


lazily  upon  the  sidewalk  and  oblige  the  pedes- 
trians to  go  around  him  rather  than  take 
the  chances  of  stepping  over,  or  stirring  him 
up  with  a  kick. 

It  is  dangerous  business,  this  waking  up  a 


A    WEAKNESS    FOR    HUMAN    FLESH.  423 

dog  with  your  boot.  You  may  take  him  In  a 
time  when  not  in  the  mood  for  permltdng  such 
familiar  demonstrations. 

Perhaps  he  may  be  hungry,  and  since  the 
dogs  devoured  poor  painted  Jezebel,  their 
weakness  for  human  flesh  will  occasionally 
make  itself  manifest.  I,  who  have  been  thrice 
vaccinated  by  a  canine  tooth  (and  It  took  each 
time,  too),  speak  knowingly  on  this  subject. 

Now,  as  I  gaze  out  upon  the  street,  I  mark 
the  slow  approach  of  the  pound-keeper's  dingy 
cart.  Ever  and  anon  It  comes  to  a  sudden  halt, 
and  skirmishers  are  deployed  on  each  side  to 
search  the  alley-ways  and  lanes  along  the 
route.  Hark  !  what  cry  Is  this  that  comes  quaver- 
ing forth  from  that  shaky  prison  ?  A  bark  ? 
No,  never  a  bark,  but  a  quavering  bleat  from  the 
pale  lips  of  a  poor  old  goat.     Alas  !  poor  goat. 

It,  too,  was  evidently  straying  about  unlaw- 
fully, in  some  one's  garden,  perhaps,  or  strip- 
ping the  posters  off  the  fence  before  the  paste 
was  dry,  or  the  bill-sticker  a  block  away,  and  in 
consequence  he  is  now  occupying  a  position  that, 
however  exalted  it  may  be  In  one  sense,  makes 
him  feel  very  ill  at  ease  all  the  same. 


424  ALL    FARE    ALIKE. 

His  fellow  prisoners  are  dogs  of  every  breed 
under  the  sun. 

There  is  no  discrimination  in  that  moving 
prison,  no  separate  cells.  The  full  blood  setter 
pup  fares  no  better  than  the  worthless  poodle 
that  couldn't  smell  a  quail  a  yard  distant  unless 
it  was  roasting.  The  big,  sour,  surly  mastiff, 
with  bloodshot  eyes  and  pendent  jowl,  who  long 
has  been  the  acknowledged  champion  of  a  block, 
and  in  his  day  lacerated  many  a  paw,  hasn't 
even  a  growl  to  offer,  but  crouches  side  by 
side  with  the  poor  maimed  and  mongrel  cur 
that  for  years  has  been  racking  through  life 
on  three  legs. 

Still  the  dismal  looking  cart  jolts  along  attract- 
ing the  attention  of  the  passing  crowds.  Sdll 
the  villainous-looking  aids,  who  flank  the  vehi- 
cle, trail  their  ready  lariats,  and  dart  exploring 
glances  into  every  nook  and  corner.  And  as  I 
gaze,  I  marvel  to  see  how  quickly  the  oudaws 
get  a  knowledge  of  its  approach,  and  stand  not 
upon  the  order  of  their  going,  but  precipitately 
leave  for  back  yards  and  kitchens. 


QUAINT  EPITAPHS. 


\J{THlhK  strolling  through  an  old  ceme- 
'  ^  tery  this  afternoon  I  was  surprised  at 
the  number  of  quaint  epitaphs  there  to  be 
found. 

For  a  while  I  almost  Imagined  myself  rum- 
maging among  the  old  time-worn  tombstones  in 
some  English  or  Welsh  burying-ground.  Many 
are  written  in  verse,  especially  on  the  stones 
erected  during  a  certain  period,  extending  over 
about  ten  years,  which  proves  that  during  these 
years  the  city  had  a  tombstone  poet  among  her 
citizens. 

He  was  an  odd  orenius,  whoever  he  was,  this 
graveyard  rhymer. 

One  peculiarity  seems  to  have  been  his  coup- 
ling with  the  epitaph  a  brief  account  of  the 
manner  in  which  the  deceased  party  was  taken 
off.  The  first  inscription  which  attracted  my 
notice  as  odd,  was  chiseled  upon  a  large  marble 

425 


426  HOW    SMITH    COOKED    HIS    GOOSE. 

slab  which  leaned  over  the  spot  where  a  party 
who  had  borne  the  ancient  and  honorable  name 
of  "  Smith,"  rested  from  his  labors.  The  obitu- 
ary ran  thus : — 

"  Smith  ran  to  catch  his  fatted  hog, 
And  carried  the  knife  around ; 
He  slipped  and  fell ; 
The  hog  is  well, 
But  Smith  is  under  ground." 

This  stanza  should  be  introduced  into  public 
schools,  and  adopted  as  a  morning  chant,  to 
impress  upon  the  mind  of  the  pupils  the  im- 
portance of  a  person's  having  his  wits  about 
him.  Death  brought  about  by  such  gross  care- 
lessness as  Smith  showed,  is — to  say  the  least 
— first  cousin  to  suicide,  and  doubtless  there 
will  come  a  time  when  Smith's  case  will  be  in- 
quired into. 

Under  a  large  oak  tree  on  the  south  side  I 
came  upon  a  tombstone  which  bore  no  date,  but 
had  evidently  been  erected  many  years.  The 
fence  which  once  enclosed  the  grave  had  nearly 
disappeared,  nothing  remaining  except  a  few 
rotten  stakes  protruding  through  the  grass. 
What  once  had  been  a  mound  was  now  a  hoi- 


SHE    HAD   TO    BE    LED.  427 

low,  which  told  the  mute  gazer,  decay  had  done 
its  worst. 

Through  a  rank  growth  of  weeds  and  briers, 
a  few  pale  neglected  flowers  raised  their  delicate 
faces,  like  virtue  struggling  heavenward  through 
the  retarding  throng  inhabiting  this  naughty 
world. 

The  headstone  was  evidently  erected  before 
the  poet's  day,  and  he  who  erected  it  had  com- 
posed the  epitaph.  It  is  more  than  likely  he 
chiseled  it  also,  as  the  letters  were  ill-shaped 
and  irregular,  and  looked  as  though  carved  out 
with  a  pick. 

Here  is  2.  facsimile  of  the  inscription  : — 

"  Cynthy  Ann  is  berried  here. 

Be  easy  with  her, 

Lord, 

And,  you  won't  lose  nothin', 

She  was  a  plaguey  good  wife  to  me 

But 

She  wouldn't  be  druv." 

That  "Cynthia  Ann"  had  faults  is  evident 
ifom  the  tone.  But  I  thought  as  I  turned  from 
the  spot,  if  her  greatest  fault  lay  in  not  allowing 
herself  to  be  "  druv,"  her  prospects  were  better 
than  the  average. 


428  THE    SEXTON    SPEAKS    A   PIECE. 

What  a  contrast  was  the  line  inscribed  upon 
a  tombstone  directly  opposite  : — 

"  He  sleeps  in  Heaven." 
Mere  speculation  only,  and  wild  at  that.  The 
extravagant  notion  that  a  person  sleeps  in  Para- 
dise must  have  emanated  from  the  brain  of 
some  sluggard,  who  thought  that  heaven  with- 
out sleep  would  be  a  wearisome  place.  The 
''sleeper's"  name  was  Gregg,  and  from  a  repre- 
sentation of  a  pair  of  scissors  cut  upon  the  slab 
I  presumed  he  was  a  tailor.  On  making 
inquiry  of  the  sexton,  busily  engaged  closing  a 
grave  at  the  time,  I  found  my  supposition  was 
right.  Gregg  was  a  tailor,  but  met  death  at  the 
heels  of  a  horse.  To  use  the  sexton's  own 
words,  which  were  spoken  in  pure  Greek — 

''  Begorra  he  was  a  tailor,  and  it  was  meself 
that  planted  him  there.  He  was  killed  in  the 
barn  beyant,  while  sthrivin'  to  pull  the  makin's 
of  a  fish-line  out  of  the  tail  of  owld  Gleason's 
stallion." 

When  a  person  learns  what  his  occupation 
had  been,  and  how  he  died,  the  assertion  that 
he  had  gone  to  heaven,  strikes  one  as  too  ri- 
diculous for  anything. 


MONUMENTAL    STONES. 


429 


Not  less  amusing  or  quaint  was  the   verse 
inscribed    upon   the    plain    marble    slab    which 


marked  the  resting-place  of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Bar- 
radier.  The  stone  was  probably  put  up  by 
some  acquaintance  of  the  deceased  couple  who 


430  A   TROUBLED    WOMAN. 

knew  that  their  marriage  had  been  anything 
but  a  happy  one  ;  the  verse  upon  it  also  informs 
the  passer-by  that  they  left  no  descendants  to 
perform  that  pious  duty.     It  said — 

"  Released  from  worldly  care  and  strife, 
Here  side  and  side  lie  man  and  wife; 
And  with  the  couple  buried  here 
Expired  the  name  of  Barradier." 


MISTAKEN  IDENTITY. 


A  N  amusing  scene  occurred  this  afternoon  as 
^~^  I  was  coming  up  from  the  post-office.  It 
was  a  case  of  mistaken  identity.  It  seems  a 
somewhat  dissipated  old  Irish  woman  was  de- 
serted some  weeks  ago  by  her  husband. 

Through  her  domestic  troubles  and  excessive 
drinking  she  at  times  becomes  quite  crazy, — so 
much  so  that  her  friends  have  to  keep  a  con- 
stant watch  over  her  to  prevent  her  from  doing 
mischief.     She  is  very  large  and  powerful,  and 


SPOILING    FOR    A    FIGHT.  43 1 

when  in  one  of  her  tantrums  is  no  easy  person 
to  manage.  It  appears  that  when  she  has  one 
of  these  crazy  spells,  she  imagines  she  recog- 
nizes her  husband's  Milesian  features  in  almost 
every  face  she  looks  upon. 

This  afternoon,  while  the  crazy  fit  was  upon 
her,  she  escaped  from  her  keepers,  and  rushed 
into  the  street  with  dilated  eyes  and  dishevelled 
hair.  With  sleeves  rolled  above  the  elbows  and 
clenched  hands,  she  charged  up  the  street,  look- 
ing right  and  left  for  some  person  on  whom  to 
fasten. 

She  was  indeed  ripe  for  an  encounter,  and 
nearly  the  first  person  she  met  was  a  prominent 
clergyman  returning  to  his  residence  from  the 
Mercantile  Library,  with  his  newly  selected  book 
under  his  arm.  She  stood  for  a  moment 
direcdy  in  front  of  the  minister,  and  riveted 
her  red  optics  upon  his  face  in  an  inquiring 
stare,  which  soon  kindled  into  one  of  recog- 
nition. 

Anticipating  trouble,  he  attempted  to  pass 
around  her  and  proceed  quiedy  on  his  way. 

But  she  was  too  quick  for  him. 

Reaching  out  her  long  bare  arm,  she  brought 


432 


NOT   EASILY    DECEIVED. 


It  around  like  the  boom  of  a  sloop,  and  with  one 
wide  sweep  knocked  his  hat  spinning  to  the  side- 
walk at  her  feet. 

He  stooped  to  pick  it  up  again,  and  while 
bent  in  the  act,  she  seized  him  by  the  hair  with 


THE    CLERGYMAN    IN    LIMBO. 


both  hands,  and  giving  a  guttural  laugh,  not  un- 
like the  self-satisfied  croak  of  a  down  east  bull- 
frog, exclaimed  : — 

''Ah!    Barney,  ye  galavantin'  spalpeen!  ye 
can't  desave  me  wid  yer  stove-pipe !     So  ye'd 


THE    MINISTER   SQUEALS.  433 

dezart  the  wife  o'  yer  boosome,  would  ye  ?  ah, 
ha  !  come  home  wid  me  now,  or  I'll  be  afther 
takin'  your  durty  ould  scalp  along  wId  me  !  " 

A  soft  rabbit  under  the  wide  paw  of  a  Cali- 
fornia lion,  or  a  sparrow  in  the  talons  of  a  hawk, 
is  not  more  utterly  helpless  than  was  the  poor 
dominie  in  her  terrible  clutch.  His  position  was 
anything  but  an  enviable  one.  It  actually  seemed 
as  if  every  hair  upon  his  head  was  gathered  and 
drawn  into  one  mass,  over  which  her  muscular 
fingers  held  complete  control. 

He  dropped  his  book  and  shouted  loudly, 
pardy  through  pain,  and  pardy  anger  at  seeing 
the  fate  of  his  fashionable  hat,  now  lying  under 
her  great  broad  foot,  fiat  as  a  German  pan- 
cake. 

His  cries  of  fear  only  made  the  crazy  woman 
more  confident  of  her  abllides.  She  commenced 
backing  along  the  street,  in  the  direction  of 
home,  and  at  every  step,  with  an  Irresistible 
yank,  she  dragged  the  expostulating  minister 
along  with  her  over  the  uneven  sidewalk. 

She  had  snaked  him  along  fully  two  rods  In 
this  manner,  and  was  making,  to  use  a  nautical 

phrase,  such  good  stern-way  that  she  was  on  the 

28 


434  "MARMION   TO   THE    RESCUE." 

point  of  breaking  into  a  trot,  when  her  heel 
caught  on  the  edge  of  a  plank. 

The  result  was  terrible  in  the  extreme. 

She  fell  backwards,  pulling  the  unfortunate 
captive  to  the  sidewalk  after  her,  where  they 
gyrated  in  the  most  ludicrous  positions  imagin- 
able. 

A  couple  of  gentlemen,  emerging  from  a 
store  at  that  instant,  looked  on  the  pair  in 
blank  astonishment  for  a  moment.  Recog- 
nizing their  own  gifted  pastor,  they  ran  to  his 
assistance,  and  lost  no  time  in  raising  him  to 
his  feet,  and  turning  over  the  old  crazy  woman 
to  an  officer  who  happened  at  that  moment  to 
step  out  of  a  saloon. 


FLIRTING,  AND  WHAT  CAME  OF  IT. 


A  T  an  open  window  wide,  just  across  the  way, 

Sits  a  roguish  httle  blonde  nearly  all  the  day, 
Playing  with  a  tabby  cat,  and  gazing  down  below, 
Flirting  with  conductors  that  are  passing  to  and  fro. 
Some  receive  a  passing  nod,  and  some  receive  a  smile; 
But  she  watches  Number  6  whilst  going  half  a  mile. 


And  the  gay  conductor  while  he's  throwing  kisses 

there, 
Doesn't  hear  the  signals  given  by  an  aged  pair. 
Though  the  man,  as  best  he  can,  whistles   loud  and 

shrill, 
And  the  wife,  as  though  for  life,  charges  down  the  hill. 

435 


436  TOWERING    MEANNESS. 

And  the  blameful  driver,  while  he  gazes  wistful  back, 
Doesn't  see  the  little  child  a  creeping  on  the  track. 
Soon  the  jury  summoned  there  to  question  how  it 

died. 
Will  as  their  opinion  give,  "  a  case  of  suicide;  " 
And  the  driver  and  his  mate  acquitted  from  all  blame, 
Kisses  at  the  blonde  will  throw,  and  she'll  return  the 

same. 


THE  CHAMPION  MEAN  MAN. 


WESTERDAY  I  came  across  a  singular  look. 
ing  individual  dressed  in  a  greasy,  clingy 
suit.  He  was  sitting  on  a  log  before  his  door 
engaged  in  reparing  a  shovel-handle. 

''Say,  stranger,"  I  said,  addressing  him,  ''can 
you  inform  me  where  Deacon  Shellbark  lives  ?" 

The  farmer  looked  up,  pushed  his  slouched 
hat  back  on  his  head,  and  after  surveying  me 
some  time  in  silence,  drawled  out : — 

"  Be  you  any  relation  of  his'n  ?" 

"  No,"  I  replied,  a  little  surprised  at  his  man- 


HE    IS   OPPOSED    TO    SCANDAL.  437 

ner  of  answering ;   "  I  haven't  a  relative  in  the 
State." 

"  By  thunder !  I  congratulate  you  upon  your 
good  fortune,"  he  ejaculated,  ''  particularly  be- 
cause there's  no  tie  of  consanguinity  existin' 
atwixt  you  and  old  Deacon  Shellbark.  He's 
expectin'  a  son  home,  and  I  thought  you  mout 
be  him. 

"Wal,"  he  continued,  pointing  with  a  huge 
jack-knife  that  he  held  in  his  hand,  "you  see 
that  house  to  the  left  of  them  scrub  oaks,  don't 
you  ?  that  ar  buildin'  with  the  leetle  coopalow 
on't?  Wal,  thar's  whar  old  Deacon  Shell- 
bark  lives  ;  //le  meanest  man  in  this  ycr  county, 
and  that's  sayin'  considerable,  too  !  cause  we've 
got  some  vicey-fisted  customers  round  these 
yer  parts,  men  who  scrape  the  puddin'  pot 
mighty  clean  before  the  dog  gits  a  chance 
to  canvass  it,  now  I  can  tell  ye.  But  I  feel 
safe  in  stickin'  in  old  Shellbark  at  the  head, 
and  I  ain't  agwine  to  haul  him  down  nuther. 
I  don't  beheve  in  talkin'  much  about  one's 
neighbors,  but  I  ginnerally  tell  strangers  what 
sort  of  a  man  he  Is,  cause  if  they  go  to  tradin' 
with  him   and  aren't  on  thar  guard,  he'll  skin 


438  A   MEAN   STEAL. 

'em  quicker  than  a  whirlpool  sucks  in  a  dead 
fish." 

''  You  know  the  Deacon,  then  ?"  I  remarked, 
while  the  hope  I  had  entertained  of  getting  his 
name  on  my  subscription  list  began  to  take  to 
itself  wings. 

"Yes,  I  reckon  I  do  know  him,"  he  replied, 
"  pooty  well,  too  ;  a  great  sight  better  than  is 
profitable  to  him,  and  he  knows  it.  Oh,  you 
bet  he  knows  it,  and  hates  me  as  he  does  the 
dry  murrain  that  gin  the  crows  fifteen  of  his 
best  cows  last  summer.  I  knowed  him  back  in 
Scrabble  Town. 

"  They  wouldn't  allow  him  to  come  within 
pistol  shot  of  a  church  back  thar,  because  they 
morn  suspected  he  stole  the  wine  and  bread 
from  the  communion  table  one  day.  They 
were  down  on  him  flatter  than  a  stone  on  a 
cricket  allers  arterwards.  He's  a  deacon  out 
here  though,  but  that  ain't  nothin'.  He  can't 
fool  me  with  his  prayin'.  I  want  no  sech  crooked 
old  disciple  as  he  is  intercedin'  for  me,  you 
know." 

"  I  was  hoping  he  would  subscribe  for  this 
book,"   I  remarked,   "  but  I  am  afraid  there  is 


A   SOULLESS   DEACON.  439 

not  much  use  of  my  going  there  if  he  is  so 
very  mean." 

''  Look'e  here,  stranger,"  he  remarked  earn- 
estly, "you  mout  just  as  well  stop  thar  whar 
you're  standin'.  Subscribe !  He'll  gig  back 
from  a  subscription  list  jest  as  he  would  from  a 
six-shooter." 

"  Ah,  but  this  is  a  religious  work,  and  per- 
haps he  would  lend  that  his  support,"  I  an- 
swered quickly, 

"  Religious  work  be  shelved  !"  exclaimed  the 
farmer.  "That  doesn't  help  ye  any  ;  you  can't 
do  anythin'  with  him,  'cause  he  hain't  got  no 
more  soul  than  an  empty  gin  bottle.  You 
mout  as  well  bait  a  rat  trap  with  a  cat's  head 
and  expect  the  varmin  to  go  a-nibblin'  at  it,  as 
to  expect  him  to  put  his  name  down  to  any- 
thing that's  agwine  to  take  coin  from  his 
pockets. 

**  You're  a  stranger  in  these  yer  parts  I  see, 
and  tharfore  haven't  the  slightest  idea  what  a 
towerin'  mean  man  he  is ;  why  he'd  run  a  mile 
to  git  on  the  sunny  side  of  a  feller  to  cheat 
him  out  of  his  shadow !  I  knowed  him  back  in 
old  Indiany.     He's  from  the  same  place  that  I 


440 


SLEEPY   DOBY. 


am,  but  you   can  kick  me  clear  over  to  them 
foot-hills   and   back  ag'in   if  I   don't   feel   like 


SLEEPY   DOBY. 


takin'  pizin  every  time  I  have  to  own  up  to  it. 
He  used  to  be  in  cahoot  with  a  tanner  back 
thar    named    Doby ;    sleepy    Doby,   the    boys 


SHELLBARKS    WEAKNESS.  44I 

called  him,  for  he  was  the  sleepiest  feller  you 
ever  did  see.  Go  asleep  while  workin'  at  any- 
thin'.  He  would  drop  asleep  sometimes  while 
scrapin'  a  hide,  and  cut  the  consarned  thing  all 
Into  parln's  ;  at  other  times  he  would  fall  back 
into  the  tan  vat,  then  wake  up  and  holler  for 
the  boys  to  come  and  fish  him  out. 

''They  say  he  dropped  asleep  once  while 
ringin'  a  hog  to  prevent  him  from  rootin'  up 
the  clover  patch.  The  minister  of  the  village 
had  to  pause  in  the  middle  of  a  sermon  he  was 
preachin'  half  a  block  away,  until  the  squealln' 
subsided. 

"  But  as  I  was  gwine  to  tell  ye,  before  the 
rheumatism  got  into  his  j'Ints,  and  made  him 
shun  water  as  he  would  a  tax-collector,  old 
Shellbark  used  to  be  pooty  fond  of  fishin'.  One 
day  Parson  Bodfish  was  gwine  off  to  have  a 
day's  sport,  and  took  me  along  to  carry  the 
fish.  I  was  only  a  boy  then,  and  mighty  tickled 
because  I  could  go.  Jest  about  the  time  we 
got  to  the  river  we  overtook  old  Shellbark 
a-polntin'  thar  too.  When  we  got  to  the  bank 
they  both  set  in  gettin'  out  thar  hooks  and  lines, 
and  then  for  the  first  time  old  Shellbark  found 


442  AN    IRREPARABLE    LOSS. 

out  he  had  left  his  bait  to  hum.  So  he  com- 
menced to  sputter  and  fret,  takin'  on  terribly 
about  it,  until  Parson  Bodfish  ses  to  him, 
'That's  all  right;  I  reckon  I've  got  enough 
bait  in  this  box  for  both  of  us,  and  I'll  give  you 
half  of  mine,  and  let  us  start  in  and  make  the 
most  of  it.'  So  the  Parson — who  had  a  heart 
the  size  of  a  sheep's  head — took  out  his  bait- 
box  and  gin  him  more  than  half.  It's  so ;  I 
seed  'em  when  he  took  'em  out.  Pooty  soon 
arter,  while  the  parson  was  a-standin'  on  a  log 
that  horned  out  over  the  water,  a-baitin'  of  his 
hooks,  a  big-mouthed  fish-hawk  gin  a-chatterin' 
screech  overhead,  and  startled  him  a  leetle,  and 
while  lookin'  up  he  let  his  bait-box  fall  into  the 
river. 

"  The  box  was  open,  so  the  worms  war  scat- 
tered every  which  way,  and  away  went  box  and 
bait  a-flukin'  down  the  rapids,  and  the  parson's 
cusses  follerin'  arter.  He  did  swar,  by  hunky ! 
I  heer'd  him.  He  had  a  mi'ty  hot  temper,  and 
it  was  more  than  he  could  do  sometimes  to 
keep  it  down.  A  feller  couldn't  blame  him 
much  for  swa'rin'  jest  then,  'cause  'twas  a 
pooty  tryin'  time.     He  turned  around  sort  of 


MARVELLOUS    GENEROSITY.  443 

quick  when  he  thought  of  me  bein'  than  I 
seed  him  turnin',  though,  and  let  on  to  be 
talkin'  to  a  fish  that  I  was  stringin'  on,  so  he 
reckoned  I  hadn't  noticed  him.  We  hurried 
on  down  the  river,  and  arter  a  while  overtook 
old  Shellbark,  who  was  snakin  'em  out  as  fast 
as  he  could  fix  bait  and  throw  In. 

'' '  I  lost  all  my  worms  back  thar,  while 
standin'  on  a  log,'  ses  the  parson,  'and  will 
have  to  fall  back  on  you  for  some.'  The  old 
snipe  grumbled  out  somethin'  about  beIn'  out 
of  all  patience  with  people  who  war  so  fool 
careless.  Arter  a  while  he  took  out  the  rag  he 
kept  the  worms  In,  and  although  he  had  quite 
a  large  knot  of  'em,  he  gin  the  parson  jest  one, 
and  dead  at  that !  It's  so  !  You  may  laugh, 
but  I  seed  It.  When  he  was  a-plckin'  It  out 
and  handin'  It  to  him,  and  when  Parson  Bodfish 
was  a-stlckin'  the  hook  into  him,  he  lay  thar  and 
took  it  as  e-a-s-y,  and  never  squirmed  or  ob- 
jected the  least.  You'd  hev  thought  It  was  a 
link  of  vermicelli  the  parson  had  picked  out  of 
a  soup  plate. 

"  When  Parson  Bodfish  took  It  from  him,  he 
held  it  between  his  finger  and  thumb  a  while, 


444 


RESENTMENT   REPRESSED. 


jest  that  way,  and  I  swow  I  felt  solid  sure  he  was 
agwine  to  slap  it  back  into  old  Shellbark's 
face. 


^\^//>'*-^ 


OPENING  HIS  HEART. 


*'  He  didn't,  though.     But  he  did  look  as  if 
he'd  like   to,  mi'ty  well.      He  stood  thar    and 


MEANNESS    REWARDED.  445 

Stared  him  in  the  face  as  if  actewally  in  doubt 
about  his  being  the  person  he  divided  with  in 
the  mornin'.  Arter  a  while  he  baited  his  hook 
and  started  in  right  than  He  had  amazin'  good 
luck,  too,  with  one  bait.  He  hauled  out  four 
floppin'  great  chubs,  one  right  arter  the  other, 
and  durin'  the  same  time  old  Shellbark  didn't 
get  a  bite  from  anythin'  but  musquiters.  He 
seemed  just  tearin'  mad  over  it,  too,  I  can  tell 

you. 

''  He  stood  thar  a-floppin'  and  a-scratchin' 
and  a-shngin'  of  his  line  out  the  full  length, 
tr>in'  on  all  sides  continewally,  but  to  no  pur- 
pose. 

''  At  last,  thinkin'  he  had  a  fish  when  he  didn't, 
he  switched  up  his  line  so  spiteful  it  caught  in  a 
tree-top  more  than  fifteen  feet  above  his  head  ; 
and  while  he  was  a-gawpin'  up  thar,  jerkin'  the 
hne,  and  stampin'  round,  he  sot  his  foot  flat  onto 
his  string  of  fish  that  war  layin'  thar  on  the 
bank,  and  squashed  the  in'ards  out  of  nigh 
every  one  of  'em.  Between  thar  slipperiness 
and  his  confusion,  hurryin'  to  git  off  'em  before 
they  were  sp'iled,  he  fell  and  slid  away  down  the 
bank,  head  fust,  a-clawin'  and  a-kickin'  jest  like 


446  A    PREMIUM    ON    CRICKETS. 

a  skeer'd  alligator.  Only  he  chanced  to  strike 
ag'inst  an  old  root  that  was  stickin'  up  at  the 
margin  of  the  river,  he'd  have  gone  plum  to  the 
bottom  for  sartain. 

"  Unfortunately  the  last  fish  Parson  Bodfish 
caught  had  swallered  the  bait,  so  he  ses  to  me 
kind  of  low,  '  Dolphus,  let's  see  if  we  can't 
skeer  up  a  lizard,  or  somethin'  that'll  do  for  bait 
when  a  man's  in  a  pinch.' 

"  So  we  set  in  to  huntin'  and  s'archin'  under 
old  logs  and  stones,  and  dead  wild  grass,  but 
couldn't  git  hold  of  anythin'.  The  parson  fell 
three  times  on  all  fours  in  the  dirt,  and  gin  his 
wrist  a  mi'ty  bad  sprain  while  pursuin'  a  queer, 
long-legg'd  horned  critter  somethin'  like  a 
cricket,  only  pizenous,  I  guess.  I  could  have 
caught  it  once,  as  it  went  dronin'  past,  but  didn't 
feel  like  touchin'  it.  Finally  it  got  stuck  into  a 
clump  of  ferns,  and  he  gin  it  up.  So  arter  a 
while,  he  ses,  '  I'll  have  to  go  back  and  try  that 
old  Shellbark  ag'in,  though  I'd  ruther  take  a 
dose  o'  ipecac  than  do  it.' 

"  So  we  come  back  to  whar  he  was  fishin\ 
He  looked  mi'ty  solemn,  and  was  muddy  as  an 
old  stone   boat.     Ses  the  parson  to  him,  T'll 


SHELLBARK    AS    A    PHILOSOPHER.  447 

have  to  call  on  you  ag'In  for  another  dead\NOxm  ; 
the  one  you  gin  me  Is  all  gobbled  up/ 

"  '  Seems  to  me  you're  mi'ty  extravagint  with 
the  bait,'  he  ses  gruffly,  and  switchin'  his  line 
around  and  slingin'  it  out  far  as  the  pole  would 
let  it  go,  but  not  makin'  the  least  motion  to  com- 
ply  with  the  parson's  request. 

"  'Waal,  I  don't  know  how  that  is,'  ses  Parson 
Bodfish,  kind  of  easy  like,  and  tryin'  to  keep 
down  his  anger,  that  I  seed  was  rizin'  jest  like 
bilin'  sugar, 'I  nabbed  four  rousin'  good  fish 
with  that  one  bait.  I  reckon  that's  doin'  pooty 
well ;  fact  I  know  it  is.  They  seem  to  bite  fust 
rate  at  dead  worms  jest  now.' 

'' '  Waal,  I  don't  know  anythin'  about  that,' 
ses  the  old  narrow  gauge,  '  s'posin'  you  cut  up 
some  of  your  fish  and  see  if  you  can't  catch 
somethin'  with  that  sort  of  bait  ;  fish  bite  pooty 
well  at  that  sort  of  an  offerin'  jest  before  rain, 
they  say.' 

"  '  Then  you  ain't  a  gwine  to  give  me  any 
worms  ?'  ses  the  parson,  in  a  husky  voice,  and 
shakin'  like  a  rag  in  the  wind,  he  was  so  chock 
full  of  passion. 

'*' Waal  this  is  a  sort  of  curious  world,  Mr. 


448  ANGER    RISING. 

Bodfish,'  ses  old  Shellbark,  slow  and  niggardly 
like,  jest  that  way,  'and  without  a  feller  looks 
out  for  himself  he  ain't  considered  nothin'. 
'Sides  you  know,'  he  contin'ed,  'fish  bait  is  a 
good  deal  like  an  oyster  or  a  bean — somethin' 
that's  mi'ty  hard  to  divide  with  a  feller,'  and  he 
commenced  to  troll  along  down  stream. 

"  Apple  sass  and  spinage  !  I  never  did  see  a 
man  so  riled  as  that  Parson  Bodfish  was  sence  I 
could  distinguish  the  moon  from  a  lightnin'  bug. 
He  changed  to  all  the  colors  of  the  rainbow  by 
turns  in  less  time  than  I'm  tellin'  ye.  You  never 
seed  sech  a  struggle  between  sin  and  piety  as 
raged  inside  that  parson  for  about  five  minutes. 

"  Fust  piety  seemed  to  be  gettin'  on  top,  then 
sin  would  choke  her  down  and  hold  her  than 
At  last  he  turned  around  and  run  full  chisel 
ahind  the  turned  up  roots  of  a  big  windfall  as 
though  a  gallon  and  a  half  of  black  hornets 
war  arter  him.  I  reckoned  he  was  gwine  arter 
stuns  to  gin  the  old  feller  a  good  peltin',  and 
that  kind  of  work  bein'  right  into  my  hand  I 
ran  thar  too,  cal'latin'  to  help  him  do  it.  But  I 
was  mistaken'd. 

"  He  wasn't  gwine  arter  stuns,  for  I  seed  so 


BODFISH    WITHDRAWS   TO    KNEEL. 


449 


soon  as  he  thought  he  was  out  of  sight  he 
flopped  down  on  his  knees  right  thar  in  the 
mud,  a-holdin'  his  hands  jined  together  above 


'^l^s 


SWEARING  TO    GET    EVEN. 


his  head  jest  that  way.     I   allowed  he  was   a 
gwine  to   pray   then    for   sartin,   but  he   didn't 
pray ;  no  siree,  not  much  pra'ar  jest  then !  he 
29 


450  BODFISH    POCKETS    HIS    LINE. 

sw'ar'd  though.  He  did  !  I  heered  him,  jest  as 
plain  as  could  be,  ses  he  : — 

'' '  I  sw'ar  I'll  git  even  yet  with  that  old  Shell- 
bark,  if  I  have  to  yank  him  out  of  his  grave  like 
a  body-snatcher,  to  accomplish  it ! ' 

''  I  felt  like  runnin'  thar  and  sayin,'  'Don't  rise 
yet,  let  me  kneel  and  sw'ar  too,'  the  same  as 
that  tricky  feller  does  in  the  play  whar  he's 
a-foolin'  the  jealous  nigger  so  bad ;  but  I 
knowed  it  wouldn't  do,  'cause  he  didn't  want 
me  to  see  him  kneel  thar  in  the  mud.  So  when 
he  came  back  he  found  me  peltin'  a  frog  as  if 
nothin'  had  happened. 

'' '  Come,  Dolphus,'  ses  he,  '  its  gettin'  pooty 
late ;  I  guess  we  mout  as  well  be  a-movin'  back 
home.'  So  we  turned  back  toward  the  village, 
though  'twa'n't  more  than  noon,  and  left  old 
Shellbark  fishin'  thar.  He  did  git  even  with  him 
though. 

''  One  Sunday  soon  arter  Parson  Bodfish 
was" — (here  the  farmer  was  interrupted  by  a 
wild  looking  female  who  stuck  her  frowzy  head 
out  of  an  open  window,  like  a  turtle  out  of  its 
shell,  and  shouted,  in  anything  but  a  sweet 
voice : — 


SHELLBARK   NOT   SOLICITED. 


451 


"  '  Dolphus  !  you  natural  born  talkin'  machine 
you  !  what  are  ye  a-settin'  a-pratin'  and  a-pratin' 
about  out  thar  ?  that  old  hog  is  in  the  gardin' 
ag'in,  a-h'istin'  the  parsnips,  and  crunchin'  'em 
like  an  old  b'ar.' 

"  Consarn  her  spotted  hide  !  "  he  vociferated, 
jumping  up  and  grabbing  a  huge  cudgel  that 
lay  near  by.  ''Jest  you  stop  yer,  stranger,  for 
about  ten  seconds,  until  I  make  that  old  swine 
think  thar's  a  trip-hammer  got  a  foul  of  her, 
then  ril  tell  ye  how  the  parson  got  even." 

''  I  couldn't  stop  to  hear  the  story  any  way,"  I 
replied,  ''for  I  must  be  travelling.  However, 
I'll  take  your  advice  and  give  the  Deacon  a 
wide  berth." 

As  I  descended  the  hill,  the  swine's  wail  was 
ringing  in  my  ears,  and  I  judged  the  trip-ham- 
mer was  at  work. 


IN  A  THOUSAND  YEARS. 

(A  WOMAN'S  DREAM  OF  THE  FUTURE.) 


'T^WILL  be  all  the  same  in  a  thousand  years! 

What  a  terrible  line  this,  to  draw  out  the  tears. 
Oh,  how  oft  do  I  weep  at  the  dance,  or  the  play, 
O'er  the  sorrows  we  women  are  doomed  to  convey; 
And  can  it  be  so,  must  we  stand  at  the  gate. 
Denied  all  the  honors  of  the  country  or  State  ? 
Our  part  but  to  please  and  obey  lordly  man ; 
Be  kind  when  he's  surly,  and  be  sweet  as  we  can ; 
As  students  to  shiver,  like  leaves  in  the  breeze. 
If  we  chance  to  infringe  on  his  rules  or  decrees  ? 
Then  have  pity,  ye  gods,  who  look  down  on  our  case, 
Shut  from  Bar,  Bench  and  School  Board,  and  every 

fat  place. 
To  pick  up  the  pennies  that  oppressors  fling  down, 
For  cutting  and  stitching,  and  clothing  the  town. 
Oh,  the  tyrant's  sharp  lash,  his  "  pooh  pooh's,"  and 

his  sneers, 
Will  be  all  the  same  in  a  thousand  years. 

Ah  !  'tis  not  the  same  in  a  thousand  years ; 
How  sweet  and  how  pleasant  our  life  now  appears, 
For  women  no  longer  bow  down  at  the  nod 
452 


COMING   BLESSINGS.  453 

Of  creatures,  who  ruled  with  a  chain  and  a  rod : 


But  as  lawyers  they  plead,  and  as  doctors  dissect, 
And  in  temples  of  learning  control  and  direct. 
The  weak-footed  student  at  mile-posts  may  rest 
Without  springing  a  mine  in  the  President's  breast; 
There's  no  splitting  of  hairs  to  deny  her  the  prize, 
She  receives  her  diploma  and  a  blessing  likewise ; 
Now  women  no  more  stitch  and  stew  for  their  lives, 
Or  suffer  injustice,  because  daughters  or  wives; 
Lo,  they  sit  down  as  jurors,  they  judge  and  they  vote, 
And  in  steering  through  life  ply  an  oar  in  the  boat. 
The  mother  departed  looks  down  here  with  pride 
On  her  merciful  child  dealing  charity  wide ; 
While  man,  that  once  governed  so  harsh  and  severe. 
Applies  for  positions  in  meekness  and  fear ; 
Now  the  cane  of  the  dude  is  no  more  on  the  street. 
The  eyeglass  is  missing,  and  sharp-pointed  feet, 
The  poor  "  chappy "   himself  is  beyond  the  bright 

spheres. 
For  'tis  not  the  same  in  a  thousand  years. 


THE  COBBLER'S  END. 


A  LARGE  crowd  of  people  was  standing  in 
^^  and  around  a  small  shoemaker's  shop  on 
Third  Street.  Elbowing  my  way  to  the  inner 
circle,  I  found  the  excitement  was  over  a  man 
who  had  committed  suicide.  He  was  lying 
upon  the  floor,  his  hands  still  grasping  a  shot 
gun,  with  which  he  had  blown  off  the  top  of  his 
head. 

I  learned  it  was  the  shoemaker,  and  that  he 
had  committed  the  rash  act  because  the  lady  on 
whom  his  affections  were  set  had  seen  fit  to 
choose  another  for  her  partner.  Worst  of  all, 
it  was  a  tailor  who,  to  use  a  common  expression 
and  one  to  the  point,  had  cut  him  out.  They 
were  both  charmed  with  the  comeliness  of  the 
young  woman,  and  whenever  an  opportunity 
offered,  were  in  the  habit  of  throwing  sheep's 

eyes  in  the  direction  of  her  apartment.     The 
lady  seemed   to  grow  more  interested  in   the 

454 


Inspiring  smiles.  45$ 

situation,  and  even  went  so  far  as  to  smile  archly 
upon  him. 

The  tailor,  who  had  never  received  such  a 
compliment  from  so  pretty  a  woman  before,  was 
quite  carried  away  with  joy.  He  felt  that  his 
love  was  returned,  and  from  that  moment  the 
world  presented  a  different  aspect.  It  was  not 
even  a  new  picture  in  an  old  frame,  or  vice  versa, 
but  was  new  throughout. 

Even  the  old  breeches  on  his  lap  seemed  to 
suddenly  undergo  a  strange  metamorphosis. 
The  stout,  rough  material,  over  which  he  had 
lately  been  bending  with  crippled  fingers  and 
sprung  needle,  in  the  twinkling  of  an  eye  seemed 
transformed  into  a  golden  fleece,  through  which 
the  waxed  thread  flew  like  chain-lightning 
through  a  cotton  umbrella.  To  have  an  inter- 
view was  now  his  only  study,  and  where  there's 
a  will  there's  a  way. 

One  day  a  small  boy  was  pressed  into  service 
and  intrusted  with  a  letter  to  the  woman  in 
whom  his  whole  heart  seemed  wrapped.  She 
received  it  safely,  and  duly  by  return  of  post 
broke  the  delightful  intelligence  to  the  tailor  that 


456  QUICK    COURTSHIP. 

his  love  was  returned,  and  ended  the  episde  by 
requesting  him  to  call. 

Hardly  had  "seeling  night  scarfed  up  the  ten- 
der eye  of  pitiful  day,"  when  the  tailor  with  pal- 
pitating heart  ascended  the  rickety  stairs  that 
led  to  the  apartment.  How  he  was  received 
there  is  no  knowing,  but  it  is  apparent  to  all 
he  soon  ingratiated  himself  with  the  handsome 
damsel,  as  the  sequel  shows. 

The  knight  of  the  thimble  and  needle  had 
saved  considerable  money  and  was  comely  to 
look  upon,  while  she  was  both  free  and  willing 
to  wed,  so  the  courtship  was  a  short  one. 

As  it  happened,  the  tailor  had  received  an 
offer  from  a  business  firm  in  the  country  that 
day,  and  as  delays  were  considered  dangerous, 
they  decided  to  be  married  at  once  and  start 
for  their  new  home.  It  chanced  that  neither 
the  lover  nor  his  fair  inamorata  were  troubled 
with  enough  luggage  to  require  the  services  of 
an  express  wagon,  and  it  wasn't  long  before 
their  traps  were  stuffed  into  sacks  and  bundles 
ready  for  removal. 

Talk  about  striking  while  the  iron  is  hot :  they 


HASTY   DEPARTURE. 


457 


went  ahead  of  the  time-honored  Injunction,  and 
hammered  the  Iron  while  it  was  yet  in  the  fur- 
nace. The  bat  had  hardly  found  his  evening 
meal  before  they  were  united  and  received  the 
congratulations    of    the    officiating   clergyman, 


A   MOVING  SCENE. 


and  before  Hesperus  led  her  starry  host  down 
to  the  western  main  the  happy  pair  might  have 
been  seen  bending  under  their  respective  bur- 
dens, and  moving  rapidly  down  the  thorough- 
fare to  catch  the  first  train  for  the  country. 


458 


THE    FATAL   ACT. 


Crispin  soon  discovered  his  handsome  bird 
had  flown.  This  was  too  much  for  the  poor 
cobbler.  He  couldn't  bear  up  under  the  weight, 
and  having  procured  a  shot-gun,  soon  ceased  to 
exist. 


SHUFFLING   OFF   THE    MORTAL   COIL. 


These  facts  I  gleaned  from  a  grocer  who 
lived  near  by,  and  who  was  acquainted  with  all 
the  parties.  My  mind  was  so  disturbed  by  the 
distressing  event,  I  found  it  impossible  to  sleep 
for  hours  after  I    reached   my  room,     I  started 


NOVEL   CEILING    DECORATION.  459 

in  to  recite  a  book  of  Paradise  Lost,  but  it  was 
no  go.  I  had  Michael  assaulting  Satan  with  a 
shoemaker  s  awl  instead  of  with  his  sword  of 
celestial  temper.  I  then  endeavored  to  run 
over  an  act  in  Shakspeare,  but  met  with  no 
better  success.  I  had  Othello  blowing  his  head 
off  with  a  shot-gun,  instead  of  stabbing  himself 
with  a  knife.  Still,  the  terrible  combination  of 
circumstances  culminating  in  the  death  of  the 
poor  cobbler  crowded  upon  me  in  a  saddening 
train,  and  much-needed  rest  came  not  to  my 
relief  until  the  following  lines  were  composed 
and  set  to  music  : — 

"  Oh,  the  sunshine  of  his  life 

Had  become  a  tailor's  wife, 
Which  was  more  than  selfish  heart  could  bear  ; 

So  he  got  his  gun  in  haste. 

In  his  mouth  the  muzzle  placed, 
Turned  his  eyes  aloft  as  if  in  prayer  ; 

On  the  trigger  set  his  toes — 

As  the  illustration  shows — 
Then  up  to  the  ceiling  went  his  hair ! 


— *^^^^?^ 
THE  LAST  OF  HIS  RACE. 


^A /"HILE  passing  through  the  market  this 
*  morning,  I  saw  the  old  turkey  that  had 
escaped  the  ravages  of  Christmas.  He  is 
said  to  be  the  sole  remnant  of  the  turkey 
tribe — living  or  dead — at  present  to  be  found. 
Though  the  door  of  his  coop  was  open  he 
seemed  to  have  no  desire  to  escape.  Evi- 
dently, like  Byron's  *'  Prisoner  of  Chillon,"  he 
460 


A    DROWSY    FOWL.  46 1 

has  been  so  long  an  Inmate  he  has  become  at- 
tached to  It,  and  would  rather  remain  there  than 
take  his  chances  In  the  busy  world  outside. 

He  stood  most  of  the  time  In  the  centre  of 
the  coop  In  a  brown  study.  Once,  while  I  was 
looking  at  him,  he  attempted  to  expand  the 
dllapltated  substitute  for  a  tail  and  assume  the 
dignity  and  strut  of  other  days.  The  effort 
was  too  much  for  him,  and  he  settled  down 
again  into  a  dreamy,  somnolent  state,  from 
which  the  crowing  of  a  large  Brahma  even 
failed  to  arouse  him.  The  poor  fellow  will 
doubtless  fall  a  victim  to  man's  rapacity  on 
New  Year,  for  I  noticed  a  fleshy  old  epicure 
regarding  him  with  hungry  sinister  looks  ;  nay, 
more,  setting  a  price  upon  his  head. 

Passing  again  through  the  market  this  after- 
noon, I  noticed  the  coop  was  empty,  the 
"  Prisoner  of  Chlllon  "  was  missing.  Who 
had  purchased  him  ?  or  what  had  become  of 
him  ?  were  questions  which,  however  perti- 
nent they  might  be,  I  felt  I  had  no  right  to 
ask,  and  I  didn't.  But  the  finger  of  suspicion 
points  directly  at  the  mouth  of  that  venerable 
justice  who  was  setting  a  price  upon  Its  head. 


JIM  DUDLEY'S  RACE. 


NTOW  that  I  am  rid  of  my  wild-cat  mining 
stock,  my  aching  teeth  and  inverted  toe- 
nails, *'Jim  Dudley"  turns  up  again  with  his 
stories  and  slang. 

Last  night  he  told  about  the  fast  team  he  once 
sported  in  Indiana,  and  I  wager  considerable 
that  he  never  drove  a  horse  in  his  life,  except  it 
was  to  the  pound  that  the  might  get  half  the  fine. 
But  this  is  the  way  he  spun  his  yarn  : — 

*'  Did  the  boys  tell  you  about  the  span  I  used 
to  drive  down  at  Grab  Corners?  No?  wal, 
that's  queer.  I  owned  a  mi'ty  fast  pair  while  I 
was  stoppin'  than 

''You  see  I  fust  had  a  four-year  old  boss,  and 
used  to  go  buzzin'  through  the  village  like  a 
streak  o'  lightnin'  ;  and  when  I  had  jest  enough 
whiskey  aboard  to  make  me  feel  a  leetle  reck- 
less, I  used  to  turn  the  corners  on  the  two  inner 

wheels  and  never  make  a  miss  of  it. 
462 


JIM  Dudley's  rat-tail  mare.  463 

"My  ambition  was  to  own  a  span,  though. 
Arter  a  while  I  bought  a  young  mare  from  Dea- 
con Shovelridge.  She  was  the  homehest  lookin' 
critter,  though,  you  ever  sot  eyes  on.  Her  tail 
was  as  hairless  as  a  garter  snake.  She  was  a 
basin-raised  colt,  and  one  mornin'  she  was 
standin'  round  whar  the  boys  were  makin'  soap, 
and  while  backin'  up  to  the  blaze  to  git  warm, 
her  tail  caught  fire,  and  every  spear  of  hair  was 
burned  off.     It  never  came  out  agin,  nuther. 

"  It  made  her  look  pooty  bad,  but  I  see  the  go 
was  in  her,  and  that  was  what  I  was  arter. 
Durin'  fly  time  I  used  to  help  her  out  of  her 
troubles  a  leede  by  fastenin'  a  heavy  tassel  to 
the  end  of  her  tail,  and  arter  some  practice  she 
could  fetch  a  fly  off  her  ribs  or  fore  shoulder 
e'enmost  every  pop. 

''I  got  her  pooty  reasonable.  The  Deacon 
said  he  was  actewally  ashamed  to  go  out  with 
her,  for  the  boys  were  allers  a-hootin'  arter  him. 
Besides,  the  old  codger  seemed  to  have  a  likin' 
for  me,  and  allers  took  my  part  when  others 
were  runnin'  me  down.  The  mare  matched  the 
young  hoss  fust  rate.  Both  had  hides  like  rhi- 
noceroses, which  sweat  could  never  get  through. 


464 


THE    PAIR. 


They  might  be  billn'  hot  Inside,  but  they  never 
showed  any  signs  of  it  outwardly. 

"Arter  a  lltde  tralnin'  they  pulled  together, 
and  spatted  it  out  as  even  as  the  wheels  of  a 


^^^-£>- 


ABE    DRAKE. 


ferry  boat.  I  used  to  make  a  commotion 
among  the  villagers  when  I  turned  out,  for  I 
could    pass    everythin'    around    the    Corners ; 


ABE    drake's    team    OUT.  465 

and  you  ought  to  have  seen  the  fellers  a-run- 
nln'  out  to  hold  their  hosses  by  the  head  when 
they  see  me  comin',  and  the  wimmin  a-hollerin* 
and  tuckin'  up  their  skirts  and  scuddin'  arter 
their  young  'uns  as  though  a  drove  of  Mexican 
cattle  were  a-comin'  across  the  bridge. 

"  One  day  an  old  sport  named  Abe  Drake, 
a  sort  of  spreein'  old  bachelor,  come  over  thar 
from  Illinois.  He  afterwards  married  a  brokin'- 
winded  old  concert  singer  that  used  to  be 
squeakin'  around  there,  and  went  to  live  in 
Hulltown.  Wal,  as  I  was  sayin',  he  came  over 
there  and  brought  a  spankin'  fine  team  along. 

''They  were  amazin'  nice-lookin'  critters  now, 
I  can  tell  you  ;  skins  smooth  and  shiny  as  seals, 
and  tails  on  'em  that  actewally  trailed  in  the 
dust  behind.  He  allers  had  plenty  of  money, 
and  was  continewally  takin'  the  gals  around  to 
one  place  or  another.  He  was  ginerally  con- 
sidered the  biggest  cat  on  the  wood  pile.  We 
never  came  in  contact  when  we  had  our  teams 
out  until  one  day  at  a  picnic  in  Gawley's  Wood. 

"  That  straw-headed  Kate  Rykert  was  thar. 
She  was  the  rollickin',  don't-care  gal  of  the  vil- 
lage,  one   of  these    tree-climbin',   astride-ridin' 
30 


466 


UP    IN    THE    FINE    ARTS. 


critters,  but  a  mi'ty  good  gal  for  all  that,  and 
handsome  as  a  new  fiddle.  She  was  well  up  in 
the  fine  arts,  but  she  could  realize  more  genu- 
ine   enjoyment    chargin'    through    the    pastur' 


KATE    RVKERT. 


astride  the  old  mooly  cow  than   she  could  by 
trummin'  a  pianer. 

'*  Wal,  there  wasn't  hardly  a  gal  in  the  village 
that  Abe  Drake  hadn't  bin  a-spurrin'  round, 
and  he  had  sort  o'  commenced  a-trampin'  on 
his  wing  like  around  Kate  Rykert  about  this 
t'me. 


KATE    RYKERT's    DECISION.  467 

"  It  happened  I  had  a  sort  of  weakness  that 
way  myself,  and  I  didn't  like  his  maneuverin' 
any  too  well  now,  I  kin  assure  you.  He 
couldn't  make  much  out  of  Kate,  though. 
She  liked  fast  horses  and  a  splurge,  but  she 
wasn't  one  of  those  gals  that  would  marry  an 
old  pair  of  breeches  jest  because  there  was 
greenbacks  in  the  pockets. 

''  But,  as  I  was  remarkin',  that  day  while  the 
picnic  was  breakin'  up,  we  all  got  talkin'  about 
a  ball  that  was  comin'  off  the  followin'  week 
down  at  Crow  Bend.  Abe  wanted  Kate  to  go 
down  thar  with  him,  but  she  had  partly  agreed 
afore  that  to  go  long  er  me  ;  so  to  git  herself 
out  of  it  and  me  in,  she  said  she  would  go  with 
the  one  who  could  take  her  the  fastest. 

''  'That's  me,"  said  Abe,  straightenin'  up  kind 
of  proudly,  and  givin'  his  pantaloons  a  hitch  up 
at  the  waistband.  / 1  can  let  you  count  the 
panels  along  the  turnpike  a  leetle  the  quickest 
of  any  person  around  these  quarters,'  and  he 
looked  sideways  at  me  to  see  how  I  took  the 
assertion. 

" '  It's  not  allers  the  hen  that  does  the  most 
extensive   advertizin'    that   makes    the    largest 


468  ABE   CRITICISES    DUDLEY'S   TEAM. 

deposits,'  said   Tom    Ruggles,  laughin',  as  he 
sat  thar  packln'  away  his  dishes. 

'"No,  Tom,'  said  Gus  Parks,  the  millinery- 
man,  who  didn't  like  Abe  any  too  well,  because 
he  sort  o'  smashed  an  engagement  between  him 
and  the  schoolmarm  ;  'and  it's  not  allers  your 
longest-tailed  quadrupeds  that  git  over  the 
ground  the  fastest,  nuther.' 

*''Wal,  never  mind,  boys,' ses  I,  jest  easy, 
that  way,  *  the  proof  of  the  whiskey  is  in  the 
headache  arterwards.  I  reckon  I  kin  kill  as 
many  grasshoppers  between  here  and  Grab 
Corners  as  any  person  that  cracks  a  whip  in 
these  parts.' 

■"  'What !  with  them  thick-skinned  critters  of 
yourn  ? '  said  Abe,  p'intin'  his  fingers  at  my 
bosses,  and  laughin'  as  though  it  was  mi'ty 
funny.  It  made  me  feel  pooty  riley,  but  I  kept 
my  temper. 

"  '  Supposin'  they  hev  thick  skins,'  I  ses, 
'they're  somethin'  like  the  cheese  that  goggle- 
eyed  Peter  bought  from  the  peddler,  their  pecu- 
liarity doesn't  lie  in  the  thickness  of  their  hide 
so  much  as  in  the  mysterious  way  they  have  of 
movin'  themselves  around.' 


A   RACE    ARRANGED.  469 

"  'S'pose  you  try  a  race  back  to  the  Corner, 
then,'  ses  one  of  the  boys. 

'' '  Yes,'  ses  Kate  Rykert,  clappln'  her  hands 
andjumpin'  up.  Til  ride  back  to  the  Corner 
with  one  of  you,  and  let  Tilley  Evans  go  with  the 
other,  and  I'll  go  to  the  ball  with  the  one  who 
gets  to  the  village  first.' 

''  'Agreed,'  ses  Abe,  '  and  you'll  ride  back  with 
me?' 

*''No,  I'm  heavier  than  Tilley,'  ses  Kate,  'let 
everythin'  be  even  ;  toss  up  for  partners  back  to 
the  Corner.' 

"  This  seemed  fair,  so  we  flipped,  and  I  won 
Kate.  She  weighed  ten  pounds  more  than 
Tilley,  but  I  didn't  care  for  that,  for  I  knowed  if 
the  worst  come  to  the  worst,  she  was  none  of 
your  jumpin'  out  kind ;  she  would  stick  to  the 
buggy  while  there  was  one  wheel  and  the  seat 
left,  and  that's  the  sort  of  a  gal  to  have  along 
with  a  feller  when  he's  tryin'  hoss  flesh. 

"  The  whole  picnic  gathered  around  us  when 
we  were  gettin'  our  teams  ready  and  war  specu- 
latin'  on  the  result.  Money  was  gwine  up  on 
all  sides.  Parson  Briarly  had  no  change  about 
him,  but  he  bet  his  gold-bowed  spectacles  against 


470  HEAVY    STAKES    FOR    KATE. 

old  Silverthorn's  meerschaum  pipe  that  I  would 
git  to  the  Corner  fust. 

"'Beat  him,  Jim,'  ses  Gus  Parks,  'and  Til 
give  Kate  the  best  bonnet  in  the  store.' 

"  'And  I'll  give  her  the  highest-heeled  pair  of 
boots  that  I've  got  in  my  shop,'  said  Tom  Rug- 
gles,  the  boot  and  shoe  dealer. 

"  *  Then  Kate  is  a  bonnet  and  a  pair  of  boots 
ahead,  for  sartain,'  says  I,  jumpin'  into  the  buggy 
and  squarin'  round  my  horses  for  the  road  ;  and 
with  that  we  started,  lick-a-te-split !  down  the 
turnpike,  Abe  a  leetle  ahead,  but  not  enough 
to  make  much  difference  with  five  miles  of 
good  turnpike  ahead  of  us,  without  let  or 
hindrance. 

''  Pooty  soon  Kate  leaned  over  to  me,  and  ses 
she,  'You  must  beat  him,  Jim,  for  between  you 
and  me,  I  would  ruther  go  to  the  ball  with  you 
than  with  Abe.' 

"This  made  me  feel  mi'ty  good,  and  ses  I, 
'You  mustn't  get  skeered,  then,  for  I  reckon 
we'll  hev  to  take  some  desperate  chances  to  git 
thar  fust.' 

"'Let  me  alone  for  that,'  ses  she;  'when  I 
can't  ride  as  fast  as  a  hoss  can  run,  then  I'll  stay 


KATE^S    LOST   BONNET.  47 1 

to  hum,  and  let  dad  tote  me  around  in  the 
wheelbarrow.' 

"Just  then  we  came  up  with  him.  He  tried 
to  shake  us  off,  and  would  spurt  ahead,  but  I'd 
crawl  up  on  him  agin,  and  stick  thar,  lappin' 
him  and  goin'  with  him  stretch  for  stretch,  like 
a  dog  when  he's  a-freezin'  to  a  pig's  ear.  Away 
went  Kate's  hat  a-flutterin'  over  butter-cup 
swale,  like  a  Bird  of  Paradise  over  the  gardin' 
of  Eden. 

"  'That's  mi'ty  bad,  Kate,'  ses  I,  lookin'  over 
my  shoulder  at  it  sailin'  off 

"  'Let  it  go  hatchin','  ses  Kate,  laughin'.  'It's 
only  gettin'  out  of  the  way  of  the  new  bonnet.' 

"I  thought  'twas  a  good  omen  myself,  but 
didn't  say  anythin',  for  jist  then  Abe  shot  a  leetle 
ahead,  and  as  he  was  gwine  off,  he  hollered, 
'You  can't  do  it,  Jim.' 

"'I  kin,'  ses  I,  determinedly. 

'"Your  bosses  are  ginnin' out ;  they  hain't 
got  the  bottom  into  'em,'  he  shouted,  jest  that 
way. 

" '  It  must  hev  dropped  out  last  night,  then,' 
ses  I,  and  with  that  I  overhauled  him  agin. 
Past  Brian   O'Laughlan's  door  yard  we  went 


472  "slaughter  of  the  innocents." 

like  a  whirlwind    through  a  flour  ^mlll,  over  a 

hen  and  three  suckin'  pigs.     The  old  woman 

was  standin*  thar  in  the  yard  with  her  apron 


MRS.   O  LAUGHLAN. 


full  of  chickens,  shakin'  her  fist  at  us  and 
swearin'  like  a  drunken  gypsy.  Her  long 
tongue  was  a-slushin'  and  dashin'  against  her 
one  front  tooth  like  a  mop  ag'inst  a  table  leg. 


NECK   TO    NECK. 


473 


''  I  could  have  laughed  myself  to  tears  only 
I  had  to  keep  my  eyes  clear,  for  the  road  was 
so  narrow  in  some  places  that  when  we  were 
abreast  there  wasn't  any  ground  to  spare. 


Just  as  it  was. 

♦'We  were  now  passin'  the  half-way  spring 
and  the  race  was  fully  as  undecided  as  when  we 
broke  away  from  the  hootin'  crowd  on  the  pic- 
nic crrounds. 

''  Down  past  old  Deacon  Shovelridge's  ten- 


474  EXCITEMENT   AT   SHOVELRIDGE's. 

acre  hop  yard  we  went  rack-a-te-bang  !  hub  end 
against  hub  end,  and  the  outer  wheels  a-spokin' 
it  within  six  Inches  of  a  four-foot  ditch. 

"  The  ride  to  the  Corners  began  to  look  like 
the  ride  to  etarnity,  and  Tilley  was  as  pale  as 
a  gray  nun's  ghost,  and  continewally  making 
narvous  reaches  for  the  lines. 

''But  Kate  was  equal  to  the  surroundin's. 
Thar  she  sot,  with  one  arm  around  me  and 
'tother  graspin'  the  seat  rail,  and  above  the 
clatter  of  hoofs  and  steel  axles,  I  could  hear 
her  repeatin' : — 

"  '  Stick  to  him,  Jim,  and  start  my  stitches,  if 
he  doesn't  git  his  crop  full  of  dust  yet !' 

''  Old  Shovelrldge  was  In  the  field  on  a  load 
of  hay  as  we  were  passin'.  He  was  inclined 
to  piety,  and  if  the  world  had  no  bosses  In  It  I 
reckon  he'd  have  been  as  pious  as  a  church 
organ. 

''And  when  he  saw  us  a-raspin'  down  the 
turnpike  as  though  we  were  ridin'  in  a  four- 
hoss  chariot,  and  saw  Kate  Rykert's  great 
swad  of  blonde  har  a-streamin'  out  behind,  like 
the  tall  of  a  comet,  he  couldn't  contain  his 
feelin's  no  how. 


ENCOURAGEMENT   BY   THE    WAY.  475 

'*  He  gin  a  rousin'  whoop  like  a  Chilchat 
Indian,  when  he  sights  a  fur  hu^er.  Throwin' 
away  the  pitchfork — which  accidentl'y  har- 
pooned the  old  lady  in  the  back  who  was  rakin' 
behind— and  jumpin'  from  the  load,  he  took 
across  the  field  to'ards  the  turnpike,  swingin' 
his  old  straw  hat  and  hollerin'  : — 

'^  *  Go  it,  Dudley  ;  go  it !  Keep  the  boss  up 
with  the  rat-tail  mare,  and  I'll  bet  my  farm 
you'll  make  Grab  Corner  fust !' 

''This  made  me  feel  pooty  good,  for  the 
mare  was  the  one  I  had  some  fears  about. 

"  But  you  ought  to  see  how  it  affected  Abe  ; 
he  commenced  to  slash  his  bosses  and  swar 
like  an  ox  teamster  when  his  cart  is  stuck  hub 
deep  in  the  mud. 

''  Finally  the  off-horse  broke,  and  there  was 
a  sort  of  irregular  upheaval  among  'em  for  a 
while,  as  though  they  war  steppin'  on  broken 
cakes  of  ice  ;  one  would  be  gwine  down  while 
'tother  was  a-comin'  up. 

"  Abe  tried  to  bring  'em  down  to  their  work 
agin,  and  in  the  meantime  I  kind  of  cork- 
screwed ahead  and  swung  into  the  centre  of 
the  road  in  advance  of  him.     Then  I  began  to 


476       CHILDREN  OF  NO  ACCOUNT. 

feel  somethin'  like  a  feller  what  holds  the  win- 
nin'  cards,  and  sees  the  other  chaps  a-pllln'  up 
the  coin  on  their  inferior  pasteboards.  But  I 
see  some  young  half-breeds  a-squattin'  around 
on  the  road  about  a  quarter  of  a  mile  ahead, 
and  knowed  at  the  rate  we  war  travellin'  we'd 
be  on  top  of  'em  before  they'd  see  us  if  I  didn't 
haul  up. 

"So  I  ses  to  Kate,  *See  them  plag'y brats  ahead 
of  us  thar  !  what  hed  we  better  do  about  It  ?' 

"  '  Run  over  the  centipedes,'  ses  she.  '  Abe 
ain't  a  gwine  to  slack  up  for  'em,'  and  she 
cuddled  closer  to  me  so  the  jolt  wouldn't  hist 
her  out. 

"I  shouted  two  or  three  times,  but  they  were 
too  busy  with  their  mud  pies,  I  reckon,  to  take 
any  notice,  and  Abe  was  makin'  no  signs  of 
haulin'  up.  I  did  my  best  to  sheer  round  'em, 
and  kept  right  on  for  the  Corner. 

''  I  heered  'em  scream  as  we  went  a-whirlin' 
on,  but  reckon  it  was  more  through  fright  than 
injury. 

"  Abe  had  lost  his  grippin's.  He  couldn't 
overhaul  me  ag'in,  no  how,  and  I  gradually 
crawled  away  from  him,  if  he  did  his  pootiest. 


THE    WHOLE    VILLAGE   TURN    OUT.  477 

"  The  whole  village  seemed  to  be  out  to  the 
bridge  to  see  what  was  comin.' 

"They  see  the  dust  risin'  when  we  were 
more'n  a  mile  away,  and  they  allowed  the 
greatest  run-away  was  a-comin'  down  the  turn- 
pike that  had  happened  since  Bull  Run,  and 
were  out  thar  speculatin'  as  to  whose  family 
was  in  danofer. 

"  But  when  they  see  it  was  a  race,  and  recog- 
nized me,  you  ought  to  see  the  scatterin' 
amongst  'em.  You'd  think  a  hull  menagery 
had  broken  loose  and  was  comin'  for  'em. 

''  Ole  Pelvy,  the  shoemaker,  was  a-settin'  on 
the  railin'  of  the  bridge  ;  but  jest  as  I  crossed 
it,  the  crowd  hoorayed,  and  jostled  him  off.  He 
hung  over  the  railin'  by  one  leg,  with  his  body 
swayin'  below,  and  him  a-hollerin'  like  a  good 
feller,  and  signalin'  for  help,  but  the  crowd  were 
so  taken  up  with  the  race,  and  were  cheerin' 
and  swingin'  of  their  hats  continewally,  that 
they  never  knowed  anythin'  about  his  position. 

*'  Pooty  soon  his  leg  slipped  over,  and  then 
he  went,  end  over  end  more'n  twenty-five  feet, 
into  the  river,  and  was  carried  over  the  falls 
before  anybody  missed  him.     Arter  that  people 


47^  A    BLESSED    RELIEF. 

weren't    troubled  so  much  with  corns  around 


CURING  people's  corns. 

Grab  Corner,  for  though  he's  dead  now,  I'll  say 


FIRST   IN.  479 

It  of  him,  he  was  the  wust  shoemaker  that  ever 
shoved  an  awl  into  a  hide. 

'^I  druv  up  to  the  hotel,  and  had  jest  got 
through  helpin'  Kate  out,  when  up  come  Abe, 
with  his  hosses  hobblin'  as  if  they  had  picked  up 
a  twenty-penny  nail  in  every  hoof. 

''  They  looked  somewhat  as  if  they  had  bin 
swimmin'  in  a  soap  vat. 

''  Abe  was  very  much  of  a  man,  though,  arter 
all.  His  hosses  I  reckon  had  never  bin  passed 
before,  but  he  didn't  bluster  or  git  mad  about  it 
neither,  though  it  must  have  bin  pooty  tryin'  to 

him. 

"  '  By  the  Witch  of  Endor's  long  eye  tooth,' 
he  cried,  as  he  jumped  from  the  buggy,  '  you  did 
it,  Jim  ;  and  you  did  it  fair.  Only  I  kinder 
think  you  swung  in  ahead  of  me  a  leetle  too 
quick,  back  thar  where  that  crazy  old  whipper- 
in  hollered  so.' 

" '  No,  Abe,'  ses  I,  '  I  didn't  take  an  inch  o' 
turnpike  till  I  was  entitled  to  it.' 

''  '  Wal,'  ses  he,  as  he  came  round  to  look  at 
my  animals,  that  were  standin'  thar  seemingly 
as  cool  as  a  brace  of  toads  in  a  celler,  '  I'll  be 
shot  if  them  hosses  of  yourn  ain't  somethin'  like 


48o 


KATE    GETS    HER   BONNET. 


the  widder  Tappan's  boarders.  The  speed 
they  show  in  gettin'  away  with  anythin'  was 
most  surprisin*.' 

"  So  Kate  Rykert  got  the  bonnet  and  boots, 
and  I  gin  her  a  new  dress  to  go  with  them,  and 
if  we  didn't  shine  out  some  the  next  week  down 
to  Crow  Bency  then  thar  ain't  no  use  talkin' 
about  it,  that's  all." 


OLEOMARGARINE. 


*y  HROUGH  the  busy  bustling  street, 

Rolls  a  cart  I  often  meet, 
The  driver  shouting  from  the  seat : 
"  Oleomargarine ! " 

On  the  tail-board  long  and  wide, 
Reaching  fair  from  side  to  side, 
Shines  the  word  in  painted  pride : 
*'  Oleomargarine ! " 

What  it  is  doth  not  appear. 
Where  it  comes  from  all  may  fear, 
Still  I  shudder  when  I  hear : 
''  Oleomargarine ! " 

Here  and  there  he  slowly  crawls, 
Pausing  by  the  butcher  stalls. 
In  the  kitchen  door  he  bawls : 
"  Oleomargarine !  " 

Bring  your  tallow,  bring  your  fat. 
Candle  ends  and  all  like  that. 
They  will  issue  from  the  vat 

Oleomargarine. 
31  481 


482  MYSTERIOUS   VOICES. 

Any  scraps  you  have  about, 
Kidney,  liver,  tripe,  or  snout. 
All  will  make,  when  they're  tried  out, 
Oleomargarine. 

Comes  the  cry  across  the  way, 
From  a  dame  with  rent  to  pay  : 
"  Do  you  purchase  puppies  ?  say, 
Oleomargarine !  " 

"  Is  he  fat  ?  "  the  driver  cries  ; 
"  I  should  say  so, "  she  replies  ; 
"  Then  pitch  him  in  where  pussy  lies.  '* 
Oleomargarine ! 

In  the  church,  or  at  the  play, 
In  the  parlor,  night  or  day, 
Still  the  voices  seem  to  say : 
"  Oleomargarine ! " 

From  the  birds  that  round  me  fly, 
In  the  brook  that  babbles  by. 
Still  I  seem  to  catch  the  cry : 
"  Oleomargarine !  " 

With  suspicion  now  I  spread 
The  cow's  rich  offering  on  my  bread  * 
That  weird  butter  still  I  dread, — 
Oleomargarine! 

Dainties  now  I  must  forego, 
Pies  and  cakes  and  puddings.  Oh ! 
Can  I  trust  them  ?  no  !  no  ! !  no  !  !  \ 
Oleomargarine ! 


DINING  UNDER  DIFFICULTIES. 


TEARING  dinner  to-day  in  a  restaurant,  I  was 
^  in  danger  of  being  carried  off  by  cock- 
roaches. If  I  was  inclined  to  draw  comparisons, 
I  would  say  that  in  size  the  cockroaches  I  en- 
countered in  this  place  would  compare  favorably 
with  cupboard  door  buttons.  I  had  seen  these 
troublesome  insects  on  former  occasions  when 
I  thought  they  were  numerous — when  they  were 
as  thick  around  the  bread-plate  as  bees  around 
their  hive  in  June.  But  I  had  never  been  pres- 
ent when  they  turned  out  in  sufficient  numbers 
to  take  and  hold  possession  of  everything  upon 
the  table,  even  to  the  mustard-pot.  To-day  I 
witnessed  such  a  spectacle.  I  counted  until  I 
tired ;  their  skelping  to  and  fro  made  the  task 
painfully  difficult,  and  the  effort  was  abandoned. 
They  had  evidendy  been  lying  in  ambush  in  the 
cruet  stand  from  the  moment  I  sat  down  and 
gave  my  order,  for  the  ring  of  the  plate  as  it 

483 


484 


THE    COCKROACH    BRIGADE. 


Struck  the  board  seemed  to  be  the  signal  for  a 
general  advance.  They  appeared  in  military 
ranks,  moving  towards  the  dish  in  a  semicircle, 
like  a  line  of  Fenian  skirmishers  advancing  he- 
roically upon  a  turnip  patch.     There  were  no 


BUMMERS  ON  THE  RAID. 


frost-nipped  fellows,  with  drooping  horns  and 
dragging  limbs,  among  those  legions  either.  All 
were  active,  square-shouldered  customers,  real 
thoroughbreds,  wide  across  the  hips,  and  boast- 


NOT  A  GOOD  DAY  FOR  COCKROACHES.   485 

ing  a  depth  of  chest  capable  of  enduring  any 
amount  of  running ;  while  their  long,  for- 
midable-looking feelers  stood  out  at  right 
angles  from  their  heads,  like  the  horns  on  a 
Mexican  steer. 

"During  your  natural  life,"  I  commenced,  ad- 
dressing a  waiter  who  stood  near  by,  evidently 
enjoying  my  surprise,  ''whether  while  officiating 
as  head  steward  on  board  of  a  floating  palace 
on  the  Mississippi,  or  serving  as  second  cook 
on  a  grain  scow  on  the  San  Joaquin,  did  you 
ever  run  across  a  place  where  the  cockroaches 
were  one-ninetieth  part  as  numerous  as  they 
are  in  this  restaurant  ?  " 

"Numerous?"  he  answered;  "you  should 
be  here  a  warm,  sunshiny  day,  If  you  want  to 
see  cockroaches,  for  then  all  the  Invalids  are 
out — those  fellows  who  have  had  their  move- 
ments across  the  table  accelerated  by  a  snap- 
ping finger,  or  such  as  have  only  tasted  the 
poison  scattered  around  for  their  benefit,  or 
those  who  have  taken  an  overdose  and  throwed 
it  up  again.  These  lie  in  cracks  and  cup- 
boards, with  stiffened  joints  and  weak  stom- 
achs, when    the  weather    is    cold  and  cloudy; 


486  MAY   CALL   AGAIN. 

but   when    a    warm  day   comes,    they   are   all 
abroad  and  busy." 

"Well,  I  will  bear  that  In  mind,"  I  said,  rising 
from  the  table,  "and  when  the  next  total  eclipse 
of  the  sun  occurs,  which,  as  I  am  informed,  will 
take  place  In  about  four  hundred  and  thirty- 
seven  years,  I  may  come  into  this  restaurant 
for  another  meal,  and  not  until  then,"  and  with 
that  I  left. 


ANSWERS  TO  CORRESPONDENTS. 


T 


HE  editor  of  a  city  paper  having  occasion 
to  take  a  trip  into  the  country,  prevailed 
upon  me  to  assume  the  responsibility  of  an- 
swering letters  from  correspondents.  The 
task  is  an  onerous  one — the  more  so  as  the 
editor,  with  that  cunning  ever  noticeable  in  a 
person  who  takes  the  cream  of  a  job,  left  me 
to  reply  only  to   the  knottiest  episdes.     But  I 


MISTAKING    POODLES.  487 

will  some  time  get  even  with  him,  however.  I 
will  assume  the  editorial  "  we,"  and  should  I 
waken  the  wrath  of  any  person,  he  will  be  the 
sufferer.  Here  is  a  copy  of  my  answer  to 
"  Katie  : ' — 

''The  minister  was  perfectly  right  in  refusing 
to  marry  the  couple,  if,  as  you  say,  the  bride 
insisted  upon  holding  her  poodle  in  her  arms 
during  the  ceremony.  The  more  so  as  the 
clergyman  was  near-sighted.  He  might  possi- 
bly mistake  the  puppy  for  the  bridegroom." 

Another  person  accuses  a  correspondent  of 
a  mis-statement.  He  says  it  was  the  editor  of 
the  Farmer,  and  not  the  editor  of  the  Examiner, 
who  planted  the  package  of  No.  1 6  homoeopa- 
thic pills  sent  him  from  the  country  by  a  wag, 
as  the  seeds  of  a  Sandwich  Island  cabbage. 

The  old  editor  for  weeks  regularly  watered 
the  plot  where  he  sowed  them  ;  but  as  nothing 
appeared,  wrote  to  the  country  gendeman,  in- 
forming him  that  his  seeds  hadn't  sprouted,  and 
he  thought  it  likely  they  might  have  been  taken 
from  a  dead  head. 

**Amy"  is  all  in  a  fluster  about  spirits.  I 
will  talk  to  her  after  this  manner  : — 


4^8  EVIDENTLY    LUNY. 

"  We  have  always  considered  spiritualism  the 
bluest  carbuncle  that  ever  festered  upon  the 
neck  of  society.  We  care  not  if  the  spirits 
were  rapping  around  our  table  like  a  forty- 
stamp  mill,  we  would  eat  our  regular  allowance 
with  all  the  coolness  that  a  Celestial  manifests 
when  absorbing  his  birds'-nest  soup.  If  your  bed 
dances  a  pas-seul  after  you  get  into  it  at  night, 
there  must  be  more  than  spirits  around;  and 
you  would  do  well  to  throw  a  boot-jack  or  flat- 
iron  under  it  before  retiring.  Such  a  proceed- 
ing might  give  you  the  satisfaction  of  hearing 
the  spirits  yell  blue  murder. 

"There  is  not  much  danger  of  your  going 
crazy,  because,  in  plain  terms,  we  consider  you 
to  be  luny  already.  The  poor  fellow  in  the 
lunatic  asylum  who  imagines  Queen  Victoria 
has  made  a  private  residence  of  his  nose,  and 
who  has  nearly  blown  both  eyes  out  striving  to 
eject  her,  is  hardly  more  so." 

I  trust  the  editor  will  lose  some  hair  over  that 
answer. 

On  second  thought,  I  remember  the  editor 
has  none. 


COURT-ROOM    SCENES. 


T  AM  as  full  of  law  this  evening  as  a  sea-shell  of 

^      sound,  having  been  wedged  in  the  District 

Court  room  from   lo  o'clock  a.  m.   to  9  p.  m., 

listening  to  testimony  in  the  re-trial  of  the  case 

of  the  People  vs.  a  fiery  lady,  if  we  may  use 

the  expression,  who  brought  down    her  game 

the  first  shot. 

Thouofh  the  room  was  crowded  almost  to  suf- 

focation,  I  fancy  there  is  not  that  deep  interest 

that  was   manifested    during  the   former  trial. 

On  that  occasion  there  were  so  many  letters 

introduced  in  evidence,  such  a  mass  of  private 

correspondence    dragged    from    musty    trunks, 

and   laid   open   to   the    public,   that    thousands 

flocked   daily  to   the  court  room,  in  hopes  of 

hearing  something  rich,  if  not  instructive.    I  shall 

never  forget  the  excitement  during  the  reading 

of  letter  No.  947.     It  was  from  the  defendant. 

The  counsel  for  the  defence  argued  a  good 

489 


490         ARGUMENT   ON    A   DOUBTFUL   POINT. 

round  two  hours  and  a  half  by  the  court-room 
clock,  against  the  letter  being  admitted  in  evi- 
dence. He  maintained  it  was  irrelevant,  as  it 
had  never  been  opened,  the  receiver  forgetting 


A  DROWSY   JURY. 


to   read  it,   or  neglecting  to   do  so,   for  some 
reason  of  his  own. 

The  counsel  for  the  people  followed  with 
even  a  longer  appeal  to  the  judge  to  admit  the 
letter,  strengthening  his  argument  by  lengthy 


INTENSE   INTEREST.  49 1 

quotations  from  Blackstone,  Kent,  Wharton, 
and  other  authorities,  endeavoring  to  prove 
it  should  be  put  in  evidence,  as  its  contents 
might  assist  materially  in  furthering  the  ends  of 
justice. 

The  judge  began  to  show  unmistakable  signs 
of  impatience.  He  remarked  that  already  a 
package  of  letters  had  been  read  that  would  go 
far  towards  shingling  the  Mechanics'  Pavilion, 
and  had  no  more  bearing  upon  the  point  at 
issue  than  "  Darwin's  Descent  of  Man  "  had 
upon  the  culture  of  white  beans.  He  finally 
gave  way  before  the  preponderance  of  the 
prosecuting  attorney's  argument,  and  directed 
an  officer  to  wake  the  jury,  as  a  letter  was  to 
be  read  that  all  should  hear.  After  consider- 
able shaking  and  poking,  this  difficult  duty  was 
performed.  Even  the  deaf  juror  was  aroused, 
though  the  good-natured  judge  had  permitted 
him  to  sleep  during  the  introduction  of  several 
preceding  epistles. 

After  order  was  restored,  and  an  inventive 
juror  had  Improvised  an  ear  trumpet  with  a 
piece  of  legal  cap  for  his  unfortunate  companion, 
the  billet  doux  was  opened.     As  the   seal  was 


492  A   COLLAPSE. 

broken,  judge  and  jury  rose  to  their  feet  with 
one  accord,  and  leaned  as  far  forward  as  their 
desks  would  allow,  the  more  readily  to  catch 
every  word  of  the  important  document.  The 
silence  in  the  room  was  death-like.  It  was  sup- 
posed that  on  the  contents  of  this  letter  hung 
either  a  scaffold  or  an  acquittal.  The  weak  tick- 
ing of  the  dusty  clock  upon  the  wall  was  the 
only  sound  that  disturbed  the  awful  stillness. 
As  the  calm  settled,  the  muffled  beat  of  the 
time-piece  increased  in  force  and  volume  until 
it  seemed  to  attain  the  tones  of  a  fire  bell. 
Presently  the  attorney  in  a  high  and  tremulous 
voice  began  to  read.     The  contents  ran  thus  : — 

My  Dear,  Delightful  Darling  : — How  are  my 
stocks  selling  now  ? 

Your  Loving,  Adoring  L ." 

The  effect  was  thrilling.  The  lawyer  dropped 
the  letter  upon  the  table  before  him,  ran  his  white 
fingers  through  his  hair,  and  looked  around 
with  the  air  of  a  tired  traveler  when  he  ascer- 
tains he  has  walked  five  miles  upon  the  wrong 
road.  The  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  with  looks 
more    of  anger    than  of  sorrow,   dropped  into 


RETIRING    IN    DISGUST.  493 

their  seats  as  suddenly  as  though  an  invisible 
hand  had  caught  them  from  behind  and  jerked 
them  to  their  benches. 

The  Judge,  with  an  ill-concealed  look  of  dis- 
gust, setded  back  into  his  chair,  and  the  deep 
crease  in  his  vest,  immediately  over  where  his 
dinner  should  have  been  hours  before,  grew 
more  painfully  perceptible. 

I  elbowed  my  way  from  the  suffocating  room 
before  further  correspondence  was  selected  from 
the  package  for  perusal. 


THE  MASON'S  RIDE. 


'T'HE  goat,  the  goat,  the  bearded  goat ! 

The  horned,  the  hoofed,  the  hairy  goat! 
As  I'm  a  sinner  of  some  note, 
Last  night  I  rode  the  Mason's  goat ! 

He  was  a  beast  of  wondrous  size, 
With  lengthy  hmbs  and  glassy  eyes, 
And  beard  that  swept  the  carpet  clear, 
And  horns  that  shook  the  chandelier  ! 


494  MYSTERIES   AND    MISERIES. 

Ye  gods !  if  there's  a  time  we  feel 
Misgivings  through  our  noddle  steal, 
It  is  when  we  through  mystery  float 
Upon  the  dark  Freemason's  goat. 

Now  some  will  say  there's  no  such  thing, 
And  at  the  goat  derision  fling ; 
And  say  that  all  is  Fancy  wrought, 
Through  fear  and  dread  suspicion  brought. 
But  those  who  such  remarks  outpour 
Have  never  knocked  at  Mason's  door, 
Have  nothing  known  about  that  beast 
That  was  imported  from  the  East, 
Where  kings  of  wisdom,  wealth,  and  pomp 
Bestrode  him  through  his  midnight  romp. 

Three  times  was  I  compelled  to  ride 
The  creature  'round  the  Temple  wide. 
But  while  I  tried  the  fearful  mount, 
My  heart's  pulsations  all  might  count. 
For  thump  on  thump  with  treble  knell 
Within  my  breast  it  rose  and  fell. 

Twice  did  I  make  the  circuit  fair. 
My  hold  his  horns,  his  tail,  or  hair. 
Though  never  shot  a  kangaroo. 
So  fast  Australian  jungle  through. 
.  From  garret  roof  to  basement  floor, 
Through  ante-room  and  closet  door. 
O'er  winding  steps  and  columns  tall. 
He  held  his  way  through  house  and  hall, 


LEFT    FOR    DEAD. 


495 


Till  on  the  third  attempt,  and  last, 
When  I  presumed  all  danger  past, 
He  pitched  me  clear  of  horns  and  head, 
And  left  me  far  below  for  dead. 


^^J^^' 


THE  ROCKY  ROAD  TO  MASONRY. 


I  felt  as  though  a  worthless  clod 
Unfit  to  keep  above  the  sod ; 
But  when  I  rose  with  terror  pale 
The  goat  had  vanished,  head  and  tail, 


49<5  GO    RIDE    THE    GOAT. 

And  I  was  styled  by  one  and  all 
The  greenest  mason  in  the  hall 

Let  those  who  deem  they  are  possessed 

Of  fadeless  cheeks  and  valiant  breast, 

Of  hair  that  never  will  aspire 

To  bristle  like  a  brush  of  wire, 

No  matter  through  what  risk  they  run, 

Go  ride  that  goat,  as  I  have  done. 


T^K, 


/^H  June!  thou  comest  once  again 

^  With  bales  of  hay  and  sheaves  of  grain, 

That  make  the  farmer's  heart  rejoice, 

And  anxious  herds  lift  up  their  voice. 

I  hear  thy  promise,  sunny  maid, 

Sound  in  the  reapers'  ringing  blade, 

And  in  the  laden  harvest  wain. 

That  rumbles  through  the  stubble  plain. 


Ye  tell  a  tale  of  bearded  stacks. 
Of  busy  mills  and  floury  sacks ; 
32 


497 


498  EVER    WELCOME. 

Of  cars  oppressed  with  cumbrous  loads, 
Hard  curving  down  their  iron  roads ; 
Of  barges  grounding  on  their  way 
Down  winding  streams  to  reach  the  bay ; 
Of  vessels  spreading  to  the  breeze 
Their  snowy  sails  in  stormy  seas, 
While  bearing  to  some  foreign  strand 
The  products  of  this  golden  land. 

Ye  come  again  with  cereal  brows, 
And  crescent  blade,  to  fill  the  mows ; 
And  never  fall  thy  feet  too  soon, 
Oh,  ever  welcome,  sunny  June. 

Once  more  I  see  your  banner  spread 

Across  the  evening  sky, 
I  see  your  trace  in  shallow  brooks 

That  feebly  ripple  by. 
I  see  your  face  in  mirror-lakes. 

In  fields  and  forests  old. 
And  in  the  gardens  all  arrayed 

In  crimson,  blue  and  gold. 

I  hear  your  voice  in  twittering  birds. 

That  round  the  gables  wheel. 
And  in  the  humming  monologues 

Which  from  the  meadows  steal. 
Oh,  month  of  Love  and  plighted  faith, 

And  airy  castles  highl 
I  hear  you  in  the  lover's  song 

And  in  the  maiden's  sigh. 


JUNES   TENDER   TOUCH. 

And  in  the  breeze  that  gently  wakes 

The  leaves  upon  the  bough, 
I  feel  your  soothing  mother-touch 

Caressing  cheek  and  brow. 
Oh,  sweet  as  sunrise  to  the  lark. 

As  noonday  to  the  bee, 
Or  evening  to  the  nightingale. 

Is  June's  return  to  me. 


499 


THE  ANNIVERSARY. 


T^HIS   is  the    anniversary   of  my   departure 

^       from  my  native  fields.     As   I  sit  gazing 

by  the  fire,  pondering  over  the  event,  thoughts 

of   friends   far  away  and  foes    who    are   near, 

come  crowding  upon  me   numerous  as  spirits 

around  some  favored  medium. 

Many  years  ago  I  turned  my  back  upon  all  I 

loved  and  setting  my  face  against  the  sinking 

sun,  cried : — 

"  Ho,  sailors  !  spread  your  widest  sails, 
And  court  the  strong  impellent  gales, 
Until  the  stout  and  stubborn  mast 
Bends  like  a  sapling  to  the  blast ; 
And  westward  let  your  bearing  be  ; 
My  fortune  lies  beyond  the  sea." 

What  a  ruinous  rent  fifteen  or  twenty  years 
make  in  a  person's  lease  of  life.  Why,  bless 
my  benighted  understanding  !  the  seal,  the  sig- 
nature and  the  better  portion  of  the  parchment 
are  gone.  There's  hardly  enough  document 
500 


NO    SOOTHING   SYRUP   TO    BUY.  50I 

remaining  upon  which  to  hinge  a  hope.  Now, 
that  I  think  of  it,  what  have  the  departed  years 
neglected  to  bring  me?  No  flaxen  heads 
cluster  around  my  board;  no  nose  is  flattened 
against  the  window  pane  ;  no  eye  strained  to 
mark  my  coming,  when  the  granite  pave  is 
chafed  by  the  homeward  hastening  feet. 

No  jute  or  mohair  chignons  lie  around  my 
room  in  rich  profusion,  adding  charms  to  the 
apartment  that  pictures  cannot  give. 

When  I  muse  upon  the  many  blessings  that 
the  past  years  have  failed  to  furnish,  I  am  in- 
clined to  sadness.  But  when  I  turn  to  contem- 
plate what  they  have  brought,  my  heart  sinks 
down  into  its  lowest  recess  and  for  a  time  lies 
still.  Aye !  that's  the  rub  that  makes  me 
wince. 

There  is  but  little  satisfaction  in  the  thought 
that  I  am  not  alone  in  this.  I  look  around  and 
I  see  others  drifting  down  the  stream  as  rapidly 
as  I.  Time  is  cutdng  furrows  in  fairer  brows 
than  mine.  He  has  brought  many  a  person 
during  the  last  ten  years — 

A  scattered  sight,  a  limping  gait, 
Toothless  gums  and  a  shining  pate. 


502  NO    MORE   DRY   PICKINGS. 

Why  should  I  squeal  because  I  feel  his  hands  ? 
But  where  are  those  full  cheeks,  those  hopeful 
smiles,  those  luxuriant  locks,  and  firm-set  grind- 
ers that  once  were  mine  ? 

Gone,  like  the  life  from  a  busted  balloon, 
Gone,  like  the  soul  from  a  ruptured  bassoon, 
Gone,  like  the  sheen  from  a  pock-pitted  cheek. 
Gone,  like  our  change  at  the  close  of  the  week, 

Gone! 

But  what  has  that  to  do  with  my  sore  heel, 
peeled  to-day  by  the  hoof  of  a  clergyman's 
horse  before  I  could  get  out  of  the  way  ?  The 
event  called  forth  the  following  lines,  written 
while  laboring  under  great  mental  excite- 
ment : 

How  blest  is  he  above  the  many 
Who  turns  to-day  a  handsome  penny, 
By  stating  to  the  drowsy  throng 
The  line  dividing  right  and  wrong ! 
Far  richer  pickings  he  commands 
Than  ears  of  corn  rubbed  in  the  hands. 
How  different  now  from  days  of  yore. 
When  sandal-shod  and  spirit  sore. 
With  stiffened  joints  and  limber  thews. 
And  garments  damp  with  midnight  dews, 
The  poor  Apostles,  staff  in  hand, 
Went  limping  through  a  stranger's  land. 


A   ROOT   OF    EVIL.  503 

Now  charge  they  up  and  down  the  way, 
Like  jockeys  on  the  "  Derby  day ;" 
And  we  poor  wights  must  waltz  aside, 
And  let  the  pulpit  princes  glide  ; 
Or  have  a  phaeton  o'er  us  wheeled. 
Or  have  our  heels  adroitly  peeled. 

Oh,  money  !  money !  root  and  start 
Of  every  sin,  'tis  claimed  thou  art ; 
But  let  them  doubt  the  fact  who  will, 
Tis  money  spreads  the  gospel  still. 


A  COUNTRY  TOUR. 


YESTERDAY  I  took  a  trip  to  a  quiet  coun- 
try resort.  On  entering  the  town  I  was 
surprised  at  the  scarcity  of  men  in  the  place. 
There  were  plenty  of  women  —  fashionably 
dressed  and  otherwise  — to  be  seen  in  the 
houses  or  gardens,  but  I  rarely  encountered 
one  of  the  male  sex  in  my  travels  through  the 
streets.  This,  I  at  first  supposed,  was  owing  to 
the  number  of  gendemen  residing  there  who 


504  A    NICE    PLACE   TO    PROMENADE. 

carry  on  business  in  the  city  by  the  sea,  and 
are  consequently  in  the  latter  place  during  the 
day.  I  was  informed,  however,  by  the  proprie- 
tor of  the  hotel  at  which  I  stopped,  that  such 
was  not  the  case.  He  assured  me  it  was 
mainly  owing  to  the  fact  that  the  County  Court 
commenced  that  morning,  and  most  of  the  male 
inhabitants,  as  was  their  custom  on  such  occa- 
sions, had  taken  to  the  surrounding  woods  and 
mountains  to  escape  jury  duty. 

The  place  is  beautifully  situated  between  high 
green  hills,  and  said  to  possess  the  healthiest 
climate  of  any  town  in  the  State.  During  the 
summer  months  people  flock  there  from  all 
parts  of  the  country.  Healthy  people  pay 
high  prices  at  the  hotels  for  the  privilege  of 
living  there,  and  sickly  people  do  likewise,  for 
the  privilege  of  dying  there. 

The  peculiarities  of  the  town,  and  the  dis- 
tinctive manners  and  customs  of  the  inhabit- 
ants, have  been  ably  described  by  a  poet 
whose  effusions  have  not  yet  been  translated 
into  the  foreign  languages.  Following  is  a 
part  of  the  poem  which  bears  directly  on  the 
town  in  question  : — 


A   DISTURBING   EPISODE.  505 

"  Here  rest  we  now  by  sulphur  well, 
Where  invalids  and  nurses  dwell ; 
Where  yelping  dogs  run  through  the  street 

Like  wolves  across  a  prairie  wide, 
And  cattle  wild  as  bison  meet 

You  face  to  face,  on  every  side ; 
With  tails  in  air,  and  frothy  nose, 
And  leveled  horns,  they  round  you  close. 

"  Where  people  sit  around  the  door, 
In  lazy  groups  of  three  or  four, 
And  still  their  chronic  thirst  abate 
With  copious  draughts  of 'sulphur  straight.'" 

There  was  quite  an  excitement  in  the  town 
before  I  left.  A  fire  broke  out  in  an  ash  barrel 
situated  in  the  rear  yard  of  the  house  at  which 
I  was  stopping,  and  for  a  time  threatened  to 
destroy  the  ashes.  There  is  no  estimating  the 
amount  of  damage  the  citizens  might  have  suf- 
fered if  the  fire  had  spread  to  a  wash-tub  that 
stood  close  by,  and  which  at  the  time  contained 
a  portion  of  the  town's  washing.  Business  was 
generally  suspended,  and  stock  in  the  insurance 
companies  went  down  Immediately.  The  citi- 
zens breathed  more  freely,  however,  when  the 
efificlent  and  energetic  Fire  Department  turned 
out  promptly  as  one  man,  and  hastened  to  the 


5o6 


ENERGETIC   ACTION. 


city  water-works,  situated  on  a  slight  eminence 
in  the  centre  of  the  town,  and,  turning  on  the 
water,  succeeded  in   extinguishing  the  flames. 


THE  FIRE  DEPARTMENT. 


The  only  damage  done  was  the  partial  burning 
of  the  barrel  and  the  scorching  of  the  wash-tub 
and  five  dog-houses.  The  dogs  were  lying  under 
the  kitchen  stove  at  the  time,  and  escaped  injury. 


A  TRIP  ACROSS  THE  BAY. 


I 


TOOK  a  trip  across  the  water  this  after- 
noon. The  bay  was  so  rough  the  ferry-boat 
could  scarcely  make  her  trips.  The  passengers 
were  nearly  all  sea-sick,  and,  elbow  to  elbow, 
leaned  over  the  side  of  the  vessel.  One  gen- 
tleman, while  gazing  into  the  sea,  lost  his  hat 
overboard,  but  he  was  so  taken  up  with  internal 
affairs  that  he  cared  little  for  outward  appear- 
ances, as  one  could  readily  observe. 

I  reached  my  desUnation,  and  was  convinced 
that  all  the  sorrows  are  not  on  the  sea.  I  saw 
a  poor  old  woman  thrown  into  terrible  disorder 
by  a  kick  from  the  cow  she  was  milking  in  her 
own  yard.  Judging  by  the  quantity  of  milk 
lying  around  loose,  she  must  have  been  nearly 
through  her  task,  and  was  probably  in  the  very 
act  of  complimenting  the  cow  for  her  generosity, 
when  the  spiteful  animal  gave  the  pail  a  hoist 
completely  over  the  woman's  head,  like  a  huge 

507 


5o8 


THE    SEA-SICK    MAN. 


helmet,  while  the  lacteal  fluid  ran  down  her 
body.  The  pail  seemed  to  stick,  despite  her 
efforts  to  remove  it. 


PEEKING   INTO    THE    DEPTHS. 


As  I  looked  back,  I  could  see  her  groping  to- 
ward the  house,  her  visage  still  concealed  in  the 


A   DISCOMFITED    MILK-MAID. 


509 


blue  bucket.  She  did  look  odd  enough,  as  she 
felt  her  way  up  the  steps,  decorated  with  that 
novel  head-dress. 

There  is  a  youth  in  this  suburban  town  who 


bids  fair  to  be  a  second  Landseer.  As  I  passed 
his  father's  residence,  I  saw  the  young  aspirant 
at  work  sketching  from  nature. 


5IO  STRUGGLING    GENIUS. 

He  had  the  foot  of  a  little  cur  fast  In  the 
jaws  of  a  steel-trap  staked  in  the  orchard. 
The  artist  sat  at  a  short  distance  sketching  the 
poor  beast,  as  it  stood  on  three  legs  gazing 
at  the  heavens  and  crying  piteously.  He 
was  eagerly  striving  to  get  the  expression  of 


SKETCHING  FROM   NATURE. 


pain  upon  the  dog's  face,  and  by  the  grin 
upon  his  own  countenance  I  judged  he  was 
succeeding. 

There  was  something  in  the  pair  that  re- 
minded me  of  Parrhasius  and  the  Captive  ;  and 
being  in  somewhat  of  a  sketching  mood  myself 
at  the  time,   I  produced   my  book  and  pencil, 


A    ROUGHER   TIME. 


511 


and    leaning    over    the    fence,     sketched    the 
painter  and  his  howKng  model. 

On  my  way  back  to  the  city  the  bay  seemed 
even  rougher  than  in  the  morning.     There  was 


hardly  a  passenger  on  board  the  ferry-boat  but 
showed  symptoms  of  trouble.  Although  most 
of  them  would  have  been  excellent  subjects  for 
the  artist  of  a  comic  pictorial,  my  attention  was 
specially  directed  towards  an  elderly  lady  who 


12 


AN    OBJECT    OF    PITY. 


sat  with  folded  arms,  the  elbows  resting  upon 
her  knees,  and  a  most  woe-begone  expression 
upon  her  wrinkled   visage.     Some  passengers 


AT   THE   RAIL. 


who  were  sick  were  able  pardy  to  conceal  their 
emotions  ;  she  was  not ;  every  muscle  of  her 
face  betrayed  her.  She  was  sick  and  couldn't 
help  but  show  it. 


A  LOUDER  CALL  FOR  SYMPATHY.      513 

If  any  individual  amongst  that  crowd  of  dis- 
quieted passengers  knocked  louder  at  the  door 
of  human  sympathy  than  did  the  old  lady  re- 
ferred to,  it  was  unmistakably  that  woman  who 
was  sick  and  had  to  show  it  at  the  vessel's  rail. 


CHRISTMAS  EVE. 


r^HRISTMAS  EVE  !  I  sit  idly  by  my  win- 
^-^  dow,  listening  to  the  rapid  patter  of  the 
rain  upon  the  shingles  and  the  wild  whistle  of 
the  wind  as  it  plays  around  the  gables,  or  draws 
weird  music  from  the  telegraph  wires  stretched 
between  the  house  tops,  and  upon  which  dangles 
the  ghost  of  many  a  school-boy's  kite.  Christ- 
mas Eve  !  and  I  am  not  yet  invited  out  to  din- 
ner !  what  can  this  mean  ?  Am  I  then  left  to 
wither  for  want  of  attention,  like  some  poor 
shrub  plucked  from  a  garden  and  planted  in  a 
graveyard  ?     Well,  let  it  be  so.     Alone  though 

33 


514  HELPING    HERSELF. 

I  am,  I  nevertheless  enjoy  myself  hugely,  and  it 
requires  considerable  to  enliven  me  now.  There 
was  a  time  when  I  could  be  moved  to  mirth  by 
very  little.  The  desperate  efforts  of  a  one- 
legged  grasshopper  describing  circles  while  en- 
deavoring to  leap  straight  ahead,  would  amuse 
me  for  hours  together.  But  it  is  not  so  now ;  I 
turn  from  such  scenes  to  bury  my  eyes  in  the 
pages  of  profound  works,  and  it  is  meet  and 
proper  I  should. 

For  the  last  half  hour  I  have  been  watching 
an  old  washerwoman  stealing,  as  I  think,  a 
neighbor's  wood.  It  is  barely  possible  that  she 
is  taking  this  method  of  paying  herself  for  ser- 
vices rendered  at  the  tub.  Be  this  as  it  may, 
the  wood  is  going.  There  is  no  mistake  about 
that. 

It  is  interesting  to  me,  as  it  furnishes  food  for 
comment,  and  keeps  the  mind  from  lagging  too 
long  around  the  saddening  fact  that  Time  is 
writing  lines  upon  my  brow  ''with  his  antique 
pen."  Besides  it  is  holiday  season,  and  though 
I  am  not  able  to  be  charitable  to  a  great  de- 
gree, I  can  at  least  afford  to  be  indifferent  in 
this  case. 


TEARS    SUPPRESSED.  515 

The  washerwoman  is  doubtless  a  hard-work- 
ing and  deserving  old  body,  who  perhaps  has 
sunk  her  whole  week's  earnings  in  a  Christmas 
turkey,  that  her  children's  hearts  may  be  made 
glad  and  their  stomachs  full ;  and  it  would  be  a 
great  pity  if  it  should  be  spoiled  i'  the  cooking 
for  the  want  of  fuel. 

I  waive  the  crime,  and  speak  of  the  facts  from 
a  disinterested  stand-point.  I  have  been  such  a 
diligent  scholar  in  the  severe  school  of  experi- 
ence, that  I  have  learned  to  look  upon  my  own 
misfortunes  lightly,  and  certainly  can  behold — 
with  an  unmoistened  eye  —  my  neighbors 
choicest  sticks  noiselessly  slipping  into  an  ad- 
joining yard.  Besides,  my  neighbor  can  afford 
to  lose  a  few.  To  make  my  position  good,  I 
entrench  myself  behind  the  following  fact :  To 
be  in  the  fashion,  he  pays  the  price  of  a  good- 
sized  farm  for  seats  at  the  opera,  where  the 
language  is  as  foreign  to  his  understanding  as 
South  Sea  Island  gibberish.  While  he  indif- 
ferently beholds  such  a  wasteful  running  at  the 
bung,  why  should  I  assume  the  busybody's  role 
and  clap  my  finger  on  the  dripping  spigot  1 
Besides,  I  saw  his  wife  last  evening  with  fully 


5i6  REVENGE    ENJOYED. 

four  yards  of  expensive  satin,  trailing  in  the 
dust.  It  was  my  misfortune  to  be  walking 
directly  behind  her.  As  the  crowd  was  press- 
ing me  onward,  I  was  obliged  to  dance  a  sailor's 
hornpipe  around  the  hall,  in  order  to  keep  from 
treading  upon  her  skirts.  It  needed  not  the 
grins  of  lookers-on  to  assure  me  that  I  was 
cutting  a  ridiculous  figure. 

I  am  now  enjoying  my  revenge  !  Indirectly 
though  it  comes,  it  is  none  the  less  sweet  or 
acceptable.  On  the  contrary,  it  is  rather  more 
gratifying,  as  it  calls  for  no  action  on  my  part, 
but  simply  to  keep  my  mouth  hermetically 
sealed.     The  poet  truly  sings  : — 

"Time  at  last  sets  all  things  even." 

It  has  been  In  this  case  much  quicker  than  I 
expected.  As  the  skinny  white  arm  stretches 
up  out  of  the  gloom  of  the  washerwoman's 
yard,  and  another  billet  shoots  from  the  pile 
and  disappears  like  a  star  from  the  firmament 
of  heaven,  I  feel  that  a  load  is  lifted  from  my 
heart,  and  I  am  reaping  revenge. 

Stay !  what  is  this  ?  a  note,  that  all  the  even- 
ing escaped  my  notice.     Lo  !  an  aroma  issues 


INVITED    TO    DINE. 


517 


from  it,  sweet  as  Cytherea's  breath  !  It  Is  an 
invitation,  as  I  live,  to  help  dissect  a  Christmas 
turkey  !  Sound  the  timbrel,  beat  the  tom-tom. 
I  am  not  forgotten  yet ! 


^ 


^i^M 


f^'v^Mm^'^mmmi 


14  DAY  USE 

RETURN  TO  DESK  FROM  WHICH  BORROWED 

LOAN  DEPT. 

This  book  is  due  on  the  last  date  stamped  below,  or 

on  the  date  to  which  renewed. 

Renewed  books  are  subject  to  immediate  recall. 

LIBRAKY 


TJSF 


SEP  15  J961 


TmcT  '..,n 


.;■>',  ■ 


"T^TZITC* 


-J  -.3 


a^zebgz 


DECl^;HiL69 


NQ1/19-65-(:;hm 


LOAN  Dept. 


gEC'DLD   my^ 


73  -  j  PNi  5  1 


i 


LD  21A-50m-8.'61 
(Cl795sl0)476B 


General  Library 
University  of  California 


